


The Douche Next Door

by milktasteslikegood



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Complete, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, Little Mermaid references, Mario Kart, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Multi, Sexual Content, crankcalls, crying in the candy aisle, dramatic window glances, elf fantasies, guilt cakes, much gay, old people, passive-aggressive milkshakes, risky business dancing, sexy car washing, shit this is so fucking long i am sorry, tsundere! john
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:10:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 102,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milktasteslikegood/pseuds/milktasteslikegood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave just wants to make it through high school alive and John just wants nothing to do with him. Pranking wars, awkward Food's projects and the occasional bad pun is had and somewhere in between the two dorks end up falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. THE START OF SOMETHING NEW

**== > Move on Up.**

Your name is Dave Strider and holy fucking hell what has Bro done to you.

            The highway you`ve been driving on for almost the past day has been slowly turning from dry deserts and blistering heat to forests, hills, and a cool early morning. Dirk is awake beside you, taking his turn driving while your eldest brother catches some well deserved z's in the back of your 1993 Jeep Wagoner. You've been leading a band of moving vans through the country almost all day and night- Not by your choice, to be sure. Fuck, if it was your choice you would be sitting at home with a freshly cracked bottle of AJ and thinking about how you're NOT being forced out of your house and away from all your friends (spoiler alert; you have none). Three days ago, Bro burst into your Texas apartment grudgingly telling you all to pack up your shit and be ready to hit the road by the morning. You were all moving to the beautiful residential area of Washington D.C. as demanded by your Mother and two sisters. It's not as if you didn't see them often enough, (at least once a year) but after your Dad passed, Mom has been getting more and more antsy about leaving the three of you alone with your abundant cash flow and lack of “healthy guidance". Though, it's more likely because last week was the 7th time that you've had the police knock on your door for a "disturbance of the peace" due to your strifing on the roof. She's also worried about how much puppet ass you're being exposed to with Bro's weird porn company.  Too much. Too much is the answer.

            Dirk takes the next turn off the highway into the streets of Washington and Bro wakes up, silent as ever, leaning up behind you with his arm slung over the seat to get a better look. You scope out the area of your new home yourself. It was... Well, it wasn't terrible. Just nothing like the place you roosted after a particularly long fucking squawk. You mentally wince at your lame bird metaphor and turn to Bro.

            "I can almost smell the alcohol and psychological assault from here." You mumble quietly, he smirks and nods.

            "That shit will stick to your clothes if you're not on your game lil' man.” Bro scoffs, and Dirk takes another turn down a small cul-de-sac per his instruction. It's a nice, quaint little neighbourhood filled with happy families of four, probably planning on taking their kids on a Sunday drive in the morning and maybe play a game of all-American baseball after they all laugh at Jeff Foxworthy jokes and grill burgers. There's even a park at the end of the road, void of any graffiti of course. The houses are neatly lined up with their beautiful gardens and cars and you can feel the unspoken intentions of royally fucking up this place buzz in the air.  Within a few minutes, you all pull up to the second last house in the cul-de-sac and Dirk parks the car. Your new house looked exactly like all the others on the street, except for the added garage which you guess only some had. You never had a garage before. Hell, you've never even lived in a house before. You always kinda figured by the time you lived in a house it would be for the ironic purpose of sticking a pipe in your mouth and picking up the morning paper in your bathrobe every morning while you shake your fist at the hooligans of today. Whatever. It's cool; you can roll with the punches. You're rolling with the punches so hard right now, people think you're rolling away into the sunset and everyone will be all like damn, there goes Dave, flying down the hills again. He must be rolling with some serious punches right now. Hell fucking yes you are. So many punches.

            Bro slams the door and wakes you out of your mental battle. He silently looks over at the moving vans and experience tells you that you just aren't going to pull out the mattresses and call it a night. You just fucking love moving.

**== > Sleep away, Be the Bed.**

            You're _trying_ to catch the one way ticket to the sugar plums that should be dancing in your head, but someone's ringing your doorbell like tomorrow isn't a thing.  It's been two days since you moved to Washington and you've already called Mom three times to ask her if you can go home yet. She sees through your whole guilty bullshit shtick though, and you're pretty sure you're gonna be stuck here for the rest of your miserable fucking life.

            "Dirk!" You moan into the darkness of your new empty room.

            "Yes darlin’?” Dirk shouts back from somewhere in the house. You frown. Asshole’s awake and can't even answer the goddamn door. A sigh escapes you as you roll off of your mattress.

            "Fuck you!" You yell back as you yank on a pair of boxers that are probably clean. There was no way Bro is going to get the door at this point, and apparently Dirk is far too busy being a giant chunk of shit to go and get it himself. You stomp stubbornly down the stairs, making sure to fully wake up anyone who was left sleeping peacefully and yank open the door.

            On the other side you're greeted by the sight of a friendly looking man who seems exactly like what all your ironic dreams are made of. He politely takes the pipe he was smoking out of his mouth and offers you his other hand, unperturbed by you answering the door in just your Back to the Future boxers.

            "Good morning young man!" He says enthusiastically. "My name is Mr. Egbert, and you must be our new neighbour!" Holy shit is this guy for real? You smirk and hold out your hand to shake.

            "’Sup. I'm Dave." Mr Egbert continues to smile and shakes your hand enthusiastically. Dirk slugs down the stairs behind you and walks up, Bro joining as well.

            "Mr. Egbert, eh? Nice to meet you. Bro Strider, my brother Dirk, and you've met Dave already then. ‘Sup?" You try not to laugh directly at this guys wasted efforts but he obviously doesn't get it.  The Striders have never been the best neighbours; you like to keep to yourself and no one else. That's it. Most people move out after a couple months of being near the three of you. Mr. Egbert tips his hat and sticks his pipe back into his mouth.

            "I live across the street with my son John and daughter Jane. They look to be about your age. I am sure it will be a pleasure having you as our new neighbours." You exchanged a quick glance with Dirk and roll your eyes behind your shades. Mr Egbert probably is a really nice guy, but if he thinks that you are out to be best buds with his suburban kids then he is about as wrong as Dirk's self-insertion phase in his weird anime fan fiction.

            "Don't be strangers!" He says, handing you a cake and walking back across the street. Holy fuck it looks good. It all covered in beautiful handwriting that looks like it should be on a welcome mat, and even has the fancy piping junk on the edges.  Mr. Egbert is suddenly looking like a lot better neighbour, and you think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

            You bring the cake into the house and set it on your shitty kitchen table from the apartment.

            "He can stay." Dirk whispers as Bro digs through a box for a kitchen knife. Eventually he gives up and just yanks a sword from the fridge.

            "Fuck it, this things seen worse." He says as you all gather round it and wait for a chunk. There are few things that you expected to happen when Bro dug into Mr. Egbert's cake. One, you were expecting the delicious morsels of heaven to grace your taste buds and become best bros with your digestive system. Two, you were expecting to move on from your life. Three, you were expecting that it wouldn't explode all over your new kitchen the second the blade slid through it.

            Your expectations seem to fail a lot these days.

            As Dirk sputters in the corner trying to wipe the cake off of his shades, you can hear a hearty chorus of laughter ringing out from the Egbert residence. Bro simply licks his fingers calmly.

            "This means fucking war."

             You don't think you've ever agreed with a man covered in cake until that moment.

 


	2. PRANKING BITCHES, TAKING NAMES.

**== > Be that other kid. **

            You're trying to be the other kid but you honestly can't stop laughing. Your gambit is absolutely through the roof right now. Who would've guessed the new neighbors would be so gullible! You thought they would have at least _listened_ to the agent when he warned you were notorious pranksters. The undignified shrieks echoing out of their front door as Dad came home was worth every cent of trouble you might get into. They deserved it!  It's not like you were hurting them or anything; you never tried to really hurt anyone with your pranks, just bruise their egos a bit. If they were obnoxious enough to blast Miley Cyrus loudly until four in the morning, then you were obnoxious enough to blow up a cake in their faces.

             You suppose you should introduce yourself. Your name is John Egbert and you are 17 years old.  You've lived in this same house for as long as you can remember with your Dad and older sister Jane.  Not to toot your own horn, but you were pretty much pranking masters, the three of you. You have various other talents too, like being terrible at magic tricks, and knowing pretty much every widely regarded awful movie that ever existed, though you don't think they are as bad as everyone else thinks! Also, Little Monsters is a classic so shut up.

            Your laughter dissipates as Dad walks into your room, and the air is thick with stern fatherly disapproval. You look for somewhere to abscond to, but it's too late- he's already taken a seat on your bed, which everyone knows all fathers do when they are ready for some serious man to son talking.

"John, blowing up a cake in the neighbours face probably wasn't the best way to get them to like us." He says, sticking his pipe in his mouth thoughtfully.

"I know Dad, I'm sorry but-"

"Never the less, it took guts to do something like that- to stand up for yourself! To show them that you aren't going to let them walk all over us! I am so proud of you." He finishes, pride gleaming in his eyes. You sigh. Of course he wouldn't be mad. Is he ever?

"Thanks Dad." You start slowly.  "It wasn't just me. Jane helped too, so you can be proud of both of us." If you're going to drown in fatherly pride, then you're taking Jane down with you. You guess you aren't appreciative enough sometimes. You know some kids would kill for their parents to tell them that they're proud of them, but he's just so _overbearing_ all the time! You're pretty sure you've never been grounded in your life, and you know Jane hasn't been. It's not like you two are bad kids or anything, but you know that everyone else would be in the doghouse for some of the shit you pull. 

            Dad flashes you a smile, and if it's even possible, he looks as if he's swelling as he leaves to talk to your sister as well. Rolling your eyes, you close your bedroom door and log onto Pesterchum, this weird alternative chat client that you and your friends always use. Jade is already pestering you.

gardenGnostic [GG]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

GG: john!!!  
GG: did your exploding cake thing work??  
EB: yeah it did  
EB: you should have heard them scream! i thought they were pretty tough looking guys until you could hear their shrieks from my bedroom  
EB: dad wasn't that mad either  
EB: he never really is  
GG: that's awesome!!  
GG: show those assholes who's boss :p  
GG: jake and i are coming over tonight  
GG: when i can actually drag him away from the t.v that is, he won't move from the couch since you gave him those movies!!!  
EB: when faced with movies as awesome as mine he wouldn't  
EB: i told you i had good taste in movies!!!!!!!!  
GG: jake likes every movie john and you know it  
EB: i'm insulted you would think that would make a difference   
GG: ugh i wish you'd stop doing vriska's weird 8 quirk  
GG: she's not good for you john! :(  
EB: whats wrong with vriska? besides i have no idea what you're talking about!  
GG: ...  
EB: okay, so she did nearly kill us both one time! that doesn't mean she's a bad person!  
GG: ...  
EB: well that made her sound kinda bad, but it wasn't her fault! and anyways jade it's not like you haven't made bad decisions with your dating life either  
EB: eridan in the fourth grade *cough*  
GG: not fair! that happened years ago  
GG: anyways i just wanted to tell you that jake and i will be over later and we'll finish this then  
GG: bye!!! <3

gardenGnostic [GG]  ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

 

            You really didn't want to think about the emotional and physical pile she's going to drag you into later to talk about the whole Vriska thing, AGAIN. Jade's your cousin, along with her older brother Jake. You guys are pretty inseparable most of the time, and you love her like a sister. She usually has your back when you need her for pretty much anything. Jade, along with your other friends, Rose and Karkat, are the best friends you've ever had. You can't imagine anything coming in between the four of you. God, you're sappy sometimes.

            You decide to stop getting overemotional about your friends and go to your sister's room to see how she's holding up after the encouraging speech from Dad.  Though it was your idea to explode the cake, Jane was the one who made it. You won't go near them. You have your reasons.

            Jane answers her bedroom door looking exhausted. She glares at you. "Thank you John, I loved hearing Dad's long winded speech about how his two children not only work together, but can take care of themselves. Now I'm spending my evening doing some fatherly bonding over baking for you and I." She spits out. You half-shrug apologetically and enter her room (to her reluctance). Her room's a lot like yours. You both cover the wall with your favourite movie posters and actors, though you like to believe you have much finer tastes than the various mustached men she is in to.

            "It was worth it though. Those Strider guys won't be blasting music that late again anytime soon." You say, flopping onto her bed. Jane giggles. She knows you're right. Jane was a little more than eager to help you with your prank; she almost always is.

            "I know it. Would you like to join me for a small walk John? Miss Whittington next door needs help weeding her garden and Dad volunteered me." You shrug, you have time to kill, and Miss Whittington almost always gives you some of her homemade iced tea when you help her out. Plus, she's borderline insane.

            You and Jane said goodbye to your father and make your way to your neighbour's house. It isn't really far; her house is just nestled between yours and the Strider’s in the dead end of the street. Miss Whittington waves to the two of you as you walk up her front yard.

            "Good afternoon, children!" She says happily, waving her weird cane shaped like a snake at the both of you. You smile and kinda half bend over for her to ruffle your hair. "Thank you Jane, dearie, for offering to weed my garden. They're just coming out of nowhere! John, you too young man." You smile and so does Jane. You really do like Miss Whittington. She hobbles over to her bright yellow lawn chair as you and Jane get to work. You all chat away happily. She tells you about her new granddaughter, and how her son never visits. You tell her about your new Convenience store job, and Jane tells her about her newest mystery novel. Eventually, the Striders come up.

            "Who are those strapping young men who moved in next door? Is it one of them safe houses for the homosexuals? They woke me up with all that wild rumpus last night!!" Miss Whittington asks, pointing to their house. You snort loudly.

            "Yeah, something like that." You mumble and Jane slaps your arm.

            "John!!" She whispers angrily. You laugh.  "No Miss. Whittington- they're brothers. We heard the ruckus last night too. But don't worry, we've already taken care of it with some ruckus of our own!" She says proudly. Miss Whittington laughs and winks at her.

            "You two be careful! Fighting fire with fire always end ups with a lot of fire... or... firetrucks. You get it." She mutters. It doesn't really matter. You know you've won.

Right?

**== > Realize Own Stupidity**

            You were so wrong.

            Jade and Jake sleep over that night. Everything was awesome! You stayed up late and had a classic scary movie marathon- Jade's choice. You laughed, made popcorn, told scary stories afterwards, and got to do all the regular stuff you did when your cousins came over!  You didn't hear a peep from the neighbours or anything all night. 

            It was the morning they were waiting for.

            You get up that morning with all the intentions of a Strider free day as usual. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Dad is in the kitchen making you all pancakes with fruit and whip cream. Everyone else is already up when you reach the table and sleepily smile at your breakfast. Everything is good.

            "Supreme breakfast as usual, uncle!" Jake says happily as he takes thirds onto his plate. You all nod in agreement, passing out various thank-yous, when you start to hear the sound of a bass. It’s low and rhythmic, and sounds like the Striders. You and Jane both groan in sync. You thought this was over!  Slowly everyone gets up to follow the both of you to the door. As soon as it opens the familiar sounds of "Don’t Cha" by The Pussycat Dolls fills your ears. Jesus fucking Christ.

            You're greeted by the lovely sight of the eldest Strider quite literally washing your father's car with various parts of his body. Jade immediately bursts out laughing, as well your Father, giving out his own hearty chuckle. Jake seems to have gone into shock, and Jane is beet red. Mr. Strider pours a bucket of water over his body and you just about lose it as well. Just about.

            "Nice day we're having eh Mr. Egbert? Thought to myself this morning, that cake was so good that I should do my new neighbours a favour. While I was washing my own car, I couldn't help but think it was the right thing to do to wash yours too." He says, adjusting his shades and gets off of his hands and knees onto the hood, revealing a bright orange bedazzled speedo.

            Jake coughs awkwardly. "’Scuse me chap, but did you bedazzle your swimwear?" He asks.  Mr. Strider grins and snaps the band of the already revealing outfit. Jane averts her eyes. Jake goes red as well.

"Worked on it all night."

            "Right-o. Well, I'm done here. I think I'll go shower, if you don't mind." Jake says quickly, nearly running back into the house. Mr. Strider smirks and continues to wash the car, bending over provocatively to pick up the sponge he was as well. This is too much to bear.

            "Dad!" You say irritably. Your father looks away and places his hand on your shoulders. You huff and wait for him to politely ask Mr. Strider to never touch his car again.

            "Mr. Strider... This- this is too much.  I have to say I never expected such... kindness after knowing you for such a short time. Please, feel free to wash my car _anytime_ you feel necessary." Wait, what? This was not part of any sort of unspoken plans you had with Dad. He was supposed to kick him out! Show him who is boss around here! You frown at your father’s lack of mind powers, and glare at Mr. Strider.  His grin is gone and replaced with a less abrasive smirk.

            "Anytime. Now if you don't mind Mr. Egbert, this is my fucking jam." He says with what sounds like a strong Texan twang as 1,2 Step by Ciara comes on. Dad steers you into the house along with Jade and Jane, and you're furious. How could you be so dumb to think that simply exploding a cake would satisfy these douches?!?  It won't. You'll need to consult the book for this one. Fuck those guys. This is war.

\---

            A little later, you are plotting with Jane. You've both decided that the Striders need to go down and the score isn't really in your favour. "I was thinking we could do something to their car in retaliation," Jane says, looking at all your schemes you had laid out on the table. "I don't think they would expect us to do anything to their car right back, John." You flip through your papers and nod slowly.

"I guess so. I was kinda hoping for a little more though. What do you want to do, like a plastic wrap car?" That wasn't a bad idea, you guess; you've had better. Done before, but not terrible.  Jake walks in with Jade looking like he's about to go home.

"Going to get those Strider fellows back then, eh?" You nod and chew on your lip, looking for a new piece of paper.

"They don't seem to actually be bothered when Dad doesn't react to things, which I think was his plan all along. We're going to run these over with him a little later." Jane says, showing your cousins all the plans you've already hashed out, Cornel Sassacre's text wide open in the middle of the table.  Jake looks them over and shrugs.

“They do deserve something like this from what I hear. Those lads may be arseholes, but they sure are an attractive bunch." He adds somewhat abashedly.

You sputter. "JAKE. We are at war! We can't be thinking about how hot they may be at a time like this!" Jade laughs and ruffles your hair.

"Calm down, John! Just because they're hot doesn't mean we can't be at war with them. Besides, they are pretty good-looking, even if they are giant douches." Jade adds, smirking. Jane sort of nods in agreement beside you, and you can't help but feel betrayed.

 Stupid sexy Striders.

**== > Have a war. Be a man.**

            The war between your family and the Striders lasts most of the summer.  Even Jade and Jake join in, but Rose refuses to, saying it's a conflict of interest or something. It didn't really matter though. Someone got pranked at least once a week. You started out with the plastic wrap all over their car. They retaliated by putting yours in a box and gift wrapping it. You covered their home with balloons, they toilet papered yours. You covered their door with post-it notes, they filled your bathroom with weird puppet things. Poor Miss Whittington was always in the middle of your pranks, shaking her head from the sidelines. A couple of times, she's suffered from them too, like the time you told all the neighbourhood kids that the Striders were selling lemonade in their backyard and you all had to wade through a pool of at least hundred kids because they all brought their friends. 

            Slowly, the rest of your family seemed to actually start to grow on the Striders.  They wave to each other when passing in the streets, and your Dad and Mr. Strider occasionally talk. Jane even started to become friends with the middle child, Dirk.  Your pranking war is no longer fueled with distaste but friendly rivalry. You hate it.

            Yeah you still really aren't the biggest fan of them. Dad says that once school starts up in a couple of days, the war is over because you and Jane need to focus on your studies. You've been trying to plan one big last master prank, but Jane said she's done. The last one was her masterpiece.  Whatever, you could probably do it on your own. You just know that they'll get you back before the end and have the last laugh. It's a big pill to swallow.

            You slowly walk home from work; Jane and Dad are out at the store or something, getting more baking supplies which is weird because you're pretty sure your basement is filled to the brim with cake mix. At least you're home alone for some time. You always like being home alone. Not that you don't love your family, but they always have you on edge.  If you're being honest, your relationship with Dad is kind of strained lately. It's not as if you fight or anything! It's just harder and harder to be around him with him being so overbearing and all.

            You sigh and go to open your door. Then you go to open it again... And again. Of course, your hand is slipping right of the handle every time you try to turn it. Also, why the heck did everything smell like cherries?

Fucking Striders.

            It seems that they've taken the liberty of drenching the handle of your door with some sort of crazy cherry... flavoured lube. You don't really feel like testing the theory though and move to the side door of the house, which most people usually forget exists. Annnndd they covered that too. Awesome. You didn't even have anything to get them back with yet, and they've already got you. Cursing, you drop your bag to the floor and hope you have an extra shirt or something in there that you can mop up the lube with. Of course you don't. You're going to have to get one from somewhere else.

            Miss Whittington is at bingo... You think. She usually comes back on Sunday nights fanning herself with hundreds of dollars, so that usually means bingo night. All your other neighbours have learned not to answer the door when you knocked years ago. You guess you could wait for your Dad, but when he's out shopping for supplies he's gone for hours and its starting to get dark.  You give the handle of your door the best glare you can muster, and stomp across the street.

            Of course they were home. When weren't they home!? You mumble curses under your breath as you ring the doorbell and wait for one of them to finally answer. To make matters worse, the doorbell is one of those super long ones that are made for the pure purpose of making you feel awkward while you wait for it to end. Finally, the youngest Strider opens the door and you immediately feel very stupid. 

            "Uh..."

            "Sup?" He asks, adjusting his weird pointy anime shades like he just shoved them on. Jake was right, as much as you didn't want to admit it. They're a pretty attractive bunch, especially up close. You awkwardly run your hand through your messy hair, and remember how to speak like a normal human again.

            "There's lube all over my door. Do you guys have some paper-towel or something I could use, because it's incredibly inconvenient." You say with all the sarcasm you can muster. The boy just smirks slightly.

            "Yeah, I guess so. Come in." He shrugs, leaving you awkwardly in the doorway to his house. It looks nothing like yours. First of all, you might as well be in the Batcave, it's so dark. Second of all, you realize why they put all those weird puppets in your bathroom. There was enough here to fill a small school. While the other boy left, Dirk came down the stairs, his arms full of weird metal parts and what looked like to a robotic head.

            "Oh." He says, probably surprised to see you here. You may or may not have sworn loudly that you would never set foot in this devil house. "Hey." He says, nodding to you as he passed into the darkness of his home. Man, the Striders were weird. The youngest one finally comes back with a roll of paper towels and an even bigger smirk.

            "Take em' Egbert. Though, if I was you, I'd try to save as much as possible. Shit's expensive. Besides, all the free lube? I would be thanking the person who had the consideration to generously gift me that." He remarks, face passive. You smile and take the paper towels from the guy.

            "Oh, I will. Though I have to think it’s kinda sad that the person wasn't getting laid enough to find a better use for their lube." And with that, you turn and leave to mop the mess all over your doors, not even bothering to check out the look on his face as you left.

 


	3. SORRY FOR THE EXISTENCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop imagining the footballs players being like a gang in a musical from the 50's or something, like all snapping as they approaching their next victim in perfect time. Sorry for the wait.

**== > Play into the man. **

            You're once again Dave Strider, and you really don't want to go to school. You've never liked the place, and you doubt you ever will. When you were younger, Dad would home-school both you and Dirk, Bro already having finished school. You've never had to deal with all the shitty teachers and kids that were there. Well, at least until a couple of years ago then you were all forced into the public school system. It's pretty goddamn awful enough having to explain to all your teachers that you had to wear your shades as a condition, but what's even worse is getting the shit kicked out of you for it. Rose asked you about it once, like why didn't you just defend yourself, but most of the time you're out-numbered, weapon-less, and too tired to fight back.  Dirk had just as much of a problem with it as you did, so you're both pretty friendless.

            "Dave, get up." Bro says from your doorway, throwing a smuppet at your head. "Rose is coming to get you in 20." You groan and flop out of bed onto the floor, contemplating moving at all.  He throws one more smuppet at you and you finally get up, pulling on a red hoodie and some black skinny jeans. You methodically comb your hair until it lies down completely flat and perfect and put on your shades, glaring at your reflection in the mirror. At least you can't see the giant bags under your eyes from lack of sleep.  Summer is over. It's time to man up and go to school like everyone else.

            "Man time. Fuck yes, I'm a man. The manliest man.  The big man.  Probably from like, Manchester or something." You mumble to yourself as you walk down the stairs. Dirk's probably still sleeping, the asshole. After he graduated last year, he started making weird robots for the government or something so he never had to go back to school again. Of course, he couldn't bring himself to leave home. Bro's in the kitchen decked out in his pink "Queen of the Kitchen" apron, making cereal for the both of you. He hands you a bowl of lucky charms and sits across the table, a serious look on his face.

            "No more getting your ass kicked this year, lil' man." He says, staring at you from behind his shades. "Why don't you try and befriend some of the freaks around here? Those Egbert kids ain't that bad."  You scoff. Bro and Dirk have been getting to be bffl's with the Egberts recently, but you can't really say the same. Jane sometimes comes over and she's pretty nice, but not really your kind of scene. You guess you're happy for Dirk though, who's had just about as much luck with friends as you have. Though it's pretty easy to see that Jane girl has a thing for him. You don't have the heart to tell her that he loves the cock more than the early sunrise. Mr. Egbert's a stand-up guy too, you have to admit. If he can live near your family happily, then he's probably more than tolerant than anyone who has ever existed ever. John is.... not a fan of you. Not as if you've been trying to be bros for life or anything, but he really doesn't seem to like you at all so you've just kinda given up. You've thought about going to his house a couple of times but decided against it, feeling too weird.

            "Count me out bro." You say as Rose walks into the house, placing her hands delicately on her hips as she stands in the door. Despite being twins, you're nothing alike, or, at least you like to tell yourself that.

            "David.” She starts her voice laced with sarcasm. “I appreciate you making me wait in the truck for an extra ten minutes, making us both late for school." You take another bite of your cereal and stare her down. She raises one of her perfect eyebrows at you and you sigh.

            "My name isn't even David." You mumble. Rose smiles and walks back to the truck, her hips swinging behind her. Before you lived in the same vicinity as her, you never knew she could drive, let alone had a truck. She didn't really seem like the type to you, but the second she got in the seat you decided you can't see her driving anything else.

            "Did your war with neighbours unfold in your favor?" She asks you later while you're in the car, eyes on the road. You know she's just trying to make conversation to get your mind off of school. You shrug.

"It was ight. Covered their doors with lube. Egbuns got stranded and I had to throw him our paper towel life line.  They haven't gotten us back and I doubt they will with school and shit anyways." You explain, she kind of nods and the conversation dies. Soon enough the school pulls into sight. At least it's not covered in graffiti like your last one.  "Rose you got me the note right?" You ask and she sighs and reaches into her pocket. It's obviously written by her, but it'll work. It's not as if the teachers know you're related yet.  Rose parks the car and hands you a map of the school.

            "Try not to get too lost. Also, the roof is off-limits so don't even attempt it." She says, giving you a small smile before getting out of her truck to go to class. You don't even bother asking why she couldn't show you around. You're sure she has places to be and doesn't need you leaching off of her.

            The school was a lot smaller than your old one. There were only two floors, and a couple of hallways, all sorted by subject thankfully. Since it was the first class, you could probably bring your bag with you. You yank your schedule out of your pocket and study it quickly, walking through the front doors. Your first class is Foods. Thankfully it isn't too hard to find, but you do manage to make it to the class 20 minutes late. Everyone stares at you as you walk in the door.

"And who might you be young man?" You turn towards the cold voice and push up your shades.

"Dave Strider, ma’am." She nods and points to a seat at the back. It was easily the most broken and terrible desk in the entire room. You take your seat with pride anyways, but not before she looks and you and points at your shades.

"Not in class, Mr. Strider. I don't care how cool you think you are, you can't wear sunglasses while I'm teaching." You sigh and turn around, handing her a note and ignoring the band of giggling peers behind you. She reads the note quickly and blushes slightly, her lips pursed. "My apologies, Mr. Strider. I was not aware of your condition." The rest of your classmates go silent and just kinda stare at you like you're the main attraction in the circ-de-freak and the ringmaster just lit you on fire.

            The teacher makes a comment about your rude interruption and continues on with what she was saying, which was probably about safety or something unimportant like that. Occasionally a couple of kids look back at you, or even stare at you unabashedly. There is one girl with cat ears that tries to burn a hole in your head with her eyes. You wish people would go back to staring at her, but you're kind of used to this by now.

            Mrs. Snowman (as you learned) is in the middle of a discussion on the proper use of a butter knife when someone burst in the classroom.

            Of course it was John Egbert. His face is flushed bright red as he realizes the kind of entrance he made. There is some slight murmuring, and you see him give a small wave to a dark-haired boy as he hands a note to Mrs. Snowman.

 "Jonathan! Late, as usual. I'll let you off first day this time. Don't make it a habit this year. You may go take a seat beside Mr. Strider. I'm sure you two will be the best of friends, since you both already have a habit of being late." You can't help but think your life is turning out like one of Dirk's animes. John looks over at you and scowls, mumbling something about his name not being Jonathan. Reluctantly, he takes the chair beside you and pouts, looking over at his dark-haired friend. Though you don't really get why he would want to sit with him instead, he looks more angsty than My Chemical Romance in 2006.

 "Since everyone is so bent on interrupting me today, I'll cut to the chase. The person you are sitting next to will be your partner for the rest of the semester. If I find you unsuitable partners, then you will work alone. No, you may not work alone by choice. "

            "This is stupid." John mumbles just loud enough for you to hear. You have to agree. Although, you don't think you are that angry about having to work with John; you actually have nothing against the guy. You just don't want to be his friend that much. Well, you guess you wouldn't say no if he insisted. He obviously would rather cut off his fingers than be your friend though. The rest of the class was spent awkwardly with John uncontrollably shuffling and sighing every once and a while and you sketching out comics on your table. It was the first day, so of course there would be no actual cooking or anything like that.

            You leave the class and head to Bio. The reaction there was essentially the same as before; the teacher called you out on your shades, and you awkwardly give him a note. At least he didn't mention your eyes in front of everyone. You hardly give a shit anymore. The only class that is even slightly receptive of you having sunglasses is Music. You somehow managed to get there in time, and took a seat in the back as usual.  The teacher actually seemed pretty cool. His hair was all spiked up, and you could tell that he had piercings before.

            "Welcome to Music Class! I'll be your teacher for the rest of the year, Mr. Nitram." He says introducing himself. He looks as though most of the students know him, and he would rather be among them than teaching.  You can't help but think he's a bit like a ticket on the dash. That would be to say, he is pretty fucking fine. He is all awkward button down shirt half tucked into his black slacks, and you really hope it's not weird to fantasize about your music teacher.  You snap out of a vivid representation of him riding in on a horse naked when he asks what sort of instrument you want to play. You say you would rather mix or something, but since that never counts you could lay something down on the guitar.

            "If it was up to me, you could mix all the time man! Shit's bangarang!" He says giving you a quick fistbump. You smirk because holy shit he was into (in your opinion) terrible dubstep. He doesn't even mention the shades, not once. You later find out it's because he is a former weeaboo. You let it slide. This time.

**== > Let things get from bad to shitstorm.**

            By the time the last bell rolls around, you can't help but hope that this place isn't going to turn out half as shitty as your last school. At least there aren’t a lot of people whispering about you in hallways or anything. Though, you can't really say anyone's tried to be your friend.  You're sitting under a tree waiting for Rose to get out of whatever club she's in now, when a group of what looked like football players approach you.

            You look up at them from under your shades. "’Sup?" You ask, wondering why they were bothering to come up to you in the first place.  The one in the front sneers and waits for you to stand up to face him. You do.

            "Well well well." He said, in what sounded like a weird German and Russian accent all mixed in with something you didn't recognize at all. "Fresh meat, eh? Listen here, kid. I don't know if you're aware of the rules around here or not, but this is our spot." You shove your hands in your pockets and try to look as non-threatening as possible. You really didn't feel like starting anything, especially not on the first day. Despite every inch of you screaming to kick the shit out of this guy, you were far too outnumbered, and would most likely kick the proverbial bucket instead.

            "Sorry man, I'll just make like a tree then-"

            "Oh no. You don't get off the hook that easily.  Take this as a taste of what's to come, you fucking freak." He says, pointing at a couple of his lackeys. If possible, they become even more cliché and crack their knuckles before slamming you up against the tree and give you a few fair hits in various places; Your stomach, chest, face. Your shades fall off of your face and you wince violently, shutting your eyes tight. You have a slight albinism where your eyes are a fucking terrifying shade of red. Though it kinda makes you look like some sort of demon, it also makes you really goddamn sensitive to the light. You hear one of them step on them with a sickening crunch before letting you go. Usually you would be fine if it was indoors, but, of course, it would be the goddamn sunniest day in fucking history. You were basically stranded until Rose found you... If she found you.

            The jocks leave and just as you were reaching for your phone to blindly text her you hear footsteps running towards you. "Oh my gosh are you alright?!" An unfamiliar voice asks, sounding panicked. You laugh weakly and wipe some of the blood off your face. You wish you could see her but you really can't.

            "Been better. Would you be so kind to lend me a pair of shades though? Vision doesn't seem to be a thing that's happenin’ right now." There's some murmuring and the girl calls someone over.

            "Vriska? Do you still have those sunglasses? The ones that-"

            "Of course I do! What do you think I am? Calm your tits, Megido!" A raspier voice says. You can't help but automatically dislike this other girl with the shades. Whatever. Who were you to judge on a person who was willing to give you back the gift of sight?

            "Don't harass the guy, asshole. He's practically fucking dying!" Someone else says- a guy, it sounded like, with a particularly strong lisp. 

            "Don't worry, she's finding you some. Are you sure you're alright? Do you want to go to a nurse?" The original girl asks you. You shake your head and bury it in your hands until the other girl comes back, blocking your eyes from the sun. All you can see is a pair of bright red shoes in front of yours.

            "There's no place like home." You mumble quietly to yourself. The girl questions you but you don't answer. After what was probably three minutes, the girl comes back with the other guy in tow.

            "Take your goddamn shades. Don't fuck them up though! They we're a gift." You nod and someone shoves a pair of what feels to be aviators in your hands. Carefully you place them on your face and try to blink into the light. Your eyes will probably hurt for the rest of the day, but at least you can get around. Eventually your vision clears, and three people about your age are standing in front of you, waiting for you to do something.

            "Is that better?" The original girl asks. You give her one of your few genuine smiles and nod. She smiles at this, and shakes the guys arm. The girl is beautiful; all long dark hair and tanned skin. The guy she's with looks to be her opposite. His hair a much lighter brown and his skin is pale. He dons his own weird 3D looking glasses. The girl who you suppose the raspy voice belongs too looks like she wants to punch everyone in the vicinity. Though, she's pretty good looking too, her blonde hair with bright blue streaks and an obvious attempt to be someone who doesn't give a single fuck.

            "Thanks, ladies. Well, I better be off then. Catch you on the flip-side." You say, standing up a little too quickly and forgetting you just got the shit kicked out of you, only temporarily though, because your head and ribs throb as a painful reminder that you were just straight up taken to prom. The dark haired girl reached to help you, and with some hesitation so does the guy.

"Don't we at least get your name?" She asks you, lifting you up as high as you can stand.

"Yeah, what if we have to identify your body later or something?" The guy adds, smirking.

            You give in. "Dave Strider."

            The girl grins and holds out her hand for you to shake. "Aradia Megido. That's Sollux Captor, and she's Vriska Serket. Though, you don't really want to get to know her." She adds sourly. Vriska scoffs and turns away, waving her hand in the air.

            "Stay alive, Strider!" She yells back at you. You make no promises. Aradia hands you what looks like to be a Kleenex to mop up your face.

            "Why are you guys all here so late after school. If it wasn't for Rose I wouldn't be here right now."

            "Rose Lalonde? Is she your gf or something? Sollux asks, looking at you like you somehow managed to break into the oval office.  As far as he's concerned, you did.

            You mentally punch yourself in the face for that one.

"Nah she's my twin sister. Long story, don't worry about it." You say, looking for any sign of her in the parking lot. Aradia shrugs and guides you towards the school.

            "She’s never mentioned anything to anyone before. But now that you mention it, you two look identical. Oh. We're part of the Archaeology club, by the way. I'm the head and Sollux here is my co-captain. We usually have a couple of other members, but they graduated last year. Vriska's part of it too, but it's more of a remedial thing." You briefly wonder what Vriska did that could have been so bad, but decide against it. There is no part of you that wants to know what that girl gets up to. "We are always looking for new members if you want to join. We mostly just go on digs provided by the science center every year and study a lot of dead things."

            You feel lame, but that is everything you fucking love. You have jars of various organs and creatures lined up on the shelves of your room. You collect them, if anything. "How do I sign up for this shin-dig?" You ask, a bit reluctantly.

Aradia grins. 


	4. PRETENIOUS KNOBS

**== > Look at your life and cry**

Okay, things are not that bad. Once again, you're John Egbert and you're currently washing away your day in the school showers. You're on the football team again this year. Well, not on it yet _per se,_ but you've pretty much got a guaranteed spot. You've been on it since the ninth grade, and are a valued member of the team. You're usually running back, being the fastest out of most people, though through the years you've gotten a little beefier and they were considering you for a more strength demanding position.

             The water washes away the last of your practice, and you leave a little later than everyone else (lathering is important!).You swing open the door and Karkat is waiting for you outside of the showers with a scowl etched on his face.

            "Could you have taken any longer!? Yes, why don't we just make Karkat wait an extra 20 minutes while I go to fucking _fairyland_ in the goddamn bathroom! It's not like I had things to do or anything, bulge-licker." He says irritably. You're just happy he waited for you. Despite Karkat being.... really offensive a lot of the time, he was actually a pretty good guy and easily your best friend.

            "Calm, Karkat. We can go now. Do you know where Rose is? She was supposed to meet us and come to my house later tonight." You say, patting him on the shoulder and leading him away from the school. He brushes you off and straightens out his shirt. If you're being completely honest with yourself, you just like annoying him.

            "She said something about having 'previous engagements' that she couldn't get out of, whatever that means." He says, shrugging. "She wanted to introduce us to someone important tomorrow at lunch too." You look at him questioningly and sigh.

            "I guess if it's important to her than we should probably go. Besides, making new friends is awesome!"

            "Yeah, if you like painfully awkward conversations with someone who you know nothing about. I love talking about the weather don't you, John?" He spits out, rolling his eyes at you. You grin and ruffle his hair. He does punch you for that.

            "Come on! Getting to know people is the best part!" You say. It's true. You're always looking to make new friends. You're fairly popular at school, not god-like or anything, but most people thought you were pretty alright.  Due to being on the football team, most people saw you play and cheered you on. Most parties you were invited to, and you had more than one willing person to be your partner in class. You've even had a girlfriend before! Which, as Karkat liked to remind you, you were damn lucky for.

            "If you like getting to know people so much, you think you would have actually taken the chance to get to know that guy that doesn't sound all that terrible across the street." It was your turn to frown at him.

            "He's an asshole! I just don't want too. All of them are pretentious and cocky and weird, and can't possibly have any good qualities about them!"

"Why?" He asks you, quirking an eyebrow. You didn't need his sass. No sir.

"Because shut up. Shut up is why." And you leave it at that because you were done talking about it.

\---

            Later that night, long after you finished "Crazy, Stupid, Love" with Karkat and he went home, you spend hours surfing the internet and on pesterchum. You actually spent a lot of your evenings like this.  Eventually, Rose starts to pester you.

tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

TT: Hello John.   
EB: hey rose!   
TT: I trust that Karkat has relayed to you our previous conversation?   
EB: yeah he did   
EB: we'll probably all be friends before you know it, so don't worry about it!   
EB: we don't bite :P   
TT: That is exactly what I wanted to hear John.   
TT: I'm just a little unsure how much that promise will suffice when you actually meet him, though. He can be a little...   
EB: stupid?  
TT: Slightly, but that's not the issue. I just need you to promise me that when you meet him, you will give him a fair chance for companionship.   
TT: He doesn't have many friends...Or any, for that matter.   
EB: doesn't he have you?  
EB: don't count yourself out rose!   
TT: Oh, but I don't count John. I know this may be shocking to you, but the person you will be meeting tomorrow is my twin brother.   
EB: :O  
EB: WHAT!?!? you have a twin brother you've been hiding from us?   
EB: how come none of us never got to meet him before?   
TT: It's a long story that I would rather not divulge at the moment, but essentially, our parents split up when we were young, leaving my Mother with Roxy and I. Our Father has recently passed, so he's returned.   
TT: The point I'm trying to relay here is that it would be preferred if the two of you were "bros."   
TT: Normally I would let him make his own decisions about whom he associates with, but I like to think of this as moving along a process that is bound to occur anyway.   
TT: Obviously, if you are still adamant about being his friend then I would prefer if you could just be civil.   
TT: As much as it pains me to admit it, I do want the best for him and he cannot seem to do it himself.   
EB: rose have we ever disliked someone you introduced to us  
EB: NO  
EB: so stop freaking out we love you so we'll love your twin too!  
EB: even if he turns out to be a giant ass-hat i promise i'll at least invite him to halloween   
TT: Thank you, John. I appreciate the effort.  
TT: It means a lot to me, and I'm sure it will eventually mean the same to my brother.   
TT: If you could pass the message along to Jade, I would be grateful.   
EB: ok, sure! see you at lunch?  
TT: Of course.  


tentacleTherapist [TT]  ceasted pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

 

            You sign off of pesterchum and decide that that you are really going to make an effort for Rose. Not that you wouldn't anyways. It was for Rose right?

**== > Reconsider. **

            When you sit down at lunch the next day, you're fairly excited to meet Rose's twin brother. You all are. Jade wouldn't shut up about it all morning, and you're pretty sure she's gonna to attack the poor guy when he shows up no matter what.  Rose ends up being a couple of minutes late and you all sit, anxiously awaiting the arrival of her brother. Finally, you see her stroll into the lunchroom looking a bit anxious.

            "Rose!" Jade calls, patting the seat between her and Rose's girlfriend, Kanaya. Rose gives them a polite smile and sits down. "Where is he? I want to meet him. Rose come on, don't hide him away forever!" She whines, looking around the lunchroom quickly. Rose sighs.

            “My brother's just coming out of class late, I believe. He said he'll meet us here momentarily." She says, tangling her hand with Kanaya's. Kanaya smiles and looks around the lunchroom, obviously searching for the guy whom you all heard so much about. You briefly wonder if he will be anything like Rose. Maybe he really likes wizard porn too.

            “Ugh, I can’t handle the suspense, Rose! At least tell us his name or something!” Jade whines, throwing her hands in the air. Unpacking your lunch, you laugh and roll your eyes.

 

 

            "Rose? Is that him there? You two do look rather alike." All your heads snap up and you can feel all the blood drain from your face. No way.

            "Yes it is."

Nope. Nonononononononononononono-

"Everyone, this is my brother, Dave Strider." He walks over to the table and stands there kind of awkwardly while Rose gets back up to introduce him to everyone. Karkat bursts out laughing beside you, and you just kind of sit there open-mouthed. Jade is grinning and kind of gives him a half-wave. He nods at her in recognition.

"Sup?" He asks, shoving his hands in his jean pockets like he was the coolest kid in the universe.

"Dave, this is Jade Harley. It seems you two already know one another?" Jade kinda laughs.

            "Well, not really. I've been over to his house a couple of times with Jane and Jake, but it doesn't mean I'm not willing to know him!" She says, grinning. Rose smiles and continues. "The one who seems to be hyperventilating is Karkat Vantas. Don't mind his general ornery demeanor. This is Kanaya, the one I've told you about. Of course, you know John." At the mention of your name, you see him flick towards you briefly before taking a seat next to Karkat; A brave move.

            Jade immediately starts chatting to him, pulling out all her usually bubbly charm.  You tune out immediately, deciding that you might have to reconsider the promise you made to Rose. Karkat calms down enough to turn to you, the biggest shit eating grin on his face you've ever seen. You pout.

            "This is the least funny thing I can think of, Karkat. Not cool." Karkat laughs.

            "You so were asking for this by being a giant douche-canoe about the whole thing. Don't even complain to me. Besides, Jade seems to like him enough. So does Rose. You ever thought that maybe he's not that bad of a fucking guy?" He whispers, glaring at you. You glare back.

            "Okay, I get it. I'll still invite him to my Halloween party like I promised Rose, are you happy?" You ask him, throwing in the towel. Karkat shrugs.

            "I don't give a fuck, I don't know the guy." You really hate Karkat sometimes.

            Everyone continues to chat away happily for the rest of lunch. You, too, eventually get into the conversation as well, putting in your opinion here and there. You mostly talk about your up-coming party that you throw every year. It's a pretty big deal. Halloween is second to April Fools. Every year you, your Dad, and Jane all set up the house like the Haunted Mansion and completely deck out the place. When you were kids, you and Jane would set up fun games after everyone got through the "scary" part of the house, like apple bobbing and a candy toss. Now that you are older, it's more of a high school party, with the usual drinking and music, but everyone dresses up. Last year people bet off all their candy.

            So yes, you were pretty excited for it this year!

            "Have you decided on the theme yet this year, John? It is your turn, isn't it?"  Jade asks. You grin.

            "You won't find out for at least another month!"

            "Last years will prove hard to beat. Though, I did enjoy dressing up. Jane is quite creative with her themes, isn't she?" Dave looks over at Rose questioningly. "Roxy forced me into a couple costume of inanimate objects. She insisted I was the tasteless plug to her outlet." Dave smirks.

            "Dirk and I were too. We're related after all Rose."

            "I was so worried, thank god." She says, smirking. You can't help but notice how different Rose acts around Dave.  Even thought they are obviously physically related, it's easy to see that they are siblings emotionally too.

           I would be sort of cute if it wasn't super gross.

            Karkat starts to go on about how that is possibly the dumbest idea he's ever heard and you turn to Rose while Dave is distracted.

            "Why didn't you tell me Dave is your brother? You knew the whole summer and didn't say anything!!" You whisper, furrowing your brows. Rose looked at the table and sighed.

            "Because I wanted you to form your own relationship with him instead of one based off of my influence. Are you still going to uphold your earlier promises?" She asks you. It's your turn to sigh.

            "Yeah, I guess so.  As long as he isn't a giant dick-butt there!" You say, crossing your arms and pouting. You look over at Dave and he seems to be getting alone fine with the rest of your friends, surprisingly. Jade appears to want to be friends with him and even Karkat is having some sort of a friendly back and forth.  He still is carrying himself with that fake cocky demeanor you hate so much. With his stupid hair flips and obnoxious sha- hey those were yours! He took your shades! You would recognize them anywhere! They were one of a kind from the Ben Stiller himself. You gave them to Vriska a week before the two of you broke up.

            Maybe they were knock-offs or something.

            You hope they were knock-offs or something.

\---

            The next day, Dave is all that your friends seem to be able to talk about. The second you got home last night Jade comes bounding in the door desperately trying to convince you that he's not as bad as seems. All you hear about is how he is super trained in the martial arts or something that sounds like a complete load of crap. Jake agrees and says that they have tons of cool mixing equipment and stuff too. It sort of makes you wish that he just never moved in the first place. You were tired of your life being surrounded by nothing but Dave, Dave, Dave!

            Things go from bad to worse when you arrive in Food's class late once again. Mrs. Snowman glares at you as you enter the class, handing her your late slip.

            "That's the third time this week, Mr. Egbert. I can't believe you're already reserving a seat in detention." The class lets out a collective snicker.

            "It just beckons me, Mrs. Snowman. What I am supposed to do?" You say, taking your seat at the back with Dave. Mrs. Snowman frowns and whips a ruler against the board.

            "Now that Mr. Egbert is done interrupting us, I thought I would continue to explain your assignment. In two months you will be required to hand in a recipe book; this needs to have at least 100 recipes. And when I say that, I mean that these are all recipes that you must have made yourself.” You groan. She does something like this every year and it’s always a pain in the ass. At least Jane cooks a lot and you just managed to steal the recipes from her. "No online pictures. They will be checked with your electronic copy, as well as a physical one. This year, I would like you to work with your partner in making the book. How you choose to split the work is your choice.  You may not work alone." Of course, more Dave in your life. This is exactly what you wanted.  You turn to him, and the rest of the class is buzzing with discussion of the project. You force a small smile.

            "If we are going to split the work, you and I should just each make 50 meals on our own and mash all together into something in the end. As long as we _both_ do our work, we should be fine." You say, praying to God that you wouldn't have to actually spend time on this together. Dave shrugs.

            "Whatever you want man. I don't really care. "

            "Good." Dave sits there quietly for a minute before turning back to you.

            "Wouldn't it be easier just to get a bunch of it done in a couple of days or something together, though?" He spits out. It’s the first time he’s actually spoken to you like a person instead of a bag of dicks. You stare at him and wait for the douchery to happen. "Then just whatever we have left we spread out, instead of flipping the fuck out if we don't get it all done. At least we'll have something." Of course, now he wants to work together. You bury your head deeper in your arms.

            "Why don't we just try it my way first and see where we are in a month?"

            "Yeah, cool." He says somewhat awkwardly, looking like he wished he never said it in the first place. You wish he didn't. Now it was awkward. Awesome. You both kind of shift in your seats for a minute, and thankfully Mrs. Snowman interrupts. She taps her long fingers on your desk and waits for you to look up at her.

            "Mr. Egbert, I hope your tardiness won't continue to be a problem. Mr. Strider over here at least has the mental capacity to realize that coming late again won't make me very happy. A word to the wise, John- you want to keep me happy.  I expect good things from this assignment. From the both of you." She says, but you had trouble understanding her over all that bitching she was doing. Dave just kinda stares at her through his shades, and you find it a little off-putting that you can never tell exactly where he's looking. Apparently so does she, because she gives him an odd look and stalks out of the room. Presumably to go and get the assignment sheets.

            The class bursts out into full conversation mode, and you decide that maybe it's time to go and talk to Karkat. Luckily he's partnered up with Terezi, which you know is exactly who he wants to be partnered with. Not that he has really said anything to you, but he's had a painfully obvious crush on her since you became friends (Which was at least middle school. This crush thing was kinda getting sad). You flop onto his table and sigh loudly. Terezi above you smacks her lips and ruffles your hair.

“Karkat, someone has it out for me.” You groan, gazing up at her. Terezi laughs and starts putting little pieces of paper in your hair.

            "You smell like defeat, John. Don't rub it all over the desk." She whines, looking for coloured paper to add to all the junk she's putting in your hair.

            “So it's come to the point where you realize that you're actually going to have to spend time with him, isn't it? I fucking told you. Not giving Strider a chance is going to bite you in the ass.” You groan into the cool metal of the table and blindly pet his face.

            "Don't even lie to me Karkat you think he's a Douchey McDoucherton too."

            "First of all, stop FUCKING TOUCHING ME, JESUS TAINT-LICKING CHRIST." He yells, slapping your hand away. "Second of all, I have no idea what that is even supposed to mean. Yeah, he is probably an asshole, but so are you. You'll probably work well together." He says, absent mindedly watching Terezi just colour on paper instead.  You knit your eyebrows together.

            "Wait... This isn't because of one of your weird rom-coms right? Dude, if you think that Dave and I are going to be star-crossed lovers or something then you need put that train back in the station, mister!!"

            "Don't be such a baby, John. It’s not like you have a choice in the matter." Terezi laughs, dumping all her coloured paper in your hair as well.  You groan again and force yourself to stand. A few pieces of paper fall out of your hair onto your shoulders. You pout.

“No way.” You were being stubborn on this one. No way in hell were you going to get with Dave Strider. You have a hard enough time even speaking to the guy, let alone want to do… other things with him.

“I would rather personally scrape out my eyeballs then watch you “get” with anyone, John.” He says, rolling his eyes at you.

“Okay… but don’t get any ideas!”

“He’ll cave by Christmas.” Terezi whispers obviously to Karkat. You glare and decide that it’s time to leave. Who cares what they think anyways! You don’t even like guys like that, let alone Dave! You sort of half glance at him on your way back to your seat, careful to avoid looking like you were staring at him under the eyes of Karkat. He is bent over his seat, carefully sketching out these weird terrible comic guys on your table, and you wish he would at least make it a little less obvious what he was doing.

He doesn’t look up when you sit back down beside him, but he does look likes he tenses up. Suddenly a weight fills your stomach. Rose said he didn’t have any friends and you wrote him off before talking to him at all. Maybe you haven’t really been fair to Dave.

“Yo Egbutt, you wanna pass me up a pen?” He asks you, cocking an eyebrow in your general direction.

Maybe you shouldn’t rush things.

 

 

 

 


	5. THIS HAPPENS MORE THAN YOU THINK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska speaks, People Bake, and the Striders get royally fucked up. Sorry about the wait, University is now a thing thats happening.

2 MONTHS LATER

**== > Go To Archaeology Club.**

You are once again Dave Strider and you may or may not be stoked about going to Archaeology club after school. It’s pretty much the highlight of your week lately. Not only do you actually enjoy the shit you do there, but you’ve actually managed to make some friends there for once in your fucking life.  Everyone is pretty much what you thought they would be when you first met them; Aradia is nice, if not a little weird. Sollux is kinda an asshole, but hey so are you. Vriska you won’t touch with a thirty-nine and a half ft. pole. The other members you don’t talk too much, but there is one girl named Terezi that usually slithers her way into the classroom where you held your club meetings.  Originally, she used to snake her way around Aradia to talk to Vriska. They were like some weird partners in crime but you just have vivid visions of them being like those chicks from Chicago singing about how they were justified in taking out their husbands.  Not that you’re into musicals (you are, its unironic and a source of great shame).

Anyways, Terezi eventually notices you as well, and starts sneaking in to see you instead of Vriska, not that you blame her. It’s not as if Aradia doesn’t notice, but Terezi is also pretty goddamn blind, and when you say that you mean it literally. No one is about to shit on the blind girl.  Even if they did you are pretty sure she would just pull the helplessly handicapped card anyways, and make everyone feel like smashing open their piggy banks for charities and start adopting unfortunate children in third world countries. She’s weirdly manipulative like that. Not that it really matters to you. You might have realized through your strange conversations while Sollux is trying to break up fights between Vriska and Aradia that Terezi is just as capable as everyone else. Apparently few people realize this because she still gets in every meeting.

This time was no different as you lean back in the desk you were sitting in and watch her quietly walk into the back door of the classroom. She usually has pretty good timing and waits for Vriska or Sollux to distract Aradia. She flashes you a grin as she takes a seat beside you, setting her cane down on the floor.

“Hey, coolkid.” She says, leaning in close to you, probably to smell you which was a weird thing she did but you got over it a while ago.  “Someone is in a good mood.” You shrug. You guess you have been in a pretty good mood lately. Aside from the weekly beatings you received from Eridan and his band of dickbags, you’re actually more happy than you remember being in a long time.  She picks up one of your pens and starts to doodle beside your already shitty doodles on the desk.

“Ridiculous, TZ. Don’t you know that cool kids are never in a good mood? We are a rare breed and only dwell on one plain of existence in the emotional spectrum, and that is the mood of never giving a fuck.” You retort and she giggles, though, it’s really more of a cackle.

“Not for long, then. I overheard Aradia saying that they have to shut down your club, Dave.  You need more members or the school board won’t fund you.” She says, drawing a small little crocodile looking thing beside one of your comic’s characters. Your poker face falls slightly. It was probably just a dumb rumour or something, but then again, Terezi doesn’t like to give out false information; At least, not to you. Not often.

“Are those some hard cold facts?” You ask her, looking in her bright red glasses through your darker ones, even though you know she can’t see you. “These facts better be as hard and cold as the bathroom floor at 11 o’ clock hangover, TZ.” She presses her hand against her heart and nods. Just then Aradia clears her throat and looks up at the five, maybe six, people in the room.

“Alright everyone,” She starts, looking a little crestfallen as her eyes scan the room. “Thank you for coming when you did. I’m afraid I have some bad news.  Mr. Scratch says that we will no longer be funded by the school unless we find more members-  At least five new members in the next month.  Apparently, Vriska doesn’t count as well. We need real, willing members” Terezi nudges you in the side with her razor sharp elbows.

“See, Dave? Would I lie to you?”

“Probably.” You mumble back, turning your attention back to Aradia. As much as it was strange to admit, you would probably be pretty pissed if the club got cancelled. It was your salvation from the weekly beatings, and you actually made friends there. Also, you liked the promise of eventually getting to go to a dig and look at it all up close, all the dead shit you could imagine. You just found it really interesting, okay?

“I was thinking that a bake sale might be good. We could raise more money for our club and get our name out there so people actually know it exists. Doing that, aside from asking your friends, of course.” She finishes, looking grim. You decide that grim doesn’t really suit her.  Vriska scoffs in the back corner.

“Why would making people cookies make them want to join this band of losers?” She asks, looking over at Terezi, who snickers as well.

“Yeah laugh it up, TZ. We all see you sneak in here every meeting us hang out with us “losers” anyways.” Sollux spits, Terezi stops laughing and goes back to her usual grin.

“I have my reasons. If you want me to put my name on that list, I wouldn’t try making at an issue.” Sollux scowls.  Aradia, on the other hand, grins.

“You’ll finally join, then?” She asks, looking hopeful. Terezi sighs and leans back on the chair.

“That all depends on what you are offering.” She says wickedly. Aradia’s grin falters, but she continues smiling while Sollux looks like he’s going to blow a fuse anytime.  Without waiting for her to answer she looks around the classroom, scanning for something. “I want use of the chalkboards during your meetings, and all new chalk for them. “  You smirk. Terezi seems to have a thing with chalk. She divulged to you once that it was her favourite method of drawing, and was delicious to boot.  She’s so fucking weird.  Then again, there are borderline pornographic puppets scattered around every inch of your house so you can’t really say much.

“Fuck no.” Sollux says, crossing his arms and glaring at her. Aradia places her hand on his shoulder and sighs.

“Fine. But you have to come to every meeting, no excuses.” Terezi gets up and makes her way towards Aradia, shaking her hand.

“Of course.”

“Good. Now, sorry everyone, but we don’t have much to do with our funding cut off. I’ll message you all the details later. Just put your chumhandle on the board before you go.  There won’t be any more meetings until we can figure this member thing out.” There are several mumbles from the few people in there, and Vriska give a small cry of victory. All you can think about, though, is that your one heavenly salvation has been torn away from you.  You shove your hands in your pocket after scribbling “turntechGodhead” on the board and don’t even bother looking for Rose in the parking lot- you know she’s not there yet. Yet send her a quick text to not bother picking you up after her own club meeting and start to walk towards Mom’s house. Unlike you, the Lalondes live in what some might consider a mansion. It’s in one of the richest neighbourhoods in the city, not too far from your house, but far enough; just across some train tracks.  As you walk, you hear someone running behind you and turn your head slightly to see Vriska jog up beside you.

“Wait up, Strider, it’s not a race!” She says, slightly out of breath. You push up her shades on your face and keep walking, letting her match your stride.  “We’re going the same way, might as well go together. Besides, those assholes won’t kick the shit out of you when you’re with someone else.”  You bitterly think that she’s right, though, you don’t admit it out loud. “You live around here?” She asks you, gesturing to the elaborate lawns and long winding driveways you were passing.

“Nah, my Mom does though, that’s where I’m headed.” You shrug. Vriska nods and walks with you a little further in silence until she stops dead in her tracks. You would keep going but it kinda seemed like she expected you stop as well.

“I bet you want to know why I’m even in a club with Aradia don’t you? What landed me there?” She said bluntly, pulling her hair off of her shoulder and damn this girl was fucking cocky. That was saying something living with Dirk and Bro. You honestly didn’t care very much, but, you were still kinda maybe just a little bit really fucking curious.

“I don’t really care.” You mumble. She looks at you incredulously for minute and laughs.

“Of course you do. It doesn’t really matter much anyways. I’m not allowed to tell people. The school wants me to keep it quiet for my own safety, not that I wouldn’t kill anyone who tried to lay a hand on me.” She grins, eyes flashing. Yeah, this chick was just as scary as when you first met her. “Though, if you really want to know, you could always ask my ex. He’s the own who originally gave me those shades in the first place.”

“Yeah? Do you want these back then? I don’t need any dude coming after me with his brass knuckles claiming that I’ve moved into your territory like some sort of suicidal solider.”  She shrugs.

“Trust me, John Egbert won’t be coming after you anytime soon.  You can keep them.”  You snort. No fucking way. There was no way that Egbert got his nerdy little hands all up and in Vriska’s tight-ass jeans. No wonder he always looked at you weird- you’re wearing his shades.  “Oh so you know him then?”

“Vaguely, he lives across the street from me. Don’t think he’s my biggest fan though.”  You mutter, kicking a rock across the street. You both kinda watch it skip along the road and Vriska smirks at you.

“Wow, you must have done something pretty bad for John Egbert not to like you, or at least make that obvious that he doesn’t. I nearly- ah never mind. I’ll see you around, Strider. Keep yourself alive for fuck’s sake!” She says, walking ahead of you when you stopped in the Lalonde’s driveway.  You watch her walk away, long blond hair swinging behind her and wondering what the fuck just happened to you.  Vriska was never really one to strike up a conversation with you, then again most people weren’t.

**== > Enjoy the Sentimental Value Of Family**

You’re finding it pretty difficult to enjoy any of them at right now. In fact you have this uncontrollable urge possibly move to another country selling pears at a market every Saturday for the rest of your life and pretend that they never existed. Roxy is currently lying on your lap playing with your hair, humming the tune of Call Me Maybe while Mom is yelling at one of her fellow scientists on the phone. Bro and Rose are arguing the merits of having a dick longer than your forearm and you really just want to watch cartoons in peace, but Dirk is trying to steal parts from the tube. 

Roxy absentmindedly looks up at your from your lap and smiles. She looks a lot like Mom when she does that and you squirm, trying to escape her. “Shhh, Dave. Ro-la is here to help. Why do you always have such a colossal stick up your ass?” She asks you, petting down your hair even more. You frown.

“Can’t a dude just watch Teen Titans in peace? I have a fuck ton of learning to not blow up stoves to do in the next week and I just wanna get my ass thoroughly acquainted with this chair. Eventually I’d like to move to the best buds for life stage, and maybe get it one of the matching necklaces reserved for only the best of bromigos and when our magnetic hearts interlock I can be at peace with the world again.” You sigh, fixing your hair.  Roxy laughs.

“L-O-L, Dave. If you needed help with your cooking thing, why didn’t you just say so? Jane bakes me shit all the time. Cooking can’t be that hard!”

“Rox, didn’t you blow up the blender last week?” You ask her, raising an eyebrow. She pouts.

“That doesn’t matter right now. Besides, you don’t even know how to use a stove, don’t lie to me.” She says and you can’t really argue. You’ve probably used the stove all of two times. The Striders mostly survived off of Chinese take-out and pizza. You were not a cooking breed.

“Fine. Let’s make food then. Right fucking now. We’re doing this. We’re making it happen.” You say, pushing her up off of you and grabbing your backpack off the floor.  Roxy moved to throw her arms around Dirk, he sighs.

“What do you want Roxy?” She looks offended and ruffles his hair, messing up its perfect styling job. Dirk makes an odd squawking noise and pushes her off of him.  “Ahh, okay, okay what!?”

“Come help Dave and I do a cooking thing.  We are hopeless oh brave knight of the kitchen, you are the only one who knows how to tame the fearsome oven!” She cries, throwing her hand on her forehead dramatically.  Dirk rolls his eyes behind his shades and sighs again.

“You’d both be dead without me, I hope you know that.” He says bitterly and trudges towards the kitchen. Roxy winks at you and you both follow. The Lalondes had one of those crazy giant kitchens and you’re pretty sure when they got the house, Mom just handed the guys building a place a House and Home magazine and told them to go buck fucking wild.

The three of you end up scanning the internet for something good to make; probably a three part meal so you get bang off a couple of your recipes for class. If you were being honest, you tried doing a little of it at home, but you’ve pretty much managed to fuck up the simplest things.  You’re pretty sure you broke the toaster with your last attempt.  You all eventually decide on something fairly easy- Quesadillas, Three Layer Chip Dip, and some brownies because fuck yes brownies. Apparently your Mom went to go and have some Mexican one night, and then remembered that she also can’t cook worth a fuck either. It didn’t really matter- each of you tackled a meal. You decided to take the brownies for optimum bowl licking potential.  You would probably steal the actual recipe from the internet later, but for now you were just going to use the one they gave you on the back of the box. It wasn’t too bad. One egg. One cup of water. There was no way you could fuck this up. You might as well have bought a box of already made brownies because this shit was pretty much going to bake its self.

It actually wasn’t too bad at first- you all got out your respective ingredients, and took to making them accordingly. You just pretty much put the pre-made powder into a bowl and put one cup of water in it. So far so good. Roxy turned to you from her bowl and grinned.

“So, Dave… did you manage to land yourself a gf with all these new friends you’ve been making at school? What about Jade? She’s pretty goddamn adorkable.”  Roxy asks you, her “so” sounding way longer than it really needed to be.  You flush slightly.

“Nah, the ladies just can’t handle all the Strider swag yet. It’s too much for them, they all swoon so hard they faint on site. “ Dirk frowns.

“You mean Jake’s little sister?” He asks. Roxy winks at him.

“Yes; the one and only. She’s cute. Why wouldn’t Dave like her? Maybe a taste for yummy island babes runs in the family.” She laughs. Dirk flushes as well and knits his eyebrows together. You shrug.

“I dunno. Jade is nice and all, and I will say she has a choice ass, but she’s more of a friend than anything. I’m not really into her like that. Sides, I’m not really into banging my bro’s bf’s little sister.”

“Jake and I aren’t dating.”

“Please Dirk, we all know you’d cut off your foot for a chance to take a ride on the Jake train.” Dirk grows darker and you think that he must really like him because damn it has been a couple of years since you’ve seen the guy blush, let alone let any of Roxy’s antics get to him in the slightest.  “What about you Dave? If the ladies are too busy swooning, then you have to have the men in line too.”

“Nah.” She looks at you for a minute and goes back to her mixing.

“Maybe we don’t need Dirk after all.” Dirk snorted. “Look at this shit, Di-Stri. I’m basically a mixing master.” She said just as she picked up the hand mixer out of the bowl, covering the kitchen- Dirk and yourself included. You both sigh and wipe off your shades.  “My bad.” Roxy says, gently placing the mixer back in the bowl. You are all quiet for about three seconds before you all burst out laughing. You are clinging on to the counter, wiping the tears from under your shades when you Mom walks in smiling.

“What are you three doing in here? Roxy, sweetheart, don’t tell me you showed the boys the New Year’s video early?” Roxy shakes her head and hiccups.

“Nah, we’re making dinner for Dave’s project thingy.” Mom looks around and you kinda wonder how she didn’t immediately jump to the conclusion in the first place.

“That’s great! Tell me we don’t have to eat it off of the kitchen floors?” She asks, dipping her finger in some of the shit on the counter and tasting it. She shudders and wipes her finger on her dress. You feel a smirk creeping its way onto your face again.

“We’ll clean up when we’re done.” Dirk says, pulling meat off of some leftover fried chicken in the fridge. Mom smiles and ruffles his hair, much to his discontent.

“Good, we look forward to eating well tonight then. Don’t fuck it up or it will be grilled cheese night again!” She says, leaving the three of you to your food. You have a strange feeling it will be grilled cheese night again.

**== > Dig In. **

                You shove the rest of your grilled cheese in your mouth and wipe your face. Everyone else but Bro still seems to be eating so you get up to get your brownies from the kitchen. You think they were actually only thing that survived the massacre that was the attempt to make your family dinner.  They weren’t as bad as you thought, well at least in comparison to everything you all attempted to make. Aside from the occasional egg shell piece and the fact that they were a little undercooked, you could probably even pass them off for your foods project. 

“Davvveee!” Roxy shouted at you from the table. “Bring us the drinks I made from the counter!” She look over to a small silver tray neatly set up with some pink coloured drinks.

“Rox are you trying to inebriate us all into spilling out deepest secrets to you?” Dirk asks, as you balance the tray on your arm with the brownies as well.  She laughs and takes one off of the tray.

“Don’t poop on my party Dirk, only mine and Moms have alcohol in them.  There is one extra one though if someone wants it.” She said, waving you away. You shrug and take one of the pink drinks, eyeing it suspiciously.  You guess it was probably safe, though, knowing Roxy there was no way it was completely alcohol free. Not right now anyways. Roxy had a seriously problem with drinking since she had been sneaking your Moms drinks from the cabinet at thirteen. You’ve all tried to help her in the past, but ultimately Rose said it’s something that’s she going to want to do instead of all of you forcing her. So you just all sort of quietly disapprove in the background. You all gave up on trying to get Mom sober years ago. She was more of a lost cause at this point.  You throw back your drink along with the rest of your family. Except Rose who looks at hers distastefully.

“What’s wrong Rosie? Roxy made us all drinks darling aren’t you going to have one?” Mom asked her, swirling around the ice in the bottom of her cup. She didn’t really fuck around when it came to drinking on a Friday. It was pretty much go hard or go home.  Rose sighs.

“No Mother, I think I’ll have to decline this time. I would rather not suffer the sugar headache from all the artificial sweeteners that thing is swimming with.” Roxy just shakes her head and continues drinking.

“You have no idea Rose. None.”

\---

Three hours later you find yourself happily cuddling your tray of brownies at the table. You may or may not be completely fucking plastered. Turns out the drinks Roxy gave you all had a significant amount of alcohol in them, but because they were so sweet none of you tasted a thing. She probably just forgot that not everyone drinks.  You look over the table at Bro, who’s just completely passed out, his shades slipping off of his face and for some reason his pants gone. Mom is patting him affectionately, mumbling something to him you really can’t understand. Dirk is partly sobbing to Roxy.

“No, you don’t understand!” He whisper yells at her, trying to take another sip of at least his 7th drink. Roxy slowly pulls it away from him and shakes her head. “HIS ASS.  Have I told you about his ass Roxy? It’s so fucking choice. It’s like, the GODS from all holy above took it, and moulded off of the plushest most beautiful rumps all around the world and just mixed it all together to create this WORK OF WONDER AND HAPPINESS ROXY.” Dirk slurs all his words and ends up crying again. You tried to listen in but you kept forgetting you were in the middle of a conversation with Rose.  She’s looking at you expectantly.

“Dave, did you hear what I just said?” She asks you raising an eyebrow; you look at her and pat her face gently.

“No Rose, but I don’t listen to most of the things you say don’t be upset.” You murmur. She frowns.

“David in what way was that supposed not offend me?”  You sigh again and sip more of your drink.

“Rose m’ name isn’t David. I’m your brother I thought you knew me Rose? Don’t I mean anything to you?” You slur, a small grin slowly sliding onto your face. She looks tired. “I thought we were like this Rose.” You wrap your two fingers around each other and poke her with them.

                “Dave shouldn’t you be worried about your foods project? You only have a couple of pieces hald done, normally I would let you fail this yourself, but you’re dragging John down with you as well. Have you tried talking to him about this yet?” She asks you, pulling away your drink as well. You frown.

                “No, Rose, the guy hates me. You know he hates me! Why does he hate me Rose? We could be friends. We could be the best of friends! I would like, take him nice places like the movies. We could go see movies. I would like take him to see at least three movies Rose and he would be like oh damn Dave, you’re such a good friend, taking me to the movies. Then he would make us friendship anklets and talk about our feelings. I would do it too. I would talk about my feelings with him Rose… all four. We would be bromigos and it would be fucking sweet.” You rant. Twisting your shirt in your hands, Rose looks at you questionably for a minute. You never really told her that. Welp.  You sort of just flop dramtically on the table and sigh.

“Have you tried being his friend Dave? Or, even just not such a giant asshole?” You frown. Not really. You weren’t really the best at making friends in the first place. Besides, you weren’t that bad. Sometimes you think you try to trick yourself into believing that if someone can’t handle you at your worst then they don’t deserve you at your best. Then again you’re pretty sure you just said that ironically once after reading it on a fridge magnet.

“No. I don’t even have his pesterchum. Rose what if he just keeps hating meeeeee?”

“Since when do you care about what other people think about you?” She asks, her black, painted lips spreading into a smile. You grimace.

“I don’t but I can’t get help from the guy without it. I’m not gonna just show up at his house and demand his friendship from him. “You slur, passing her your phone. “Put it in, I need him Rose. This is the last straw.” You hate it when Rose makes the narrowed eyed distrustful face at you but she does it when she takes your phone from you and puts in his pesterchum. You know for a fact that she wants to see how this will play out just as much as you do and will probably harass you about your little confession of feelings later.  For now it would do though.

After Rose punches in his handle she decides that its really time that everyone goes to bed. So one by one she directs all of your too your espective bedrooms in the giant house until finally she comes to get you and drops you off into bed.

“Night dearest sister.” You say to her, patting her face as she turns to leave the room. She smiles and kisses you on the forehead, despite your retching noises and bodes you a goodnight as well. Not forgetting to point out the bucket she’s placed beside your bed in case you get sick during the night.  You smile happily as she goes and take off your shades, setting them gently on your night side table.  Your phone is in your hands though before you turn in, and before you can even start to fall asleep you can’t stop yourself from messaging John.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

TG: jonh  
TG: john*  
TG: jooooooooohn are you there this is s oimportant  
TG: im talking like level 7 code red shit  
EB: um  
EB: hi? do I know you?  
TG: john i am hurt  
TG: john I put lube all over your door how could you NNOY KNOW ME  
TG: not*  
EB: oh. hi dave.  
EB: are you drunk?  
TG: only on sadness john  
TG: and a very small baby amount of vodka  
TG: but only like *this much*  
TG: thast doesn’t matter rright now  
EB: should i call your bro or something?  
EB: maybe someone you shouldn’t be on the internet right now…  
TG: nah, bros passed out in his underwear somewhere  
TG: but yknow, it happens  
EB: im going to go now, not really even sure how you got my chumhandle  
TG: wait no  
TG: i need your help egbeet  
TG: I cant cook worth shit  
TG: I tried man  
TG: I trieds o hard  
TG: I cant do it by myself man i cant do it  
TG: this is me asking hyumbly for your help  
TG: im on my knees here man  
TG: humbly*  
TG: just lemme do it with you  
TG: the cooking thing i cant do the rthing on my own  
EB: are you sure you can’t do it by yourself? im kind of busy with my half of the project too, and i have other school work shit to do too  
TG: john why dont you talk to me john  
TG: do i smeel bad john  
TG: i tried using this weird deodorant  
TG: it said it would actually make me smell like the sex  
TG: do i smell like old people sex then  
TG: man i know those oldsters get it on but i think it would smell like fish nad chips and old cigars  
TG: DO I SMELL LIKE AN EARLY RETIREMENT JOHN  
TG: IS THAT WHY  
EB: hehe  
EB: do you always rant like this?  
EB: dave you shouldn’t be allowed to have alcohol, stop hanging out with your sister and actually work on your half of the project!!!!!!!!  
TG: but i cant i need your vast knowlesge  
TG: knowlede*  
TG: fuck you know what i meant  
EB: *sigh* i guess so.  
EB: come over tomorrow at twelve and we can get it done.  
EB: night dave  
TG: really  
TG: awesome sweet dreams egbird  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

                With that you sign out of pesterchum and sink into your pillows, drunkenly thinking that you might actually have a chance at finally getting John to like you tomorrow.  Your eyes slowly shut and you slip into a dreamless sleep. 


	6. SIX.  EXCEEDING EXPECTATIONS.

==> BE THE BOY WHO’LL PROBABLY DIE OF STRESS

 Your name is John Egbert and you don’t really plan on dying over stress anytime soon, but you think that the universe is making a pretty good try. Honestly, you never really had a problem keeping up with everything, but of course Dave had to stumble into your life, maybe a little more than you would have liked, and ask for your help in foods. You think you would have probably said no to him if he wasn’t absolutely plastered, and in all honesty, the perfect opportunity for you to prove Karkat wrong and actually give Dave a chance; Though not really because you still think he will turn out to be a complete jerk. 

Aside from recently adding Dave to your plate of the BAJILLION THINGS YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, you also have a really big football game coming up. Practices have been almost every night last week just to prepare for the big game on Friday. Of course, the one day you have off from the almost constant practicing is Saturday, so you would be spending the day with Dave. The game on Friday was a pretty big deal to everyone, you guess. You usually loved it when your school would be fighting against the rival team. The Dersites were a bunch of jerks as far as you were concerned! (That’s not really true, though. You actually like a lot of them, but it’s the terrible affliction of school pride that runs through your veins; its only nature.) This time, things seemed just like a really big hassle, though. Lately a lot of the guys on your team have been acting more and more cocky and you really just wanted to play and not have to worry about them being giant assholes. Plus, right after the game on Friday, you were throwing the post-game/Halloween party at your place, so you had to leave all the decorating to Jane. She was a little disappointed having to miss your game, but she never really liked sports in the first place.

A brief knock at your bedroom door wakes you out of your stupor, and you get up reluctantly, grumbling as you throw the covers off of you and answer it. Your Dad stands on the other side, giving you a small smile. The smell of cigar smoke fills your lungs and you wrinkle your nose, not particularly enjoying the gross taste it leaves on your tongue. “John, it’s nearly 11:00. Are you feeling alright?” He asks you, moving into your room and feeling your forehead. You frown and nod, pushing his hand off your face.

“M’fine, Dad; just trying to catch up on some sleep. Is it alright if I have Dave over today? I need to help him with our foods project. Don’t get all excited about me cooking or anything! It’s just that he is really hopeless without me.” You ask him, avoiding his eyes because you know the just lit up at the mention of you spending time with the Striders.  It was the weirdest thing, your entire family absolutely loving them. They always kinda of seemed like the last people your Dad would like on the surface, but you know him better than that. You know that he likes people who aren’t afraid to stand up for their self, or just be individuals. The Striders were chalked full of individuality, that’s for sure.

“Of course! Just clean up when you’re done. I’m really glad you’re willing to help out Dave, son. He is a good kid. They all are. A little strange maybe, but good people none the less.” He allows happily, ruffling your hair. You can’t help but pout a little. He was so overbearing at times.  Eventually after dragging out more conversation of how you should really consider your own personal health over small things like football and asking you to clean the house with Jane before you go to bed on Thursday, he finally leaves you to your room.  You go to turn on pesterchum, and actually find yourself a little surprised that in your late night stupor you’ve actually added Dave as a chum. His mood indicates that he is smooth, and you just assume that’s a regular state for him on here. You glare at the douchey little glasses on the emoticon before deciding that you should probably pester him. It’s not too late in the day, hardly even noon, so he should be over his drinking by now. 

ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]   


EB: hey dave  
TG: sup  
EB: are we still baking today or did you change your mind? my dad wants to know otherwise he’s going to take over the kitchen.  
TG: were baking today?  
TG: shit since when  


                You sigh and resist the urge to smack your head off of your keyboard. He was drunk and obviously doesn’t remember the conversation. You take the liberty of sending it to him and sadistically hope that he gets embarrassed by it. You have an image of a blush spreading all over his pale face, his (your) aviators unable to hide his stupidity.  Does Dave ever blush?

TG: oh  
TG: fuck right  
TG: yeah when do you want to do the whole baking thing that i completely asked you to do and planned on doing today  
TG: in fact i was just getting ready to leave haha look at that planning ahead just waiting for you to message me because i 100% knew that we were doing this today  
EB: you don’t remember saying any of that stuff do you?   
TG: not a fucking thing  
EB: its fine, I guess it doesn’t really matter anyways   
EB: just be here in a half-hour like you’re supposed too and it will be fine. don’t worry about ingredients we have lots here.  
TG: sure man, im at roses so give me like a ten minute blurred line   
EB: was that a reference to that stupid song?   
TG: no it had nothing to do with the blurred lines of consent Egbert. i dunno what kind of lady you take me for but this is not the road we are headed down. i have self-respect thank you very much.   
EB: ew no thanks.   
TG: don’t pretend that the sultry lure of a strider isnt tempting john   
TG: long winded stares will only go so far   
TG: i know of the strider charm john, i live it   
EB: just be here dave   
TG: see ya   


ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]   


                You groan loudly and go to exit pesterchum when it dings again. Angry grey text flashes on the screen, and there is pretty much only one person who it could be.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

CG: JOHN  
CG: NOT THAT I WANT TO WAKE UP AT 11 IN THE MORNING TO TALK TO YOU BUT TEREZI WONT GET OFF MY BULGE ABOUT ASKING WHEN WE CAN GO TO THE SHITFEST THAT’S YOUR CALLING A PARTY.   
EB: it won’t be a shitfest karkat!  
EB: trust me you’re going to have a good time  
EB: besides if you don’t just go be grouchy in the corner where no one can see you  
EB: if you want I can tell you the theme, top secret karkat people don’t get to find out until tonight when I make the facebook page   
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I ACTUALLY CARE   
CG: BUT FOR ARGUMENTS SAKE WHAT WOULD BE THE THEME  
EB: haha I knew you couldn’t resist   
EB: the theme is dead movie characters!!!!!!!!   
CG: THAT’S… NOT AS TERRIBLE AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD ORIGINALLY BE   
CG: THERE IS STILL NO FUCKING WAY IM PUTTING ON SOME FUCKING CLOWN SUIT TO HANGOUT WITH A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES   
CG: I AM A BUSY MAN JOHN, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO SPEND WITH YOUR ILLERTERATE FOOTBALL PLAYER FRIENDS, IN FACT AT THIS POINT I THINK I WOULD MUCH RATHER SCRAPE MY EYELIDS AGAINST SANDPAPER FOR HOURS ON END THEN DO SO. IM STILL GOING TO PASS.   
EB: shut up, you'll have fun and you know it   
EB: besides terezi is going isn’t she? lots of our friends are going to be there and it’s gonna be awesome!   
EB: also   
EB: dave is coming over today and we are cooking a thing together   
EB: that was me trying to make you happy karkat, see? now you can’t say i’m not trying because I am trying so hard right now!   
CG: I COULDN’T CARE LESS WHAT YOU DO WITH STRIDER   
CG: GO GET MARRIED AND MAKE HUNDREDS OF BABIES FOR ALL I CARE JOHN, JUST DON’T BE A PERTENTIOUS DICKNUT ABOUT IT. I KNOW YOU THINK THAT HE CRAWLED OUT OF SOMEONES ASS AND IM PRETTY SURE EVERYONE DOES TOO BUT HES ACTUAL NOT COMPLETELY TERRIBLE IF YOU TALK TO HIM   
CG: ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT LAST PART HES A LOT BETTER IF HE DOESN’T OPEN HIS MOUTH AT ALL   
CG: THAT’S NOT THE POINT   
CG: ANYWAYS GUESS WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, NOT THAT PARTICULAR FUCKING TOPIC. I HAVE TO GO GET MY FACE HARASSED FOR THE NEXT HOUR BY TEREZI SO I TALK TO YOU LATER   
CG: ADIOS LOSER   
EB: goodbye to you too!   


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] 

                You finally manage to sign off of pesterchum and stare at the clock 11:45. Dave was supposed to be here in 15 minutes. You yank your towel off of the back of your door and head to the bathroom, locking the door behind you. You take off your shirt and sigh at the mirror. Still skinny. At least your arms are bigger than they used to be. You tear yourself away from the mirror and turn on the shower. Steam fills the room as the hot water pours over your body and you finally can relax for a second. Now that you’re actually just focusing on nothing but yourself in the shower, you can feel how hard you’ve been working all week. Your entire body was sore and you look at some of the bruises you can see littering your torso again. You were still smaller than at least half the guys on the team despite bulking up, and when you got hit, you got hit hard.

                Basically this stupid team was killing you slowly.

No matter how much you got hit, or overworked yourself, or maybe even fell behind a little on your studies you still loved it. You loved everyone cheering for you and your team, people getting excited when you win and wanting to destroy the other team when you lost. When you were a kid you had a gym coach that told you that you would never make it and you did. It was pretty important to you, to say the least.

Eventually you remembered that you were actually supposed to have Dave over when someone knocked on the bathroom door.

“Yo Egbert! I don’t need you soaped up to get my bake on, let’s go!” Dave whines from the other side of the door. You grimace and step out of the shower, yanking a towel off the rack and drying yourself off quickly.  With the towel wrapped around your waist you shove on your glasses and open the door to a huffy Strider. He kinda just looks at you for a second before turning around abruptly.  “I’m gonna go hang out with your hot sister until you come out.” He says, throwing up a hand in the air. You fume but decide its better if you don’t say anything at all.

“I heard you Mr.Strider!” Jane laughs, grabbing him from her doorway and pulling Dave into her room. He salutes you before disappearing into her room. Gross. If there was one person you wouldn’t want Jane to date it would be a Strider, especially Dave.

You shuffle into your room and slam the door behind you. You quickly decide to thrown on just an old blue hoodie and a pair of light-wash jeans, you’re not really dressing your best. It’s just baking. After a failed attempt at flattening your hair you knock on Jane’s door. Waiting a moment, there’s still no answer and you trudge downstairs. Where the hell did they go? You really don’t want to have to search for Dave right now.  You hear laughing from the kitchen and make your way there; deciding to stay quiet to see what could possibly be so funny.

You see Jane in the kitchen, giggling at something Dave was doing, you crane a little more past the entrance to see. He was drawing something on her arm. Probably one of his stupid little comics or something. You clear your throat awkwardly and Dave yanks the sleeve of her cardigan back down.

“No peaking till later, that shit has to stay a surprise. Not until I am gone.” He says and she nods.

“Well, I’ll leave you two boys to your baking, John make sure you clean up my supplies when you’re done. Roxy and I are going to go to the arcade with the boys. There are instructions in case you’ve forgotten. Have fun!” She says, flashing you the same smile that runs in your family and walking out the door. Sometimes you cursed her ability to disappear off of the face of the Earth when you really needed her. With Jane gone, Dave suddenly grows quiet and the both of you sit in a sort of awkward silence, fully realizing that neither of you know how to talk to one another.

 “So….” You start, rubbing the back of your neck out of habit.

“Food.”

“Yeah! Right! Food… okay.” You say, pulling open the fridge and getting out as many ingredients as you can carry.  Dave just kind of watches you, waiting for some kind of instruction. You quirk a brow at him and sigh; This was going to be a long day.“I thought we could make some cupcakes, then maybe a cheesecake or something, which isn’t that hard. Then follow it up with a couple of regular meals. Really easy things- different kinds of eggs with fancy sauces and stuff! Cookies are on the list.”

“What about a cake? That shit looks pretty easy if you can deco-“

“WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT CAKE!”

“Okay.” Dave just says quietly, looking through some of the things on the counter. “Not that I really trust any cakes that pop outta this place anyways. My kitchen is like a hideaway house for small chunks of birthday candle. I found a whole one under the fridge yesterday.” You smile fondly at the memory.

“My finest creation.” You nod, still remembering the loud girlish screams that came from the Strider’s house that wonderful day. Dave kinda gives you a half smile and picks up the cinnamon off the counter.

“What’s this for?” He asks you, shaking a little into his hand. He opens it too much and a bunch pours into his hands. He pretends like nothing even happened and just awkwardly holds the spice.

“We’ll mix sugar with it and put it on French toast. It’s actually really good!” You say, pulling the frying pan out from the cupboard.  By the look on Dave’s face he probably never cooked anything in his entire life. At all.  “Dave have you ever even had French toast?”

“I dunno, maybe at like a restaurant or something. Egbert how are we going to make all this shit in one day? I don’t know how fancy and French you want your toast, but where I’m from we just pop it in the toaster and hope for the best.” Dave says, drawling just slightly. You suppress a smile. It sounded nice and natural on him, like he tried to hide that he was from Texas so obviously every other time he spoke.

“French Toast takes ten minutes. Its fine. Besides you can eat it all when we’re done. Now come on- we actually need to get started.” Dave nods and you both get to work.

The two of you actually manage to get some work done over the course of the next couple of hours . You also sort of realize that Dave wasn’t even being lazy, he just honest to goodness has no idea how to make a single thing. You also realized that Dave is in no way as quiet as you thought he was. It’s like he just rambled on and on about nothing half the time because he didn’t know what to actually say. You were both in the middle of making the final thing you needed for your project, and were quieting down a little. It wasn’t anything too hard; just cookies, for last. You two already had what looked like a feast going. You even saw Dave wipe the corners of his mouth a few times.

“Last thing on the list, then we can pack up and wait for them to bake. I think that’s everything left too. I made extra stuff earlier just in case and you do have a couple of things already, don’t you?” You ask him, rinsing out the mixing bowl you used before in the sink. Dave nods and leans on the counter.

“Yeah, Roxy and Dirk helped me in their own ways. The pictures are shopped more than a Kardashian in Cosmo though.” He says, shrugging. You smile a little and sometimes Dave was just really stupid. Jade was kinda right about his metaphors and junk.

“Whatever. As long as she doesn’t notice I don’t care. Can you grab the flour off the top shelf there?” You ask him, pointing to the cupboards. Dave nods and reaches for the bag. It tips slightly and you already know what’s happening. The bag tips forward and half of it pours over Dave.

You both just stand there is a quiet shock for a moment; he turns to you, face blank.

“I’m going ghost.” He says quietly. You fucking lose it.

Within seconds you are clutching on the counter for dear life, doing your horribly embarrassing laugh and you snort and everything. It’s awful but you can’t stop laughing. Dave starts laughing too and you eventually both end up on the floor with tears streaming down your faces. You hiccup, your laughter finally dissipating and wipe the tears off your face. You’ve never actually heard Dave laugh before, well not a real laugh anyways. He eventually stops too and you both just sit there on the floor quietly still chuckling in a pile of flour. It wasn’t even that funny.

“Well, it’s not that big of a difference, you’re still pasty dude.” You smirk, picking the bag up off the floor, and scooping up what you needed for the mix. Dave shoots you a look and brushes himself off while you add the rest of the ingredients. You both decide that it’s probably best if you finish these ones and plop them in the oven.  After sweeping up the mess on the floor you stand there and kinda wonder what you’re supposed to do now.  “Uh… I guess we could hang out in my room until they’re done.” You mumbled kinda awkwardly. Dave just shrugs and you blow the hair outta of your eyes, trying not to look as weird as you feel hanging out with Dave in your room.

The both of you make your way up the staircase and he follows you into your room.  You clear your throat and look around for any form of escape. Computer, Bed, Yahtzee, Piano- perfect. Piano will do. You saunter over to the instrument and crack your knuckles, pressing a couple of keys.  Dave raises a brow and leans against it, watching your hands.

“You play Egbert?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I’m not really good or anything but I took lessons until I was ten. I can play a couple of songs.” You shrug, starting to play a pretty melody off the top of your head. Dave listens to you for a second.

“Shit, do you write at all?” He asks you, picking up some of your song books. A lot were classical pieces you admit. You’ve learned a couple of songs you’ve found on the internet here or there, a bunch of older songs you used you play for your grandparents. You aren’t obsessed with music or anything, but you enjoy when you can and it’s a really nice escape. You’ve tried writing things a couple of times, and some of them sounded alright, but they were always missing something, or you couldn’t finish them.

“I dunno, not really. I just kinda play what’s put in front me or mess around.” You say, still playing the pretty piece. Dave nods and looks at you for a second before dashing out of your room.

“I’ll be back in a sec!” He shouts from the stairs, flying down them.  You have no idea where he is going but hear the front door open from downstairs. Brushing it off you just continue to play your piece, lightly humming along. You weren’t the best singer so you just kinda stuck to humming. It was a lot easier anyways!

Soon you find yourself getting lost into what you’re playing. This actually happens a lot more than you admit. Whenever you’re confused, or sad, or angry, or even in a really good mood, you tend to play for hours without even noticing.  After a while though, the melody you’re hashing out starts to sound different, better if anything. Then you realize Dave is slowly strumming along on your bed with a guitar.  You jump and nearly fall off the bench.

“Holy shit Dave! Warn a guy!” You squeak, regaining your balance again. Dave looks up from his guitar and frowns.

“What the fuck keep going Egbert, those were the start of some sick fires bro.” He says irritably, ceasing his strumming. Oh. Has he been here the entire time?

“How long have you even been there!?” You ask him, suddenly feeling like he caught you doing something a lot more private than being absorbed in the music. Dave sighs and strums a chord.

“I dunno, maybe ten minutes. You’re actually not bad. Can you improvise?” He questions, you kinda half-shrug and he gives you this weird half-smile. “Good enough. Let’s run way and make beautiful music together John. We can be like every couple on glee.”

You snort. Dave just half-admitted to you that he watches Glee. “Does that make me the football player guy?” Dave nods seriously.

“Of course, I can be your bitchy cheerleader girlfriend.  Until you take away my purity and pop a bun in this oven. Course you won’t want to keep the baby, and then I’ll start cheating on you with Karkat and he can be my baby daddy. Then you can play me a heartfelt piano ballad and I’ll come running back into your arms again, together five-ever- until you meet a crazy Jewish girl or something.” You shake your head.

“Just play something.” You laugh, waiting for him to start. He does right away and it sounds a lot better than anything you could do. Of course he would be good at playing music. You bet he even sits on railway tracks, dramatically playing an indie song that no one has ever heard of with a beanie and a unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Or maybe you’re a little jealous. Either way you start to feel the slow beginning of his song and join in, playing gently a long, humming just a little. Dave is humming eventually too and you have to admit it actually sounds really good. You can’t see him, but for some reason you just know that you won’t even be able to see Dave doing anything else but playing music in his life. Eventually Dave starts to sing quietly, just a little bit. You strain to listen but the music is a lot louder. His voice sounds nice, you think. A lot nicer than yours from what you can hear. The two of you just sit there and play for a lot longer than you realized, because Jane comes knocking at your door some time later, the tray of cookies in her hands.

You and Dave both stop playing and look up at her, realizing what you forgot.

“Shit. Sorry Jane, thanks.” You say, getting up and grabbing the tray from her. She smiles and ruffles your hair. You grimace.

“It’s alright John. I know you two were having a good time up here all by yourselves! The timer went off twice before I got up to get it. Luckily, you timed it wrong and they still turned out alright! By the way Dave you sounded really good.” She says, looking between the two of you. Dave put on his regular Strider smirk and slings his guitar over his back.

“Thank you kindly for the cookies miss,” He drawls, laying on his accent thick. “Though, I really would mind a taste of your cook-“

“Don’t you have places to be Mr. Strider? Like your house?” Jane cuts him off, her face a little red but she looks amused none the less. You fume. “Take these with you, I’m sure they’ll tide you over.” Dave clucks his tongue and takes his leave, waving off to the both of you. Suddenly, you remember why he pisses you off in the first place. You’re pretty sure he does that just to rile you up anyways.  Jane looks at you and sighs. “Those Strider boys will be the death of me I swear.” She laughs, moving to sit on your bed. “Was it as awful as you thought it would be John? Did the sky fall because you spent your day with Dave Strider?”

“Nah, he’s actually just a giant nerd I think. He keeps doing this thing where he gets all fake and I hate it! He probably wouldn’t be half bad if he stopped trying to impress people all the time.” You grumble, hitting a few keys on your piano. You sort of wish you got to finish the song you two were hashing out before he left though.

“ I’m sure if you take the time to get to know him he’ll get better. Dirk is a riot sometimes, though he seems pretty quiet if you don’t know him.” She says, blushing slightly. Great. Just what you need. Jane to be all over the Striders for another boost to their confidence.

“What did Dave draw on your arm anyways?” You ask her, changing the subject. She seems to remember that he did that in the first place and yanks up her sleeve.

“I have no idea, I haven’t looked yet.” You both look down at her arm and you pretty much expect one of his shitty comics saying something that hardly makes sense. But it’s not, it’s actually a really good drawing for being on an arm. It’s nothing but just a little drawing of Jane mixing something in a bowl, with the caption “Prettiest Girl In The Business” surrounded in little cupcakes. Jane’s blush returns full force and she smiles softly. “That’s so nice! I’ll have to thank him later.” Jane gets up and leaves the room, looking a little flustered.

You flop on your bed and decide that Dave Strider is still a mystery you’ve yet to solve. 


	7. THE TABLES TURN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave realizes that a Halloween party is a lot more complicated than he originally thought. Mentions of blood and gore in this chapter ps, but its pretty minor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit so I know its been forever since I last updated but everything I was writing was just turning out like shit so I needed to take a break until I could crank out something I actually liked. But yeah sorry this too so long, this fic is for sure still happening though so no worries. :)

**== > HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART**

 Your name is Dave Strider and you are having a hard time believing what your phone is telling you. You clutch it in your hands and glare down at the screen like it has personally offended you, which it might as well have because there is no way that the text you just got is for you. It seems like it’s telling you that John actually invited you to his party this Friday, but you know for a fact that can’t be right because John Egbert doesn’t want to be your friend. Hell, the guy seems to hardly be able to _tolerate_ you.  Despite all this logical reasoning shit you know to be true, the little blue text is still staring at you from the screen, claiming the exact opposite.

You think it’s probably because of last Saturday.  It shouldn’t even be possible, but for some reason you getting a little (really fucking) sloshed actually helped for once. Your project is basically finished; all you have to do is edit the pictures and put them together with the recipes and you might as well call everyone in for dinner because it’s fucking done.  All you had to do was spend the day with the guy and you got a fuck-ton of free food out of it, and a good mark to boot.  Things are actually looking up for you for once in your sorry existence.

Well, sort of.

There may have also been the part where John got kinda cute. Shit, okay maybe not cute but just… more attractive than he was before. You really didn’t think that was ever going to be a thing that happened.  This is going to sound horrible and fucking corny, like you’re laying on the corn here. Corn syrup that’s been in the cupboard for a good ten years and it starts getting like chunky sugar at the bottom and your mom tries to use in it this kickass recipe that everyone loves and it’s all she has left and she can’t make shit with this corn syrup and it’s just a giant fucking disappointment to everyone involved. Yeah, anyways, the corn.

The thing is, you’ve seen him smile a bunch of times and never felt a thing, but for some reason when he smiled directly at you, your heart did a stupid thing where it just decided not to fucking work.  It’s not only incredibly inconvenient, but it makes everything suck just that much more. Liking John is not supposed to be something that happens here. First of all, the guy doesn’t like you. Every day in class he does his best to avoid looking at you at all.  At lunch in your conversations, he makes an effort to make stupid, sassy little side comments when he can. It’s not like he hates you or anything, you just know that he thinks you’re a giant dick-bag, probably because you are, but Saturday was different. John actually started to warm up to you. You guys even made some tasty jams, which is pretty sick you have to admit.  He actually laughed at something you said for once, instead of just rolling his eyes, which also for some strange reason is really endearing. Plus, he has a goddamn choice ass. Like, you could bounce a quarter off that thing all the way to the goddamn claw machine and all the prizes start falling out because his ass just deserves every single fucking prize that it can get.

  Wanting a slice of John’s pie was never part of the plan, yet you still find yourself desperately seeking for the perfect costume for his stupid party right after you get the message on Facebook. You’ve decided on Marty McFly, because first of all, Back to The Future is a piece of cinematic gold and you should pretty much take every opportunity to portray it in real life, and second of all, you already basically have everything you need for the costume. Okay, you know Marty McFly isn’t exactly dead, but the page basically insisted that by “dead” everyone had to look like they were just killed. The character didn’t actually have to die in their movies, which was damn good enough for you. The only thing you really needed was the hover-board. You’re actually just hoping that Dirk is feeling generous, but you doubt it.

You saunter downstairs to the garage, passing Bro on the way down. He’s just watching cartoons like he always is whenever you see him. You don’t really see Bro that often. He’s usually off somewhere on a DJ gig, but when you do, it’s just him and nothing but a nasty fucking pair of boxers and Scooby-Doo on the tube. You’ve gotten over it a while ago.

When you actually get to the garage Dirk, immediately pulls out his bitch face.

“Dave, get the fuck out the garage when I’m working. You know the rules! Do you want giant robots to crawl out of this goddamn desk and tear your shit up? Because they will not hesitate to take you to fucking prom, so get the fuck out and close the door behind you.” He growls from his station. It’s dark as fuck in here; the only light in the room is illuminated on the small surface of his desk. The guy is half vampire or something when he works, so when you flick on the actual lights, he sets down his tools angrily, turning to face you.

“Pull your panties out of the deep crevice of your ass and calm the fuck down, bro. You’re worse than Vantas sometimes. I need your help.” You admit, putting your hands up in surrender. Dirk sighs and rubs his eyes under his shades.

“Listen, Dave. I have a real fucking job unlike some people and I actually have to get this shit done.”  You look down at his desk and notice the pair or shades he’s been working on for quite a while now.

“That’s just your stupid AI shades. Besides, I just wanted to know if I could have your hover board,” Dirk looks at you for a minute.

“What for?”

“Reasons.” You answer, face blank.  Dirk continues to stare and you start to wonder if this is going to turn into one of your famous contests where you both just stand expressionless at each other until one of you crack. Luckily it doesn’t last too long, and his eyes flick over to the bright orange board in the corner.

“You know that’s just a prototype. It’s not even completely operational yet. Why would you even need it? If you wanna go boarding, just use the regular boards we made. Ain’t never been two nicer boards than those.” He says, pointing to the boards you made when Bro finally let Dirk buy his own materials a couple of years back. You both spent weeks making sure they were perfect.  You fucking loved your board, but that’s not the point.

“I’m dressing up and I need it to look cool.” You mumble, sitting down on his work bench. He raises a brow at you. “I’m gonna be dead Marty Mcfly for John’s stupid party thing.” Dirk flashes you a small smile and laughs.

“I thought that Egbert kid would rather circumcise himself the ol’ fashion way than give you the time of day.” He smirks, picking up his glasses and looking them over. You repress the overwhelming urge to punch him only because you know that he’s probably right.

“We did our foods thing and now I guess we’re cool? I don’t care, I’m just gonna go to his stupid party, maybe see if I can find TZ and take over the tunes if I have to.” You shrug, not making it sound like a big deal because it’s not that big of a deal, just a party. You’ve been to parties before, so many parties, all the goddamn parties! There are so many parties you’ve been to that you probably have to split off into alternate universes just to attend half of the parties you’ve been invited to.

“I guess, since it’s the first party you’ve ever really been too.” Goddamit Dirk. “Just leave it with me if you go off to do god knows what somewhere that it could get stolen or broken.”

“Why? I’m not going back home so I can just drop off the board if I’m gonna get ass. Would you?” He scoffs and grabs the board from behind his desk, handing it to you gently. You take her from his hands and caress her surface. She’s beautiful.

“I’m going to be there too, wiseass. The entire Egbert family invited me months ago, not to mention English and his sister. I suggest finding out whether or not John won, though, before getting in there. Rubbin’ in that they lost by saying the opposite won’t get you friends bro.” He explains, making sure to rub in the fact that everyone really wanted him there and he wasn’t just a last second pity-invite like you. You know the only real reason he is going though is for John’s bumbling idiot of a cousin.  Ever since he met him over the summer you can tell that Dirk is into Jake more than dogs are into bones, and it’s sure as hell Jake’s bone that he wants.  You actually don’t ever remember Dirk legitimately having a crush on someone until Jake. He hasn’t actually told you either, but it’s pretty obvious. Your brother is usually pretty level headed, even when Bro has the occasionally rage fit, but around Jake he stammers sometimes, tripping over his words, which never happens. Also you might have seen him blush once when Jake, like the big bumbling goof he is, threw his arms around Dirk shoulders and dragged him out the door, shouting something about adventure.  If you really cared that much you could just go ask Roxy to see what’s up, but you don’t, so you probably won’t even bother having her tell you what you pretty much know is true.  Dirk would never admit it though, not unless it was their wedding day and he was waiting at the end of the aisle for him.

“Noted. Ight, thanks bro.” You say, getting up to leave, but before you go you turn to your brother. “What are you being?” Dirk sort of flushes and shrugs.

“Ah, Jake thought it would be cool if we went as dead Na’vi. From Avatar?” He admits, rubbing his neck. You snort and close the door behind you. He must really like Jake.  You hear Bro shift on the couch and turn to you.

 

“What so funny, kid?” He asks, taking a sip of his soda soon after.  “Did Dirk tell you his costume?” He grins, running his hand through his hair. You flash him a smirk and nod, shifting the board under your arms.  “Kid’s got it worse than the time you both caught chicken pox at the same time, he’ll be scratching for months with that English kid.” He laughs. You can’t help but think it will be a lot worse than that, but mostly you’re just hoping that you don’t turn out like him.

**== > DO THE TIMEY-WIMEY THING**

Despite your bro’s sage advice, you didn’t go see the football game. Let’s be real, even if you did you wouldn’t have the slightest clue what was happening anyway, let alone if your team won. Not like your friends didn’t valiantly attempt to get you to come anyway. After the seventh time they begged you to join them though, you might have threatened a loss of life for Jade’s personal plush collection. Despite your lack of attendance to the game, you do your best to show up at the school after to pick up some other friends to go to the party thing.  The car ride with Rose is silent as usual, just the two of you waiting in the parking lot, listening to loud classical music like it was hard rock. It’s probably some passive aggressive way to make you grow as a person while simultaneously embarrassing you. Then again, it always is with Rose.  She turns to you with an odd expression on her face, something like “you look like you’re freaking out more than you should be about this but I’m not going to say anything until you talk to me about it” and you retaliate with the “there is nothing going on, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m indifferent about everything, the school, the sky, this goddamn truck, I don’t give a fuck” face.  Jade awkwardly knocks on the window between your staring contest and you break your gaze, unlocking the doors.  She is dressed up like what looks to be a dead bunny? You actually have no idea.

“What are you supposed to be?” You ask her, flicking one of her bunny ears. She sighs at you and rolls her eyes.

“I’m a dead Lola Bunny! From Space Jam? Duh.” She smiles, brushing down her blood-covered tank top.  In a weird way she still managed to make it adorable.

“Reppin’ the blonde hair thing.” Rose gives a quiet ‘hell yeah’ from the front seat and you smirk, running your hands through your own hair. Karkat frowns and looks at Jade, a small smile for once on his face.

“Way to make me the fucking minority Jade.” He scoffs. She grins and pulls off the wig, pinching his cheek.

“Don’t be a big baby, Karkat, I’ll always be black-haired at heart. Wait no- that’s, you know what I mean!” She laughs. You decided it’s best to leave it alone and turn to Karkat.

“So did we beat those other guys?” You ask him, not really even sure who the fuck you were supposed to be playing. Karkat shrugs and sinks lower into the back seat, careful not to get any of Jade’s make-up on his oversized sweater.

 “I dunno Strider, why don’t you take a whopping fucking guess?” He says, shoving his thumb at the window. Outside there are tons of meatheads high-fiving and bro-fisting everywhere the eye could see, you think you actually might pop a vein from the pure amount of testosterone in the air. Girls are excitedly talking to one another, going to the guys and congratulating them. You even spot John, supporting one of his teammates on his shoulders with another guy who looks familiar, but you can’t really put a finger on it.  

“Of course we won, silly!” Jade says, waving to John as he walks off cheering with his teammates. He smiles and waves back one last time before disappearing around the corner. “John is doing really well this year. He’s been practicing non-stop though.”

“Yes, we’re all so proud of John and his magnificent ability to throw a ball to a bunch of assholes on a field.” Karkat mumbles.

“Shut up, you’re just jealous! At least he’s doing something!” Jade frowns, smacking his arm before the both of them get into a heated argument once more, this time about the possibility of half the football players being genetically engineered to be giant pieces of dick.  Rose turns to you and smirks.

“I wonder what their offspring will be like.” She says thoughtfully, starting the car to go home.  You watch them argue in the mirror and sigh.

“I never want to find out.” You say, deciding that even though it sounded like a joke, you were as serious as a heart attack.

The ride home was relatively uneventful, though, as soon as Rose pulled onto your street you realized that John might be a lot more popular than you originally thought.  The pavement was lined with cars, at least 50, and you could see that there were a lot more parked in the lot for the park.  You briefly wonder why all the neighbors are so okay with this when you realize that all of them are probably aware of what happens every year and escaped long ago. That was probably the smart decision and you really have no idea what you’re doing going to this fucking party in the first place.

Suddenly a jeep zooms past you and screeches to a halt in front of John’s house. A mass of football players all stream out of the car and seriously how did they fit so many of those guys in there really? You search the mass of them and spot John, smiling and cheering with the rest of his teammates and oh yeah, that’s why you are going to this thing. John is going, and even though he’s cute, you’re going to ignore that and try to be his friend tonight because, for some strange reason, you’re really starting to think you want to be.  He goes inside and Rose pulls into your driveway, letting you all out of her truck and grabbing something from the back.

“I’m going to get ready here. I suppose I’ll see you all in there?” She asks, smoothing down the surface of the pile of clothes in her arms. You actually have no goddamn idea what she is going to be for this thing. Or, on that note, what Karkat is trying to be.

“Ight, see ya.” You wave, turning to the Egbert’s house. It was completely decorated for the occasion times four. The walkway is covered in scattered body parts and blood, and it even looked like someone had been dragged into the house. Jane really went all out, apparently, decorating the windows, car, and even the side of the house. The inside is even better, you decide, as you walk in with Jade and Karkat. Though, you could do without the mass of teenagers getting their freak on.  Karkat seems to feel the same, making a dive for the kitchen in hopes that it would be less busy than the living room. You look for Jade but she’s already gone somewhere else, so you follow him, shoving your way between a couple you don’t really recognize.  Luckily the kitchen is significantly less empty, just a couple people you don’t know grabbing a drink, Karkat, and a very flustered Jane.

“Hello, Nurse.” You purr, leaning over the counter. You sort of hope John would walk in, it’s a little satisfying to see him get so pissed about you hitting on his sister. She gives you an exhausted look and smiles, putting another lock on the fridge. “What are those for? People breaking into the fridge and stealing all those baked goodies I know you have packed in there?”

“Actually, yes. Teenagers will eat anything they can get their fingers on these days, my word. I don’t miss high school, Dave; not in the slightest. Though, I feel slightly responsible for any of them that are here later tonight when the food is gone.” You smile and grab a lock, fastening it on the cupboard.

“True.  They’ll be devastated, Jane. Those poor, malnourished teenagers, they’ve probably only eaten four steaks today, to deprive them is almost a crime.” Jane laughs a sort of laugh that kinda sounds like ‘hoo hoo’ and places her hand and on your arm affectionately.

“David, I have no idea why John is so adamant about you sometimes. I think you’re a delight when you’re over here.” You smirk and feel almost bad about what you’re going to say, almost.

“Well Miss Crocker, I’m a delight in lots of places- the bedroom, the shower, your bedroom, your shower-” Then she punches you and you even manage to get a laugh out of Karkat, which was rare these days.  But Jane is smiling too, so you know she isn’t really mad. It’s not really like you’re that serious about hitting on her anyways, she knows it too you’re pretty sure, though, you might have to make yourself clear just to be sure. Not now though. That would be dumb. Stupid and dumb.

“Strider, why do you insist on making a constant and complete ass of yourself? This is a party. Have some damn self-respect for god’s sake.” He asks you, grabbing a red cup from the counter and pouring himself a glass of water.

“Not drinking, Vantas? I always kinda figured you would just get like ragingly slizzard at parties and suddenly become like this beacon of hope for our future, start telling people you like them and saying nice things, and after everyone would be like ‘man this guy is super not fucking awful when he’s on the tap’ and then make you president or something. They would probably put your face like on a poster like that Obama one, but it would just say ‘not a complete jerk-off’.” You say, shoving your hands in the pockets of your sweet-ass Marty McFly vest.  Karkat glowers at you, and you can tell he is going to get rant-y so you just sort of abscond.

“Fuck you, Strider!” You hear him yell from the kitchen but you’re long gone before you can really hear anything more.  You and Karkat are surprisingly good friends for the amount you piss each other off. The thing is, you actually aren’t really kidding with the last thing you said, you actually think that Karkat is a decent guy, but a shit-ton of people don’t really see it because, well, he doesn’t exactly let people see it.  You guess he’s not really trying to impress too many people except his friends anyways so you don’t really care that much either. Actually thinking about this stuff kinda makes you feel weird, so you’re just gonna stop doing that and go find something else to do. Like hang out with TZ. Yeah, that sounds way better.

It turns out that Terezi wasn’t too hard to find, she was just hanging out near one of the speakers, enjoying the way the music smelled or something weird like that.

“Hey, Dave.” She smiles, looking possibly more mischievous than usual. You aren’t exactly sure what she’s from but it appears to be some sort of dead Judge thing going on.  You figure it’s probably better to just not ask.

“Sup?”

“Oh, not much. Just enjoying how incredibly delicious this party is.” She grins, flashing you her teeth. It’s sort of unsettling when she does that but you’ve managed to get over it fairly quickly.

 “Yeah, it’s ight. Wish the music was a bit better, but Bro brought the hammer down on me bringing my turntables here. Said they might get wrecked or something, which is probably right. Can’t risk ‘em.” She nods solemnly and pats down the floor beside her, inviting you to sit down.  “Nah man, you want me to go deaf? What about you, you’re already blind are you just gonna go for the full Helen Keller here?”

“Dave, that was offensive. I am offended. Helen Keller was an inspiration. The jury finds you guilty of being an ass.” She says, deciding to stand with you instead.  Despite how much Terezi threw you off sometimes, you actually do generally like her. If you weren’t totally hankering for the dick you might even think about getting down with her. Well, that is if Karkat wasn’t totally cryptic about what happened between them.  You decide you might as well ask her now.

“Guilty as charged. Speaking of guilty, why does Karkat never talk about the time you guys dated? What happened there, if you don’t mind me asking?” Terezi holds her grin and pats your shoulder.

“I would love to tell you Dave, but there is one part of the story I’m not allowed to talk about, legally. I do love the law Dave. But I will tell you this- we broke up because of a football game last year. Specifically, the one that Vriska nearly got expelled for.”  You raise your brow and wish that someone would fucking tell you what happened at this goddamn football game that fucked people up so badly.

“Can anyone actually tell me what the fuck happened at that goddamn football game?”  You asked, leaning against the wall and looking around as if someone would just pop out of thin air to tell you what everyone was so worked up about.

“John legally can’t tell you, but if you get on his good side I bet you can squeeze it out of him anyway, but don’t tell him I said that... or do, I don’t care.” Terezi says, half paying attention. You think she is eyeing up one of the weird tall football players, but you don’t really know how taking as she is fucking blind.  But the information was better than nothing.

“That was actually not fucking cryptic for once, thanks.” You said getting up off the wall and deciding to look for John after a quick trip to the John.  Well, at least that was the plan. Rose did end up showing up to the party with Jake in tow surprisingly, and he just demanded that you help him pick some music for a play list to go on after the current one finished.

“Please, Strider. You would really be doing me a ginormous favor.” He begged you, his big green eyes pulling off the puppy dog look better than they should have. You briefly realize that they are the exact same as Johns if they were green, and somehow this small fact gets you to agree and you find yourself in the small corner of the kitchen, flipping through whatever was remotely good on someone’s iPod.   Luckily, only about a fucking hour later you managed to escape English’s large-handed grasp and go to the bathroom, or at least, the 20 people line for the bathroom.  While you were waiting, there was still no goddamn sign of John. In fact, now that you think about it, you really haven’t seen John this entire party since you saw him disappear into his house earlier.  You briefly wonder if he is planning some giant prank for the entire party, which isn’t exactly unlike him. At least that was what you thought until you see a couple of the football players go down the empty hall way, saying something about him.

You decide that you can pee out a window later and follow the two of them, flash-stepping so you wouldn’t be seen. They were two big guys you didn’t really recognize aside from the fact that they’ve probably punched you in the face a few times. If anything though, they certainly weren’t the ones deciding who to beat up, that’s for sure. They ended up waiting outside of a door you didn’t recognize as one of the bedrooms and stopped, looking around for anyone who might be listening. Of course, you go unspotted.

“Eridan says that Caliborn is pretty pissed. John was supposed to get taken out today, at least enough to make him not want to join the team next year.” The one whispers to the other. Who the fuck is Caliborn? Also, why would anyone want to even take out John? Yeah, you get that he could be irritating to some people maybe sometimes, but mostly he was just a goof who wanted to be on the team and hang out with his friends.

“Well what are we supposed to do about it now? People are gonna wonder if the kid comes back bruised and battered.”

“Eridan says he’s taking care of it. Make it look like an accident if he has to. Look, the kids drinking right? It’s not unlikely that he’ll get into a fight, or fall down a couple of flights of stairs.” You froze; they were seriously going to hurt John, which might explain why you haven’t seen him all night.

“I think they’re down at the park anyways.  Doesn’t suspect a thing, poor fucking sucker.” That was all you needed, you pushed past the people on the stairs and frantically searched for Dirk, smacking into Jade on the way.

“Woah, Dave, calm down! Are you okay?” She asks you, looking concerned. She probably should be.

“Yeah, everything is goddamn sunshine and daisies up in here Jade. Have you seen Dirk anywhere?” You ask her, grabbing her shoulders.  Her eyes widen and she peels your hands off of her, looking a little angry.

“Look, I know you’re freaked out about something, but you don’t have to get all grabby with me mister. Listen, I saw him go out back with Jake about two minutes ago. It better be really important because I think he actually might be making a move.” She said, shoving her thumb towards the back door. Sadly, it was that important, and you couldn’t help John without backup. You nod and thank her before sprinting towards the back door, making sure it make a lot of noise so you give Dirk at least some warning time. You throw the door open and find him in mid conversation thankfully, he looks sort of nervous but you ignore it.

“Dave?” He asks you, looking a little pissed off until he sees your face.

“We have to go.” You say to him, and he goes blank and nods, grabbing his swords from behind him, passing you one. At least he was actually prepared with a costume that allowed him to do that. Though, it was kinda hard for him to look that badass painted blue, no matter how accurately done.

“Dirk, what’s going on?” Jake questions, looking thoroughly confused.  Dirk sighs and his eyebrows knit together with concern.

“Someone is hurt. Really hurt. Is it John?”  You press your lips together tightly and give him a curt nod, motioning for him to follow you.  Jake confusion turns to anger and he follows as well, the three of you pushing through the crowd of people  and out the front door, dodging the various body parts scattered on the lawn. You accidentally have the gruesome thought that some of those might be Johns, but that rational part of you tells you that the guys on the football team may be jerks, but they sure as hell aren’t murderers.

You lead your brother and Jake to the park, looking for any sign of John. At first it seems like the place is deserted until you hear a small cry of pain from behind a toolshed. You all run towards the noise, completely giving up any element of surprise you might have held.

The first thing you see is John, laying on the ground, his face and shirt bloodied and parts of him already bruising, not to mention his leg definitely looking like it was in an unnatural position.  You were too late.  You feel your hands tighten on the sword, and you look up at the pieces of shit that got to John first.  They were all staring at you, obviously amused.  There are at least three of them, so it was a fair fight, the middle one of smaller. If Eridan makes it out of this alive, you’ll be surprised and also obviously not trying hard enough.  You all go for them at once and you’re so angry that it’s not until you’re half way to hitting someone that you realize the smaller one was definitely not Eridan.

Shit. 


	8. THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John deals with his new found broken leg and goes on a hunt for answers from only the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so updating quicker now if I can. I hope you guys like it! Things will be happening sooooonn very soon.

 

**== > BE THE BROKEN ONE. **

 Your name is John Egbert and it’s been about a week since the rival football team beat the shit out of you. Your injuries look worse than they actually are; the only thing that really sucks is that they did manage to break your leg. Although, that one was kinda your fault when you tried to ninja kick a guy four times your size in the chest. The last thing you remember before you blacked out is Dave standing over you with some kinda sword. 

                You’ve probably tried asking him what happened after you blacked out about hundred times but he refuses to talk about it. It’s actually more irritating than he was before. Oh. That’s also a thing now, you and Dave being friends. Or, at least, on good terms anyway. It’s sort of hard not to be after the guy showed up to save you with a sword and backup like some sort of Knight in a shining yellow vest.  When you woke up, you were on the Striders’ kitchen table with the oldest of them staring down at you. Apparently you begged him not to take you to a hospital and not to tell your Dad and by some miracle of god, he complied. Well, part way. Luckily, Mr. Strider knows how to patch a fair variety of wounds so he took care of you fine, but he did end up telling your Dad when he got home the next day, so you DID end up going to the hospital for your leg. Jane, Jake and Jade took over the party and you were still getting thanked for it a week later when you finally showed back up at school. Everyone kept asking you what happened but honestly you can’t remember a thing. All you know is that you went out to go get some fresh air, tried to fight two big guys, and woke up hours later with no recollection of anything except for Dave.

Your Dad and the Striders are making you talk to the police, who suspect that someone drugged your drink, most likely the members of the rival football team, who you assume were justly punished by their school. There was one kid, though, who they aren’t sure was even there; all they know is that he is definitely not on the football team. No one can find him; he managed to escape before your friends could even figure out who it was. It’s quite the mystery, and you want to solve it. When you go up to Dave at his bake sale, he is still adamant about not telling you a goddamn thing.

“Come on Dave!” you whine, sneaking one of the cookies off the table and shoving it into your mouth. “Itsp Ibportant!”

“Swallow before you speak, Egbert, this isn’t a barn and I am not your faithful farmer. Go get milked somewhere else.”

You frown and grab another cookie in defiance. It’s not like anyone was really going to notice. The only other person at the stand was Terezi, and, well, she’s blind. Besides, the place was a ghost town. Lunch only let out ten minutes ago and there was already a weird barrier around the table of sweets like no one wanted to go near it or they would get infected with lame.

“Where is everyone, anyway? What is this thing even for?” you ask him, wiping the crumbs off your mouth.

Dave shrugs and grabs a cookie for himself as well. “It’s supposed to be for the Archaeology club. Why else would be have little bone cookies? We need to get more word out about it so people will join, otherwise the big man’s shutting us down.”

You didn’t even know that Dave was in the Archeology Club, or any club for that matter. “How many more do you need? Also I kinda thought the bone thing was for dogs or something.”

“Take that up with Aradia. Also, as much as we can get, know anyone?”

You think you actually do know a couple of people that might be willing to join if you can convince them. Rose was already in her own weird writing club thing with Kanaya, so not them. You’re willing to bet that Jade and Karkat would join with some convincing, maybe even that weird cat girl in your foods class who will basically use any excuse to hang out with Karkat. Not to mention you pretty much owe Dave your life now, so maybe this might constitute some sort of payback. You shrug anyway, deciding that if you are going to pull in a couple of favours, you’ll do the nice thing and make the Archeology Club think they did it all by themselves.

“Yeah, I dunno, maybe, but I doubt anything is gonna happen. If I had more info about a certain last Friday things might be different,” you say with a grin, knowing well enough that you’re just pissing him off now. He glares at you, at least, you think he’s glaring, it’s kinda hard to tell with the shades on his face. You sigh, knowing when you have lost a battle and decide it’s probably best to leave it alone and go about your business.

After saying bye to Dave, you head to lunch, which is the same as it usually is: Karkat is ranting, Rose is smiling to herself about something that it’s guaranteed no one knows about, and Jade is animatedly telling you about this new show she had seen a commercial for. The entire time though you can’t help but think about the guys who attacked you last week. They still haven’t found the last one, so that means there is someone who is definitely out to get you, and you have no idea why. When you finally get home at the end of the day, you talk to the only person you know can help.

You stare up at the door and take a breath, knocking three times. It slowly creeks open to reveal a dark room and a silhouetted figure flipping a coin behind a desk. “Jane? What are you doing?” you ask her, sitting on her bed.

She turns around her chair and smiles, her perfectly white teeth glinting in the shadows.

“You must have been truly desperate to come to me,” she says slowly. You sigh and lean over to turn on the light switch. Her clever Loki quotes will not deter you from getting the info you need, not today. She blinks in the light and frowns. “John, you always rain on my parade.”

“How did you even know I was gonna come here?” you ask her, taking one of the spare fake moustaches she offers you from her collection as she adjusts her own.

“You texted me telling me you wanted my help figuring this out. I had some time to make preparations.”

Oh yeah. You did do that. This entire day might have kinda been a giant blur to you.

“Oh. Right. Anyway, Dave is being a colossal douchebag and won’t tell me anything about what happened that night after I blacked out last week. None of the Striders will. I don’t even know why! Why do they need to be so cryptic and weird all the time, I just wanna know what the guys look like!”  you fume, flopping onto your back. “They kept saying junk about wanting to protect me or something so I didn’t go looking for a fight.”

“Perhaps it’s not the brightest of ideas to go searching for them.” Jane offers, stroking her moustache thoughtfully.

You frown. “I’m not going to! I just wanna know, maybe if I see him in public or something I can avoid him or call the police. Stupid fucking Striders won’t say a word.“

“Language, John,” Jane snips. You roll your eyes and sit up slightly, looking at your sister more clearly. “Have you considered asking Jake if he saw anything? Was he not there too? Maybe if you could find out what the guy looked like, we could figure out who it might be, or at least narrow down our options.” Was he there? You actually don’t remember. Maybe he was. You woke up on the Striders table so you assumed that they were the ones who saved you, but you never really thought to as Jake.

“Oh. I guess I kinda forgot he was there. Well… this was a complete was of time.” You shrug.

Jane grins and wiggles her eyes brows. “Not a _complete_ waste,” she says, throwing you one of your Dad’s pipes. You grin and the two of you may or may not have spent the next two hours solving fake crimes together. Neither of you really had much of a grasp on the whole maturity thing anyway. 

**== > SHAKE DOWN YOUR COUSIN FOR INFO **

Okay so you didn’t really have to shake down Jake for any sort of information. As much as you love the guy, he’s kind of a colossal pushover, and asking him anything is pretty easy. So, when you go to ask him about the mysterious kid that no one can find, he obliges almost immediately.

“I dunno, chap, Strider was quite adamant that I keep my trap zipped!” he says.

“But Jake, what if I have to protect myself against him, or avoid him, I have to know! I didn’t even get a good look at the guys when I got the shit kicked outta me! You guys aren’t always going to be around to protect me. I can protect myself, I just want to know!”

Jake lets out a low whistle and shoves his hands in his jeans. “Okay, fine, you’ve convinced me. Just don’t breathe a word to Strider or he will have my head above his fireplace!” It seriously is way easier than it should be.  “The fellow was a lot shorter than the other two, from what I remember he was wearing a spectacular mask in the shape of a green skull, quite like the ones I have round my room, with red cheeks painted on,” he said, leaning against the door frame.

So the guy wore a mask huh? That wasn’t too terrible, at least Jake was pretty specific on what it looked like.

“I guess that’s better than nothing, did he wear anything out of the ordinary?” you ask.

“Yes! Well, perhaps, I thought it was quite dashing; he did wear a strange green coat and red suspenders…” he trails off.

It’s good enough for you. You flop down on Jake’s couch and run your hands through your hair. “That’s good enough, I guess. I wish he didn’t abscond before you guys could beat the living crap outta him! I don’t even know why he wanted to beat me up in the first place, to be honest,” you sigh.

Jake shrugs and sits down on the other end of the couch. At least he’s being a lot more helpful then Dave. You’ll just have to watch out in case anyone around you in public looks like that, which sounds super fucking dumb because who actually dresses like that in real life?

Jake fidgets on the couch for a second and looks like he’s trying to ask you something.

“Hey Jake, why were you with the Striders in the first place?” you ask to break the silence.

He laughs nervously and stares down at his feet. “Oh, I was out with Dirk on the patio; we were talking when Dave ran out and informed us of your compromised safety. “ Oh, so it was Dave who found out first. You wonder how he even knew in the first place. Well maybe if he fucking TOLD YOU ANYTHING this wouldn’t be a problem. 

Jake gets up to go search through some movies, probably looking for one to watch until you have to get to work later tonight. “John?” he asks, still not looking at you. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Um, yeah, I guess so,” you reply.

“Do you think that dating a Strider would be a good idea?”

You choke on your own spit and cough loudly, then you turn look at your cousin incredulously. Was he joking? He had to be joking. Dating Dave would be the craziest, most hectic relationship you can imagine. Do they even have feelings? You think you would mostly be afraid of waking up one day for like your anniversary and getting a face full of puppet ass, or something equally as weird. Though, you supposed it would be kind of like an adventure, too. They are always so unpredictable and weird, and as much as you don’t want to admit it, they are all really good-looking.  

“I think Dirk might be sweet on me,” Jake adds.

Oh right. Dirk. Wait, Jake likes men?

“I didn’t know you were gay!” you blurt out.

Jake flushes a deep red. “I-I’m not! I never said I was opposed to gentlemen either, though,” he mumbles, still avoiding your eyes. “The other night, at your party, I just got the feeling that he was going to plant one on me and I’m just not really sure if courting a Strider would be the wisest of choices.”

“I don’t know! I guess if you like him, then go ahead; just because he might be sort of weird or douchey or wear stupid sunglasses doesn’t make him a completely terrible guy, I guess. If you can deal with that junk, then you should probably do it, if it makes you happy. That’s the most important thing, right?” Jake nods slowly, still looking unsure. “Look, do you like him back?”

“I suppose so, yes! I mean he is rather charming, and I wouldn’t have been opposed to a bit of smooching.” You retch slightly but continue listening. “I thought you hated the Striders, John?”

You sigh, sinking further into the couch. “I don’t _hate_ them. I mean, they did save my life. Also, Dave isn’t as bad as I originally might have thought. He’s really just a giant nerdy loser, and kinda my friend now.”

Jake smiles at you, finally looking you in the eye. “I’m glad you changed your mind, they really are a rip-snorting good time when given the chance.”

You have to agree that they do have their moments, that’s for sure. To be honest, you know that you never really gave Dave much of a fair chance before, and you really do think you’re starting to like him. Once he stops trying to impress everyone he’s not that bad, even if he is a giant dweeb. Jake seems to understand how you’re feeling as well, because he drops the subject right after. Eventually you both decide to watch Wolverine and settle into the couch until you have to go to work.

**== > SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE MAN**

Nah, you don’t really need to do that. Work isn’t that bad and your boss actually isn’t completely terrible; sure, he is a little wordy at times, and sometimes even kinda skeevy towards some of the customers, but he gives you pretty reasonable hours. Your job sure is boring though. The thing about working at a corner store on the edge of a suburb is that you only get about four customers an hour, and at least one of those customers is another kid trying to use a fake id to buy some cigarettes to rebel against their moms or something. Other than that nothing ever really happens. Near the very end of your shift, you find yourself stocking some of the candy shelves when the bell on the door rings, signalling that you have a customer. You go to move back to the counter when you trip a bit and bump into someone behind you, which might have given you a small heart attack.

“Hey Egbert,” Dave says, smirking as you try to restart your most important organ. His stupid douchey glasses glint in the artificial light of the store and he looks so fucking smug. You wonder how he managed to get to you quickly, let alone knew you were in here.

“Fucking Christ Dave!” you yell, smacking his arm. He snorts and starts picking through some of the candy that you _just_ put on the shelf.

“I didn’t know you worked here. Think of all the golden revenge opportunity for pranking I could have raked in for the summer,“ he says, picking up a gummy worm and shoving it in his mouth.

You sigh and don’t bother telling him that he has to pay for candy or you can get fired, because honestly, your boss is nowhere in sight and you’re allowed to do the same thing. “What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you were too busy sitting on your high horse, not telling me important info, and being a jerk,” you huff, shoving more candy onto the shelf.

“Man, you think that we go to grocery stores? Striders literally survive off of instant noodles, Oreo cookies, and the sultry call of a freshly toasted pop-tart,” he says with nothing less than a completely straight face. “I’m just here to get the food for the week, it’s a lot closer than Walmart.”

You roll your eyes and go back to stocking the shelves. Of course they didn’t cook any real food. You are sort of curious as to how the hell they are as fit as they are with the diet of a 10 year old with no parents. They must take vitamins or something. 

You peer between the shelves and look over at Dave, who is busy deciding between chicken and beef favoured ramen. You guess he really wasn’t kidding. You watch him for a second, noticing briefly that he’s still a little bruised from getting in that fight for you last week. Though your bruises are starting to yellow and fade, his look completely fresh; he even is sporting a wicked black eye that’s starting to swell behind his shades, which he never goddamn takes off so you don’t even know how bad it really is. Since he is a lot paler than you, maybe he just heals a lot slower though. That makes sense.

“Take a picture, Egbert, it will last longer,” he mutters, smirking again. You snap out of your stare and go back to the shelves, a little embarrassed that you got caught. You weren’t trying to be weird or anything! Just a concerned friend. Which is totally allowed obviously.

Eventually, Dave finishes up with his shopping and drops all the stuff in his arms on the counter. You start checking him out and he pulls out a Pokémon Velcro wallet, handing you a twenty. “So on average how much smut do you sell to creepy old guys in a day?” he asks you as you bag his food.

You crack a smile and shrug. “I dunno, at least 12 old guys come in here a day with their monthly favourites, I guess. I get more acne-covered mouth breathing guys than anything else, though. You think they would just go on PornHub or something like everyone else.”

“Shit, Egbert, what are you, thirteen? Don’t tell me you don’t at least get a little more creative with your adult content than PornHub,” he exclaims, looking pretty damn disappointed in you. Of course he would be a hipster about what he beats his meat to.

“Well, not all of us care about making sure we watch obscure black and white 70’s psychedelic adult material, Dave. Why are we even having this conversation?” you add loudly, trying to force the blush on your face to disappear because this was stupid. Dave is stupid. “Listen, I get off in 5 minutes if you want to wait for me.”

“Not an appropriate choice of words considering our previous conversation, Egbert, but yeah I got nothing but time,” Dave agrees. “I’ll wait outside so you’re boss doesn’t get you in shit or something.” He grabs his stuff and strides out of your store. You completely fail at the not blushing thing and just wait for the heat on your face to go away. Luckily, its gone by the time your co-worker walks in to take over for you, and you grab your junk from the back and hurry out the door to meet Dave. He’s just leaning against the wall, wrapped up in a scarf and coat like he’s never been outside before in November.

“Cold, Dave?” you ask him, nudging him in the arm as you both start walking.

A little puff of air huffs from his mouth and he frowns slightly. “Low blow, Egbert, you need to remember that I am from the South. Do you know how cold it is in the South, bro? About as cold as Satan’s fiery asshole in the middle of a July cookout. Usually. It’s never been below freezing before so let my virgin Texas body get used to this fucking unholy weather,“ Dave finishes in a mumble, shoving his hands in his pockets.

It’s not really even that cold outside; you’ve definitely had a lot worse before than this. You hand him the pair of gloves in your pocket and he looks pretty grateful. It’s not like you really need them anyway, you’re pretty used to weather like this.  Dave thanks you quietly and you both walk without speaking for a while until you notice something weird.

“Are you rapping to yourself?” you ask him, snapping him out of his own world.

Dave looks up and doesn’t break face at all. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do! Just now when we were walking you were mumbling rhymes to yourself! Oh man, you’re such a huge nerd. Do you do that all the time? I bet you do! Dave, you Striders are always trying to be the cool guys but I bet it’s not just you who is secretly a giant dweeb all the time,” you accuse, poking him in the side. Dave grabs your face and presses his finger against your lips, shooshing you and pushing you to the side of the walk.

“Not so fucking loud bro! The people can’t know, and you’re sworn to secrecy now and forever; I’ll email you with the details of the general ritual you have to go through and the terms of the contract. ”  

“Nope, no contracts for me; last time I signed a contract it was because I simultaneously lost my girlfriend, almost my life, education and several other peoples’ entire futures. I’m just gonna keep it to myself.” You laugh, heading towards to the train tracks. It was a hell of a lot easier to go over them on your way home, so you always just ended up taking them, even if It was sort of slippery in the winter; they were never really super busy or dangerous, so your Dad doesn’t mind.

“Is that the thing that Vriska or anyone else basically isn’t allowed to talk about? Not gonna lie, John, I’m kind of feeling out of the loop here.“

You chew on your lip and avoid Dave’s face for a minute. You aren’t really sure if you should tell him; the thing is, you really aren’t allowed to tell anyone about it. No one who wasn’t involved, that is. It could end up being a really bad image for the school, and get the school board to essentially shut it down if the parents heard about what almost happened. The school agreed to let you stay if you didn’t breath a word; you had to sign an agreement and everything.  

“It’s kind of a traumatic experience, man,” you say, and then hesitate. Dave sighs a truly broken sigh and you decide that they guy has probably had enough of a hard time trying to figure out what the fuck happened that everyone is so worked up about. “Okay, I guess I can tell you… but it’s kind of a long story, so you’re gonna have to hold out for a while.“

Dave nods obediently and takes out his other earphone so he can listen to your entire story clearly. You take a deep breath and delve into the events of last year’s end of season homecoming game. Around that time, Vriska had finally started to warm up to you, and she even agreed to go out on a date with you. It was a pretty big deal for you at the time; you’d had a crush on her since the 9th grade so it was basically a dream come true. The both of you pretty much went through school for half the year doing whatever you wanted. Everyone was always kind of intimidated by Vriska, and you pulled the best pranks so you made a pretty great team.

Everything was really good for a while, until she found out that your homecoming game was against your rival school. So, she figured that with your supreme pranking skills and her smarts she could completely humiliate the rival school. Together, you figured that swapping out their mascot would be pretty hilarious. Originally, their mascot is some kind of black wolf, which is pretty badass, but you thought it would be pretty funny to replace their mascot with something completely lame like a little black kitten instead.  At least, that’s what you _thought_ was the plan. Vriska had something a little more vicious in mind.

On the day of the big game you both went to go hide in the bleachers to wait for the rival team to come out on the field and for them to release their mascot, which you had locked in the locker room earlier when he wasn’t looking. You personally thought that the idea was pretty great, but when it wasn’t a little kitten decked out in their school colours, but an angry dog instead, you were furious. You watched in horror as the dog ran around the field and chased the rival team, nipping at their heels and growling. Even though it scared you at first, it was fairly entertaining until the dog jumped over the stands and started to attack one of the kids. Then it was just awful, even Vriska stopped laughing.

You don’t really know what happened after that, but apparently things got a hell of a lot worse because you guess that somehow a fire started and someone got kind of burned. There was also something to do with one of the football players getting his foot infected from the bite and having to get it amputated, which cost the school a lot of money. Everything was pretty damn dramatic and Vriska was nearly expelled, so you broke up. It hit you pretty hard. Luckily, she wasn’t completely off her rocker, and decided to tell the school that you had nothing to do with it, so you really only got about a month of detentions and they let you go. Vriska wasn’t so lucky.

As you tell Dave all of this, he nods every once in a while to show he’s listening, and when you finish you both are standing at the end of your street.

“Wait,” he says, quirking an eyebrow. “So you have no idea why there was a fire or anything after that? How? I thought you were there?”

“Well at that point, Vriska had made a run for it and I was looking for her already. A lot of stuff happened; eventually I think they did figure out that the fire that started wasn’t directly her fault so she didn’t get in too much trouble for that one,” you say, shrugging and turning to look at him. “Is that a good enough explanation?” you ask.

“Yeah, it was okay, I guess. Now I kinda know what’s happening. Or happened. Wait, you’re still into this girl after all that crazy shit she pulled? Man, I don’t know if you’ve been around but Vriska isn’t exactly runner-up for the sane person award,” he says, pausing in front of your house. You decide to ignore that little comment and say goodbye to Dave instead.

What does he know about girls, anyway? 


	9. NO BUSINESS LIKE SNOW BUSINESS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is cold, John is still broken and there is a snowball fight anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so damn long, university is a bitch.

**== > BE THE GUY WHO IS SORT OF CHEESED**

                Your name is Dave Strider and you’re sort of cheesed, not to mention fucking confused. On your magic friendship-building walk home with John, you’ve managed to learn a few things, one of them being part of the reason why John and Vriska broke up and why she’s in your Archaeology club. Which, in your opinion, is hella fucked up, and Vriska might be even more off of her proverbial rocker than you thought she was. Also, John might be kind crazy for wanting to date her in the first place.

Not only that, but as you later found out from Dirk, Jake spilled the beans all over John’s point of view of the night he got the shit kicked out of him. Apparently he doesn’t know how to keep his ungodly, large mouth shut. Though you figured that he would probably find out at some point, you just wanted it to be a little later in case he tried to go out for revenge. You’re not even talking regular revenge, either, you’ve seen the guy’s pranking skills; you’re talking fucking filthy wife-beater show down under the freeway while he has Karkat plays early 90’s rap out of the back of his mom’s Camaro.

Despite all this new information you’ve managed to come across, John still hasn’t royally fucked up and it’s been about a couple weeks since then. There still hasn’t really been any news on the asshole that tried to throw the beat down on him in the first place either. The only thing that has happened is a gastronomic drop in temperature that your body is 100% not prepared to handle.  This was pretty obvious to not just you, but your brothers, as you all sit around the fireplace in your living room, shrouded in a pile of smuppets, blankets, and various sweaters that your bro bought from the thrift store earlier. You grabbed your third sweater from the pile, this one covered in kittens playing volleyball, and yanked it over your head, shivering violently.

“Pass me a controller,” you mumble to Bro, who in turn chucks one at you as you settle back down.

The three of you have decided to forgo any real activities today and instead play Super-Smash Bros on your old GameCube. Which is basically the only fucking awesome way to spend the day inside your Strider Cave. You really don’t want to think about what happens when it actually starts to snow, let alone if you’ll ever go outside again.

You scroll through your character options and decide on Mewtwo, because Mewtwo is fucking awesome; Dirk goes with Young Link and Bro with Princess Peach, as per usual. The three of you kick the virtual shit out of each other for a while before Dirk breaks the silence.

“Bro? What does Mom want us to do for Christmas this year?” he asks, skillfully shooting your character off-screen as if was he practicing some sort of crazy death ballet and you were his final act. You grumble and wait to come back to life. “Fuck if we go to goddamn Florida again the only year we might actually get snow.”

“Dunno, probably just gonna spend it at the house. She said something ‘bout throwing a big New Year’s shindig, too, so we probably aren’t going on vacation this year,” Bro retorted, not taking his eyes off the television.

“I don’t think I could’ve gotten time off work anyway.”

“Why, you gonna spend Christmas trying to trick English under the mistletoe? You sly dog,” you remark, managing to get him flustered enough for you to raise his damage ten-fold. He shoots you a dark look from behind his shades and you smirk, knowing that you got him.

“Listen, I know you wanna mack on the Egbert kid just as badly as I want to explore Jake’s jungle, so I wouldn’t be firing any shots lil’ bro.”

It was your turn to lose your focus. Yeah, Egbert is kinda really damn cute, but you can control yourself around him; it’s not like you’re in love with him or anything. So you do something that you almost immediately regret.

“Listen, I could kiss Egbert and not feel a thing,” you say. “I’m not pining for his dick, unlike your insatiable need for Jake’s English sausage.”  

“How about you two losers make a bet out of it?” Bro chimes in. “You both plant one on those buck-toothed dorks on New Year’s, and if either of you manage to go a month after without dating them, I’ll give you 20 bucks.” And with that, Bro wins the round. You both hold your poker faces and you slap your hand into your brother’s, Dirk grabbing his other hand.

“Deal,” you all say in unison.

This will be easy. Dirk will cave about three seconds in, you know he will. If he had any weakness, it would be Jake. If you’re being honest with yourself, too, Jake is just a lot more likely to want to date Dirk than John wanting to date you. You’re pretty sure that even though he’s not unintelligent enough to say it, John is basically as ‘no homo’ as it gets. Besides it’s just a stupid crush, nothing serious, not at all. You look at the ground, slightly feeling dejected, the air in the room suddenly thick and uncomfortable.

Due to the EXTREME TENSION that a Strider bet causes, you all pretty much decide to go to bed after that. The thing about a Strider bet is that it’s so much more than just a bet. The bet is a test of skill, intellectual, physical, and emotional. Whenever someone is bet something in your household, it’s pretty much the only thing that any of you talk about until it’s over. The worst one was when you and Dirk bet Bro he couldn’t go a whole week without using his left hand.  You’re still having war flashbacks about the time you both almost died when you had to strife while he was only using one hand with a sword.

You slowly brush your teeth and look in your bathroom mirror, rubbing your eye with your other hand. When you stop and stare at your face, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Without your shades, your eyes hurt, even in the dim light of the bathroom. Not only that, but they look tired, and there are dark bags under them. You haven’t been sleeping much lately; you keep having these dreams about a game and all your friends dying. It’s not exactly a walk in the fucking park, and even if they were, it would be a really shitty walk, full of joggers who run uncomfortably close behind you but still refuse to pass you and a lot of bees that buzz around you while you’re trying to eat ice cream. Basically, it would be just a ton of bullshit.

You sigh and decide that staring in the mirror is a little depressing without your shades on and stumble into your bedroom, tired and completely ready to sleep dreamlessly if you’re lucky. You flop into your bed and pull the cord on your lamp, falling into an uneasy sleep.

**== > BE RUDELY AWAKENED**

It’s not too terrible when you wake up; you’re actually almost a little relieved when you’re slowly pulled back into consciousness by a tapping on your window. Sadly, the dreams did not go away and you wake up in a cold sweat, pretending that you didn’t just die in a dream. You catch your breath and look out the window. To your surprise, it’s not morning and the sky is still completely dark, but something is different. It’s snowing.

Holy shit.

So the thing is, you’ve never actually seen in snow in your entire life. Ever. Most of the time your mom paid for you all to go away on some fancy vacation around Christmas time in Florida or something and you missed the ONE TIME it snowed in Texas.  Even when you visited Mom in Washington you almost always came up in the summer. So, snow isn’t exactly a thing you’ve been exposed to ever. You trip over a couple of scatted jars of various dead things and some boxers as you rush over to the window to get a better look. You’re having a hard time worrying about how completely lame you look right now because you are so goddamn excited. It’s like Christmas up in here. Well, almost.

Your breath fogs up the window as you look out, mouth hanging open like you’re trying to catch flies.  It’s a lot fluffier than you thought it would be up close, and doesn’t fall nearly as fast like you’ve seen in films and shit.

You soon snap out of your fascination when something hits your window, and then hits it again.  You frown and yank it open, sticking your head out. This time it almost hits your face but you manage to catch it in time. It looks like…a jujube? What the fuck? Out of all times the goddamn jujube fairy to visit you it would be now.

“Dave!” a voice yells, and it sounds irritatingly familiar. You look down and see John’s smiling face looking up at you, his dark hair littered with little snowflakes and big fluffy mittens on his hands.  He half-hazardously is balancing on his crutches and you can’t help but think he is probably gonna die.

“Egbert?” you ask him, voice still sleep-rough.  “When did you decide that throwing jujubes at my window like the goddamn Easter bunny at 2 in the morning was a good idea?”

He laughs and his teeth match the whiteness of the snow. The grey of the sky lets you seem him perfectly under your window. He’s in his pyjamas under his coat, first of all.

“I remembered you said you’ve never seen snow before, I woke up and I had to show you!” he says, whispering loudly. “Get your ass down here Dave, you have to see it up close! I didn’t put on my boots for nothing!”

You sigh and close your window; as annoyed as you pretended to be, you might have been a little happy that John came here, and even a little grateful he woke you up when he did.  You don’t bother to sneak down the stairs; it’s guaranteed most of your family is still awake, and if not, fuck them. A strife would be worth it later. You pull on your converse, because quite frankly you don’t own winter boots, and close the door behind you, stepping out into the snow.

There is so much of it.

Everything around you is covered in a blanket of white and cold and it’s basically super fucked up and nature is weird. John limps up to you, grinning and slipping a little on your walkway.

“Well?” he asks you, his breath coming out in a little cloud in front of him. You shrug.

“Shit’s pretty white,” you say quietly, trying to act like snow isn’t the coolest goddamn thing you’ve ever seen. John frowns and drags you off your front step.

“ You need to get a better look at it. Here,” he says, yanking your arm and forcing you to crouch down. He goes down with you and picks up a small pile of snow in his mittens. His smile turns sly and suddenly you don’t like where this is going. He throws the pile at your face. Snow is cold and wet and you decide that it might be possibly the worst thing ever. You take off your shades and rub them clean on your shirt, letting the snow slowly slide off your face, not saying a word.  Meanwhile John is killing himself laughing, giving up and lying down in the snow in near tears, his shoulders shaking.

“Fuck you,” you growl, grabbing a handful of snow and shoving it down his jacket with a smug look on your face. John’s smile doesn’t diminish as he frantically tries to get the snow out of his jacket, chanting something about it being as cold as a polar bear’s taint. At least, you’re going to pretend he said something that clever instead of a string of incoherent nonsense. Luckily he takes his prankster gambit going down in stride and comes up, ruffling the snow out of his hair.

“Dave, do you realize that you just shoved snow down someone’s shirt for the first time? Oh god I can’t believe I was here for this, I should have brought my camera,” he giggles. (Yes he fucking giggles, shit is kawaii as hell and you might have flushed just a little bit because holy shit John actually made the effort to come and get you at 2 AM so you could see this. It may have touched your stone cold heart.)

“We could have made a scrap book, Egbert, way to go,” you retort, shoving your now freezing hands into your pockets. At least you’re wearing about 5 sweaters underneath of your coat, so you don’t freeze to death. “Do you know how much Bro would kill for a scrapbook covered in little snowflakes and glittery snowmen with a righteous comic sans font covering all our adventures? I would never have been grounded again.”

“Dave, there would be way too much to scrapbook; besides, this stuff is better left as memories, trust me. Do you wanna build a snow man?” he asks you, rolling a snowball into his hands. You try not to think of the song from that new movie Frozen. The overwhelming urge to sing almost overtakes you, but you resist because singing in front of John would probably be sort of lame.

“Does it have to be a snow man?” you ask, kicking some snow into a small pile. “Not gonna lie, man, I sort of want to build a sick ass snow fort in some sort of strange representation of our eternal bro-ship to the stars. The gods would look down upon it and shake their heads in approval, maybe even throw up some deuces in respect.”

John snorts and hands you a pair of gloves he must have kept shoved in his pockets. “Yeah, I guess so, though you’ll probably want these, unless you want to lose your fingers and have nubs on the end of your knuckles for the rest of your life,” he saying, offering you the pair. A comment about leading your new life as ‘Nubs’ sits on the tip if your tongue but even you wager that it might be a little much and decide to get to work instead.

“So how do you actually do this?” you ask him, trying to copy the way his hands start to form some sort of a base you think. “Do we have to cut slices of ice out of this fucking frozen tundra of my front yard and do it igloo style?”

“Nah, not really, we can probably just pile up snow for now; why don’t you work on piling up the stuff around the base, and I can make snowballs for you to fill in the spaces in between?” He suggests, rolling his snowballs instead.

You nod and start to sort of push the snow together between your hands, trying to make your work look as good as his, which in no way even resembled the same thing at all despite how hard you tried. Soon he starts handing you snowballs he rolled about as big as your head, and you tried to put them together in a way so they would form a wall; in fact, it actually sort of works. You have a hard time deciding if you’ll be pissed about losing sleep to build a snow fort with John at 2 in the morning.

You don’t really think you’ll be all that mad.

Soon the fort really actually starts to come together, and you’d be a dirty liar if you didn’t say it was pretty much the best fort that ever got built. Ever. Luckily John put it against a snow bank from the late night snowploughs, and he digs out a hole once he finishes the snowballs.  The two of you crouch inside and you manage to ignore how incredibly wet and cold your clothes are. John pulls out a small, yellow flashlight from his keychain and turns it on, leaving in the middle of the both of you. The flashlight illuminates his face and outlines a shadow of him on the wall. He looks at you and flashes a small smile, and you both sit in comfortable silence for a while, just watching the snow fall outside.

“So what do we do now that we’ve finished?” you ask quietly, not taking your eyes off the snow falling in front of the streetlights. John shrugs.

“I don’t really know, I guess the whole fun of snow forts is the building part,” he answers, then suddenly looks up at you. “Hey Dave?” he asks softly, suddenly looking less like a prankster and more like a boy you have a small crush on sitting with you in a snow fort.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad that we became friends. You don’t suck nearly as much as I thought you would,” he says, grinning, and you probably blush like a Japanese school girl because who the fuck does Egbert think he is, dragging you out of bed at 2 AM to build a snow fort only to sit in it and talk about fucking feelings? Fuck him. Just fuck. Him.

“Yeah, you aren’t completely lame either I guess,” you retort, deciding to pull one of the biggest ‘no homo’s in history and lightly punching his shoulder. He will never suspect a goddamn thing and you will win the fuck out of this bet. That’s the goal: to win the bet.

John sighs and crawls out of the fort, offering you a hand once he is out. Stronger than he looks apparently he pulls you up with ease with the support of his crutch and you both stand there for a second in the snow, the silence thick around the both of you. You wonder how he even managed to do that with his leg all fucked up, when he coughs awkwardly and you look up, starting to mumble again.

“It’s getting late, I should probably go back to bed-“ you start, words pouring out of your mouth.

“Yeah! No I should too I don’t want to worry Dad.” He continues for you. You nod and turn to go back inside, hesitant and just a little freezing. You pause before you turn to go inside.

“John?” you say quickly, not bothering to turn around. “Thanks.”

“Yeah… n-no problem,” he answers, sounding a little surprised. You head into the house and shuck off your coat, carefully hanging it on the hook. You’re in no rush to go back upstairs, so instead you sit on the bottom step for a while, wondering how much you really want to win this bet.

**== > BE RUDELY AWAKENED (AGAIN)**

                After John woke you up late last night to see snow, you didn’t actually go to bed for a while, partly because you weren’t really looking forward to dreams that could scare the literal shit out of most full grown rational adults, and partly because you weren’t looking forward to waking up and finding out that it might have been a dream or something.

Luckily, you slept dreamlessly enough when you did finally go to bed, and even managed to sleep in a while. What you didn’t expect was Jade to come barrelling into your room, tearing open the curtains and jumping on your bed.

“Wake up sleepy head!” she shouts, shaking your shoulders. You groan and try to shield your eyes from the bright sunlight that’s leaking through your windows.

“Jade it’s like noon-thirty people are trying to sleep here,” you mumble at her, trying to swat her away. She sighs dramatically and flops over top of you, nudging your face with her nose. It would be cute if you weren’t so bent on never leaving your bed again because fuck that.

“Don’t be stupid, get up! Didn’t John tell you?” she asks you, her hair tickling your nose; you try to brush it away but she just shakes her head, irritating you further. You sigh and try to force your way up, giving in.

“Tell me what exactly?” you ask her. She smiles and rolls more onto your lap, giggling.

“Well every year the first time we actually get a real amount of snow we invite all of our friends over to the Harley house to have a GIANT SNOW BALL WAR! You can be on my team if you want, otherwise I’ll probably just kick your ass. Plus, I think Jake is waking up Dirk right now, so he will probably be with him,” she explains, giving you a knowing look. You sigh and roll her off of you.

“Yeah, I guess that sounds pretty sick. I know you could probably hit a flying squirrel or some shit with your laser pointer aim, like honing in on that shit, all beep beep, target acquired prepare to be royally fucked up Harley style. So, I’m not stupid enough to say no to being the best team ever,” you agree and she grins, not really polite enough to advert her eyes while you change. You pull on a shirt and you both make your way down the stairs, Dirk and Jake already waiting for you at the bottom.  Jake grins the same grin that runs in his family at you and slaps your back heartily.

“Good morning young Strider!” he says enthusiastically. “I’ve brought the jeep so John wouldn’t have to walk, poor chap probably won’t be able to participate in today’s activities. We better skedaddle though if we want to make it there before all the others arrive. Get your gear on, we have trails to blaze!” Everyone else is pretty used to his weird little way of talking by now, so you decide to hold back on mocking him.

“Are you coming too Bro?” you ask him, pulling on your converse, which are still wet from last night. You wrinkle your nose and decide that when you get home you’re going to have to find a heater or something to stick them on, or invest in ACTUAL WINTER CLOTHES. Luckily you still have the gloves John gave you last night though and pull them on while Bro shrugs.

“Yeah, I’m just going to go to check out that fine slice of ass that is the eldest of the Egbert’s. Hopefully Mom will be too drunk to notice if I try to mack on him. “ You retch slightly at Bro’s answer and decide that its better left alone.

“Gross,” Jade comments, her face scrunching up in disgust. Dirk nodded.

“So nasty,” He agrees as you all leave the house. You leave last and close the door behind you. Surprisingly, you find out, your fort was not a dream and still stands at the end of your front yard. You walk to Jake’s jeep, which luckily has a lot more room that it looks like because there’s no way that you could all fit inside otherwise.

John and Jane come outside of the house after a couple more minutes of waiting, probably taking a little longer than usual for John to get ready. Jane helps him hobble across the street and a wave of guilt comes over you. You didn’t even bother to try and walk him home last night. John smiles at you anyway when Jane helps him into the Jeep, fairly claiming shotgun.

“My Dad’s gonna meet us there in his own time, he said he had to wait for the cake he is baking to cool before he can go anywhere or something weird like that. Jade, who else is coming this year?” he asks her. Jade shrugs and leans forward, resting her arms against the back of John’s seat.

“Mmmm, I’m not sure!” she answers. “Karkat is always so grumpy about it but he usually comes, I might even ask him to be on mine and Dave’s team as a reward if he shows up! Kanaya is also supposed to come with Rose and the rest of the Lalondes, and I think Terezi might show up too.  We can make team decisions when we get there with everyone, it should be fine!” She flicks the back of his hair, which is obnoxious sticking up everywhere.

“Having the Striders this year should really even everything up!” Jane piped up from the back. Dirk agreed with her and they brofisted.

“Yeah, it will be a completely fair fight, since they’ve had so many snowball fights before,” John says sarcastically. Jake scoffed.

“John! Have a little more faith in your chums; don’t be bitter because you can’t join in the fun today,” he commented, turning onto his street. John whips out an impressive pout and starts wiggling out of his seatbelt as Jake pulls into the drive way. “Don’t look so glum John, you can help make ammo.”

“It’s not the same,” John sighs, waiting for everyone else to get of the car so he can make his way up the walkway. You follow behind him along with Jane to make sure he doesn’t actually kill himself in the process of trying to get up the stairs to the house. Jade’s grandparents greet you all at the door, smiling and welcoming you in.

“Would you like some cookies, young man?” Jade’s grandmother offers you. You shake your head politely and she just smiles and hands you a cookie anyways. “There’s a good boy; you be safe out there, Mr. Strider!” she says, shooing you in with the rest of your friends, offering everyone else some cookies as well.

“Thanks, Nanna Egbert,” you reply, letting Jade lead you all to the back of the house.

You’ve really only been here a couple of times since you became friends, but you really never took the time to appreciate how beautiful the entire place was. Why the hell did everyone in this town seem to come from money? Their house was on a bit more of a secluded road and backed out onto a small park, which you’re pretty sure served as a small nature reserve. It had big windows and probably about four floors in all, towering above any regular house you’ve ever seen. Jade and Jake luckily got to grow up here, exploring the park. Apparently, when they were really young, they lived on a tropical island, hence Jake’s weird accent that he shares with his Pop-pop. They’re actually all a little weird here, but you can’t complain much; your family fights each other with swords at least once a week, after all. Not to mention Bro’s weird puppet porn site.

You involuntary shudder thinking about that damn site again, and re-join the rest of your friends on the back porch.

“Okay!” Jade says, gathering everyone in a circle. “I guess we will have to make teams now; Dave and I are together, so the rest of you, find a partner!” Your friends instantly buzz about looking for someone to be their partner. You look over at John, who sits in the kitchen looking mournfully out the window. You feel pretty bad for the guy, but there’s no way he could run around in his condition. 

Eventually, everyone returns with their chosen partner; the teams are Dirk and Jake, Kanaya and Karkat, Terezi and Rose and Roxy and Jane. You briefly wonder why Kanaya and Rose didn’t team up, as they are after all dating.

“Trouble in paradise?” you ask Rose, pointing to where Kanaya is talking to Karkat. Rose smiles at you and shakes her head.

“Of course not; we decided it was good for us to try and socialize with our other peers every once and a while. Besides, I would love the opportunity to destroy both her and Karkat in a friendly battle,“ she says simply, turning to Terezi and allowing her to get a good whiff of her. You decide it’s just best to leave it and turn back to Jade.

“So what are the rules for this shindig anyways? Leave no man behind? Every man for himself? No takesies-backsies?” you ramble, sliding up next to her. She rolls her eyes.

“Yeah that’s right, I forgot about that,” she mumbles, waving everyone over. “Alright, guys, this should be a clean game, as usual! No ice chunks, no rocks, no headshots, that’s just not cool! If you get hit three times collectively you’re out! You can then make ammo for everyone else with John. That’s it! We will have one minute to run away and when Nanna makes the call the game is on! Starting….now!” she shouts, running off in the direction of the trees, along with everyone else.

You catch up with her easily, but not before looking back and seeing John hobble out of the kitchen with his Dad, who must have just arrived. You possibly feel worse than before; you’ve never really been in a snowball fight before but it sounds pretty fucking rad if someone asks you.

You snap your head back and follow Jade a little more closely. She turns her head and grins at you, pointing to a tree up above the both of you.

“We’re gonna climb it,” she says, her smile turning a little evil.

“Why the fuck would we do that? No offense, Jade but there isn’t exactly a lot of ammo up there,” you mention, probably looking a little more than confused.

“Dave, there is a ton of snow on the branches still, we can make snowballs from that; plus I know your balance is better than all the rest of us,” she argues. “If we can attack them from above, there is no way we can lose. Most of it shouldn’t be covered in ice, and even if it is, just be careful!” She grips the bark. “Give me a boost here!”  

You comply and push her up, ignoring her big butt in your face. You follow behind her quickly, not really needing her help, and then waiting. You both start on some snowballs for yourselves, waiting for the whistle to sound. As soon as it does you hear a shuffling in the distance and an instant battle cry.

“Jade,” you whisper, rolling the snow in your hand and storing it in a small hole in the branches. “I don’t mean to question your all-knowing judgement here, but won’t they notice our footsteps disappearing up the trees?”

She scoffs and adds to the pile you’ve started. “Please Dave, Karkat is far too competitive to notice stuff like that, Terezi is BLIND, she’s more here for tactical advantage, and there is no way she could smell us up in the trees,” she whispers back. “No doubt Jake is just blundering blindly in here, dragging Dirk around with him. The only team we really have to worry about is Roxy and Jane. Maybe Rose or Kanaya but they are probably just trying to keep control over Karkat and Terezi.”

Footsteps crunch in the snow, and Jade puts her finger to your lips. It’s Rose and Terezi, and Jade was freakishly accurate; Terezi is sniffing around, looking for people while Rose keeps her hand on her, making sure she can pull her out of the way in case of any incoming snowballs. Jade flashes you an evil smile and you smirk back, picking up one snowball while Jade holds two. She silently counts down from three and you both fling the snowballs at them, both of Jade’s hitting each of them and yours hitting Rose in the shoulder. She quickly wipes the snow off of her face and you both wave from the tree.

“Very clever. Ah well, better lick next time Terezi, er, luck,” she says, fumbling, while Terezi just attempts to eat some of the snow off of the ground and giggles, unperturbed by the loss.

You and Jade both exchange a brofist in victory. “Is anyone else out?” you ask Rose; she squints and tries to look through the trees. 

“It appears that Dirk and Jake are out as well, I think Jane and my sister took care of them. Good luck!” she says and waves, moving through the trees along with Terezi, who luckily didn’t say much because as much as you like Terezi, she’s kind of loud.

You and Jade both wait for what seems about another ten minutes before someone else comes along. By this time you are both perfectly stocked for any sort of ambush. Karkat and Kanaya stumble through the trees; Karkat looks vexed, if not more than usual.

“Are you sure they came through this way?” Kanaya asks him, looking around. Karkat sighs and leans against the tree. Oh man, this would be too easy; you look over at Jade, who signals you to wait it out for a couple more seconds until they’re both in a more secure spot.

“Yeah, I’m positive I heard something. Oh well. I guess we can just wait it here until some unlucky fuck comes along,” he says, making it more of a walk in the park than it already is; they are silent for a few seconds and you and Jade are both about to attack when Karkat moves again, facing Kanaya. You both pause. “Kanaya, can I tell you something? You have to promise not to tell a fucking soul though,” he asks her quietly, looking serious.

It always surprises you how softly Karkat talks to Kanaya as opposed to everyone else, and how much he trusts her. He always just seems calmer around her. Kanaya nods politely, focusing all her attention on him. Karkat takes a deep breath and looks around him for anyone. You and Jade both hold your own breaths.

“Do you remember how I used to sort of have a thing for Terezi? Not that it’s a big deal or anything, but…I just don’t think I like her anymore…“ Karkat mumbles, biting on his lower lip. You exchange a look with Jade can’t help but feel like you really need to get out of there now or you’re going to find out something you really shouldn’t know. “Don’t say a word, but I think I like Harley more than I let on. She’s just so fucking stubborn! All she ever does is this shitty back and forth banter with me and I can’t stop thinking about her and it’s getting fucking ridiculous. I feel like some kid flicking crayons at the back of her head in first grade to get her goddamn attention!” He growls, kicking up snow on the ground. Welp. You both definitely should not have heard that. “Sorry, I needed to get it off my chest,” he finishes softly again and you watch Jade’s face flush furiously. You can see her swallow as Kanaya pulls Karkat into a hug.

“Do you think she could return you feelings already without you knowing it?” Kanaya asks, stroking his hair affectionately. You watch Jade blush even harder and quirk an eyebrow at her. She gives you the middle finger.

How the hell are you going to get out of here without them noticing?

As if by some sort of magic sense of great timing, Bro bursts through the woods, John on his shoulders and his arms full of snowballs, Mom and Mr. Egbert following close behind.

“SURPRISE ATTACK!” he shouts, nailing three snowballs square on Karkat’s back, who turns around looking ready to attack him until he sees who is actually carrying John.  They all charge forwards and Bec, Jade’s dog, jumps on to him, licking his face vigorously while Karkat sort of just gives up, lying in the snow. In the midst of the confusion, both you and Jade jump down and get attacked as well, snow sliding down your backs. John is cackling like a mad man, chasing the both of you down through the woods. Bro is still whipping snowballs at your back when you both run out, Bec happily barking behind them. Mom turns to you and grins when you all finally get out, defeated.

“Don’t feel so bad we kicked your ass sweetie,” she says, hugging you tightly. You flush and try to pry her off of you when she shoves snow down your back, laughing like a mad woman. “Just don’t be such a bitch next time.”

“Goddamit, Mom,” you say, trying to shake the snow out of your coat while Jade giggles at you. You glare at her and grab some snow, shoving it down the front of her shirt and sprinting away as fast as humanly possible. Jade still manages to nail you in the back of the head with a snowball.

 Surprisingly, you guys are the last back, so technically, you would have won the game if you had hit Karkat and Kanaya sooner.  

Everyone starts to cheer as Bro walks out of the forest with John on his shoulders, his smile as bright as the goddamn sun in the middle of the desert.  You can’t help but not really be all that angry, because he looks so damn excited, cheering and blowing kisses to everyone. You catch yours and put it in your pocket ironically and he winks at you and copies Jake’s double pistols. It’s stupid and nerdy and, shit, you might not be the only one who likes someone a lot more than he lets on.

Bro helps him off of his shoulders and back onto the deck. You hand him his crutches and he give you a smug smile, leaning on the crutch for support. “Bet you didn’t see that one coming!” he says happily, brushing the snow out of his hair. You shrug.

“There’s a lot of shit I didn’t see coming these days,” you answer, watching as all your friends file back into the house. John presses his face against the window along with Jade and Terezi and they all make faces at you when you realize that you are the only one still awkwardly standing outside. You run back into the house, joining your friends in milk and cookies.  


	10. CHRISTMAS SHANANAGINS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man things are getting sassy and nsfw up in here. I know its April, but when I wrote the guidelines I wanted to have this chapter out by Christmas and we can see how well THAT worked out. But yeah.

==> BE THE BOY WHO IS CURRENLTY GETTING HIS CAST OFF

Your name is John Egbert and you’re currently at the doctor’s, waiting to get your cast off your leg. Though it’s only been about 6 weeks since you broke it, it’s luckily a pretty light injury and you’ve managed to convince the doctor to just let you wrap it instead. You should even be able to walk on it, which is pretty exciting; you just can’t play any sports, at least not until late spring. You guess those assholes who were trying to beat you up got what they wanted after all. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re not even sure if you want to rejoin the team next year. As much as you like playing, a lot of the guys are giant jerks and you don’t know if you can handle your Dad worrying about it all.

The only thing that’s making the whole situation better is that it’s Christmas in a few days. Christmas is only the second best holiday, in your opinion, which is to be regarded as SUPER ACCURATE because you say so. You love it, the music, the gifts, the decorations, the whole thing. Usually you spend the holidays either at your grandparents house with Jade and Jake or at your own house. Luckily this year it’s at your Grandparents, so you won’t have to suffer with your Dad and Jane’s constant Christmas baking smell wafting up into your bedroom all the time. As much as you love your family, their consistent need to be buried in piles of desserts is almost criminal. After you get back, Dave comes over; he seems to disagree.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Egbert?” he groans, shoving another Christmas themed brownie in his face. “It tastes like someone just made a baby with happiness and the Christmas spirit in my mouth. My taste buds are crying literal tears over here over this miracle.” You shake your head slowly and sigh.

You make a tsk sound. “Dave, Dave, Dave. When will you learn that the Batterwitch is the source of all evil? She’s tricking you with her siren call dude. Don’t listen,” you say, flipping through the books for winter reading that you have to finish. They weren’t too bad this year. ‘Oryx and Crake’ and ‘A Clockwork Orange’. You heard of the second book before, apparently it’s pretty violent. “You ever heard of ‘A Clockwork Orange?” you ask him, thumbing through the pages. It doesn’t look too bad. It’s fairly thin. Dave shrugs.

“Yeah, Bro lent it to me last year. It’s pretty rad. They have this idea of what is actually to be considered evil and what is just nature and shit. They main guy, Alex, is seriously fucked up though.  I think he is brainwashed into being a normal member of society and shit gets hella fucking deep bro. I’m talking balls deep in the metaphorical meat-muffin of life,” he rambles. “You try to fucking pull of out this shit and you end up blowing your load and lying awake at night for days thinking about what you’ve done…. I dunno. I guess it’s okay,” he ends, throwing and catching an eraser while he relaxes on your bed. You decide just to let the metaphor go and maybe not ever pick up the book ever.

“I don’t get why you don’t have to take English this year. Stupid Texas,” you huff, throwing your books beside him on the bed and flopping at the end of it, burying your face into the blankets. Your glasses start to fog and Dave snorts.

“I told you, instead of taking a spare, I took grade 12 English in second semester. I’m a free man,” he states, smirking at you. You give him the best glare you can muster and turn onto your back, staring at your popcorn celling, looking for the spot shaped like Oprah.

“What are you doing over the break then?” you ask him absent-mindedly.

“I guess we’re going on vacation after all. It’s only for a week but Mom wants to go get a tan before the icy death grip of winter affects her complexion or something like that. The weird part is she doesn’t even tan when she’s there. I think she just says it so we actually get out of the house and enjoy in the sick concept of family time,” he explains, still throwing the eraser. He catches it one last time and looks up at you, expecting you to tell him your plans as well.

“Dave, don’t be so ungrateful. You get to spend Christmas at a beach, with tons of girls in swimsuits running around,” you grumble, pushing your face back into the blankets. And maybe you can finally not be the exact colour of the snow that I’m going to be stuck here in!” You’re more or less just whining at him for the sake of whining though. You actually really like having Christmas when there is real snow on the ground. It wouldn’t feel like it without it.

“Don’t get too butt-hurt about it,” Dave says. “I know it sounds like a lot of hot babes everywhere, all jumping around with their tiny suits on, accidentally getting caught on each other so they sensually slip off and end up imitating that girl on the sunscreen bottle, but it’s not really like that at all. I guess there are girls like that but most of the view is obstructed by old men with leather skin and boobs down to their belly buttons. Picture your man tits getting sucked into a blow dryer on full heat in reverse for about 60 years.” He shudders.

“Ew, bro, gross.”

“So nasty,” he agrees, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

“When are you guys leaving? Are you at least going to be here for pre-Christmas dinner tomorrow?”  you ask him. Dave shakes his head and scrolls through his messages.

“Fuck no. Mom is insisting we leave get on the flight tonight. I probably shouldn’t even be here right now. Wait. Is Daddy Egbert making his famous sloppy joes?” he asks you, quirking a brow. “Shit, man, I could cancel a flight.” You laugh and shake your head.

“Nah, just meatloaf, I think. Probably dessert too. I can save some of the stuff from real Christmas dinner for when you come back. I mean, if Jake doesn’t inhale it all,” you suggest. Dave sighs because, let’s be real, Jake is totally going to inhale all of Christmas dinner.

“Shit. Whatever. Just break my heart into pieces John. It’s fine, no, really,” he whines, dramatically clutching his chest. You snort and move to shove him off your bed, but he manages to evade you just in time for you to fall off the bed yourself.  You get up and sock him in the shoulder, giggling like an idiot. He frowns at you and rubs the spot that is bound to bruise later.

“Fuck you, Egbert,” he laughs. “Is this how you treat all your guests? I want to file a complaint. Don’t make me tell Jane on you, I’m not above that. JAAAANNNNNNEEEE!!!!” he hollers, making his way for the door. You slam your hand over his mouth and glare.

“That was a bitch move, Dave. A bitch move,” you whisper with all the malice you can muster. Jane walks into your room and sighs, placing her hand on her forehead.

“John are you harassing, poor, sweet, innocent Dave again?” she asks you, pulling Dave into a hug. He wiggles his eyebrows at you and you briefly decided that Dave is an asshole.

“It was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I thought I actually saw my life flash before my eyes. Shit was like TiVo on fast forward,” he says solemnly. You smack the side of his head and he grins at you, letting go of Jane.

“I give up,” she says almost immediately, leaving as quickly as she came. Dave says something about hating to see her go but loving to watch her leave and you sigh deeply, letting it slide.

“Anyway bro I gotta split, Dirk just sent me an entire poem about how they are going to leave my ass home alone during the holidays. Peace.”

You nod and get up to receive the fist-bump he offers. You hesitate and throw your arms around his waist instead, squeezing a ridiculous sound out of him as you pick him up into a hug. Yes. Hugging was a lot better of an idea. His face is beet red when he let him go and he adjust his shades before they slip off of his nose.

“Shit, Egbert, warn a guy before you decide to crush his ribs. I’ll miss you too, but man I have to go.”

You laugh and nod, shoving him out of your bedroom door. “Bye Dave! Wear sunscreen!”

Dave nods and gives you a small little wave before he heads down the stairs. You have a brief moment of thinking that you might actually miss him when he goes. As much as you used to dislike him, he may or not be your best friend now. You see him at least 5 times a week. Now you have to go a whole week without a single word. You can’t even text him because of long distance. You suddenly feel like his nerdy, needy girlfriend and decide that you should probably just go watch a movie or something because Dave is going to be back in a week and you’re being dumb.

==> BE DAVE’S DUMB NEEDY GIRLFRIEND

It’s been two days since Dave left for Florida and you miss him way more than you initially thought you would. You are the neediest girlfriend, but it’s not your fault that you’re so BORED. Christmas vacation is usually the best time ever but with the Lalondes and the Striders gone you kinda just flop around the house, not really doing anything but complaining. At first you thought you would be okay – after all, you have a lot of friends that aren’t Dave! The thing is they are all busy with their own Christmas junk and you can only play Super Smash Bros by yourself so many times. Jane is far too busy baking to actually hangout with you and do something fun. You’re almost considering joining her, you’re so bored.  

You casually lean against the doorframe to the kitchen and try not to breathe too hard through your nose as you watch Jane pour ingredients and start expertly mixing them in a bowl. She briefly looks up at you and smiles.

“Have you finally decided to join your dear sister in her baking adventures John?” she asks you, brushing back her hair and efficiently getting more flour in it than there was before. You give her a weak smile and nod, walking to the sink to wash your hands. “Gosh, are you really that bored? Why don’t you just Skype him?” she asks. You wrinkle your nose and are slightly embarrassed that she knows how lonely you are without Dave.

“No way! Its fine, I’d rather bake with my dear sister. Besides, he’s probably doing family junk.  Like we should be!” you argue, ignoring the red in your cheeks. Jane’s smile turns sympathetic and she stops you before you can ever start helping her.  “Jannnne! Family bonding!” you whine.

“Well that’s fine and dandy, John, but you should have helped earlier. I’m just finishing up here! Besides, tonight’s Christmas dinner, you can help when we bake the rest of the stuff at Grandpa and Nanna’s,” she says, opening the oven and putting in what looks like another batch of brownies. Dave decided to take the entire original batch before he left; he really does have an addiction to your family’s cooking. You’re starting to wonder if he actually ever eats at home.

You sigh dramatically and flop on the counter. “But I don’t wanna bake then. Maybe Jade will have something less boring than baking. Her and Jake are always doing something fun. I bet anything we talk about is just gonna be her freaking out over Karkat, though, and I don’t want to listen to that. It’s weird.”

“I don’t know…” Jane shrugs. “I think it’s sort of cute.”

“Yeah, cute like an alligator and a baboon slapping each other in the face repeatedly,” you mumble. Jane laughs loudly and yanks off her oven mitts.

“Aw, no need to be protective. Karkat’s a good kid, you know that. Shucks, John, you’ve known him since first grade. You know just as well as I do he’ll treat her just as well as she deserves.”

You pout and turn to leave the kitchen. “Yeah, well, she has to date him first before that can happen!” You retort as you walk away, knowing fully well that Jane is probably right. You can’t HELP it though. Every time Jade or Jane gets a boyfriend, you go into protective mode. Jake’s the same way. Not that either of them really need protecting. If anything, it’s probably the opposite. Well, except for you. You are manly man who can take care of himself.

… …. …

Later that day when everyone all piles out of the car and into your grandparents’ house, you can’t help but feel the weight of your CRUSHING BORDEOM lifting off your chest.  You grab one of the various dishes of food from the trunk and say hello to your grandparents. Your Grandfather smiles widely and waves his Christmas rifle at the three of you. It’s like his regular rifle, but with a large festive bow on it.  Nanna makes him take it inside and takes the dish from you, kissing your cheek and giggling.

“Well aren’t you two just some of the best looking kids on the block! John, I bet you’re just throwing the girls off you! Jane, dear, you look beautiful as always,” she says, ruffling your hair with her free hand. You laugh politely and can’t find it in your heart to tell her that if a girl were interested in you, at this point, you would probably be paying her. You all shuffle inside and your Dad makes a beeline for the kitchen before Nanna slaps the back of his head. He frowns.

“Oh no you don’t!” she scolds him, sending him to the living room. “You socialize with your Father! It’s Christmas and I don’t want anyone in my kitchen!” Dad laughs good-naturedly and joins Jake and your grandfather in the living room.  You shrug and decide to follow, letting Jane find Jade.  You could use some good old testosterone in the air, especially with everything smelling like gingerbread and frosting lately.  

You walk in and plop on the couch beside Dad. Jake grins at you from the armchair across the room and you give him a quick smile back.

“So what sort of tomfoolery are you boys getting your noses in this break!?” your grandfather asks you and Jake with his booming voice. Jake instantly launches into his plans.

“Well, John and I are sure to partake in some cousinly bonding this holiday for sure!” he says excitedly, winking at you. You shake your head and grin at him. It’s bound to be exploring the forest behind the house or joining Jane in one of her famous murder mystery dinners. Movies for sure.  Either way, you and Jake always have something to do over the breaks. “Also I do believe the Lalondes are holding their annual New Year’s shindig! That’s sure to be a hoot as usual.  Dirk and Dave will be joining us this year, as well, so there are bound to be shenanigans.” You can’t really disagree with him there.

“Those Strider boys sure are a handful,” your father agrees, lighting his pipe.

“They seems like good lads though! Just the other day that Drake boy dropped off presents for all you youngsters!” your Grandfather mentions.

“It’s Dirk, Pops, and no one told me anything of the sort!” Jake exclaims, almost as if he is insulted that he missed Dirk. Just then Jade pops her head in the doorway, a huge frown gracing her face.

“Aww, Grandpa! You ruined the surprise! I was going to get them to open them all before dinner!” she whines, coming into the living room and dragging Jane behind her. 

“That was awfully nice of them! We didn’t give them anything but baking this year!” Jane says, distraught. Jade shooshes her and pulls her down beside her on a free spot on the couch.

“Don’t worry about it. They love that shit. They hardly get any real food as it is. Besides the Lalondes have stuff for us, too,” she says, pulling out brightly wrapped presents from underneath of her. Well, half of them were. The others were wrapped in what seemed like custom Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics. You didn’t really have to guess who those were from.

“Why don’t you all open your gifts and your grandfather and I will see if Nanna needs any help in the kitchen. You knows how she gets around the holidays,” your dad chuckles, helping your grandfather off of the couch. Jade nods and starts passing out the presents one by one. There are two for everyone, and yours are from Dave and Rose. Rose’s package is a lot larger than Dave’s by far. You shake each of them gently and only Dave’s produces some kind of sound. Jane looks as though she’s already figured out exactly what hers are.

“Okay, on the count of three, we open them?” Jake asks, looking around. Everyone nods and he counts.  The first one you rip open is obviously from Rose. The present itself is so neatly wrapped up with a decorative bow stuck perfectly on the top of the box. You tear it to pieces and pull out the contents.  

Of course it’s something knitted.  As you continue to pull out more you actually discover it’s a Christmas sweater. Its blue with little snowmen wearing clever disguises and you think it’s probably you’re favourite thing ever. It’s so completely Rose, and when you turn to Jade, she’s snuggling her own sweater close to her chest. It looks like Roxy did the same for Jane and Jake and you all pass around your sweaters, before you pull your own over your head. It’s a little itchy, but it’s perfect. You look over to your other present sitting innocently on the floor and as you tear open the package you pray to god that it’s not going to be one of Mr. Strider’s weird puppet things that look like they have dicks for noses.

Luckily, it’s not a dick puppet.  It’s…a teddy bear? You turn over the bear and groan, rolling your eyes so far back into your head it was getting a little paranormal for Christmas. The bear was in a red hoodie with a little gear symbol that he obviously painted on so it would look like one of the sweaters he wears all the time. It even has a set of shades and it looks like he got Rose to take out the stitching on its mouth so that it was pulling his famous poker face.  It was… completely expected. Jade turns to see your gift and gives and audible yelp of happiness.

“John, it’s soooo cute! You two are so married, though, seriously. I hope you realize this means you need to give him one that looks like you now, right?” she babbles, holding her own gift from Dave in her hands. She got a book of sweet ass songs to play on the bass. Wow, so she got the cool present. You didn’t bother to look at what your cousins got and shove the bear behind you, flushing as Jade fawns over the gift more. It’s not that you don’t appreciate it, it’s just so Dave. Now that you think about it, it’s sort of funny.

“We can go on Boxing Day, they’ll probably have a sale,” you tell her, poking here in the cheek. She grins.

“Yeah, we really need to buy them all presents before New Year’s,” she says, nodding seriously.

“Not all of us can afford to buy everyone presents on our part-time wages, Jade,” you scoff. “You work at a nature reserve, they pay better than corner stores.” Jade sticks her tongue out at you and your Nanna calls you all in for dinner. She doesn’t have to tell you twice and you all get up and run to the table, more than excited for Christmas dinner, which is probably the best meal of the year in your opinion.

==> DO SOME STUFF

As the day turns into night, you all laugh and tell stories around the table. Grandpop tells you about the time that the nearly trapped the world’s most dangerous butterfly against a tree with only one rifle, which you’ve all heard only about a million times. Dad tells some story about his street clown days and Jane tells you all about her mystery writers forum in her fancy college. There are miles of food for everyone and you think you eat so much that you’re literally part turkey. After a hearty chorus of Christmas songs all led enthusiastically by your Grandfather, you finish up and go your separate ways for the night. Eventually, you and find yourself in the movie room of the house.

The movie room is probably your favourite room in the entire house. Jake’s pretty much laid claim to it, and the walls are plastered with movies posters, old and new. There are two huge couches for lots of people to sit on and a big TV that comes out of the floor. Sometimes you get a little bummed out because it seems like everyone around you is rich enough to afford this stuff. Every Christmas that you stay here, the four of you go down the movie room and make a giant fort out of pillows, couch cushions and blankets. You spend the night hanging out and chatting until Christmas morning. When you were all really young you tried to stay awake for Santa, but you fell asleep every time. The one time you did manage to stay awake you all just got pies thrown at your face before you could see anything.

You later found out that apparently Santa didn’t do that to everyone.

Tonight is no different than your other Christmas Eves, as you all sit around in a circle under your homemade fort. You turned off the actually television a long time ago, and now are just playing your usual Truth or Dare game. The truth part of the game is kinda dumb you think, it’s not like you all don’t know everything about each other already, but Jade insists that it will be a good time none the less.  So you sit in the circle, your family’s faces lit up by a candle that Jane put in the middle of the three of you. It might be dangerous but you don’t really care, you’ve done it a hundred times easily. You’ve already been playing for hours. So far you’ve swallowed a number of things that should never be swallowed together, shoved snow down your pants, told everyone the three male celebrities you would have sex with and took a bite out of a deodorant stick.  Jake looks at you and wiggles his eyebrows, grinning like a fool.

“Right then. Shall I go?” he asks, licking his lips and looking around at all of you eagerly. You sigh and nod, still tasting the tenacious chalkiness of the deodorant. Jade nudges Jane into nodding with you. “Oke Doke, hmm, Jade! Truth or Dare?”

Jade grins and looks thoughtful for a moment before choosing Dare. She is usually one for dares; the worst part is, you all are. Jake nods and looks at you for some sort of hint as to what to dare her. He always does this thing where he panics when he has to actually choose what the person is asked or does, and he looks at you like you will just say something and know. Jane sighs, tired of waiting.

“I dare you to kiss the next person you see, who isn’t your family but still someone you know,” she says deviously, while Jake nods enthusiastically beside her.

“I guess so. Whoever I see, huh? I can manage that,” she says, her face not showing any sign of weakness. Jade is pretty damn good at dares, it’s the truths that she sucks at. “John,” she says, staring directly at you, a grin sliding up face. “Truth or Dare?”

You ponder the question for a second before deciding on your go-to. “Dare.”

“I dare you to crank call Miss Whittington as a sex hotline worker,” she demands. You smile too, your prankster’s gambit already rising. You motion at Jake to hand you your cell phone and type in the number so yours will show up as private, before punching in Miss Whittington’s number, which Jane luckily still has in her phone. The phone rings a few times before a very tired sounding Miss. Whittington answers.

“Yes, hello? Who is this?” she asks; you snicker before pulling a serious face, determined to be professional. The pranking skills of an Egbert are not to be questioned, after all.

“Hey big boy,” you breathe into the phone while everyone around you bursts into a fit of giggles. “What are you wearing?”

“My robe! Don’t tell me you are one of those perverts from the bingo club, I told you I don’t swing like I used to!” Miss Whittington says, sounding confused. You try not to gag but continue anyways, Jane whispering that you at least have to go for another thirty seconds. You clear your throat and try to sound as womanly as possible.

“Oh me too! I'm just lying around in my red, silky robe. I'm totally naked underneath. Don't you just love how silk makes a woman's nipples stick out?"

“I completely agree, the freedom is liberating, dear,” she says seriously.

“Oh I bet. Well, you keep thinking about me in that robe and I’ll take it off,” you whisper, voice cracking a little near the end.

“But then you’ll lose the silk! Dearie, you have to sort out your priorities,” she says sternly. You lose it and have to hang up the phone, joining everyone else and slowly falling onto the ground in a fit of laughter, tears streaming down your face. You vow, though, to never ask Miss Whittington about her bingo club. Once you finally figure out how to breathe again you turn to your sister and ask her truth or dare.

Jane decides to turn the tables and pick truth, with a look on her face that it’s a dare in itself to figure out something you all could possibly ask her that you already didn’t know. Then you remember that Jake exists and of course he is bound to ask her a question that everyone else already knows about. So he butts in and does just that.

“What are your feelings towards a certain Mr. Strider?” he asks her, and you wonder why he even feels the need to ask. She flushes a bright red and stumbles over her words immediately.

“W-Which one?” she asks, though the answer is obvious. Jade raises an eyebrow and Jane sighs. “Alright. I do admit that Dirk is… well he is very dashing. I- may or may not have feelings towards him that might represent something of a crush. Just a lil ol’ infatuation though! It’s nothing serious.” Suddenly you feel pretty damn bad for your sister. She has no idea that guy is into dick more than you’re into breathing.

“Uh, but I thought that Dirk was a homosexual. In fact, I’m pretty sure he wants to date Jake. Jake, I thought he wanted to date you?” you say. Everyone gets quiet and you just sit there awkwardly, not really getting what the big deal is. Jane looks at you for a second before her face breaks and a few tears drop down her cheeks.

You basically hate Truth or Dare.

The thing is, Jane never cries. Not unless she’s having some sort of breakdown, so you really fucked up, because this was probably the last straw for her about something. Jade punches you in the arm and Jake just looks flustered, randomly spitting out words of apologies, saying things that were blatant lies to make her feel better.

“Jane, I… ugh. Fuck,” you fumble. You don’t know how to handle crying at all. She laughs through her tears and looks angry at herself for crying.

“No, John it’s okay. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different. Jake is easy to fall in love with, look at him. I’m not surprised. I just want everyone to be happy,” she saying, smiling, but the tears running down her face disagree. Jade glares at you and pulls her into her arms, hugging her while Jane insists that she’s fine. Jake shoots you a look of equal innocence in all of this. He has no idea how to handle this either.

“Jane, oh my flipping gosh, I am so sorry. We don’t know if that’s true now though! Dirk is a mystery, like all the Striders… though, I have recently noticed he has been getting fresh with me, or at least attempting too,” he finishes quietly. Jade shoots daggers at Jake for saying anything at all and demands you both get out of the fort immediately for Jane was well in need for some lady talks.

Jake and you both trip out of the tent, leaving the movie room and looking at the clock. It is nearing 3 AM. It’s technically already Christmas. If you were both 7 again you would have demanded that he stay up with you, hiding in the living room waiting for Santa, but instead you’re 17 and you just accidentally made your sister cry.   

You both stand in front of the couch, caught in a moment of awkward nostalgia and guilt. Jake coughs and turns to you, rubbing his hands together nervously.

“John, are you sure that Dirk might be hot under the collar for me?” he mumbles, looking slightly embarrassed. You shrug.

“I dunno, I think so; Dave might have mentioned it once or twice. I don’t know anything about all this romance junk!” you say, throwing your hands up in the air. Jake gives you an understanding smile and pats your back a lot harder than necessary.

“No worries, chap, I’m sure we will have this whole flipping ordeal out of our way in no time,” he says, grinning at you like tomorrow isn’t a thing. Sometimes you wonder how Jake blindly stumbles through life with such optimism, never making a deal out of anything. You like to think you’re a pretty positive guy, but Jake, he blows you out of the water without even trying.

“I guess so. I hope Jane’s okay though,” you say, looking back at the fort. You do still feel really bad for upsetting her so much. You will probably have a feelings jam after Jade is done taking care of her. You sort of ruined her Christmas, though, so maybe it’s better just to leave her alone for a while where you can keep your big dumb mouth shut.

“I’m sure she will be peaches and cream by morning after Jade tends to her, its Christmas, you would have to be dead to feel blue!” He assures you, slapping your back one more time before heading up to his room. “Merry Christmas, John! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!”

You give him a small smile and wave him off, deciding that it’s getting pretty late and you should probably do the same.

At least in the morning it will be Christmas.

==> BE BORED AND A LITTLE MORE

You stare up at the celling of the guest bedroom and let out another small sigh. Ever since you can remember, you could never bring yourself to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. It’s getting sort of stupid, since you’re 17 and have no reason why you shouldn’t be able to sleep, but you just can’t. The clock ticks by another minute and you find your mind wandering where it always does when you can’t sleep.

More specifically, naked girls.

It’s been a while since you jerked off, nearly a week, which is sort of a long time for you. You’ve just been really busy and tired, so you haven’t had much of a chance. Thoughts of pretty girls flood your mind. You actually have a set of fantasies that you indulge yourself in every time you get off, but tonight is a special occasion, so you decide to think of something new.  Slowly you bring your hand under the blankets and grind your hand down on yourself through your underwear, allowing yourself to actually get hard.

Your fantasy starts off as it usually does: you’re alone somewhere, maybe school, yeah, school. You’re in the bathroom, just washing your hands, when all of the sudden the stall would burst open and there would be a girl, a pretty blonde girl (you decide) wearing an elf costume.

Okay so maybe just the elf costume is new. You shrug and rub yourself a little harder deciding you can roll with wherever your head takes you.

The girl in your head smiles at you from in the stall and her heels click against the floor as you watch her wrap her arms around your shoulders in the mirror. She leans over and whispers something in your ear, probably something like, “guess who’s going to cum early this Christmas,” and it is possibly the corniest thing you have ever thought of, but there isn’t exactly a lot of blood flow to your head right now so you can’t be blamed. In fact, most of your blood is somewhere completely different.

Your back arches into the bed and you take your dick out of your boxers, silently apologizing to the slime ghosts on them for what they are about to see. You stroke yourself slowly, flicking your wrist a little as the girl nibbles lower down your neck, grasping you through your imaginary jeans.  A breathy noise escapes you and you cover your mouth with your free hand, remembering that Jane is just next door.  Bluh, Jane. She the last thing you want to think about right now.

You scramble for your fantasy again, speeding things up a little to get the thoughts of your sister out of your head because gross. You watch in the mirror as the girl takes you out of your pants and kisses you down your stomach, slowly bringing her mouth closer to your dick, which is now almost throbbing in anticipation. Finally, she goes down on you. You can’t see her face so you brush her blonde hair back. The only thing you _can_ see is her take the entirety of your dick down her throat. Her mouth is warm and wet and nothing like the calloused surface of your hands.

You grab her hair and push yourself against her, thrusting into your hands in time with your fantasy. She makes a low moan, something that resonates through you like a wave and you shudder. Slowly, she would bring her hand down and shove it into her pants, touching herself as she takes as much of you as she can into her mouth. You squeeze your eyes shut and let your mouth hang open from under your hand, which quickly moves to grip your bed sheets. After a few minutes of you getting sucked off, she would pull herself off of you with a small pop and a string of spit would trail from your dick to her mouth. You close your eyes and pretend that she kisses you so you can taste yourself on her tongue.

Wait, no, that sounds gross.

You rub your thumb round the head of your dick and kiss her anyways, your glasses clinking together. Since when did she have glasses? You don’t really care, you like to think that the girl in your fantasy doesn’t mind if your glasses clink together. You would revel in her anyway, despite how much your glasses clinked, running your hands down her strong body. She is powerful, more than she would let on. You let a low groan rise up in your throat and lick your lips as your hand viciously pumps your dick, imagining what it would feel like to be pressed up against her. She would fit against you perfectly, smelling clean and fresh, nothing like the sweet cakes you’re so used to. You then decide to pick her up and put her on the counter, and-

A noise sounds from the hallway and you freeze, pulling the blanket up over you as quietly as you can just in case anyone comes in. A moment passes as you stare at the dresser in your room. You can make out the stuffed bear Dave got you and smirk. He was so ridiculous sometimes. You really would have to pay him back for the weird Christmas present. Another minute passes and you hear the shuffling of Bec. Just the dog.

You breathe a sigh of relief and grip yourself again, not realizing how completely horny you are until you touch your dick. You twitch and decide that you should probably finish the fantasy before you fucking explode.

Right. Where were you? Oh yeah, you were picking up the girl and putting her on the bathroom counter. At this point your kissing would get more intense and you would reach to run your fingers through her short hair as her breathing got harder and harder.  You then would reach your own hands into her jeans, which- wait wasn’t she wearing an elf costume before? Oh well. Jeans are cute too. They could be tight black jeans. Skinny jeans. You chew on your lip and pump yourself faster, getting closer to cumming than you want to be. You pull back in your fantasy, moving to look at her before you take off her clothes.

Except it’s not a girl. Dave Strider looks back at you and smirks. Your eyes fly open and a moan bubbles out of you and you cum, spilling onto your stomach and panting.

Well that happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I would just like everyone to remember that John is a virginal 17 year old boy who has only ever watched porn before so of course his fantasies are going to be HELLA CORNY. Luckily I'm done exams, so chapters will come SO MUCH FASTER NOW. <3


	11. THE SPELL ENDS AT MIDNIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is stupid and does the thing. John is drunk and sings 80's ballads.

==> LIE ON THE COUCH AND DREAD TONIGHT

You are. In fact, that’s pretty much what you’ve been doing all day since you came to your Mother’s house four hours ago. You all only got back yesterday, and it was a lot later than you all thought you’d be back because of the snow, so you haven’t even gotten to see any of your friends yet. More specifically, you haven’t talked to John in over a week. It possibly took every ounce of will you had not to call John while you were on vacation, or at least Skype him or something. You refuse to let yourself get to that level though. John is just your friend, your friend that happens to be possibly the most adorable, endearing person and the best thing that has ever happened to you, which is fucking dumb and stupid and exactly what you need to stop thinking.

You mother has walked past you several times looking concerned, and attempting to get you to at least talk to her about it, but you won’t budge.  She’s been trying for the entirety of your vacation, which consisted mainly of all the females in your family passively-aggressively trying to get you to open up. On beaches, in malls, late at night; they even tried getting you high once but you pretty much decided to pass on anything they offer. Luckily you haven’t been talking much to Dirk or Bro, its mostly just been aggressive staring showdowns at random times, which is pretty much all you can handle right now from them. The point is, you are lonely and dumb and not ready for tonight.

Rose walks by you and smiles, sitting down on the end of the couch. “Hello Brother,” she says with a  smile, looking smug about something already. You pull the pillow over your face and refuse to look at her.

“Hello Sister,” you respond, hoping that she will just walk away, but you know she won’t.

“Are you prepared for tonight’s events? I hear that everyone is going to party like its 1995,” she says politely, you can hear her sipping her tea loudly on purpose.

“I think I’ll just drown myself in alcohol and hope that I don’t remember anything,” you groan into your pillow. She pats you on the leg and hands you a bottle of vodka.

“Normally I would disagree with you, but tonight I’m feeling sort of destructive, so drink to your heart’s content Dave. Now, if you don’t mind, I believe Roxy is dragging me to her room to find something to wear,” she says, wedging the alcohol into your arms. You cuddle it close to you and pull out your phone, flipping through your messages. Karkat is texting you.

CG: STRIDER                                                                              

CG: NOT THAT I CARE BUT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR ASS BACK HOME YET?

CG: IM SO BORED I THINK MY EYEBALLS ARE TRYING TO CRAWL OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS LOOKING FOR A BETTER LIFE THAN DULL EXISTENCE. I CANT FUCKING THINK IM SO BORED.

TG: yeah man im home

TG: just come over or something

TG: idgaf

TG: im at my moms

CG: HAVE YOU HUNG OUT WITH ANYONE SINCE YOU’VE GOTTEN BACK

CG: JOHNS BEEN MOANING ABOUT YOU BEING GONE SINCE DAY ONE

CG: TELL ME YOU AT LEAST CALLED HIM SO I DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH HIS WHINY ASS FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN  SECOND

TG: nah

TG: ill see him tonight, its not a deal bro

TG: besides john knows im with him in spirit

TG: kinda like mushu from mulan but probably more badass

TG: id probably have crazy ass fire breathing powers

TG: burning villages down, having everyone screaming and shit, all like “ahhh hell no! we are literally frying bacon on the sidewalk here from all these sick fires your throwing man, you need to tone it the fuck down there smaug”

TG: and ill be like sorry guys just another day being a total fucking badass

TG: then maybe like teleport outta there throwing deuces to the wind

CG: DAVE

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP

CG: ILL SEE YOU IN 20

TG: cool

You close the Pesterchum app and check Facebook. Mom’s already posted pictures of your vacation. Most of them are just of you guys posing with some sort of landmark, mostly ironically or defiling them. Bro is making the same face in every picture, just continuously giving the camera a thumbs up. You frown; she got one of you smiling when you weren’t looking. It’s the one of you dumping a bucket of mud over Dirk’s head, which was still worth the righteous ass-kicking you got later.

You scroll through your feed more and notice that Jake has posted pictures of Christmas too, you’re actually tagged in a couple. You click through the pictures and find yourself smiling to yourself. John is just being a giant fucking nerd in most of them. Your favourite in particular is when he is battling Jade’s Squiddle with the stuffed Dave bear you got him. Everyone is wearing their sweaters that your sisters made them. You really wish you could have stayed home.

Not that you would ever tell anyone that. That would be stupid.

So dumb.

You flop over on your back and pull the blankets off of you, finding them far too warm to be comfortable right now. Karkat will be here soon. Maybe you should put on real people clothes. Probably. You groan and roll off the couch and you can practically feel Dirk roll his eyes as he walks by you, carrying a bunch of metal scraps.

“What are those for?” you ask him, rubbing your eyes under you shades. He doesn’t even bother looking back at you.

“Secret!” he yells, going into the garage. You decide that you could really care less what the fuck weirdo nerd thing Dirk is doing in the garage and go upstairs to find your clothes.

Karkat was seriously underestimating himself when he said he would just be 20 minutes because by the time you managed to get into your jeans he was impatiently ringing your doorbell. You hear Roxy answer it from down the stairs.

“Someone’s eager to party,” she says and Karkat audibly scoffs and ignores her, carefully taking off his shoes in the hallway when you see him.

“Aren’t your parents doing anything for New Year’s?” you ask him, quirking an eyebrow. Karkat frowns and hangs up his coat, pushing past you and walking to the couch.

“No, my Dad is at one of his weird meetings again. It skeeves me out that he hangs with that Makara guy so much, he’s just fucking creepy. Who the fuck is even that tall? What is the point?” he rants, flopping on the couch as you join him. You have absolutely no idea who the fuck he is even talking about, so you just let him rant on pointlessly like a Bible-thumping protester at an abortion clinic after Valentine’s Day.

Eventually, he does change topics.

“When is everyone supposed to be here?” he asks you, shifting in his seat. You shrug.

“I dunno, eventually I guess. Roxy is the one who set all this up, not me bro. Ask her.” You say, shoving your thumb towards your sister, who just walked in. Roxy is decked out completely for New Year’s, wearing the shortest, most bedazzled, pinkest goddamn dress you have ever seen. She even did her hair properly for the occasion and had martini already in hand.

“Hola Karkitty!” she grins, ignoring the fact that Karkat fumed at even the mention of that nickname.

“Hi,” he says shortly. You snicker. “What time are people coming to this shitfest anyway?”

Roxy’s painted lips stretch into a smile and she walks over to the couch, leaning across the top. “Oh, I dunno, maybe around eight people will show up. Has Davey told you about his wager with ol’ DiStri yet?” she inquires, not nearly drunk enough yet to slur but doing so anyway, probably to piss Karkat off. The need seems to run in the family.

“No. Don’t tell me you made some stupid ass bet that’s probably going to fuck up your life or someone else’s because you can’t say no to your brothers with your head stuck so far up your ass.” he yells, throwing his hands up in the air. You gave Roxy a stare before deciding that if you’re gonna tell someone about it, it’d probably be Karkat anyway.

“I’ve gotta get my mack on with John before the night ends, Dirk has to get it with Jake too, if he ends up dating Jake within the next month I win and vice versa,” you explain while Karkat gets the biggest smile on his face. You immediately regret telling him anything.

“You’re going to fuck this up so badly!” he laughs, almost as if he’s finally lost it. “Fuck you, Strider, I knew you were in yes-homo with Egbert,” he cackles. You frown and shove him so he falls onto his side; still laughing. Dickbutt.

“Fuck you, Vantas, I never said it was a good fucking idea. It’s a bet, I can’t fucking back down from that shit. Do you know what happens when you back down from a Strider bet? Shit is worse than the death sentence. Imagine a life of humiliation and torture, now add my siblings in the mix. ‘Sides you’ve pretty much had it guessed since the first fucking week of school, before I even knew it. Those rom-coms are like your personal heroine. You can sense the dokis before they even reach the fucking rotting cockles of my heart,“ you grumble as Karkat wipes a few tears from his eyes. You know that he really doesn’t care all that much though; to be honest, you’re surprised Karkat even thought about you and John long enough to guess that you might have a yes-homo crush on him.

“Strider, I could smell the stench of your gay drifting through my scent tubes the second you walked into that fucking class. You’re gonna fuck this up. It will be your fault. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he says, leaning back onto the couch. You know he’s right, not that you want to believe him but you know he is.

“Fuck you man, it’s not like you don’t have the biggest hard-on for Harley,” slips out as you get a little irritated with exactly how fucking right he is. Karkat flushes and avoids your eyes.

“Why the fuck would you think that? Harley is about as interesting to me as your love life,” he mumbles, still not looking in your eyes. Roxy makes a low whistle in the background as she starts to put up more decorations for the evening.

“I overheard you tell Kanaya in the forest a couple weeks ago, you can’t hide that shit from me man. I know all about your crush on jungle girl. Not that I blame you, you could fry eggs on every person’s face in that fucking family they’re so hot. Shit is unholy,” Karkat sunk into himself and ignored what you said. You smirk as Roxy stands beside you, cooing.

“Awww, Karkles! Don’t worry about it babe, I’m sure that Jade would be on you like butter on toast in a hot second. ‘Sides, Davey is correct about one thing, everyone is a cutie in that family,” she said, flopping on the back of the couch when Mom walks in with her duster.

“Shouldn’t you all be doing something productive with your lives?” she asks, smiling at the three of you. “Go write a book or something. What are you up to?” Roxy laughs and waves her hands.

“Just talking about what a slice of hottie pie the Egbert/Harley family is,” she answers, winking blatantly.  Mom nods and takes a sip of her drink with her other hand.

“Yeah, Daddy Egbert sure is suave, you think they’re cute too until you pull em’ into the sack, then they’re a whole different kind of hot,” she says casually while you metaphorically do a spit take.

“No. Fuck you. No,” you shout as Karkat struggles to form words beside you. Roxy just looks as if she’s having war flashbacks. “You did not sleep with my best friend’s Dad. Mom no. No.”

Mom just laughs and takes another sip of her drink. “Please Davey baby it happened once, maybe twice. It was nothing serious, Daddy Egbert just had a little too much wine and I was a little too single after your Dad passed. That man was packin something let me-“

“NOPE MOM GROSS. Please fucking stop,” you say, grabbing Karkat’s arm and dragging him upstairs while your sister and mother laughed. Karkat looked at you, trying not to laugh. “Not a fucking word, Vantas,” you warn. Karkat smirks and you punch him in the arm, chuckling as you head into your room.

Your Mom’s house is completely full. You thought John’s Halloween party was big, but it was nothing compared to New Years at your mother’s. Not only did it have somehow every single person who was at least someone from Roxy’s school but it also had hundreds of your mothers friends, dressed in fancy ass fucking clothes that you in no way could compare too. Not that you weren’t forced by your sisters to wear at least a button down shirt and tie. You refused to give up the black jeans though. So here you are, sitting at the top of the stairs watching piles of people you don’t know all laugh and drink and you have not a single fucking clue where John is.

“What are you doing Strider?” a familiar voice asks. You turn around to see the blonde hair of Vriska Serket.

“What are you doing here?” you ask her blatantly, forgetting that you aren’t always a fucking douche. She scoffs.

“Good to see you too asshole. Having fun lurking on the staircase?” she asks. You stare blankly at her for a moment and sigh. She actually looks pretty nice for the party, all decked out in a short black dress for New Year’s, her eyes covered in a blue glitter. John would probably think she’s pretty. Where the fucking hell is he anyway? Not like you’re keen to find him or anything.

“Are you kidding? You wouldn’t even understand the fucking experience that this fucking staircase is, Serket. Walk on the moon? Houston sign me up for NOT THAT, I’m chillin’ on this fucking rad-ass staircase instead,” you say, staying completely still. “So if you’re here, I’m guessing basically everyone I’ve ever met in my goddamn life is here then too,” you continue after she blatantly ignores your previous answer.

“Yeah, John said the place would be off the chain so he invited me and a few of my other friends. Pyrope is here somewhere too. Doing god knows what, but she’s here,” she says, taking a sip of beer. You stare down at the bottle of vodka Rose handed you earlier and take a swig. Your throat burns as you try not to make a face in front of Vriska. “Impressive,” she says, still casually drinking her beer.

“Wait, since when did you and John start talking again?” you ask. “I thought after all that shit went down last year you haven’t said a damn peep.”

She shrugs. “Oh, I dunno. About a week ago. I’m thinking about sharing my New Year’s smooch with someone and Johnny seems like the best candidate at this point. Why? Is somebody jealous?” she grins, her eyes lighting up. You roll your eyes and take another swig before answer.

“No. Why the fuck would I be jealous? I just don’t know why he wants to start talking to a crazy spider bitch like you again. You almost fucked up the rest of his life. You could have gotten the kid a criminal record or something,” you spit, starting to walk down the stairs and managing not to fall. Vriska gasps dramatically.

“I’m hurt, wounded even, Dave. It’s not like I’m planning anything. It’s just a kiss, not a death sentence, calm down,” she argues, following you anyway. You stop in the middle of the stairs and get really close to her face, glad that you are still sober enough to think of something that might explain why you’re stealing her New Year’s kiss later.

“I’ll kiss him myself before I fucking let you plant your cold lips on his face again.”

She laughs, throwing her hair back over her shoulder. “I bet you would fucking love that wouldn’t you Strider?”

“Oh, I will,” you say, stomping down the stairs, leaving her shocked behind you. Even though you might have just given away the bet, it’s worth it to think of what her smug fucking face will look like when you put the mack on John. Vriska laughs behind you instead and strolls past you.

“I guess we’ll have to see then, won’t we?” she says, smirking as she grabs the bottle of vodka out of your hand and takes a swig. “I’ll see you on the flipside, Strider.”

You roll your eyes and watch her walk through a crowd of people in the living room.  This is so fucking stupid. You should probably just back out of the entire damn thing and let Egbert live the rest of his days under the illusion that Vriska is the girl for him. But no, instead, every cell of your damn body is disagreeing and demands that you plant one right on John’s dorky fucking face instead.

You try not to let the fact that this is all going to go horribly and take a quick sip of the vodka in your hand, careful to wipe of whatever nasty that Vriska left on the opening. You at least can feel the alcohol now, clouding your vision and making it a little harder to care about what anyone, especially Vriska thinks if you kiss John. It’s just a fucking kiss after all, not a marriage proposal. Hell, if you were doing that, you would have at least gotten the kid some flowers, brought him to a high-up place and played a romantic song from 2005, just like the end of a good rom-com. Not that you watch those. You’re not Karkat, painfully lusting after fantasy situations that will never come true despite how many times you play “Closing Time.”

So you might be like him a little. “Closing Time” is a fucking awesome song.

“Dave why are you justh mumbling to yourselfth in the fucking corner like a pthsychopath?” Sollux asks you, sipping on his own strange coloured drink. You look up and pretend you have no fucking idea what he’s talking about. You completely forget not to talk to yourself in public sometimes, it’s totally normal, shut up.

“Is fucking everyone I know here? I didn’t even know my sister knew you!” you say, smirking at Sollux’s own decked-out garb. It’s obvious that someone made him dress up for this shindig. “What, did Aradia dress you or something? You look a little too nice to have pulled this off yourself, Captor.”

Sollux rolls his eyes. “Fuck you, Strider. For your information, I dresthed mythelf for the occasion. I can look nice,” he spits at you. Aradia laughs and walks up next to him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder. Of course they would both be here. You honestly don’t think you’ve ever seen Rose talk to either of them at school, or any of your other close friends. She must have just invited them because she knew that you’re all in the club together. She smiles and brushes off the shoulder of his shirt.

“Dave, he picked out what I’m wearing; trust me, its better this way,” she says, paying down the red fabric of her own dress. You shrug. You’re not one to judge a dude who dresses well. “Hey, did you know that John is looking for you? I guess he’s been looking all night. You two get in a fight or something? Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, looking concerned.

Fuck. You knew he would be looking for you. The thing is, you’re sort of having trouble facing him knowing that you might possibly fuck up any chance of best bro ship the two of you have in the future. As much as you know that the small crush you’re harbouring on John might sink the ship of best bros five-ever you’ve been eventually, you just didn’t want everything to crash and burn so soon. Not yet. So you’ve been avoiding him a little. Just a fucking smidge.

“Nah, we’re fine. I have my reasons. I think…he’s probably trying to prank me or something, so don’t tell him which way I went,” you lie through your teeth, hoping that the both of them are stupid enough to see through it. Sadly, they are your friends, and you don’t really hang out with stupid people. Aradia gives you a slow nod and Sollux deadpans. You know they don’t believe you.

“Okay, if you’re sure then we won’t breathe a word,” Aradia says carefully. She links her arm through Sollux’s and walking into the kitchen. You pretend you don’t see the pale of Sollux’s cheeks darken as he turns the corner. You take a small sip of your Vodka and start to feel it more; it’s becoming harder and harder for you keep your balance for a while, so you decide to risk the couch, hoping that no one (John)  will recognize you from far away in your fancy ass clothes. You peak your head around a couple of your Mom’s sciencey friends and find that the coast seems clear, for now. Too dangerous to flash-step, you do your damned best to maneuver your away around the crowd of people and snag a small corner of the couch, right between Bro and Roxy. Before you can realize your mistake they are onto you a hangover on a whore covered in last night’s party.

“How’s the bet going champ? Buttering up ol’ Egbuns with some of that sweet whisky I saw him sippin’ on early?” Bro scoffs, taking a sip of his own dignified beer. Roxy wiggles her brows at you.

“I hear he’s been looking for you all night,” she slurs, adding in a dramatic wink for effect. You groan. Out of all the possible places you could have chosen to sit, between your siblings is easily the worst drunken mistake you’ve made tonight. Not like you’re not going to make more though of course.

“I’m avoiding him,” you mumble, signing for them to hush. You didn’t want Roxy’s loud voice bringing in unwanted attention. “I don’t know if I can go through with this fucking shit,” you admit, avoiding your brother’s shades.

“Well, you fucking have to, compadre, or your ass is grass. You know the rules of a bet. You have a month anyway. All you have to do is not fucking put your stamp on the kid after the kiss. Hell, at this point, from what I’ve seen, the kid’s so drunk he won’t remember a goddamn thing. You’ll be golden.” he says, clamping a heavy, gloved hand on your shoulder. You do your best to refrain from wincing. “Speak of the goddamn devil,” he says as no one but John himself strolls up to the three of you, grinning like adorable piece of drunken shit that he is.

“Daaave!!” he says, plopping onto your lap. He looks up at you all blue-eyed and smelling like whisky. “Look who came back from the grave!”

Goddamn. You can’t help the small smile that graces your face when you look at the bastard. “Yeah, don’t get too close, being a zombie is contagious,” you slur, avoiding his eyes, staring anywhere else.

“Why didn’t you come over when you got home? What the hell is point of being neighbors if you don’t utilize my house? We made you cookies you piece of shit!” he pouts, burying his head in your lap. You flush and pull out the entire blushing, stuttering, awkward laughing schoolgirl act and try to gently move his head from somewhere not so close to your damn dick.

“I’m willing to bet my fucking future spawn that your sister made those cookies and you had nothing to do with them,” you smirk, ignoring the burning stares from your siblings as they watch the both of you with the biggest fucking grins on their faces. You send them a mental go fuck yourself and focus on the dorky laugh that John gives you.

“I supported her emotionally. I helped. So fuck you Dave, now you have to give me your unborn child. I know your name is Rumplestitskin you crumb!” John yells, poking your face. He was so drunk holy shit.

“Did you just call me a crumb? Why don’t you watch the fucking language, Egbert, and go home, you’re drunk,” you say, trying to pick him up off your lap. He stays like a goddamn rock.

“No way, I’m not that drunk, I’m just tired and I missed you Dave. It was so boooooorrrriiinnggg without you home. Everyone else was busy and I just sat in my room and played video games all day. You didn’t even Skype me. CHRISTMAS WAS SO COLD WITHOUT YOU!” he shouts dramatically, rolling around like you had broken his heart.

“What’s all the whining about, John? Strider wont suck your dick another day?” Vriska asks, showing up out of fucking nowhere and Jesus how the hell does she do that?

“Don’t be mean, Vriska, Dave’s my best bro. I haven’t seen him in probably a year or something,” John whines, clinging onto your leg. You raise an eyebrow at Vriska and she rolls her eyes.

“John, it’s been a week. I’m bored, lets ditch,” she says bluntly, pulling on his shirt a little.

“But we just got here!” he complained.

“Fuck you, John we got here hours ago, let’s just go.”

“The ball hasn’t even dropped yet!” he argues.

“Apparently, neither have yours. I have other shit to do, come on, you could come with me. We could go back to my place…” she says, running her finger along his arm. If you were to guess, you think she might have had a little too much to drink too.

“No, Vriska, I wanna hang out here, they’re playing my song soon!” he slurs, pushing her away. She throws the dirtiest look at you she can muster and storms away, mumbling something about not needing him anyway. John looks at you and frowns.

“I should have gone with her. She’s going to be so mad, I fucked up my chances.” He says quietly, looking back down at the ground. You sigh and ignore him, deciding that there is no way you are going to encourage him possibly going out with Vriska ever nope no. Roxy gives you a sympathetic look and takes Bro off the couch, giving you time to talk it over with him if you need to. Which was pretty fucking pointless because you swear there are like a hundred fucking people at this goddamn party.

You’re about to say something when the music picks up and John looks more excited than a puppy on Christmas.

“Holy shit Dave this is my SONG!” he exclaims, hurling himself off the couch and getting up, already in his dramatic dancing pose. You smirk and watch him go through several series of dances moves before he pulls you up with him, singing inches away from your face. “Well I! I JUST DIEEEEEDD IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT! IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING YOU SAAAAIIIIIDDDD!”

You crack up and let him drag you around the floor of the living room, everyone around you dancing just as hardcore. He grabs your hands and forces you to dance along with him.

“Dave, you are the best dance partner. You have to let me dip you so everyone will think we’re cool!” he demands, draping his arm over your shoulder.

You push him off of you as the one minute countdown starts.  “John, you’re drunk. Maybe you should just go to bed.”

“I can’t, it’s not New Year’s yet!!” he slurs, leaning his head on your shoulder. You can hear him breathing in your ear softly. You can’t do it. You just can’t lose him. You pull away from him and sigh.

“I’m going to get you a glass of water or something, you need it,” you mumble, leaving him in the middle of the living room. You end up flash-stepping out of the room, feeling a lot more sober than you probably are. You lean against the wall in the hallway and listen to everyone get to the last thirty seconds of the countdown. 29, 28…

“Dave, wait! I still have to dip you!” John says, running up to you in the hallway, grinning like a fucking idiot. 24, 23…

“John, wait, no. You’re gonna kill us both,” you say, trying to push him off. 15, 14…

“Nope, too late, prepare to swoon, Strider!” he laughs, grabbing your waist and pull you down. 11, 10…

He tumbles on top of you, laughing and apologizing. 5,4….you smirk and flush, trying to push him off of you. Then, he looks down at your face for a second, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he grins at you. 3,2…

You kiss him.

You kiss his stupid fucking drunk face with the echoes of everyone shouting Happy New Year in the distance. His lips are soft and you’re sure he tastes like something but to be honest you’re freaking out about the fucking fact that your face is on his so much that you have no damn idea what he tastes like. He makes a small surprised noise but after a second he kisses you back; briefly, but he does, and for those few seconds, everything you might lose is worth it.

Then he pulls back, and you mumble a small “Happy New Year” before getting away from John as fast as you fucking can.

You fucked up.

You fucked up and you hate yourself because it was the best 3 seconds of your miserable, goddamn life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so fucking long. I got a full-time job and basically have no time for anything ever and its major butts and IM SORRY. I promise that this will update still. For sure. I promise. Like cross my heart yo. There will at least be 20 chapters to this shindig. Also im at Anime North right now which is a weird thing dressed up like Jane, so if you're there come say hi! And if you're reading this like in two months YOU MISSED OUT BRO. THIS TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION.


	12. WHY ARE THINGS GETTING SO GAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is all sorts of hungover and Dave gets all sorts of action from the J-man. This chapter is nsfw ps. There are dicks. DICKS EVERYWHERE.

The morning after New Year’s, you remember nothing. You wake up with your head pounding like it’s learning the drums and an overwhelming urge to hurl up everything you consumed in the past month, but no recollection of anything past 8 p.m. You’ve never been blackout drunk before, but you suppose there has to be a first for everything. Besides, you’re sure it was fun! At least it seems that way from the last that you can remember.

You stumble down the stairs of the Lalonde home and find Rose sitting on the couch, knitting something purple and shaped suspiciously like those things the Striders all have laying around the house. Your head gives a particularly violent throb as you sit down, back to the sun so you don’t have to think about how much you don’t want to live right now.

“I don’t even remember going to bed,” you groan, turning towards Rose. She smiles but doesn’t look up from her knitting.

“I think Bro was kind enough to lift you from the floor after you passed out near the refrigerator,” she answers. You’ll have to thank him later.

“Tell me you have some aspirin or something I can take. I’ve already puked up as much as I can so I promise I won’t waste it,” you beg. Rose sighs and points to the bottle of aspirin on the side table. You silently thank her and put two pills in your hand, staring at them with distain. Rose coughs politely and you look up to see her handing you a glass of water as well.

“You need this too. Don’t try to take them dry with a hangover unless you want to ruin my mother’s rug,” she suggests, then adds darkly, “not that the party goers didn’t attempt it last night.” She goes back to her knitting. You look at the pills and throw them back, taking a long drink.

“Bleh. That was gross. Remind me never to get hung-over again. Drinking is for stupid losers and I never want to do it again ever,” you groan, sitting on the couch and laying on her lap. She simply moves her knitting over your head and keeps going.

“That’s not what you were saying last night if I recall correctly.”

“What _did_ happen last night, by the way?” You ask, looking up her. “Just don’t tell me I made out with Karkat or something, I don’t think I can handle that.”

“Fine then, I won’t tell you.”

“Haha, very funny, Rose, but really what happened?”

“You really would rather not know John, trust me when I tell you that. If it does make you feel better though, I’m fairly sure that your cousin and my brother finally got together. At least, I’m assuming they did, given that they fell out of a closet several hours after midnight covered in bruises and bite marks.”

She smirks. You gag and decide that Rose is truly evil.

“Gross. So nasty. Thanks for telling me that information, Rose, I’ll be sure to file that in the section labeled THINGS I NEVER WANT TO THINK ABOUT AGAIN,” you grumble, burying your face in the fabric of her skirt, trying to block the image of your cousin and Dirk Strider hooking up out of your mind.

You really do want to know what happened last night, though; you feel like it might have been something important. Hell, you’re sure that lots of important things happened. If Rose is going to be a stingy know-it-all then maybe you can get Dave to tell you or something. You’re sure it isn’t anything that bad, anyway. At least your headache is starting to fade, and the throbbing in your skull is somewhat muffled. You decide to change the subject.

“How was your vacation?” you asked her, poking her arm.

“I told you last night, but I suppose I can tell you again. It was mostly uneventful. We went to the beach where all the Strider boys acquired a very predictable sunburn and mother had a very predictable five martinis and Roxy and I had a very predictable stare off of the shrews for the ages. I am so overwhelmed by the amount of quality family bonding we did that I am nearly brought to tears. It was overpriced and overdone but it made my mother happy so we all went. We brought you back a mug, I think,” she adds, putting down her knitting and petting your hair. You sigh and hum happily, enjoying the feeling.

“It better have a corny Florida saying or we aren’t friends, I don’t care what Facebook says,” you murmur as you feel her fingers rest in your hair.

“Of course, John, I thought you knew me better than that. David wouldn’t let it happen any other way; he’s quite stubborn when he wants to be.”

You snort and decide immediately that it was a bad decision, your head throbbing in reminder that you are indeed still hungover. “Guh, tell me about it,” you say, voice pained. “A month ago he ripped a hole in his converse from using them in the salt from the snow and he STILL refuses to get a new pair, or wear winter boots or something. You guys sure are weird sometimes.”

She rolls her eyes. “Thank you John, it means a lot to be grouped in with my brother in the category of odd,” she says sarcastically. You grin, and poke her in the side, eliciting a small laugh from her. You like Rose’s laugh, and she doesn’t do it nearly enough these days. You give her a quick look and settle back into her lap.

“Is Kanaya still your girlfriend?” you ask, trying to make it sound like it’s a super casual question.  It obviously isn’t, the small smile that graced her face disappears instantly.

“It’s…complicated. I would rather not talk about it right now if you don’t mind, John,” she says softly, her fingers starting to play with you hair once more. You’ve been wondering if something happened to them recently. She hasn’t talked about her since that snowball fight you had a couple of weeks back. You chew on your lip and decide for once in your life you’ll leave the topic alone. If Rose doesn’t want to talk about it you can respect that! You lie quietly in her lap and fish out your phone, looking for Jakes number to text him and ask you what the crap happened to you last night.

EB: jake! are you awake?

GT: Good morning cousin!

GT: It just so happens that I am awake. Though hardly, my skull is bloody pounding like there is a parade in there!

GT: That damn strider also won’t stop banging around in the garage either.

EB: i’m sure you’re used to that by now jake, weren’t you banging around with him in the closet last night :P

GT: *coughs loudly and pulls at lapels*

GT: I would like to pretend that I have no idea what you’re talking about john, so lets keep it that way. How was your night?

EB: i have no idea

EB: hey this might be kinda a weird question but do you remember anything I did last night? I can’t remember anything past 8

GT: Ahhh, I wish I could help you, chap, but, I was otherwise occupied for most of the night.

EB: yep that’s gross.

EB: okay then, well thanks anyway jake.

EB: see you next week for dinner i guess!

GT: Yes! See you then!

 

You throw your phone onto the table and sigh. Rose gives you a small, sympathetic look, having read over your shoulder, and you frown. You wish you could remember something! Anything! But everything is just a blur of alcohol and music. You also seem to remember wanting to find Dave for some reason. Maybe he knows. You enjoy the last couple of seconds of Rose playing with your hair before forcing yourself to get up and actually move. Your head throbs as you grab onto the coffee table and pull yourself up.

“Leaving so soon, John?” Rose asks, adjusting her skirt back into its regular spot. You shrug.

“Yeah I should get going home, Dave is coming over tonight to watch movies and junk. It should be really fun if I’m not puking out my eyeballs or something,“ you groan. “I hate drinking, Rose, please never let me look at another rye and coke again for as long as I live. I will be good, I promise! Pay taxes and work full-time! Just no more drinks.”

Rose giggles. “I believe I recall him saying something along those lines. You better get there before he does. I can’t promise that he won’t put on something that you really don’t want to see. Last time we had movie night at their house, we watched ‘the Miracle of Life’ for three hours straight. It was educational, to say the least.”

You head out the door of her home, wondering if you’ll ever know what the fuck happened last night. At least you have a pretty good idea that it’s something you really don’t want to know about.

==> BE A SLAVE TO THE SYSTEM NERD

You get home from work later that night deciding that you will never ever work after drinking again. This, of course, shouldn’t be a problem because you will never DRINK again. Also, working at a convenience store is stupid because aside from the hospital it’s pretty much the only place that is ever open today. Luckily, it isn’t as busy as you thought it might be, just people slowly filtering, in grabbing a quick hangover remedy and some cigarettes.

Dad gives you a pleased look before you go upstairs, probably proud of you or something for working on a shitty day while being hung-over. You were all supposed to go over to your grandparents again for dinner but you agreed with him beforehand that you would be spending time with Dave today. You both have the house to yourself for what’s basically going to be the best sleepover of all time, which only the best of bros have. Sometimes you wonder how you could’ve ever hated Dave without knowing him, and you feel sort of guilty about it now. Yeah, he’s a douchebag most of the time, but you’d feel weird if he wasn’t around. You’re sort just used to him at this point, you guess.

 When you manage to settle into your room, you wrap yourself in the comforter off your bed and open the window, waiting for Dave to show up. He does just like he promised and opens his window as well, leaning out of it with his blanket wrapped around him so tight you can only see his face.

“Sup Egbert?” he asks, yelling across the street. You grin and wave.

“Nothing! When are you coming over? I have movies and junk,” you yell back, grabbing a couple you had on the floor and holding them up.

“Damn, Egbert, do you want popcorn or not? We have this shit poppin’ over here but if you’re gonna be that fucking impatient then we can forgo it,” he says, shoving his thumb in the direction of the microwave he keeps in his room. Something about the one in his kitchen not being used for real people purposes? You shrug and shake your head.

“Just keep making it. Bring that sauce stuff for it too, the powdery stuff. I know you guys hoard it,” you answer seriously. Dave looks back at the microwave and goes to close his window.

“I’ll be over in like two minutes. You better be lying on that bed with a goddamn rose in your mouth, Egbert. Inviting me over to your house when no one is home, the neighbours will talk. We better give ‘em something to talk about,” he says, cocking an eyebrow.

You laugh and wiggle your eyebrows before shutting the window as well. You decide that putting the blanket back on the bed is dumb and decide to make a fort out of it before Dave comes over, shoving the one end of it behind the TV in your room and the other in your bed so it makes sort of a canopy. You yank the other blankets and pillows off your bed and place it accordingly around the start of your fort as well. Your doorbell rings half way through the setting up of the pillows and you go downstairs, flinging it open to a shivering Dave who decided to give up on his coat and just arrive wrapped in his blanket.

“I didn’t want this,” he whispers, teeth chattering. You roll your eyes and drag him up the stairs.

“Your sister and I are heading over to your grandparents’ now; you kids stay safe and go to bed at a decent time,” your Dad says, heading out the door just after Dave walks in. Jane’s already in the car.

“Yeah Dad, we will,” you drone, continuing up the stairs. Dave follows behind you obediently, trying not to trip on his blanket, which you note is covered in ponies. It must be Dirk or Bro’s. Your Dad waves and closes the door behind him as you both go into your room.

“Nice blanket, you nerd,” you say, tugging on his only source of warmth. He frowns and holds it around himself protectively.

“Don’t judge me. You don’t know my story,” he mutters, pulling it tighter around him. He stares around your room for a second before nodding at your fort. “You’ve done well, Egbert. This fort will be worthy.” He briefly brings his arm out of the blanket to clap you on the shoulder. You smile and throw a pillow at him.

“It’s not even done yet! You came over quicker than I thought you would. Usually it takes you like an hour to put on all your winter stuff,” you say, poking him in the side. He frowns at you and takes the pillow and puts it between your bed and your wall.

“John. Hey. Come here,” he says, motioning for you to come closer like he was going to tell you a secret.

“What? What do you want?” you ask, moving beside him in the fort. He motions closer and you lean in.

“Nope, closer.”

“Dave!” you groan.

“Closer,” he replies.

“Ugh, fine,” you lean in so that his face is beside your ear and he moves to whisper,

“Shut up John.”

You frown and punch him in the shoulder for that, which he gracefully takes as punishment and laughs. Despite the fact that Dave is a giant asshole, you have a hard time being mad at him when he laughs. Not like a dumb, fake laugh or a small ‘haha’ but a real, honest laugh. Hearing Dave laugh is like seeing a freaking unicorn as far as you’re concerned. You can tell when he’s not faking. Around his shades you can see the corners of his eyes get all scrunched up and he actually has a dimple in his cheek, too.

“You’re stupid, and I hate you,” you say, flopping on the ground in front of him. You can pretty much feel him rolling his eyes at you as he looks over at the pile of DVDs in the corner.

“What’s on the menu tonight, Egbert? Some rom-coms? Horror maybe? Dude, did you trick me into coming over so I could get scared by a thriller and hide in your manly football player arms?” he asks, not even bothering to look up. He pulls out a horror movie and throws it at you, then proceeds to drape himself over you. “Ooooh, Mr. Egbert, ooooh! My virgin eyes can’t handle the scary monsters anymore, you strong gentleman! Quick! You’ll have to take me to the shed and make a real man out of me!” he croons dramatically. You laugh and attempt to get up, but fail.

“Dave! Get off!” you gasp through laughter before you finally shove him off of you. He rolls over into the pile of blankets and harbours himself there. “Wait,” you say, pulling yourself off the floor and picking up the pile of movies, “Are you really a virgin?”

If you didn’t know any better you’d say that Dave blushed a little, but if he did, that would mean Dave is a giant fucking virgin nerd. Oh wait. “Holy shit you are!” you say, a grin spreading on your face. Dave shrugs and looks away. If you remember correctly, you’re pretty sure he told you he’s been with a ton of girls. But here he is, not denying a thing. “You’ve had girlfriends though, right?”

“Please, Egbert, if anyone wants a slice of Strider pie they gotta be goddamn worthy. You think I would waste my time with some lame-ass girl trying to get up in my grill? Nah, man. Y’all are crazy if you think I wouldn’t be flying solo,” he says defensively, taking the horror movie from the pile and handing it to you.

“That kinda sounds like a dumb excuse,” you pry, taking the movie and starting to set it up.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, any sarcasm disappearing from his voice; it’s sort of obvious he really doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. You’re actually surprised; yeah, Dave is pretty much a giant nerd-hole, even you can see that, but he also looks like the kind of guy girls should be drooling over. He isn’t exactly ugly, his hair is always perfect, and he dresses really nice. Not to mention you’re pretty sure he has perfect teeth, unlike the giant chompers you have to contain with braces. Plus, he has flawless skin basically always. Looking at him you decide that girls would be sort of stupid not to want to date him. You shrug and leave the topic alone, putting in the movie.

It’s basically your typical horror movie: a ghost possesses this little kid and he starts killing his family members and no one believes his sister when she says its him, bluh bluh bluh. Usually you’re ALL OVER movies, especially ones with ghosts, you really freaking love those. Tonight is different though, you really aren’t that into it. Dave is another story, though.

“Are you okay?” you ask him after he gives a violent jump beside you when you touch his arm. He’s been perfectly still for the past hour and you laugh, basically proving to you that Dave Strider is trying way too hard to keep his cool. “Oh my god Dave, you fucking dork,” you snort as he glares at you. You back up for air, grinning at him when you realize it’s perfectly dark and he is still wearing the shades you swear you gave to Vriska. “Why do you wear those even when it’s dark?” you ask, making a grab for them. Dave flinches back violently and waves your hand away.

You’ve never really bothered to ask about the shades thing before; you assume that he has to for some reason, but in the dark it seems sort of pointless. Holy shit, what if he’s blind and you’ve never noticed for the entirety of your friendship?!?! You’ve never even seen him without them on. He could be a secret half-lizard man with weird lizard eyes and you wouldn’t suspect a thing!

“I like them.”

“But you can’t see anything! It’s too dark!” you whine.

“I’ll be fine,” he shrugs.

“Don’t be stupid, just take them off,” you say, reaching for them again. Dave grabs you by the wrist and sighs, slowly raising his own hand to the shades. When he pulls them off, he squints a little adjusting to the light.

“Happy?” he asks you, kind of still half-squinting. You’re having a hard time answering so you just sort of nod. Somehow, you’ve managed to go months without ever seeing Dave Strider’s face. You can see that his freckles go all the way up to right under his eyes in little patterns like stars under the blazing sun that is the red of his eyes. At first you think it’s a trick of the light, or that you’re seeing things, but no, Dave’s eyes really are bright red.

“I- shit,” you stutter, straight-up surprised. “Dave, is that why you wear them all the time, because of the…ya know?” you ask, motioning towards his eyes. He shrugs.

“Yeah, I guess so. I have this thing where my eyes are hella sensitive so I can’t see fuck all when it’s anything but dark outside. Plus, my eyes make me look like some sort of fucking evil demon overlord. I don’t really want people to think that I’m gonna sacrifice their babies to the devil, all like, yo I got the freaky demon peepers stuck in my skull therefore I’m now Satan’s personal Rumpelstiltskin and if you don’t fucking guess my name guess what it’s baby snatching time so fuck you and your baby bonus because I’m going straight up Biblical on your ass,” he rambles. You sort of stop listening after that and just watch him keep going, captivated by how many expressions he has. You watch him speak and you realize that you wish he could never have to put back on those stupid fucking shades again because like this, Dave sort of looks like a normal guy.

“Egbert. Egbert. John!” he says, waving a hand in front of your face. You flush and realize that you’re still staring at his face and quickly looking away, pretending that staring isn’t totally super fucking creepy. You laugh awkwardly and Dave goes back to the movie, wrapping his blanket around his head like he’s the base of blanket mountain.

You find yourself getting into the rest of the movie more. You’ve never been one to get really scared at movies, but even you jump a few times. Eventually you find Dave scooting ever so sneakily closer to you as it goes on, until you tell him to budge over and share some of his blanket. Without his shades, you can actually see relief flood his face and relish the fact that you and Dave can share in bro-cuddles and it not be weird. You and Karkat used to bro-cuddle all the time but he hardly ever comes over anymore and even if it makes you sound sort of dumb to admit it, you really miss bro-cuddles.

You pull the blanket up just so it covers your face a little and watch the credits roll. It’s quiet for a minute and your leg is hot where Dave is touching it. He clears his throat and looks up at you, reaching for his shades. You sigh and decide that when the lights come back on he will probably need them. You don’t really want to turn them back on.

“I think we should talk about last night,” he says quietly, not moving an inch.

“Yes! Fucking finally!” you shout. Dave quirks an eyebrow.

“What do you mean, finally?” he asks, lips pressed in a thin line. You furrow your brows and slap him on the shoulder.

“Someone is going to tell me what happened! I don’t remember anything. The last thing I’ve got is shots of whiskey with Feferi Peixes, that girl from my bio class. Then I woke up in a bed at Rose’s house. Everything is really foggy in between,” you say, shrugging. Dave is quiet for a second before he smirks at you.

“I’m not telling you a fucking thing. It’s your own fault. You’ll just have to wait for someone else to fill you in, bro.”

“Fuck you, Dave!” you moan. “Come onnnn! You can’t tell me one little thing? Anything?” you beg, clinging onto his arm and giving him the best puppy dog eyes you can muster. He looks down at you and shakes his head.

“I didn’t know you liked to sing so much, Egbert,” he says slowly, the worst shit-eating grin on his face. You don’t remember singing anything. You bet it was “Died in Your Arms,” that song always gets you. You sigh and fall onto his lap and pap his face. He pulls the blanket over his head and gives you a weird look in your mini blanket fort. You’re both quiet for a second when you decide that he is pretty much a lost cause and change the subject.

“I still can’t believe you’re a virgin, dude. You have so many people around all the time! How do you…ya know…” you ask, genuinely curious about how Dave jerks off. Wait, no, that came out wrong!

“You mean the five knuckle shuffle? Having a date with Mrs. Palm and her five sisters? Pulling the bologna pony?” he asks, still smirking.

“Haha yeah I-“

“Shaking hands with the one-eyed milkman?” he continues.

“Ok-“

“Warming up the altar boy’s dinner?”

“Dave, holy shit, shut up,” you demand, shoving your hand over his mouth. You can feel him smile under your palm and he licks it. Gross. You pull it away and wipe it off on him, frowning. He’s just making it weird. You guys never really talked about this stuff before. You don’t really have anyone to talk to this about but Jake, and Jake…he’s sort of a different story. No one is more awkward than Jake.

“To answer your question, I pretty much don’t. Okay, well, no, I do, but not a lot. Everyone is always around like fucking humiliation vultures just waiting to peck out your eyes with any sort of shit they can dig up on you and if jerking it is one of those things then they fucking will. ‘Sides, if my brothers know I’m flogging the frog you don’t think they would start playing like Long Island Medium as loud as fucking possible or something in the background. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET OFF TO THERESA CAPUTO JOHN?!” he says, sounding more and more distressed as he goes on.

“Dave, calm down. She’s just a regular long island mom,” you say comfortingly, continuing to pap his face.

“I can hardly watch porn, bro. The only thing we have in the house is Bro’s private collection because he doesn’t want to support any other companies or some shit so he’s blocked them all. He’s got those fucking passwords on lockdown. Even Roxy can’t crack that shit, and she’s like some fucking crazy hacker babe from the 1980’s, dude, like Matrix-level shit. I just want something to get off to instead of sneaking peaks at the porno mags in the drug store, bro,” he complains. Poor guy. As a hopeless virgin nerd yourself, you basically survive off of jerking it. If you were Dave you’d probably be so sexually frustrated that you’d explode!

“Well, we can watch some if you want right now, my Dad won’t be back until tomorrow and Bro doesn’t have to know,” you suggest, deciding that watching porn with your bro is 100% totally not weird at all. Dave pulls the blanket off of the both of you and in the glare of the TV you can sort of see his flushed face.

“I…don’t think we’re into the same kinda shit, bro,” he mumbles, looking anywhere but at your face. You shrug, getting off of him.

“It doesn’t really matter, porn is porn. We can just watch generic stuff. Besides, I don’t want to know about all your weird kinks, dude!” you laugh, getting up and in your computer chair. You spin it around and look at him. “I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to! I just thought-“

Dave inhales, looks at you and shakes his head. “Nah bro, it’s fine, lets watch some chicks get porked,” he says, not sounding as into it as he should be. But he said he wants to so you shrug and go on one of your regular sites. Dave walks up behind you and watches as you scroll through your options.

“Boobs or butt?” you ask, looking through the categories. Maybe Asian women? Nah, sexualizing people of a certain culture sounds dumb.

“Ass,” he answers almost immediately. You nod and click accordingly. All of the titles are basically the same: “Girl gets pounded,” “Babe gets fucked hard,” not super specific. You just click on the first one on the page and look at Dave for his approval. He shrugs and you both go to sit down in the fort, moving your laptop in front of the both of you. You crank up the volume and sit back, making sure not to touch Dave when you sit beside him.

The video starts. It’s nothing too different than what you’re used to. Just a guy and a girl. The guy is in a suit, saying something about needing to talk to the secretary, and the secretary comes in, her shirt not even bothered to be half buttoned up, and leans over the desk as they talk. Well sort of, in a period of about thirty seconds they’re on the desk tearing off each other’s clothes. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but despite this it’s hard to not find it…well, kinda hot. You flush and remember that Dave is sort of right beside you and it would be super weird if you got like some sort of big ass boner right now. So you sort of find yourself trying to think of not sexy things while watching porn with your best friend.

Jade. NOPE WRONG THOUGHT GROSS. Jane. Ew, okay, that helped. Nanna? Oh god, yeah, there goes your boner. Goodbye friend, you hardly knew ye.

You actually manage to make it through the first couple of videos without things being weird. Which is good because despite how cool you tried to be about this, you’re actually sort of freaking out a little. You’ve never done this before. You know people who have and you guess guys do this all the time, but you’re kind of scared that this might be a little too invasive; despite that, you’re still okay with this.

It’s the third video that changed things.

It starts off pretty normal. There is a pizza guy and he comes to the girl’s house, she can’t pay for the pizza, bluh bluh bluh. The girl has pale blond hair and bright eyes and she’s kind of your type. Like, really kind of your type. You shift a little and Dave looks over at you, hardly, but you just enough for you to notice. You can feel the heat rise to your cheeks and as the video goes on the pretty girl starts taking off her clothes more and more. You adjust your pants a little and try to avoid the hard on that seems inevitable.

Soon, one of the neighbors comes into the video and it turns into a threesome, two guys and the pretty girl. They start basically pig-roasting the girl, one dick in her mouth and one in her ass. The one guy is even still eating pizza. It’s awful and stupid and you are so horny you start to wonder how others get through this. Then, things get worse.

You hear something. It’s a small something, but it’s there. Then it happens again, a small breathy noise that isn’t from the video, and you sneak a quick peek over at Dave. It’s really small, just enough so he won’t notice. Dave’s face is red and he’s biting his lip, like he’s struggling not to make a sound. You swallow hard and decide that it’s probably easier to look at the screen. You adjust your pants again.

One of the guys stops letting the girl suck his dick and starts playing with the other dudes ass. You quickly look over at Dave, needing to know if he wanted to change it if things were gonna be sort of gay in the video. Dave seems to have to have no qualms about it at all, palming his pants. You can see the outline of his dick through them and look away, deciding that you should be watching the video, not Dave. Dave makes another small noise as the video continues; this time it’s a little louder and sounds more like a small moan than anything. You swallow again and start rubbing yourself through your jeans, pressing yourself into the warmth of your hand. It feels good and you make a noise that matches Dave’s, deciding that if he can get off on this then dammit, so can you!

The video changes so the two dudes are banging while the girl sucks the one guy’s dick. Dave is rubbing his pants so hard you can hear them shift under his hands so you rub yourself harder too. You flick your eyes over to him again, and he’s leaning against the back of your bed now, eyes shut and even his ears are flushed under all of his freckles. He’s undone his pants and just stuck his hand inside. His wrist is moving slowly and his thumb slides over his hem every minute or so. He moans quietly, biting his lip after as if it slipped out.

Fuck it.

You quickly unbutton your pants as well and slip your hand inside, gripping yourself at the base and lightly squeezing. You gasp and start sliding your hand up and down yourself in your pants, trying to stay intent on watching the video. You don’t even know what’s happening in it anymore as your head thunks against the frame of your bed. Dave quickly looks at you as if he’s asking you if this is okay and you catch his eye. You quickly nod and look away as you hear him yank off his pants and sit beside you in his boxers; you do the same because there is no way that he cares if there are tiny ghosts all over yours. He moans louder as he pulls himself out of them and as much as you don’t want to admit it, you watch. You sit there and forget to look away when you glance at him, taking out your own dick.

Dave is bigger than you, but yours is definitely thicker. His eyes are still shut tight so you keep watching as he writhes in what little he is left wearing. This is still normal though, right? You’re sure that a lot of guys end up doing it. Besides, you’re a teenager! There’s nothing wrong with finding your best guy friend jerking off to be kind of a turn on when you’re so hormonal! You briefly consider asking Rose about this later, but that would involve you telling her that you and Dave jerked off together, which, no. Besides, Dave’s a virgin and so are you, it’s not like you’re having sex or anything. The poor guy has never even been jerked off; you may be a virgin, but at least someone’s touched you before! You actually sort of feel bad for him.

“Dave,” you murmur; he opens his eyes, not looking into yours but at your mouth instead. You consider what you’re thinking one more time before inhaling a quick breath and trying not to stutter out what you’re going to say.

“What’s up?” he asks, struggling for breath but still trying to sound cool. You remember to file that in the folder of things to make fun of Dave for later.

“Let me. It’s…better when someone else does it,” you say, reaching over to him and he just nods, licking his lips. You laugh awkwardly. “What are friends for, right?”

Then you switch your dick for his and jerk off your best friend.

Dave inhales sharply when you grab him and stroke his dick, a little slower than you were doing your own. It’s not really that different from your own, so you sort of try to do the same thing because you haven’t ever touched a dick but your own. Dave leans into your touch, jerking his hips in time with your strokes, just staring down at your hand. You figure that staring at his dick while you help him out is sort of weird so you look back at the screen and try to jerk yourself and Dave off at the same time.

This proves to suck a whole lot of ass because multi-tasking is hard. You try to adjust yourself accordingly but end up moving closer to Dave, so your bodies are flush beside one another. Dave looks over at you and catches your eye for a quick second before you snap back to the T.V. You think the girl is trying to ride the one guy now? You don’t really know. What you do know is that Dave’s pushed your hand away from your own dick and replaced it with his.

“I should…probably return the favour,” he huffs when you look at him questioningly. The look doesn’t last very long and is interrupted by a noise that you didn’t really think you were capable of making. You blush and stick your knuckle in your mouth as he strokes you in time with your own hand on him. The moans of the actors in the background start to match your own and you both lean into each other, getting off on the simple thought of doing it with someone else.

You watch Dave’s hand move rhythmically up and down your dick, occasionally popping his thumb over the head. His hands are so much more calloused than any girl’s ever were. It’s rough and fast, not to mention the friction feels better than it should. The pressure in your groin is building and you don’t know if you can hold off for much longer. Luckily Dave holds out his hand and looks at you expectantly.

“Spit.”

You don’t hesitate to obey and spit in his hand, which he immediately rubs from base to tip, using it as a temporary lube. Your breath catches and you try to warn him that you might cum soon when a moan rips out of him and he gives a particularly hard thrust into your hand, spilling over without warning. You watch it slowly drip down onto the base of his dick and cum with a cry of your own, all over your favourite boxers and Dave.

You both sit there for a minute, panting. You didn’t realize how incredibly awkward jerking Dave off might be when you started. The silence is deafening and the video has long been over. It’s just a weird ad of a cartoon girl getting porked by an ungodly dick looped over and over flashing at the both of you. Dave looks over at you really quick, pretending he doesn’t notice you cleaning yourself up.

“Egbert, are you sure you don’t remember anything at all from last night?” he asks you, grabbing his shades and putting them back on his face. You shake your head and he sighs. You both sit in the silence again before you fake a yawn.

“GOSH! I am so TIRED,” you say, knowing you sound as awkward as freaking possible but you don’t really care. You just need to get out of this silence. “I think I’m gonna head to bed bro, it’s getting sort of late,” you say, blatantly ignoring the fact that its only like 11 p.m. Dave nods and starts to set up his bed as you scramble into yours and stare up at the ceiling.

You hope this isn’t something you’re going to regret.

==> DON’T LET THE ALARM GET YOU DOWN.

You try, but the alarm is getting you down so hard. Stupid alarm, why did you even buy that darn thing the first place? Oh yeah, because you have a job. You look over at where Dave’s supposed to be sleeping but it looks like he’s already gone.

He almost always waits for Dad to come home and make some breakfast or something. You shrug and decide that maybe you freaked him out last night or something. You can sort of feel a pit in your stomach the more you think about it, like it was wrong. Maybe it was. Maybe you just feel bad because you had a good time. You don’t know! You honestly don’t feel like figuring it out right now. You sigh and turn up the radio, deciding that you should probably just try to drown out all thoughts of Dave for right now.

_“I! I just died in your arms tonight!”_

You smile, this is one of your favorite songs! You sang it at Dave just the other night-

“ _Must have been something you said!”_

Oh no. Dave.

“ _I just died in your arms tonight!!!”_

Suddenly, as you sit there listening, everything comes flooding back: you singing at Dave, yelling at Vriska, and chasing Dave down into the hallway to serenade him. The kiss. He kissed you. He kissed you and you kept kissing him. You sat in that hallway for what felt like hours kissing him and then you left, passed out somewhere.

The pit in your stomach grows to something more of a black hole of death.

You’re not gay. You don’t even like guys! But, you guess Dave does. Maybe that’s why he’s never had a girlfriend before? What if Dave likes you? Holy shit, what have you done?!?

You start to panic and your breath catches in your throat, as you try to figure out what to do. Eventually, you go back to doing the only thing you know how to: you pick up your phone and dial the number like it’s engraved in your head. It picks up and you can feel a little bit of relief flood back into your system.

“Hey! Vriska? I was wondering if you maybe wanted to…start over?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the worst piece of trash and take forever to update and I'm SORRRYYY/ I'm doing Camp NanoWriMo too but I promise I write something during that time, swearsies. Also super duper warning for y'all. The next couple of chapters are not going to be happy. At all. Ever. Prepare for the sads my friends because it is coming. I never promised this fic would be all happy cute times.


	13. EVERYBODY HURTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not fucking around man, this chapter is sad. Read the tags bruh. I am talking like some serious what why is this so sad whats going on sad. But yeah, I warned you dawg.   
> Anyway, Dave is mopey, Mario Kart is awesome, corner stores turn out to be more emotional than expected.

==> BE THE GUY WHO PRETTY MUCH FEELS WERID ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW

It’s been two months since you’ve talked to John. You guess you didn’t expect to fucking jump onto a white horse and ride off into the sunset as John’s blushing bride or anything after he so romantically jerked you off to porn designed for a 14 year old boy’s taste, but you didn’t expect this. Well, maybe you did. You don’t fucking know! All you know is that the kid won’t look at you since you got acquainted with his dick. You think that someone must have told him what he did the night before the fact, you sort of hope that’s what happened. It was bound to happen sometime, you just wish that you could have lived in the strange fantasy that maybe he really did remember the entire time and was okay with it.

Obviously that didn’t fucking happen. As much as you’re trying not to be a giant buzzkill or anything, you’re sort of lonely. You thought that being alone was just something that you’re used to at this point, but as soon as you woke up the morning after you slept at his house you looked over at him and you couldn’t stand being there because you knew that it was going to be like this. You feel like you tricked him or something and it ruined everything. You’ve lost friends before but John is sort of a different story. 

You didn’t think that you could lose your best friend.

You stare up at your ceiling and try to find the different shapes in the popcorn texture. You squint but everything sort of just blurs together. You would go out for a walk but as much as you hate the snow, you hate half-melted snow more. Slush and Converse just don’t mix. Just because the ground is gross, though, it doesn’t mean your window isn’t open, letting a cool breeze in as it’s a pretty warm day. You can hear people talking outside but you’re too lazy to actually go see if it’s anyone you care about. You listen anyway and hear the familiar sounds of Vriska laughing. You groan. She’s been over at John’s almost every day since New Year’s.

There’s a knock at your door and you stare at it, willing it to open with your mind, but alas you are no Jedi and it remains locked. You do eventually manage to get up and open it, staring at the face of your sister.

“How goes the sulking brother?” Rose asks you, pushing past you and sitting at the end of your bed expectantly. You frown and shut your door, glaring at her.

“It’s going exactly as planned, I’m mostly just crying and jerking off to the song ‘Everybody Hurts’ on repeat for days. I would go outside but I’m waiting for it to rain so I can dramatically walk through the city streets and watch couples kiss each other Notebook-style while I think of all the ways I can stab myself in the eyes,” You snap back, rubbing your throat a little after because your voice honestly hurts from hardly talking to anyone all week. Rose looks at you, quirking a brow and looking back to the bed. You groan and move to flop back onto it before she stares you down hard enough for you to only sit back down instead. You sigh and give into her obvious attempt to make you feel better, or at least guilt you into feeling better.

“I heard you’re skipping school because you’re sick. Vomiting for days Bro said. But you seem to be eating just fine to me,” she mentions, pointing to the piles of junk food you had strewn around your room, which is usually a lot neater than that.

“I gotta bounce back from all that lost food somehow.” You answer, ignoring the fact that she _knows_ you’ve been faking sick for about a week now.

School just sucks a whole lot of ass with John not around. When it started back up again you didn’t really think anything of it but he was never there at lunch anymore, at least not at the table with you and the rest of your friends, not at first. You went there on the first day back and looked across the cafeteria to see him sitting at a table with Vriska, Terezi and some other kids you didn’t recognize, laughing and holding the blond girl’s hand.

If that wasn’t fucking terrible enough you managed to get a chorus of silent looks of pity from every person you were sitting at the table with, as if you’re that fucking obvious about having your heart shit on. You didn’t say a goddamn thing though and ate your food, not looking up again. You found later when you skipped out on lunch with Rose that John sat back at the regular table with Vriska, so you decided it was probably best not to eat lunch there anymore. Which usually meant that you were subjected to the torment of the football team again, so you just eat your lunch in Rose’s truck now.

Things are sort of starting to feel like how they did back when you had no friends at your other schools, except this time you do have friends but it’s just fucking balls to be around them. You haven’t even been to Archeology club all semester, not with Vriska being there and all, probably John too. Usually you would like to think that you don’t give a fuck about this sort of thing. So John got your hopes up and he started dating the girl that almost killed him the day after and stopped talking to you. So what?

John is what. How dare that fucking dorky ass kid make you care so goddamn much.

Rose stares at you as you stew beside her and you can almost feel her concern coming off in waves.  “Dave, you need to get out. This is getting ridiculous. At least spend time with one of your friends. Everyone is consistently begging me to try and bring you back to the table, they all miss you. You’re being far more dramatic then you need to be,” she says, frowning.

“I know, I just can’t. He won’t look at me, Rose. It’s like the entire fucking world is like look what you missed out on you fat, nasty trash, go fuck yourself. Everything just fucking sucks,” you say quietly. Rose nods and puts her hand on your shoulder.

“I’ve figured you aren’t ready to come back yet, but you need to at least go back to archaeology club, Dave. I can’t keep getting Roxy to pick you up so early, she’s almost been late for her classes far too many times. If you won’t stand up for yourself, you’ve got to go back. I’ve invited Sollux over, in fact. He should be here in less than ten minutes,” she informs you, folding her arms. You groan. He’s probably just gonna bitch that you haven’t been there in so long and tell you that you’re being a douche about this. You know that much. You wish this wasn’t as obvious as it is, you’re not usually one to make everyone know about the shit that’s going on with you, but you’re stupidly into John and it’s not getting better.

“Thanks for that, Rose,” you reply, giving her the most unamused look you can muster. “I really wanted my friends to bitch at me today. You always know what to do, sister. How will I ever repay you?”

Rose’s expression doesn’t change, she just throws a pair of pants at you and stands up.

“At least put on pants if you’re going to see people today Dave. No sane person would enjoy staring at the questionable holes and stains that line your undergarments.” She comments, waiting for you to actually put them on. You frown and yank them over your boxers, which look perfectly normal, you might add.

“You just come in here like the goddamn wicked witch of the west Rose, well fuck you and get me my goddamn sparkly red shoes because there is no place like home and I don’t want to fucking leave,” you mutter defiantly, doing up your jeans. Rose scoffs and gives you a smile before leaving your room.

“Eight minutes David, I am not joking!” she says before leaving you in your room alone. You watch the door shut quietly and sigh, flopping back down onto your bed. You can still hear Vriska outside, so you finally cave and move to your window to look, hoping that they don’t really notice you there. It’s not like you really do this often, but sometimes you cave and stare out of your window, wondering if John is going to ever send you messages through his window again. Mostly you just want to make sure he’s happy and that she’s treating him how you would. You know its borderline weird but you’ve pretty much gotten over it at this point.

Vriska sits on John’s front step with someone who you can’t really see. You crane your neck a little and to your surprise it’s not actually John, but Sollux. He looks less irritated than usual for some reason which is probably a miracle, if not concerning. You sit there and catch tidbits of their conversation.

“So does that mean you’re telling her?” she asks him, leaning in closer. You can’t catch much of what he’s saying, but he seems to be nodding.

“-It has to be today,” you hear Sollux finish. What has to be today? Where the fuck is John?

“I can respect that. I mean, it’s only been since third grade. It’s about time you tell her. No offense but she’s pretty fucking stupid if she doesn’t already know. It’s not like you’ve really pretended not to be totally in love with the weirdo,” Vriska comments, patting him on the back. Sollux shoots her a glare and you can only assume that they’re talking about Aradia. He hasn’t ever said anything to you but you’re fairly certain that he would cut of every part of his body slowly with a blade made of molten sadness and pain before anything bad could happen to her. If someone’s gonna have something work out for them, it should be Sollux and Aradia.

“I juthst don’t want to fuck this up,” he says. Vriska rolls her eyes but nods anyway.

A door opens behind the both of them and John steps out, zipping up his jacket. He shivers a little before wrapping an arm around Vriska’s waist, who smiles and kisses him on the cheek. If the scene didn’t leave an awful taste in your mouth you’d probably think they’re cute. Cute like a spider planning on ripping off her boyfriend’s head, that is.  You wrinkle your nose and watch as Sollux greets John and stands up, shoving a thumb towards your house. You watch as John moves his head to look up at your window and flash step out of the way instead of continuing to watch them, making sure you’re out of view. You wait another minute before returning to your spot at the window, figuring there’s a whole lot less of a chance of you looking like a complete fucking creep now. John and Vriska seem to have gone back inside now, and Sollux is on your doorstep. You sigh and go downstairs to meet the obnoxious doorbell ringing.

Sollux greets you with his usual passive look and you smirk and let him inside. “Thsup nerd?” he asks you, slapping you on the back and taking off his shoes. You suddenly remember that you actually like having friends and Sollux happens to be one of them. You shrug and take his coat for him, throwing it on a bench.

“Nothing. Feeling sorry for myself mostly, I’ve eaten several pints of ice cream and seen more Jennifer Aniston movies than any man should admit within the past two months. M’ starting to think we’re the same person, like two halves of a whole or something. Or she’s my long lost twin and my life is gonna turn out like that one Lindsay Lohan movie and she’ll pierce my ears and cut my hair and our lives will be FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN in one hilarious summer flick. We’ll both be back to back on the cover of it and even though it went straight to DVD it will still be a family classic for the ages and they’ll play it on the Family channel at least once a month,” you ramble, moving to your living room and planting yourself on the futon along with Sollux who almost looks disgusted with you.

“Christ Sthrider I forgot that when you thspeak I actually don’t give two shits about anything you thsay,” he smirks, picking up one of the Xbox controllers you had lying on the ground. “ Are we gonna play or thsomething or not?”

“Yeah, but I wanna play Wii-U instead. The new Mario Kart 8 has anti-gravity and anti-gravity is what I’m all about,” you say, picking up a Wii-Mote instead. Sollux has a quiet moment of agreement and picks one up as well. You flip on the television and the game starts up. You elect to go with the family favourite of Princess Peach because as much as you dislike her occasional catch phrases she plays to win and you respect that. Sollux chooses Rosalina whom you unlocked like last week and you dub yourselves ‘Princess Squad 2014’. The game starts up and the both of you immediately start on the smack talk as you swing around corners on your sweet anti-grav bike (there’s no way you could play with the karts that shit has to be on manual hell fucking no).

“Holy shit, you call that a fucking banana bro? I swing around that shit so hard the pure force of how poorly that was laid out almost sent that fucking bitch Waluigi spinning out into goddamn space,” you mutter, successfully inking the entirety of your competition. Sollux swears and ends up getting a golden mushroom, speeding past you.

“Suck my dick. Fucking suck it,” he says, sending poor Daisy spinning out of control. This goes on for easily another couple of hours and you decide that not only do you like having friends, but you’ve actually missed them, a lot. Sollux didn’t bring up why you weren’t around anymore like you thought he might. It was almost like he was avoiding it if anything. Part of you was relieved because you had no idea what to tell him; that because your best friend won’t talk to you anymore you’ve decided that being around people was far too difficult? Because avoiding John makes everything feel like every other school you’ve been too, where you would quite literally eat your lunch in the bathroom to avoid people and you probably deserve that? Because you’re just really fucking sick of getting your hopes up?

You probably won’t tell him that. First of all, if anyone poured that kind of shit on you, you would probably think that they’re being a total whiny bitch. Secondly, because it’s true and you don’t want to look like a whiny bitch. That’s pretty much the last thing you want Sollux to think you are so you keep how you feel to yourself. Not that some things don’t start to slip though.

“You guys going on any digs soon?” You ask him as casually as possible as he flips through the possible levels. Sollux looks at your strangely for a second and turns his attention back to the screen, shrugging.

“I dunno. I guess Aradia really wanted to check out this one thsite. We got in a fucking fight about it though. Its pathst the tracks and we shouldn’t even touch it until winter is done. It got out of hand and I ended up calling her a controlling bitch. She wants me to meet her after this,” he says, not taking his eyes off of the TV. You nod slowly and start pressing your gas while the game counts down.

“That’s a little fucking harsh. Kinda fucked that one up didn’t you?” you say to him, distracting him just enough to pass him at the start of the race.

“I know I did!” he growls at you, and you sort of feel bad for pointing it out now. “I’m gonna make it up to her though. I got her thsome new tools. She’s gonna meet me at the thsite. I think I’m gonna tell her I’m in love with her,” he says as casually as fucking possible like it’s no big fucking deal. You catch yourself smiling and run into a fucking wall with your bike. Sollux laughs and you sigh, trying to get back into first. 

There is no way that Aradia doesn’t love him back. You’ve seen how they act together all the time. He looks at her like the sun doesn’t exist and she is what his world revolves around. Sometimes you catch her smiling at him when he’s not looking. “You’re in love with her eh?” you ask. Sollux nods, his cheeks getting red like a fucking nerd.

“She’s my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without her,” he answers, taking first and winning the lap with ease. “I have to go after this cup.”

“I’ll come with you half of the way, I need more snacks to fucking drown my angst in,” you sigh. Sollux shrugs and completely kicks your ass throughout the entire rest of the cup. You congratulate him on a game well played and vow that this won’t be the last he sees of you.

“You fucking nerd. Leths go. I have to meet her thsoon,” he complains, waiting for you to pull on your coat and shoes. You make sure to actually not be completely slow and get out the door within minutes. Luckily it’s still fairly nice outside so despite your fucking soaked shoes you can at least enjoy it not being minus a billion fucking degrees. You shove your hands into your jacket and look over at Sollux, who surprisingly looks okay considering he’s going to confess his undying love for his best friend in less than 20 minutes.

“Man look at you fucking go, just walking into this dick godamn out. Are you not sweating about this shit at all?” you ask him, hands getting clammy just thinking about doing the same.  Sollux shrugs.

“I just don’t have to think about it. Like nothing else will make senths but this. I was avoiding it for thso long and when I called her that shit afterwards I felt thso shitty that I decided that this is the only option. I don’t think I’m nervousth at all.  I justh want to give her everything she deserveths,” he says slowly, thinking about his words carefully. You can’t help but feel jealous of him. So goddamn confident that this is the right choice; Like he doesn’t even think about anything bad happening because it won’t. You can’t even consider telling John how you feel. Besides Sollux is in love with Aradia, you have no idea if you’re in love with the guy. John is like a special sort of fucked up elixir of anxiety, attraction and the need to hold his hand. But you don’t know about love. You don’t even know if you like yourself enough to love someone else.

“Did you get her a gift or anything? For sprinkles on top?” you ask. Sollux nods and pauses for a moment as he pulls off his bag.

“Yeah, new tools,” he replies, showing you a brand new set of various trowels, brushes and some stuff for hand-excavation, “if she wanths them.”

“She will fucking want them bro, you are so in,” you laugh, slapping him on the back; he glares at you but shakes his head, probably too fucking excited to care. Sirens sound in the distance as you get to the park where you’re going to split off. “Wonder what the fuck is going on over there?” you say out loud and Sollux shrugs. Its strange because despite the fact that you do live in a fairly large town there is hardly every any crime or anything, especially during the day. Maybe a car accident?

Sollux walks to the edge of the sandbox; or at least what is supposed to be the sandbox and smiles. A huge toothy grin that you didn’t think he was capable of. “I’m gonna go, she’s just over the train trackths,” he says, and you give him your usual salute. You start to walk off when a kid calls out to the both of you.

“Did you say you’re going to past the tracks?” he asks, pulling his hat back. Sollux nods slowly and sort of glares down the kid.

“Yeah, whaths it to you?”

“Can’t. Me and my friend just tried to go down. The police are all over there and won’t let anyone close! The one guy standing there said some girl got stuck crossing them and splattered everywhere. Said she’s dead on site,” the kid says as you feel your heart drop into your shoes. No. No fucking way. No. Not Aradia, anyone but her.

You watch the colour drain from your friend’s face as he scrambles for his phone and presses the speed dial. 

“There is no way iths her,” he says, anxiously running a hand through his hair as he waits for the number to connect. About 5 seconds later he lowers his phones and looks up at you. “Straight to machine. She alwayths charges her phone before she goesth out.”

You look at each other for a second before you both sprint into a run, slipping through the slush and the mud all the way to the tracks, or at least as close as you can get. Everything feels like it’s happening too fast. Your breath is ragged when you both arrive, and you pant heavily while Sollux scrambles up to one of the officers standing.

“Sorry boys, nothing to see here. Still cleaning up. You kids probably don’t want to be hang out around here anyway, this should really be a lesson to you. A young woman just lost her life-“

“Did you identify the body?!” Sollux interrupts, voice cracking. You wince. The officer raises a brow and clears his throat.

“Sorry son, but I can’t release that information, we’ve identified the body but it is up to her parents to release info about her death. I can’t tell you her name. I would if I-“

“Please!” he begs, grabbing the officers arm, who just looks shocked. “My besth friend, I was supposed to meet her down here, she’s not ansthering her phone! Please justh please.”

You swallow hard and watch as the police officer takes Sollux’s death grip off of his arm and sighs. 

“I can give you her first name since it won’t exploit her family in anyway, but you need to understand that by doing this it’s putting my job in jeopardy. This is highly unorthodox. But, shit, I can’t torture you like this, kid, I would do the same if I thought it was my friend down there, “ he says as you both hang on to his every word. The officer looks at the ground sadly for a moment and you realize that the poor guy looks like fucking hell too. “The girl’s name was Aradia.”

He doesn’t even pronounce it right but before you could even hear the last syllable of her name you watch Sollux slowly fall to the ground, tears immediately streaming down his face. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Sollux seems to feel the same because he can’t seem to get a word out. You blink away tears that start to well up in your eyes and the officer looks at the both of you, sympathy written on his face like a novel.

“I am so sorry,” he states, not even sure what to do. You wish you knew. He looks up at you and nods towards Sollux. “Take him home. He shouldn’t be here.” He says solemnly before walking away. You hesitantly try to grab Sollux’s shoulder but he’s already on his feet. You have to start running again to catch up with his as he jogs back through the trees the park. Your pants are soaked and you’re not even sure if you’ll ever be warm again when you catch back up to him.

The kid from before is gone and it’s just Sollux, standing in the middle of the jungle gym, looking up at the sky. You watch as he tears off his bag and starts pulling out the gift he bought for Aradia.

“Sollux…” You start, but it’s already too late. He starts to tear open the package and smash the tools to bits.

“WHY? Why her?! Why couldn’t it be me!? It should have been me!” he screams, tears still pouring down his face as he snaps a particularly expensive trowel in half. You do nothing. You just watch as he loses it. You don’t think you’ve ever seen anything so sad in your entire life. Sollux continues to smash the gift with pain etched on his face, screaming and yelling obscenities into the sky, looking as though he needed to blame someone else. You don’t need to ask him to know that he already blames himself. Eventually he runs out of tools and just starts punching the metal poles holding together the playground, his fists bleeding.

“Sollux! Fucking stop! Stop. Punching shit isn’t going to bring her back,” you say, joining him as he collapses back to the ground, not caring about the slush. He holds his head in his hands and lets out a weak sob, his voice hoarse from screaming and crying.

“It should have been me,” he mumbles.

“It shouldn’t have been her,” you say.

You don’t know what to do after that, so you just sit down beside your friend while he cries, not saying a damn word.

==> WONDER WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

 The two of you sit in the park for hours but you don’t mind. Sollux isn’t the only one who’s upset about this. The entire time you both sit there the phrase it should have been me flashes over in your mind a thousand times and you know that Aradia didn’t deserve this, and you know that Sollux doesn’t deserve the amount of guilt that’s going to haunt him for the rest of his life.  While you’re both sitting there he doesn’t say a word, except once, when he managed to bring himself to look up and notice the sun setting. You wish he didn’t say anything.

“It’s funny,” he laughs, sounding far too broken for anything to be funny. “When I woke up this morning I was going to be with the girl I love, but when I go to bed tonight I know that I’ll never see her again. This is just fucked up,” he says, resigning himself to sadness. Soon after he tells you that he needs to go home and just be alone for a while. You nod and understand, swallowing hard as he walks away.

You have no idea how Sollux is going to go home and face anyone, and frankly you have no damn idea if you can do it yourself. You don’t know how things could possibly get shittier then they are now. As you stand up after Sollux goes you realize that everything feels numb, but, it’s felt like that for longer than you want to admit.

Your jeans are still damp and you’re fairly cold now, sitting in slush sort of does that to a person. You absentmindedly walk to the corner store at the end of the street, not really thinking about where you’re going. You just know that you need something warm and home seems too far.

The door jingles as you walk in and you head straight for the coffee station at the far end of the store, at least it warms in here. You pour yourself your usual coffee, which consists of like a thousand sugars and creams because you’re a giant fucking wimp when it comes to your coffee and you sip on it as you walk to the candy section, looking at all the little cakes and cookies they sell in the tiny packages.

Then you just start fucking crying.

You try not to at first, but when you look at the stupid cookies you remember how excited Aradia was about her fucking bake sale and tears don’t stop coming out. Everything comes crashing down in a rush of sadness and anxiety as you as you stand in the fucking candy aisle of the shitty corner store at the end of the street. Aradia is gone, she’s fucking gone. The first person at any school that has ever been a decent fucking human being is gone and it’s not fair. You should have gone to those stupid meetings, she needed you there and you didn’t goddamn show up and now she’s dead and there won’t be any more meetings for you to go to. There are so many reasons why she shouldn’t be gone but she just fucking is and it feels like someone just chunked out a hole in your entire life.

You’re not really sure how much more of people leaving you can handle.

You sniffle and wipe your face, taking off your shades and shoving them into your pocket. Your face is  still burning red and swollen as you grab your shit and go the cash. You throw your stuff on the counter and pull out your wallet.

“ That will be- Dave?”

You look up and see John standing behind the counter and mentally punch yourself in the face. You fucking forgot that he works here and there he is, staring at you all fucking blue-eyed and buck-teethed and you hate yourself. Suddenly you feel the overwhelming absence of your shades as he looks into your eyes, his full of some fake-ass concern you sure he managed to draw up.

“Are you ok?” he asks you, taking your money and asking you like he actually gives a fuck. You laugh, and awkward forceful laugh and grab your shit. 

“Fucking peachy,” you say, voice cracking as you resist the urge to go tell John to suck a dick. With that you practically run out of the store, spilling your coffee on yourself as you half-jog back. You swear and think that things can’t really get much worse for you.

But hey, there is always tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, sad shit coming man. But yeah, sorry about how late this update is, I found this chapter really hard to write so it was a little hard to crank out, plus I haven't had anytime to myself in weeks. Hopefully since I don't work this month the next one will be quicker. I already have a couple pages done. Thank you for all your support and comments! :3


	14. WHAT IN THE NAME OF DONALD DUCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am homestuck trash. John realizes he is fucking stupid. Everyone yells at him anyway.

==> BE THE KID WHO MIGHT HAVE FUCKED UP

That’s you, John, the kid who not just MIGHT have fucked up, but probably DID.

You’re currently sitting on Vriska’s bed. Her room is a lot darker than yours is, and her walls are painted a dark blue and grey. You’ve managed to memorize every detail of them in the past half-hour you’ve been staring at them, from her Marvel posters to her collection of various shades of blue lipstick scattered on top of her dresser. She just sort of left you here, saying something about her mom flipping out, and you can sort of hear them yelling at each other downstairs. This happens a lot; well, usually under different circumstances, but it still happens none the less. You go over to Vriska’s house to make out, her mom comes home and starts bitching that she hasn’t made supper yet, and Vriska flashes you the look that says “why aren’t you gone yet?”

This time is a little different, though. You haven’t even put your shirt back on yet. You sort of thought that losing your virginity would be…better. Not that you didn’t have a good time! Well, you sort of only lasted like ten minutes, but she said it was fine. You just thought you wouldn’t feel so… empty?

You always thought that losing your virginity would be this awesome time; yeah, you know it might not have been the best but you thought it would be sort of romantic, and with the girl you love. You thought that the two of you could cuddle and watch Ghostbusters, all of them through the rest of the night, then have one of those moments where you look at her and everything feels right, that you know you made the right decision and that this is the girl you want to marry someday.

Instead, Vriska dragged you back to her house in the middle of you explaining something and told you to bring a condom, and well, it’s not like you were gonna say no! So you did, and she tore off your shirt, told you to shut up, and let you figure out the rest for yourself. Now you’re just waiting for her to come back with the lights still off. It’s been at least forty minutes now. You wait another five before she walks in and slams the door behind her. You watch as she pulls her shirt back over her lacy bra and groans. She gives you the look she always does when she fights with her mom.

“Are you ok?” you ask her; she shoots you a look and rolls her eyes.

“Yeah I’m fine, my mom is just demanding. She was pissed off because I didn’t warn her ahead of time that you would be here. She freaks out a lot. But she means well, I know she does,” she says, running her hands through her hair. It’s still messy from before. You think this should make you feel good but you just sort of feel guilty instead, like you’ve betrayed someone by sleeping with her. She looks at you and smiles a little, grabbing you and kissing the corner of your mouth. You smile softly and pull her close to you as she nuzzles into your chest.

“Wait so… you went down there like that? Doesn’t that mean your mom…?”

“Knows?” she asks. You half nod and she laughs. “Yeah! Of course she fucking knows, she’s not stupid, John. We weren’t exactly quiet, either. She’s sort of pissed about it though, wishes I would have told her.” She’s quiet for a few minutes and looks around her room. “So… this is awkward but you actually need to get out of here,” she says flatly, looking up at your with her big, dark eyes.

“Oh. Yeah, ok. Do you want to come back to my place or something? We can watch movies and you can even make fun of them if you want!” you say, affectionately placing a kiss on her neck. She hums before pulling herself away from you, her hands cold despite how warm it is in the house.

“Ah, thanks but no thanks, I’ll pass. I have some shit I have to get done around here. Why don’t you see if Karkat will hang out or something, Pyrope says he won’t quit complaining that all of his friends have left him for dead. So, go talk to him,” she says, rubbing her arm and awkwardly waiting for you to pull your clothes back on so you can go. You grab your t-shirt and pull it over your head, looking around for your socks in silent. When you find them Vriska walks you down the stairs of her house and gives you a quick peck before sending you out the door.

You sort of just stand there for a minute staring at her old house, wondering if any of that just happened before you manage to tear yourself away and walk back home. This is basically exactly what happens every time you and Vriska hang out; you don’t know why you thought this time would be different. Sometimes you think that she’s just using you to get out her frustrations at everyone else. You only meet up, make out, and leave. Aside from eating lunch together at school, that’s basically your entire relationship with her. You seem to remember it a little differently when you dated in Grade 11. She just seemed like some sort of dream come true back then; now she just seems like a disappointment.

You sigh and text Karkat, asking if he wants to maybe hangout because Vriska is being really weird lately.  After you came home from work yesterday she was so quiet, and today she just tore at you like it was her last day on earth and then left. As a matter of fact, now that you think about it, a lot of weird stuff happened yesterday. You didn’t see Jane until really late last night, some girl got hit by a train, and you think you might have seen Dave crying.

Speaking of Dave….

Things with you and Dave are sort of non-existent at the moment.

After the thing that happened between the two of you on New Year’s you can’t really look him in the eye. You don’t know if he feels anything towards you, but you know that you can’t feel anything towards him. You aren’t attracted to guys first of all! At least you don’t think you are; at least, you’ve never really found guys attractive before. Then again, you sort of don’t find a lot of girls attractive either. You’re really only attracted to anyone you really like. That’s not the point though, the point is you’re not gay, and you’re not gay for Dave.

….

If he were a girl, maybe things would be different. It’s not like you don’t like him! He is still one of the closest friends you’ve ever had. You laugh a little to yourself, wondering what you would have thought a year ago now. You’re glad you gave him that chance.

You miss him.

You miss him a lot more than you want to admit. Sometimes you see him playing guitar, or messing around with his comics through his window, and you think that you should text him, ask him if he wants to hang out again. But you’ve avoided him for too long, things are weird now. As far as you know, things aren’t just weird, but sort of awful for Dave.

Despite the fact that he thinks he can hide it, you know that he gets the crap beat out of him at school.  You know that when he doesn’t go to Archaeology Club after school that someone kicks the bejesus out of him. You don’t know who, or where, otherwise you would try to stop them, but he would never tell you that. You also know he doesn’t go to the club hardly ever anymore, mostly because you’re in it, so you feel partly at fault when you see him tending to a black eye from your window. 

Stupid Dave! You’re so frustrated that things had to get weird! Why did he have to kiss you at New Year’s? Why did he have to make everything change?

So you guess that maybe you started the porn thing, and it’s not really like you didn’t kiss him back on New Year’s. But you were drunk! That’s different!

You start to get worked up when your phone beeps and breaks you out of your thoughts. Its Karkat, he says he’ll meet you at the local diner in twenty.  You send him back a quick reply agreeing and turn around to meet him, hoping that you could somehow avoid the topic of anything that has happened today at all.

==> GIVE INTO FATE

Your fate happens to be Karkat passive-aggressively sipping a strawberry milkshake while staring you down in a diner. You know he’s staring you down because somehow you’ve managed to avoid this conversation for the past two months by some miracle of god. Every time someone comes around giving you that look where they want to talk about feelings you basically run as fast as you can. Although you’re sort of worried that you might have missed out on some other stuff. You think Rose and Kanaya broke up. Karkat and Jade are weird as always. You’ve sort of missed out on everything by dating Vriska and avoiding people you guess.

Though, you’ve trapped yourself in this one. Karkat seems to be thinking the same thing as his eyes lock on you, one of his eyebrows raised like a challenge. You fiddle with your own shake awkwardly, whistling loudly as you stare out the window. You stop and cough before managing to get something out to break the silence.

“Aha, nice day we’re having, right Karkat? Sure looks like a great day to have a ton of idle conversation to pass the time,” you stammer, still avoiding his eyes. Karkat laughs, well it sounds more like a bark then anything and sets down his shake.

“It really fucking is John. You know what? I have a goddamn delightful idea? Why don’t we talk about your friends? For example, how’s Dave?” he growls and you know that you’re trapped. You sigh and take a long sip of your shake. You honestly don’t even know where to start so you just look at him and give it your best shot.

“I dunno, I haven’t talked to him in two months,” you mumble, stirring your shake with your straw. Karkat grumbles something you don’t understand and then slams his fist on the table.

“No fucking shit you haven’t, John! None of us have! Not really. I don’t know if you’re aware but you know that girl who got fucking killed by that train? If you were using your goddamn useless pile of goo you call a brain you would fucking know that it was Aradia.” He pauses, his voice going a little soft at the end of it. You’re pretty sure your mouth is hanging open, so you softly close it and look down at the table. You had no idea. You didn’t get to talk to Aradia much, even being in the club you just didn’t.  She always seemed so nice though. She didn’t deserve this. No one does.

“No…” you say while Karkat nods seriously. You start to think not only about Aradia, but Sollux; he must be fucking chunks of sad guy on the ground.  And Dave….she was the first person who ever tried really talking to him here. Not a lot of people know that, but he mentioned it once when you brought her up at a sleepover. He said it quietly like it didn’t matter if you heard it or not. You did. No wonder…you swear when you saw him yesterday, he was crying.

“You wouldn’t know that though, would you John? You’ve been too busy lusting after Serket and her fucking demon siren call. I actually fucking thought that even Vriska would be upset about Aradia. I guess some shit never changes,” he says solemnly. You give a slow nod and can feel guilt creep into your chest. That’s why Vriska was acting so weird yesterday.

It’s probably why you lost your virginity.

She was just taking out her frustrations on you. You feel dirty, like she used you. Suddenly you want out of your clothes you were so happy to be in ten minutes ago and you just want to go home and feel bad for yourself.

Except, that would be stupid, you can’t even imagine feeling bad for yourself when everyone else is feeling so much worse.

Karkat stares at you and sighs, seeming to feel a little bad for you, you mean, he did kind of drop a bomb on you here! “Look,” He says, pausing to take another sip of his shake. “I know you didn’t know, but all I’m fucking saying is that maybe you should quit pissing your pants about talking to Strider, the guy doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. Not me, not you,” he finishes. More guilt. You didn’t realize that you being around everyone all the time would make it weird for Dave; or maybe you did, and you just didn’t think about it.

“You don’t get it! It’s not that easy. Things are different now. We’ve drifted apart. I don’t want-“

“You don’t want what John? To be a shitty fucking friend? Well goddamn might as well sit in your timeout dumb-dumb because you already fucked that one in the ass months ago! Maybe it’s time to take your melon head out of your ass and man the fuck up already! What could possibly be so bad that you can’t even look at the guy anymore?!” he demands. A couple of people look over from other tables the more he raises his voice. “Is this still about the kiss?”

“What?”

“The kiss.  You know? When you and Dave…kissed. On New Year’s,” he says simply, like it’s a well-known fact. You flush and start sputtering various words.

“I- What? How do you know about that?” you ask him, face still burning.

Karkat also blushes and avoids your eyes. “It’s just sort of a fact; it was mostly a dare. The Striders told me about it beforehand. Also, I saw you,” he says, like he is telling you things you’re already supposed to know. You, despite common knowledge did not know that. You expect a flood of relief and you are, but there also might be a part of you that’s a little…hurt? Disappointed?

“I didn’t know it was a dare. Also, from what I heard, it…wasn’t just one kiss,” you mumble.

“The dare was just one kiss. So it was probably just one,” he says, still not looking in your eyes. You have a feeling he’s still not telling you something, but you ignore it.

“That changes things,” you say slowly, and suddenly you realize that you can be friends with Dave again, and everything can go back to normal. Well, mostly. You decide that maybe the night after New Years could just be something that was between friends.

“It doesn’t change fucking shit, John! You think you can just pretend the guy doesn’t exist for two months and you can just go skipping back like every goddamn thing is hunky-fucking-dory? No, asshole. The world doesn’t work that way. I don’t even know why him kissing you would change anything in the first place,” Karkat fumes, more people looking at you. A waitress glares at the both of you and you try to speak in a calm tone of voice.

“I was just worried. I didn’t want to hurt him,” you say, fumbling with your sleeves. Karkat looks like he’s going to blow a gasket.

“Well, you did a fantastic fucking job there, John. You should really teach a course on how to not fucking hurt someone’s feelings; no, really, we could all learn so much. Please, enlighten me you OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK,” he says, yelling the last part. The waitress comes over and politely asks you to leave and you nod, and drag Karkat out by the sleeves of his coat that is way too big for him and too warm for this time of year.

You both stand awkwardly outside of the diner, soaking in the silence. You turn to him and feel your eyebrows knitting together.

“I fucked up,” you mumble, rubbing your arms as the wind sends chills down your spine. Karkat spins to face you and gives you a look at screamed ‘no fucking shit Sherlock’ and you sigh. “I guess I should get going, ya know, to fix stuff.”  

You the start the walk home, and this time at least it isn’t as lonely. You feel like for the first time in the past two months, you’re not gonna mess this up, you’re actually gonna fix something.

The only part that sorta starts to suck is the rain. There’s still slush on the ground, but it’s getting dark now and it’s still cold enough for the rain to sting when it hits your face. You don’t really think too much when you walk, instead you just focus on the sound of the rain hitting your hoodie and shiver, finding yourself back on your street.

You stand at the front of your house, facing the Strider’s. The net thing you know you’re standing at their door with no idea what to say. What even would you say? “Hi Dave, sorry I thought we got kinda gay there for a while and I panicked, sucks you have such a shitty friend, wanna hang?”

No, that would be dumb.

First of all, that’s a run-on sentence, and grammar is important! Second of all, no person in their right mind would accept that apology. You’ve sort of been a terrible person that last couple of months.

You guess you would understand it if he never spoke to you again. It makes sense, heck you wouldn’t talk to you either. Actually you would probably just punch yourself in the face. The more you brood the more you feel like Karkat. You snap your fingers and ring the doorbell, once again the Strider’s ridiculously long doorbell draws itself out even though the eldest of the Strider’s immediately answers.

“Oh, I thought…” you start, not really expecting _him_ to answer the door. Bro laughs and leans against the doorway.

“That Dave would answer? Sorry kid, for once he’s not fucking home,” he says, and you can tell he’s rolling his eyes from behind the dark of shades.

“Sorry for bothering you, I’ll just-“ you mumble, moving to going back home, maybe to change out of your wet hoodie, when Bro stops you, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“I know that ain’t any of my business but…where the fuck have you been, Egbert?” he asks, and your guilt from earlier comes back with a vengeance. “We thought- it’s been a while. What’s been going on?”  

You look down at the ground and shift uncomfortably.

“I…things just didn’t happen. We…drifted. It happens,” you stammer, still not looking at him. After a moment of silence you look up, and Bro quirks his brow and drags you inside.

“Dirk! Get your ass down here; family meeting!” Bro yells, dragging you into the kitchen. You narrowly avoid a sword and a couple of Smuppets as you’re forced into a chair. Dirk silently appears in the doorway, and also quirks a brow. You can’t help but think that he looks nearly identical to his brother minus about 10 years. You feel yourself tense as they both sit across from you.

“Alright John, tell us what in the name of Donald Duck has been up with Dave n’ you?” he asks, drawling in his thick Texan accent. Dirk’s face clears with realization and he turns to face you, also looking curious. It didn’t really occur to you that everyone else would notice you and Dave not really hanging out anymore. You guess it makes sense that the Striders would, though; you were only over here every other day. So you decide that apparently since EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS you might as well tell the Striders too.

“Things got sorta weird after New Year’s,” you start, looking between the both of them. They both stare at you, and you feel yourself getting nervous. Did Dave really not say anything? The fact that you can’t see their eyes makes it feel like they’re staring into your soul. You try to continue but you start to panic a little, feeling like one of the perps in Jane’s movies being pulled in downtown for interrogation. “Can you guys take those things off? It freaks me out.”

They both sigh and take off their shades, a lot more compliant than Dave ever was. You quickly come to the conclusion that their eyes probably aren’t as bad because the kitchen lights are still buzzing above you. You also noticed that instead of bright red like Dave’s, the other Striders have more orange-coloured eyes. Why the fuck do they all have weird eyes? Fucking Striders.

“Spit it out John, I have people to see,” Dirk says, getting impatient. You briefly wonder if it’s Jake he’s so eager to see. Probably, as far as you know ever since New Year’s they’ve sort of been “unofficially” dating. Well, every time you see Jake with Dirk it’s usually because you accidentally walk in on the, making out. Which is awful, by the way, and you don’t recommend it.

“I dunno…didn’t he say anything? We just kissed and junk. I thought that maybe he might like me or something and I flipped out and overreacted. Like-like me, I mean,“ you say quietly, wondering if this is weird, to be telling Dave’s brothers what happened. They probably already know though and just want to hear it from you. Guilt still rages on inside of you and you sort of wish that Dave was here so you could just apologize to him instead of dragging it out by RE-explaining things to his brothers.

“So you decided the best way to handle it was not talking to him for two months while going out with that girl with the blue highlights?” Dirk asks you, giving you a look that makes you feel even more stupid than before.

“Isn’t that the girl who seared off half the football teams eyebrows back in the day?” Bro asks and you don’t even bother questioning him on how he knows that.

“I wasn’t handling it, okay! I just didn’t want him to just keep liking me when it couldn’t happen. I’m not gay. I have a girlfriend,” you do your best not to mention that she’s been definitely using you for the good part of the last month, which you’re coming to realize more and more. Vriska only ever wanted you because she didn’t have you before and for once you were actually ok with that. Its not like you aren’t really using her either though.

“Have you ever thought that maybe Dave doesn’t like you? The kiss _was_ only a dare, kid,” Bro says, rolling his eyes at you. Despite the fact you now have knowledge that all Strider’s definitely roll their eyes at people all the time you blush because you know that Bro is right.

“I know that now! Why do you think I’m here?!” you shout, throwing your hands in the air. Dirk laughs and Bro smirks at you.

“You think Dave is just gonna crawl back to you like a caterpillar on a shag rug of leaves? The kid has a little more balls that, man. You gotta start making shit up to him,” Bro says, shrugging his shoulders. You feel a twinge of irritation. It’s not like you ASKED for Dave to kiss you! If he didn’t want any repercussions, then he shouldn’t have done it! You’re about to say such when you realize that it doesn’t matter, you still are the one that left him alone for months when you never really even bothered to ask him his side of the story.

“Yeah dude, you gotta start sucking up,” Dirk says. You nod and sigh, sinking lower into your chair.

“I don’t even know where to start,” you mutter, wondering if you should like send him a flower basket or something? How do you even apologize for something like this? You have no idea, and just as you’re about to ask, the front door slams and you watch Dave walk past the kitchen door and throw down his bag, his hair dripping wet. Dirk gives you a look that says now is a good time to start. You lick your lips and start pulling yourself up from the chair when he walks in and dims the lights, taking off his shades. He looks up at the three of you and his eyes widen. You swear there might be a second where he flushes before his eyebrows furrow and he glares at you.

“Dave! Listen I-“ before you can even get the rest of anything out, he flash-steps out of the room and up the stairs. You hear his door slam before you can even run after him. You follow him anyway, tripping up the staircase and knocking on his door.

“No,” he mumbles from the other side. You sigh. Despite how cool Dave tries to act he is pretty much a two year old half the time.

“Dave, can’t we just talk!” you ask, leaning your head against the door. You hear him shuffling around in his bed like he’s going under the covers.

“Fuck off, John.”

“Dave, please! I’m sorry, alright! I was stupid and wrong! I didn’t mean to ruin everything, I just freaked out! It wasn’t fair and I’m a dick and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Yet I haven’t seen you around in months. Go the fuck away, John,” he growls, and you sort of didn’t expect him to be as hostile sounding as he is.

“Dave, I need you! Come on. You’re the only one who actually noticed something was wrong when that asshole football guy beat me up! Who else is gonna dance to 70’s classics with me?!” you add, hoping that reminding him that you sort of need him might coax him to come out.

“Get your girlfriend to!” he says, and something thuds against the door like he chucked something at it. You sigh and throw in your last effort.

 “You’re my best friend Dave. I miss you,” you finish quietly, sliding your back against the door. Dave doesn’t answer so you just stay there, hoping maybe he’ll come out.

He doesn’t.

You can hear him turning up music to drown anything else you say and you just sit there for a minute, realizing that getting Dave back isn’t going to be as easy as you hoped. You start to reconsider the flower basket. What kind of flowers are you supposed to even give someone in this situation?

 Bro walks up the stairs, shades back on his face, and looks down at you.

“Nothing?” he asks, holding out his hand for you to get back up. You sigh and shake your head.  He nods understandingly and slaps you once on the back.

“Well, don’t give up, kid. Dirk and I will try to say something but I doubt he’s gonna just jump back into your arms. Give him time,” he says, giving you a little bit of a sympathetic look but you can tell that the Striders are sort of mad that you left Dave alone too. At least his brothers are a lot more forgiving than he is.

“Thanks. See ya around,” you say, grabbing your bag and heading out the door. It’s still raining as you walk back across the street.

==> BE THE MAN, BREAK A HEART.

Well, you’re not exactly breaking any hearts here, really. Breaking up with Vriska is a lot easier than you expect it to be. When you meet up with her exactly a day later she looks like she’s almost already prepared, if not relived, that you’re leaving.

“Are you sure you’re, I dunno, okay with this? Like you’re not just gonna say you’re fine and I’m gonna find flaming poo on my door or something, right?” you ask her, chewing on your lip. She snorts and puts her hand on your shoulder.

“Trust me, John, I’ll somehow manage, I’m sure. This was a long-time coming, anyway. We just don’t work out. Sorry kid,” she says and you actually feel sort of sad about this. You’re the one breaking up with her, shouldn’t it be the other way around?

You give her a strange look and she salutes you as she walks off, her long blond hair swinging behind her. For a brief second you wonder if you’re making the right choice. You can still smell her perfume on your clothes and she smells like blueberry cheesecake and freshly washed jeans. It’s just so weird how you know that, and you basically decide that it’s probably better off this way.

You’ll get over Vriska.

As you finally watch her turn the corner of her street to go home, you flop onto your front step and try to think of what you can do to make Dave forgive you. You’ve tried messaging him on every form of media that you’re sorry. Your family and friends have all given you suggestions (even though you haven’t asked for any of them) and you might actually use a couple. All you know is that you need to fix this.

Dave is too important not too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting school again so not too sure how much I will update but it sort of looks like once a month is the norm, the next chapter should be a LITTLE happier than this one, so that's fun. There will still be some sads though. Once again I do promise happy endings shoosh.


	15. GUILT CAKES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave makes some pretty stupid decisions, John is a giant fucking dweeb who dances in his pajamas and Dirk proves to be a better bro than we originally thought. Also KINDA NSFW CHAPTER.

==> BE THE GUY WHO IS JUST PISSED

The day after John apologized for the first time, you’d never been so mad in your entire life. First of all, how fucking dare he? He ignores you for two months and then knocks on your door like everything is hunky-fucking-dory. You almost slipped, too. You could hear him just on the outside of your door and every part of you wanted to let him in, tell him that it doesn’t matter and you can go on pretending that you’re not a little bit in love with him, which you’ve basically accepted by now. You know it’s not just a crush any more. Nothing makes you feel more like a giant loser nerd who craps their pants every time they get a boner than being in love. You can probably list a thousand things you would rather do than be in love:

  1.        Shave old men for free and use their hair to stuff your pillows
  2.        Probably other gross stuff



You’ve never liked anyone as much as you like John. Despite how much he hurt you, despite how much you know it can’t happen, you still find yourself staring out your window at his, wishing he would open it and you could tell him that you forgive him and you could both run to each other in slow motion and Celine Dion could play in the background.

But you can’t forgive him.

Not right now anyway. You can’t do this to yourself anymore. It would be fucking ridiculous, first of all. John was a giant hat of dicks to you for the best part of the last two months and all because of some SLIGHTLY gay shit that went down. Okay, to be fair, it was hella fucking gay. One a scale of one to gay, you were already boning a unicorn in the ass that came rainbows, but that’s beside the point. You thought you were bros. You can’t keep pretending that this doesn’t matter when it does.

That’s why you didn’t give in. You didn’t give in when he said he missed you because if he missed you, why didn’t he come back sooner?

You try to ignore all of that as you sit sulking in your room a week later. Dirk and Bro have tried to ask you to forgive him, but you shut that train down pretty quickly. You just can’t, not yet. Some part of you knows that you’ll forgive him, but you can’t do it right now. You have to figure some stuff out about yourself first.

Dirk did manage to convince you to go to the bar tonight, though. Normally you would shut him down, because bars aren’t really your scene. You don’t need girls ruffling your hair and telling you that you smell just like their Dad all night, no thank you, but Dirk said that he got you both fake ID’s and he would take you to the local gay bar instead. No girls allowed on Fridays - a little misogynistic but you pretty much had to agree to go. Bro didn’t really seem to give you an option anyway, it was either that or strife until you give in.

You stare at yourself in the mirror. It’s getting dark outside and the lights in your room are dim, so you take off your shades and glare your reflection. Your red eyes are complimented by dark circles underneath them, and your freckles still refuse to shrink in numbers. Most people don’t really notice them because of the shades and how pale you are, but it’s the only slight pigment you have in your skin anywhere. You sigh and fix your hair until it lies flat and pull on your douchey leather jacket and black jeans. You don’t really look any different than you usually do. The same red t-shirt and Converse, the same shades you slide back onto your face. You guess some things never change.

After one last long look in your mirror you groan and turn away, shutting your door and walking downstairs. Bro smirks at you when you walks by and shoves something into your hands. You look down and roll your eyes.

It’s a cake.

Every day this week John, has left a cake on your front doorstep made with different apologies in the icing. You think he does it because he wants you to know how much he’s suffering, because you know he _hates_ baking. You doubt it though. To be honest, it’s probably not even him who is making them. Maybe it’s Jane or something, she seems to care more than he does. Besides, you think bitterly, he’s probably way too busy with his girlfriend to bake you anything. Today’s cake had a crudely drawn picture of apple juice on it and the words “I’m sorry” written in red icing.

Bro gives you a look that says something along the lines of “that is the gayest goddamn thing I have ever seen when is the fucking wedding” so you decide to give him a look that says “please shove a variety of poisonous amphibians so far up your asshole you start to evolve”.

You know that he doesn’t mind the cake’s coming everyday though. As long as they don’t explode everyone in your house is pretty much down for John’s guilt cakes but you.

Dirk interrupts your staring contest and snorts. “Another one? Damn, the thirst is goddamn unreal on that kid. Dave just spare the guy some embarrassment and forgive him,” he suggests. You ignore him and put the cake on the table in the kitchen. When you come back Dirk looks ready to leave and Bro gives you the regular bar speech.

“No candy from strangers, don’t jump off bridges unless it’s awesome, if a man in a white van pulls over and tells you he has a puppy make sure the puppy is choice first, an apple a day keeps the doctor away and don’t forget to floss. Are we clear?” Bro says, hands on his hips like he was in the standing for top model. You and Dirk both wave him off and head for the car.

The drive to the bar is fairly short; at least, shorter than you expected. In Texas, if you were in a big city, bars were never really hard to find. You at least thought you would have to look a little through downtown though before you found the one you guys were looking for. You guess the whole city isn’t bent on suburbia. Dirk pulls into the parking lot and gives you a small smile before shutting down the car and slamming the door. The bar isn’t anything you haven’t seen before, it’s just a small black building wedged between what looks like a restaurant and another nightclub. It has its usual bar suspects too: the sketchy guy looking for a smoke, the guy who got way too drunk way too early, a weird amount of parking log pigeons.

“Are you sure you should even been hanging around this place? Don’t you have the dokis for your bf or something?” you ask Dirk, kind of hoping that maybe he would pretend that he didn’t for a night so you could have a wingman.

You and Dirk have always sort of had a deal when you go to bars or clubs. If one of you was trying to make a move on someone you would always have the other guy spills his drink or almost spill his drink on the honey of interest. Then the other would swoop in and help clean up, being the hero. It’s gotten Dirk laid a couple of times, but you always chicken out before you can even kiss the guy. As much as you want to be all suave and fucking cool as shit, you always bitch out before it actually counts.

You aren’t going to abscond tonight though. You can’t.

You’ve decided that ever actually liking someone who legitimately likes you back just…isn’t going to happen. As much as the deep dark pits of your cold heart still demand to be loved, you know that shit just ain’t gonna fly. So, tonight you decide that you’re just going to sleep with whoever you damn well feel. It’s not like it matters anyway. You just want to get it over with and forget about everything that is going on for one fucking night.

You don’t tell anyone else this though, not even Rose. You know that everyone would just disagree and say that you’re being stupid. You know you’re not, though; you don’t think anyone in your 18 years of life has ever even expressed a remote interest in you ever. You were stupid. You let yourself slip with John and now you know that you…sort of love him. You need to get over it. Being in love is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever experienced and you’re not about to slip up. You never will again.

Dirk looks at you for a moment, like he’s trying to figure out why you would need a wingman in the first place. But he looks away and shrugs instead. “It’s cool. Jake’s fine with it, ‘sides when you get in you get a red or green arm band so people know if you’re hittin’ it with a honey or not,” he says, walking ahead of you and flashing his ID at the bouncer. You shudder a little, not really wanting to think about Dirk “hittin” any sort of honey, especially Jake.  You flash your ID as well and he allows you both in and you grab your respective armbands.

==> DO YOUR GROOVE THANG

You’ve yet to do any sort of groove thing, but the place is a lot nicer than you expected from the outside. Definitely not the fanciest place you’ve been, but you’ve seen worse. The music is typical of any sort of gay club. They are playing a remix of “Summertime Sadness” and you can’t help but think that it’s not even summertime. You’re about to have a few words with whoever is in charge of the music, but Dirk drags you away to the bar and pats a stool right next to him. He orders you both a couple of shots and you oblige, though you haven’t taken a single drink since New Year’s. You had this weird little thing where you decided that since the last time you drank you pretty much made the worst decision of your life that you wouldn’t do it again. But while you’re sitting at the bar with your brother while he downs his shot of whiskey, you decide that you couldn’t give less of a fuck.

The shot goes down smoother than you expected, but it bites at the end. You managed to shudder as little as possible before Dirk orders the both of you another round. You suck that one back too and he turns and slaps you on the back, facing you to the crowd of dancing men.

There are kind of a lot. It might be the whisky or it might be the loneliness but at least some of them look like your type. You’re not really into the whole obviously flamboyant, look-at-how-gay-I-am sort of guy. Then again you’ve never really been into the whole I’M SO MANLY I TAKE SEVERAL DICKS AT ONCE AND HAVE SO MUCH BODY HAIR YOU NEED A MACHETE TO CUT THROUGH THE JUGLE OF HAIR SURROUNDING MY DICK sort of guy either. You just like people who seem like… you don’t know? Normal guys? What you’re saying is you like guys who just seem to be just as awkward about how gay they are as you. 

Dirk shoves you a little towards the dance floor and you swallow audibly. It doesn’t matter though, you’re Dave fucking Strider and you’re not scared of some horny dancing guys in a club. You eat guys like this for breakfast.

Okay, that was definitely some guy’s dick against your ass.

You try your hardest not to yelp away from the various sweaty men trying to grind up against but you fail miserably. In fact, you nope so hard you find yourself back at the bar in under five minutes downing another shot with Dirk nowhere to be seen.  You knew he would do this that fucking asshole. He wants you to chat up some random guy in the bar to go possibly make out with in an alley way while he waits in the car listening to J-Pop on full blast, probably thinking that getting over John only needs one trip to the gay bar and you’re scot-free.

You hope that he’s right.

It takes all of thirty seconds for someone to offer to buy you a drink. It’s not even the least bit classy either, the guy just plops himself beside you and orders a beer for him and yourself without even thinking. You turn towards him and smirk.

“Is that how you usually move in on a guy?” you ask, and despite the fact that you are fifty shades of a goddamn wreck right now, you’re glad that your voice doesn’t show it. “Just drinks with no choice involved?”

The guy gives a short, barking laugh, and smiles at you; actually, if anything, it’s more like a grin. Aside from the fact that he has a gold tooth (?), he’s not terrible looking. His head is shaved and he has dark eyes; in the light they look sort of red though, like yours. He doesn’t seem too very tall and he is wearing suspenders over a t-shirt and dark pants. He is cute enough, you guess.

“Yeah, usually. So, you got a name?” he asks, nodding at the guy who hands him his beer. You grab yours as well and take a quick sip. When you set it back down you realize that you’re already pretty tipsy. By that, you mean that you start to forget about being nervous.

“Dave. Just call me Dave. For the love of fucking god don’t call me David unless you’re my twin sister and want me to yell at you until I finish my Reese Puffs,” you say, holding out your hand. He looks at you for a second like he’s seen you before but shrugs it off and offers you his hand as well.

“Caliborn. All right, I won’t fucking call you David,” he laughs again. You both shoot the shit for a couple minutes after that. “So, you got a twin sister too? If anything is the fucking worst it’s a goddamn twin sister,” he says, eyes full of malice. This guy must really hate his sister.

“Ahh, I dunno, they aren’t that bad. What’s so shitty about yours? She doesn’t make passive-aggressive notes for every surface of your house does she?” you ask, folding your hands over your drink. Caliborn shakes his head and stares at the bar, looking as if he’s wondering if he wants to tell you or not. You only met two minutes ago.

“Think of the happiest, most sickeningly sweet girl you could ask for, then times that by about a fucking thousand. All she ever does is tell me how much she cares about me and tries to get me to go out to all her fucking volunteering. She just lives to be better at everything. That goddamn bitch,” he growls, staring into his drink.

You nod sympathetically but think that his sister actually sounds pretty goddamn nice. You wish Rose would strive for world peace rather than trying to raise the dead in her free time. As much as you love your dear sister, she’s pretty fucking weird. Then again, you sort of all are.

“That’s pretty shitty. My sister is more or less built to torture me until I die a slow and painful death begging for her to just end my life. She would probably just smirk and ask me what the fucking magic word is. The witch lives to passive-aggressively invade my every day in any way possible.  If she can silently hint at me that I look ridiculous or that I have toothpaste on my shirt 20 times a day then she feels so goddamn good about herself. It’s not just her either!” you say, getting a little loud. “It’s my whole fucking family. Right now my brother is probably yoking it the fuck up in a corner watching me complain to you.” Caliborn nods and slaps a hand on your shoulder.

The both of you continue to complain about your family for the next half hour. You find out that his Dad is the CEO of this big ass company and favours him, at least, instead of his sister, but you can tell that’s it’s probably a lot of pressure because he’s going to have to take over it one day. Especially since you found out that he had to drop out of school for getting in too many fights. Though, you think that this guy might not really be cut out for a CEO, anyway. Despite the fact that you talk a lot when you’re nervous, you can’t seem to get more than a sentence out before he goes off on another tangent. You also thought you were a vulgar guy until you heard Caliborn talk. You’ve never heard a guy so blatantly belittle women, hate on literally everything and seem like a total and complete asshole.

Yet after about a half hour of talking with this guy, he hops off the stool and nods his head towards the dance floor; you don’t even bother to decline and join him. He yanks your wrist through the crowd until you are mashed against two men grinding vigorously. Caliborn is still holding your wrist when he leans in close to you and places his mouth by your ear.

“You dance, don’t you, Dave?” he asks you, and you can feel his lips against your ear. You shiver a little and nod, letting him pull you close until you can feel him grinding against you. It’s a little awkward but there are definitely people who are doing worse so you go with and grind back the best you can. The music is a little too loud and you might be a little too drunk but the only thing you can think is that John would probably never do this with you, him being straight and all. So you grind against Caliborn anyway and let him nibble on your neck for as long as he wants.

It’s not that it doesn’t feel good; you’re a guy and if someone is repeatedly pushing themselves up on your dick while growling into your ears you’re probably gonna have a semi in the least. But when Caliborn trails his mouth from your neck to your lips you can’t help but notice how _wrong_ everything feels. His lips aren’t chapped the right way and his hands are softer than they should be. He has no hair for you to grab onto and he tastes a little like something you used to love to be honest.

You crush your lips against his anyway. You kiss him like tomorrow isn’t a thing and he’s the only thing you have left in this world because let’s be honest, it’s the closest you’ll ever get to having something in the first place.

With that depressing little thought hanging on the tip of your tongue, Caliborn captures it with his own and asks you if you maybe want to get out of here.

“I don’t have money for a cab,” you mumble into his lips and he looks back up at you, rolling his eyes and you really aren’t a fan of this guy, even if the flush of his cheeks is more attractive than you want to admit.

“We don’t have to go fucking far,” he growls, grabbing your waist with his disproportionately large hands and dragging you through the crowd and out the back door of the bar. You can’t help but think that his voice sounds awfully fucking familiar to someone you’ve heard before but you can’t place it. He leads you to where it appears they bring the garbage out to in a small alleyway and you can basically feel the romance reeking off of the place. You are going to have a fairy tale sex adventure you know that for fucking sure.

Caliborn gives you a quick strange look again before he shrugs and shoves you against the concrete wall, not even waiting to shove his tongue down your throat. Your head throbs angrily and he’s starting to taste like the beer you both sucked back, but you go with it, trying to keep down the small noises that occasionally escape you. Soon enough he is sliding his hands down the back of your jeans, grabbing your ass through your boxers and squeezing. You make another noise that you really can’t believe and keep making out, trying to ignore that you’re probably going to have sex with a guy for the first time in the back alley of a middle-class bar.

He presses himself against the front of your jeans and moans lewdly. You can feel his dick through the front of his jeans rubbing against yours and despite how incredibly uncomfortable you are, it still feels pretty good and you moan lightly in return, letting him pick you up so you can wrap your legs around his waist. He grinds into you more vigorously and your pants feel tighter and tighter.

“You fucking like that don’t you?” he breathes into your neck; the air so warm it makes you shiver, before biting down and sucking. You’re not really a fan of his stupid goddamn dirty talking, but since your life is turning out like a bad pay per view porn anyway, you make a small noise and nod, allowing him more room to suck on your neck.  He makes a ragged sigh before dropping you back down on your own two feet and biting your bottom lip between his teeth as he undoes the button on your jeans.  “All you goddamn fags are such whores,” he laughs, before taking your lips again. He reaches down to shove his hand down your pants before you grab his wrist. “What the fuck?” He breathes, looking in your shades before he smirks, realizing that you’ve finally remember where you’ve seen him before.

This is the guy who broke John’s fucking leg at Halloween. You don’t need to see him in the mask to tell; the way he called you a whore was enough.

“You’re on the fucking Derse football team aren’t you?” you ask him, feeling yourself getting angrier by the second. Caliborn smirks and backs off of you.

“I realized who you were about a half hour ago. I was wondering if I could at least get my dick wet before you did,” he spits, narrowing his eyes at you.

“You do realize that you broke my best friend’s fucking leg, right? You know that you’re not gonna fucking walk away from this one,” you say, feeling your hands clench into fists at your side.

“He deserved it. We did what we had to do. No harsh feelings, oh wait, except there it fucking is, the last time we had a goddamn game at your school not only did I lose my fucking tooth but I had to get my fucking LEG amputated after that goddamn piece of shit dog nearly tore the damn thing off!” he shouts, looking like he can’t decide if he’s going to keep kissing you or kick the living shit out of you. You clench your teeth and push past him, deciding that Caliborn isn’t even worth your time. The guy is scum and you couldn’t care less as long as he rots later for it.  “I would do it again in a fucking heartbeat too,” he yells after you. 

You decide that knocking another tooth out of him couldn’t hurt.

==> ABSCOND MOTHERFUCKER

You do just that. After leaving Caliborn with more than one injury in the alleyway, you throw open the back door to the bar and squeeze your way through the crowd, desperately looking for Dirk before Caliborn can actually regain any sort of consciousness. You might have blacked out a little as you fought him; all you can remember is punching him in the face so hard that _you_ saw stars. As you push through the crowd you can feel a panic attack creeping its way up into your spine and you push quicker through the people. The music suddenly is far too loud and there are way too many people touching you at once. You swallow and do you best to get out until you feel someone grab your arm.  You look up to see the concerned face of your brother.

“Dave what the fuck happened to you?!” he asks, pressing his hand gingerly against your face and showing you the blood that you apparently were losing. You flush and shake your head, trying to focus on his words, and nothing but his words. He gives you a frown and yanks you by the wrist out of the bar, getting you out as quickly as possible. When you finally reach the car you collapse in the passenger seat. Breathing and shaking a lot harder than you remember initially.

Dirk watches you from the driver’s side and doesn’t ask you any questions as he pulls you into a hug. You rarely hug your brothers, aside from Bro occasionally pulling you into a dramatic farewell hug and slinging his arm over your shoulder you actually can’t remember the last time you hugged any member of your family that wasn’t Roxy or Mom. The fact that it doesn’t happen often doesn’t mean you don’t dig it, though.

Dirk lets you bury your face in his shoulder as you try to calm down. It’s difficult but eventually your breathing slows back down to what you can call normal.  You’re still a little shaky but you manage, breathing out one last sigh before letting go of your brother, flushing a little. He moves back, also flushing, and you both silently agree to never talk about the hug again. He does give you a small look of pity before throwing you a napkin shoved in the console to mop up the blood on your face.

“Should we… talk about it?” He asks you, looking ahead of him. You sit there for a minute and decide that he probably deserves to know.

“Do you remember, back on Halloween, when we kicked the shit out of those assholes who tried to beat up on John? The one guy got away before we could touch him. I- The guy I was with… was that guy,” you mumble, suddenly feeling ashamed that you would even consider sleeping with someone like him. You swallow hard and look down at your feet, avoiding your brother’s eyes.

“You didn’t…fuck the guy, right?” he says, like he’s disgusted by the very thought of it. You shake your head and shudder to think that you might have.

Dirk doesn’t say another word and you place your head against the side of the car window and watch as the city quickly turns into the suburbs that you now know as home. When he pulls in the driveway, he takes the napkins you’ve been mopping your face with and throws them in the trash bag you guys keep in the car.

“You might want to avoid Bro for the night,” he says quietly, knowing that Bro is probably already waiting for you both to come in. You agree with him silently. You’re not really down for getting grilled about all the cuts on you and the black eye that’s probably darkening nicely right about now.

You follow Dirk into the house and flash-step up the stairs so that Bro won’t bother you. You’re sure that Dirk has said something by now anyway. You tear off your jacket and shades and don’t bother turning on the light as you flop onto your bed. As angsty as it sounds, you really fucking called this shit happening. Well maybe not down to the goddamn detail but you knew that there was no way this night was going to turn out well. You shouldn’t have tried the stupid idea in the first place. Everything about you just feels gross. You can’t believe that the first guy you actually got to make out with is the same one that also tried to beat the shit out of the boy whom you’re in love with.

You can still taste Caliborn on your tongue and you retch, moving to go to the bathroom to wash your mouth out with every possible cleaner you own. After about ten minutes of mouthwash and Listerine, and also a bad decision with an air freshener, you finally feel clean again. You also decide to shower as well because you can smell his weird cologne. While you’re scrubbing your hair and you find yourself regretting basically everything that has happened in the past couple of months.

First of all, despite the fact that you know there is no way you could have known, you wished you could have helped Aradia, asked her to hangout or something. Maybe if you would have distracted her even for one minute she might still be here. You wish you hadn’t kissed John and ruined everything. You wish you didn’t kiss Caliborn. You wish you didn’t go to the bar. In fact you sort of wish that you didn’t exist right now if you’re being completely honest with yourself.   

You sigh and turn off the shower, drying yourself off. You manage to find your way back to your room and flop onto the bed, staring out your window. It’s still a little early to be thinking about going to bed on a Friday but you don’t care, you just want to sleep. You pull on some boxers and sit down in front of your window, resting your arms on its sill. You look across the street at John’s house and think that maybe it’s time to let it go. You should just accept that even though John makes mistakes, you should at least give him another chance and you can just be silently in love with him instead of him ever knowing. You just won’t be around when Vriska is.

You look over at his window and his light is still on. John isn’t really one for going to bed early either, you recall. You look at his window for another couple seconds until he comes flying by it in nothing but his pajama bottoms. John is…a lot more muscular than he lets on. Even over the past couple months you remember Rose saying that he’s been working out to keep in shape for football in the fall and it shows.   Your eyes trail up his body from the small treasure trail that peaks out of the waistband of his pajamas. The guy doesn’t exactly have like a 6-pack or anything but he is toned and you find yourself staring a little before you notice that he didn’t just slide by his window. He’s dancing.

Performing would be a more accurate of a word. He dramatically grabs a hair brush off the dresser and starts singing into it, flipping his hair back and forth like he didn’t give a goddamn shit who the fuck was watching. The mother fucking Queen of England could have been sitting on John’s front lawn but he doesn’t give a single fuck, he’s just jamming away like tomorrow isn’t a thing. He starts using his leg as an air guitar when he looks out his window and spots you. You flush a move to close the blinds, realizing that you have been caught like a turtle in the headlights when he motions for you to wait. You raise a brow but open your window and hang your head out, the chill spring air sending shivers down your bare back. He does the same and runs back to his room for a second where you can’t see him. You’re about to go back inside when he rushes back and you can hear music starting to play.

Oh fucking Christ.

John Egbert shows up at his window with a pair of aviators that you didn’t know he owned and still in nothing but his jimjams but he starts to lip sync the song “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5. You immediately crack up and laugh as he serenade’s you with all the passion of a Shakespearean soliloquy.

“I want you back Dave!” he yells dramatically, hanging out of his window. You roll your eyes and move to shut yours as one of the neighbors yells at John to shut the fuck up because it is around midnight and no one should be serenading people with The Jackson 5 songs at this goddamn hour. Despite the fact that you know this you still find yourself smiling as your climb under your covers and try to fall to sleep.

==> DO EVERYTHING YOU’VE BEEN PUTTING OFF

Well, maybe not everything, but he first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is shower and grab a bag of Cheetos from the cupboard. Bro and Dirk don’t really question you when you pull on your coat and walk across the street.

You’re probably gonna go forgive John or whatever. It’s not like you really think he deserves it or anything, but after last night you’ve basically decided that you’re fine with being in love with John for the rest of your life, and even if that means that can’t ever be with him, you’re happy enough just being around him. As sad as it sounds, you just miss him enough to fucking let it go already.  So you write your sticky note of apologies and put it on your bag of Cheetos and knock on his door. Or at least- you try to. Just as you’re about to knock, the door opens to John standing in the doorway, covered in flour with a cake in his hand.

“Oh! Dave! I’m…um, this is for you!” he says, handing you the cake.  Once again it says “I’m Sorry” and there is a little picture of two stick figures that look strangely like you and John fist-bumping. You smirk and take the cake, eyeing him wearily.

“I’ve pretty much sworn taking cakes off of you last summer, bro. It took me a half-hour to get all the icing out of my hair after that shit,” you say, wondering if he even still remembers that. He smiles nervously and runs his hand through his hair.

“I promise this one won’t explode. It’s only made with guilt and remorse,” he laughs awkwardly, obviously surprised that you’re here. You flush and avoid his eyes, handing him the bag of Cheetos. “’I guess you’re forgiven, if that’s cool,’” he reads out, pulling off the sticky note on the bag. His face lights up and he grins like goddamn sun. “Are you…REALLY?!” he shouts, dropping the bag and looking like it’s 2001 and he just got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. You sigh and nod and John immediately throws his arms around you, not even caring that he has managed to thoroughly squish the cake that you WERE holding between the both of you.

Not that you really care, either. You have your best friend back.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I actually did this chapter in like two weeks which I really didn't expect to happen this is some sort of miracle of god man like damn. I doubt it will be a habit though.


	16. OH SHIT SINCE WHEN IS DICK A THING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a sweet ass birthday at a waterpark, shit goes down. Shit goes up.   
> Basically just a whole lotta shit. NSFW Chapter son.

 ==> BE THE GUY WHO IS FINALLY 18

Yes, hello, you’re the guy who’s finally 18! Yes, you, John Egbert, have somehow managed to reach adulthood without kicking the bucket and you’re pretty damn proud of yourself for that! Since today is your birthday you’ve decided that as a mature adult you are taking all your friends to an indoor water park because water parks are freaking awesome.

You roll out of bed in the morning to a birthday cake placed on your dresser. You sigh and know that without a doubt there would be at least 6 more placed around the house for when you bring everyone back for food tonight. You roll your eyes at the dessert and avoid getting cake on your clothes when you pull them out of the drawers. After getting dressed you fruitlessly attempt to make your hair look somewhat normal before going out like you do every day. It’s a battle you continue to lose.

“John!” your sister shouts from the kitchen as you exit your room, rubbing your head already messing up anything you’ve managed to fix. “Breakfast is ready, are you coming?” she asks you.

You grin and run downstairs, knowing that Dad will have made his famous pancakes for the both of your birthdays. Jane and yourself had the weird misfortune of having your birthdays on the exact same day, but you’re pretty much okay with it now. This year it was Jane’s turn to celebrate the day before, and your turn to celebrate on the actual day, so you both got a special day to yourself. Your feet thump down the stairs and you slide into the kitchen, where half of your friends are already waiting for you. By that, you mean literally everyone but Rose and Karkat.

“Looks like sleeping beauty finally fucking got some smooches, about damn time too Egbert we’re all fucking waiting here with baited breath for you to grace us with your new adult presence,” Dave smirks, shoving three slices of bacon in his mouth. You grin at him while Jade giggles and take your seat at the table, grabbing some breakfast as well.

You never thought you’d say it, but you missed Dave so much. A gross, stupid amount. He’s your best friend, after all! Things were a little weird at first, but he basically acted like nothing ever happened in the first place. It’s pretty much everything you’ve ever hoped for the past month. The only thing is, if you’re being honest with yourself, something feels wrong, almost like things shouldn’t go back to the way they were. You’re not really sure if you want them to. Tonight will be the first night that he’s sleeping over since your last fight so you aren’t going to risk anything though! Nothing weird at all, no sir, no fucking way. It’s not worth it.

You shovel pancakes into your mouth while your family starts to crowd you with gifts, piling them up at your feet. They do this every year, too. You’re sort of spoiled. Oh well, it’s not like you’re a brat or anything!

“John, you should open up mine first, it’s the biggest and clearly the best!” Jade says, shoving another bite of food in her mouth.

“Can I at least finish my food first?”

“Bro, how can you say that when there is a pile of goddamn loot at your feet,” Dave sputters, bacon flying everywhere. Jade snorts and you sigh.

“Because, _Dave_ ,maybe I just want to enjoy in this birthday breakfast as I only get one once a year!” you argue back. Jade groans and shoves your plate out of the way mid-bite, putting her present in front of you instead. It was bright green with blue ribbon tied around it and it did look pretty tempting.

“Presents, John! P-R-E-S-E-N-T-S. More important than pancakes,” she shouts at you, shoving the card in your face as well.

“Always,” Dave agrees. You groan and decide to indulge them, shoving your fingers in the envelope of your birthday card. You father with strange lightning quick dad instinct seems to have also whipped out his camera at lightning speed for the just the occasion.

“Smile John! You’re a man now son, I’m so proud of you,” he says, sounding a little choked up.  

You grimace and ignore your friends and Dad laughing around you and actually open the damn card. “Dear John,” you read out loud, clearing your throat so that everyone else would shut up. Jade starts shooshing as well and you manage to get the rest out. “Happy birthday cousin! Congrats on being all old now and stuff and joining the rest of us! I got you this in hopes that you’ll actually use them and get back into stuff you used to be into! I miss that John.” You pause and feel a little guilty, wishing that maybe you hadn’t read that part out loud.  You have been putting off a lot of the stuff that used to interest you, especially when you were dating Vriska.  You’ve sort of become a different person. “Happy Birthday again John, I love you!” After that part there was a bunch of happy faces with hearts on them.

You smile.  “Thanks Jade, that’s really nice of you,” you mumble before tearing at the wrapping.

Inside of the box that was so carefully wrapped is a whole magicians’ set.  It has basically everything you could need to get back into magic stuff. The cards, the basic trick maneuvers and fake props. It even has a hat and little wand thing that goes with it. Despite it being a little on the lame side you are instantly filled with an appreciation for Jade.

“Jade,” you breathe out. “This is awesome. I needed a new deck of cards, the other ones got cut up in the fans. I- Thank you,” you say, getting up and throwing your arms around her.  She squeezes you back enthusiastically and buries her face in your shoulder and you stay there for a moment, enjoying the embrace.

It’s weird, you used to hug Jade all the time but it sort of feels like you haven’t even talked to her in months. You let go of her and Dave is giving you this strange sort of look that you can’t pin. You stick your tongue out at him and grab the next present in the pile, which is obviously from your sister.  Jane looks at you encouragingly and you realize that there is no card. Usually she just signs Dad’s anyway.

You tear open the much smaller package and are a little surprised at what you find. Jane smiles down at you and you look up at her for an explanation. The package was leather-bound book.

“Flip through it,” she encourages, a smile growing on her face. You do what you’re told and your eyes widen as you go through its text.

“Jane. Is this-?”

“Every prank we have ever pulled since you were 8. Dave gave me the idea and got me a book for it. There are 10 years worth of pranks in there, John,” she says, taking the box it came in and holding it to her chest as she watched you read through them. 

It’s basically the best gift ever. Most of the pranks you pulled when you were younger were more classic, but around the time you turned thirteen you really stepped your game up. Near the end of the book the section was thick with last summer’s pranks you pulled on the Striders together. You grinned at the memory and closed the book carefully, deciding you would take a closer look when you were alone.

“Jane, I love it,” you say, going in for your second hug of the morning. She giggles and hugs you back, blushing like she always does when she gets a hug.

“I hoped you would, it was quite a long time coming!” She says, nodding once at you. You smile and look for your last present, which is just a small one on top.

“My present’s back at my house, I forgot to bring it; I’ll just give it to you tonight,” Dave says quickly before you open the last one, which you assume then is from your dad. He looks at you behind his camera and grins with his pipe still in his mouth.

“This present is for both you and Jane. I’ve saved for a while and you both deserve this.  I don’t know how I got stuck with kids like you but I’m glad I did.” He says, sticking out a hand to ruffle your hair. You flush and flick his hand away, secretly appreciating the sentiment. You open up the box with ease and both you and Jane stare wide-eyed at your father. It’s a pair of keys.

“No way,” you say, mouth hanging open. Your Dad just nods and you all fly outside to the driveway. A shiny 2006 minivan stands in your driveway and this is basically the best birthday you’ve ever had.

“It’s ours?” Jane asks, running her hand along the surface in awe. You both are so used to driving your dad’s tiny little car that the mini-van is a huge upgrade. You could actually take your friends out places now and only be half as embarrassed as you were before. 

“Of course, you have to share with your brother, but yes, it completely belongs to the both of you. Look in the trunk,” he says, the camera snapping pictures of the both of you. You reach under the trunk, looking for the button to open it and it popped, revealing the back of the van to be full of shaving cream, razors, cake mix, and various posters of your and Jane’s favourite characters. Dave and Jade burst out laughing and high-five, Dave slipping Jade a 5 Dollar bill, probably for a bet or something on how you would both react. You roll your eyes and thank your Dad, pulling both him and your sister close to you.

You finally let go and look back at them, grinning.

“Thanks for the awesome presents guys! All of you! Except for you, Dave, you didn’t pay the present toll so you can’t come to my birthday party; sorry, them’s the breaks,” you say, slapping a hand on Dave’s back.

“Damn, I’m heartbroken here, John. This is the single day I have been looking forward to all year. All my dreams about us sharing our inflatable tube on a waterslide while we playfully splash one another while Smash Mouth plays in the background and we get sunglass tans have been dashed. I’m not even sure how I’m gonna go on,” he rambles, throwing his hand against in his chest like you have truly wounded him.

“Dave, you are ridiculous and I hate you. Grab your stuff and get in my mini-van we have to meet the other in like a half hour. Maybe I’ll let you go on a waterslide with me.  But you’re gonna have to do some serious sucking up,” you say, shooing him into the house along with the others.

You somehow feel like this is going to be your best birthday yet.

\---

Driving in your new min-van is basically the best thing ever. Dave sort of almost fist-fights Jade for shotgun but in the end she wins, and as the pouty bitch-baby he is, he insists on beat-boxing the entire way there. You’re a little more than grateful when you finally arrive at the indoor water park, meeting up with Rose, Karkat, and Terezi.

“Happy birthday, John!” Terezi says, giving you a customary birthday lick across the face. You grimace and wipe your cheek, rolling your eyes.

She shoves a bag of candy in your hand and you somehow manage to get over being facially assaulted. Karkat also begrudgingly shoves the entire 10 season box set of “Friends” in your hands and you thank him, graciously. Karkat giving you his box set of Friends was basically like him handing you his left arm and telling you not to fuck it up. It was sort of a LITTLE important. Rose gives you a book titled “How To Deal With Repression” as a “joke” that everyone seems to find pretty funny but you, you don’t really get it, but whatever. Then she actually gives you a real joke book, which is pretty cool, even though you don’t really have the chance to look through it right then and there so you just shove all your presents in the back of your van and thank your friends accordingly.

“So, what rides shall we venture on first?” Rose asks, folding her towel in her hands and holding it to her chest. Jade flies past her and runs to the doors, blatantly ignoring people walking by her.

“Who cares? Let’s just go already! I vote we go on ALL of them!” she says, turning back on her heels and throwing you a high five, you grin and return it.

“Hell yes. I want to go on so many waterslides that the slides are imprinted in my butt before the day is over,” you say seriously, slinging your own towel over your shoulders. Karkat and Dave both shake their heads at you and Terezi nods enthusiastically as well.

“You’re all ridiculous. Clearly the best waterslide is the Vortex and I will be spending the majority of my precious time on it, unlike you indecisive losers who are wasting their time on the wave pool,” Karkat scoffs, pushing past all of your and running into the building after Jade. You laugh and pay for your ticket and go to meet Dave and Karkat in the changing room.

Karkat is already pulling off his shirt when you and Dave walk in. You pull off your socks and shove them into your bag. You go for your shirt next while Dave pulls off his own. You’ve seen both Karkat and Dave shirtless plenty of times before, but you never really noticed how much nicer Dave looks shirtless than you. It’s not like you’re really that chubby or anything but Dave is so much more toned than you. He has abs where your stomach is flat and he has those weird hip line things that trail back down into his swimsuit and you suddenly have the urge to touch them and wonder if the lines are as hard as they look-

“John, Jesus, what is this, the fucking slow train? You and Strider could compete in the goddamn turtle run; let’s go we have slides to go down and I am not wasting my young and healthy physique on you two goggling at each other naked,” Karkat growls, throwing his towel over his shoulder and walking out into the park.

You flush, realizing that you were sort of staring at Dave, and he quirks an eyebrow at you. You laugh awkwardly and rush out of the change room as well, deciding that that didn’t happen and wasn’t weird at all.

When you look up out at the park you can’t help but feel the grin spread across your face. You love water parks and amusement parks of all kinds. Nothing is better than a rollercoaster ever. It’s stupid though because near your birthday it’s still too cold for anything to actually open up so you can never go. When you were 14 or so your Dad told you about this place and you’ve basically been going ever since. It has a ton of slides and a sauna with a hot tub, and most importantly, one of the biggest wave pools you’ve ever been in.

The girls come up to meet you and you grin as you all join together. “Where to first?” you ask, looking around at them.

“The Vortex,” Karkat and Dave say at the same time without any sort of hesitation whatsoever.  The Vortex is essentially this giant slide that had a huge dome halfway through it that you spun around in and fell through after a little while. It’s easily one of the best rides at the park.

“It’s clearly the best option and allows me to avoid sitting the same sweat, dirt and piss of thousands of little children for a little while longer. As much as I love evolving into a new species, I’ll fucking pass for today,” Dave explains.

“Fuck yes, let’s go,” Karkat agrees, already making a beeline for the queue. Dave goes to follow him and Terezi joins as well, chanting excitedly. Jade looks at Karkat for a second as he walks away before flushing a little and turning back. Karkat turns back anyway.

“You coming, Harley? We need four people for a tube and you’re not fucking bailing on me now!” He shouts, not giving a shit about the several children walking by and hearing his foul language. Jade quickly nods and smiles, running after them.

“Should we join them?” Rose asks you. You shrug and shake your head. As much as you love the Vortex, you like to work your way up to the awesome rides. Also, you and Rose would have to go on a tube with strangers and as much as you don’t really care about that, you know she might.

“Nah, you wanna just share a tube and get used to the water in the wave pool for a minute first? I gotta work my way up, Rose! I can’t blow all my cards in one deck,” you answer, shoving your thumb in the direction of the wave pool. Luckily for a Saturday it’s not all that busy and there is definitely room for you to fit in there comfortably.

“That sounds wonderful,” she says, walking towards the direction of the pool. You watch her go for a second and can’t help but think to yourself that Rose is really pretty. She is wearing a black one-piece bathing suit that shows off that she at least has some sort of curve to her and you wonder why you don’t have a crush on her. That thought immediately goes out of your head as you can’t even imagine ever wanting to be with Rose. Not that she’s not beautiful, or anything! She has the typical Strider/Lalonde blonde hair and a looks that says she knows exactly how to end the world but she’s not going to tell you. All of this is fine and dandy you just can’t think of her any other way than as your best friend.

She looks back at you as if to ask why you’re being slow and you shake yourself out of it and follow behind her. You grab a tube from the small line of people waiting for one on the way and try to catch up as Rose slips herself into the water, graceful and slow and in perfect Rose style.

You climb into the tube and wait for her to join you, tangling your legs up together and floating on the waves. She gives you a small smile and you fidget with your fingers, not really sure what to say.

“I know you want to know what happened between Kanaya and I, John,” she says simply, reading your mind. It’s not like you WANT to pry! You’re just sort of curious is all! Rose and Kanaya were so perfect forever and then they just stopped seeing each other out of the blue.

“Yeah, a little,” you admit, awkwardly rubbing at the back of your head. Rose nods and takes a small breath before she starts.

“I had a problem,” she says. “My sister and mother’s drinking started to take its toll on me. I also picked up the habit. Kanaya asked me to stop, and I couldn’t.” Your eyes widen; you had no idea. You didn’t even notice. Then again you haven’t really spent any time with Rose in the past couple of months except at school. “It was a problem. I kept getting better and then everything would, well, stop. Roxy is trying as well. We’ve been sober about a month so far and I must say it’s refreshing to not be under the influence as much as I was before.” She looks glad that she’s telling someone this. You wonder if Dave knows.

“I had no idea, Rose. When did you start?” you ask, looking concerned. Rose gives you a sad smile and shrugs.

“A little after your Halloween party. I know it was ridiculous, but I felt left out not enjoying myself like the others. I thought that, perhaps, trying it wouldn’t be detrimental to my health. On some level I think I wanted to be more like my mother as well. She and Roxy are one and the same, and I’m nothing like them. It was irresponsible,” she sighs. You feel bad for Rose. She just wanted to fit in and ended up hurting not just her but Kanaya too.

“I’m just glad you’re getting better, Rose. I know that your mom and Roxy love you if you drink or not! If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I can help you and stuff,” you offer, nudging your knee into hers. She gives you a genuine smile and quietly thanks you.

“I’ve yet to give up hope, though. I’m going to defeat my addiction and gain back Kanaya’s affections if it’s the last thing I do. Nothing is more important to me,” she says determinedly .

“That’s great Rose! I know it will work out.”

“Well what about you, John? It’s been a while since you ended things with Vriska. Are you interested in anyone?” she asks you, quirking a brow. You flush and shake your head; you don’t even want to think about dating anyone right now.

“I don’t really want anyone right now,” you say. “Besides, I just became friends with Dave again and I’d rather hangout with him than some girl.” You flush even harder, realizing how that sounded. “Well and the rest of you guys, too!” You hurriedly try to save the situation before Rose’s eyebrows can get any higher on her forehead.

“Of course,” she confirms, smirking at you like she knows something you don’t. Gosh you hate that.

“Rose, I’m not gay for Dave! I don’t think I’m into guys like that so stop raising your eyebrows at me! Even if he is attractive, I don’t want to date him. Besides he’s my best palhoncho it would be super weird and gross,” you argue before she can say anything else.

“For someone who claims they’re not gay, you sure mention it quite a bit, John. I never said anything. Although, I do seem to recall you have no qualms about kissing a certain Strider on New Year’s… “ she says, now wiggling her eyebrows. Stupid Rose and her stupid eyebrows.

“T-That’s a kiss that’s different! You kiss girls all the time!”

“I’m a lesbian, John.”

“That’s beside the point!” you huff, face still furiously red. You thought all this gay stuff was over. Sadly as long as your friends with Dave, you think everything will be gay forever.

Wait, that sounded weird, too.

You decide that you can no longer think about this and promptly flip the tube over, taking both you and Rose crashing down under the water. She sputters and pulls herself out of the water and you brush your wet hair out of your eyes. You immediately crack up at the vision of her spitting out water and the makeup running down her face. Eventually, Rose starts to laugh too and you both decide that it’s probably better you get out of the wave pool now and find the others.

Finding the others isn’t exactly that hard; they’re in the pool timeout zone, all waiting there looking like they have been significantly punished.

“What did you guys do?” you laugh, walking up to them. Karkat frowns at you and rolls his eyes and Terezi starts to laugh.

“Well. Terezi thought it might be a good idea to purposely try and pop the tube of the kids in front of us,” Karkat says, working up to a rant. “They were hardly out of diapers. That was our _first_ warning. THEN. Strider thought it might be a good fucking idea to race Harley and the rest of us to the wave pool to find you guys so we could MAYBE actually get to go on some other goddamn rides while we’re here, but in doing this, he also thought it might be a good idea to trip me before he started to run. That’s why we are stuck in this fucking TIMEOUT at a WATERPARK.” He sighs with defeat when Terezi falls onto his lap and pokes his cheek.

“Don’t be such a buzzkill, Karkat. This is why we never worked as a couple, you are the captain of pooping on parties. You are quite literally pooping on our party Karkat,” Terezi giggles, papping his face.

Karkat looks like he’s gonna explode and you laugh, hanging over the edge of the small fenced area. It sort of looks like a prison. You have no idea why they built a miniature prison in a water park, but you guess it has its uses.

“How long are you in for?” you ask, trying not to sound like you’re making fun of them but you are 100% making fun of them. Rose smirks and Jade sighs.

“Only about 5 more minutes. They put you in for 15 minutes at a time I guess. Although, we do get kicked out if we race again,” Jade says, flopping against Dave’s side. Dave nods sympathetically and kisses her forehead. Your stomach lurches and you decide that seeing Dave kiss people is weird.

“Don’t worry darlin’, they can’t keep us in here forever,“ he drawls, laying his accent on thick. “I’ll clear the family name if it’s the last thing I do. There is only one sheriff in this town and I guarantee ya my gun is bigger than theirs.“ He winks. You swallow and awkwardly and do your best not to think about Dave’s “gun”.

God you cannot stop fucking blushing today.

“Five minutes isn’t the worst you guys could have fucked up. Rose and I are gonna go on some rides because we’re RESPONSIBLE. Come find us in five. When you kids get out of your timeout,” you say, wiggling your eyebrows at them. Karkat sends you daggers and Terezi waves as the two of you walk us to get in some waterslide time.

Eventually the rest of them do join you and you all split off into pairs. Rose graciously accepts Terezi as her partner and it’s in no way obvious at all because that will allow Karkat and Jade to be together. Despite the fact everyone pretends like they aren’t completely in love, everyone knows that they pretty much are and refuse to admit it at this point. It’s really stupid so you’re all just trying to, well, force them together. They’re just being stupid at this point.

So you end up on a tube with Dave. It isn’t anything really weird, he just sits in your lap and you’re forced to wrap your arms around him and it isn’t awkward at all no way. He turns back at you and adjusts his shades.

“Don’t compromise my integrity, Egbert, I need a ring first you haven’t even asked my Father for my hand,” he smirks, still tensing under where your arms are wrapped around his stomach.  You laugh and wait for the guy to push you down the slide. When he does you cling to Dave a little tighter and feel bad for missing him so much.

It feels good just to be close to him again and you’re corny and terrible and no one should feel this way about their best friend but you sort of do and it’s kind of embarrassing. You don’t really want to admit it to anyone. You can’t really! No one understands.

You’re not stupid. You know that this isn’t how normal friendships work and something is different.  There are some things, you know that too. You’ve noticed stuff lately, stuff that shouldn’t be happening. You keep thinking about Dave in ways that maybe are more than friendly. You’re just gonna chalk it up to not getting laid in a month. You’ve been desperate. At this point the right kind of breeze could set you off so you’re not in love with Dave or anything! He just happens to be the closest thing to you.

You think that maybe you should ask Rose what she thinks but that would involve you actually telling her that you are occasionally really turned on by the thought of Dave doing anything.

You both splash out of the tunnel and luckily the cold water wakes out of anything else you can possibly think of. You come up for air and Dave grins at you, running his fingers through his wet hair.

“That was fucking rad and I’m going to fight anyone who ever says anything bad about water parks. I’m not fucking around John just get me my goddamn fighting gloves and hold my earrings because shit will go the fuck down,” he rants, making his way out of the pool. You watch him go and breathe a little clearer when he’s gone. This was getting ridiculous.

Karkat and Jade quickly follow behind the both of you, Jade squealing in delight and Karkat screaming like little kid. They skid past you and tumble into the water, laughing and shouting at each other. You smile a little and meet the other three outside of the pool. After everyone actually manages to get together you all decide that food is probably a good idea and wrap towels around yourselves and look for the nearest place that sells hotdogs.

They actually had a little place to eat just on the other side of the park where most parents or the teenagers took breaks. You all grab your cells phones from the locker rooms and meet up at a table, munching on fries, hotdogs, and slushies.  

You sip on your cherry slushy and sigh, flipping through Facebook on your phone. You have at least 100 people wishing you happy birthday, the worst part is you don’t even know half of them. People always just add you and you’re too damn nice to say no. The birthday messages are nice though. A lot of the football team messaged you, asking when the next party is. To be honest, you don’t think you’ll be having another party for a **long** time.

Jade took a huge bite of her hotdog and offered you some, you declined and went back to your phone, but not before Dave’s started obnoxiously blaring “Dirrty” By Christina Aguilera. He ignores you rolling your eyes and picks it up.

“Sup?” he asks. There is a buzzing on the other side and gradually you see his face turning white. “Are you fucking serious? Eridan. If you are fucking lying to me I’ll goddamn skin you, asshole,” he growls, his fists clenching. Why does Eridan have his number? Why are they even talking? From what you can remember, they don’t like each other very much. After a few more minutes of Dave arguing on the phone with him he hangs up and looks at Karkat. “We gotta blast, Karkitty.”

Karkat looks up at him with his mouth full. “Why?” He manages, food falling out of his trap. You wrinkle your nose and he gives you the middle finger.

“Nothing good. Sollux is in the hospital. Tried to off himself. Eridan found him and took him there, told him that he had to get help. Guess even Eridan isn’t completely heartless,” Dave says solemnly. Terezi looks upset and also demands to join Karkat and Dave.

“Sorry John, his parents are out of town we have to make sure he’s okay. I’ll come back tonight for sick bro jams, promise,” Dave says, getting up and ruffling your hair. Jade starts making kissing noises and you find yourself “accidentally” kicking her as hard as you can under the table.

“Fuck, I can’t believe this,” Karkat states, running his hands through his stupidly messy hair. It’s a well-known fact that he and Sollux are pretty close, so you think it’s fair that he’s so upset. “I know shit’s bad but Jesus doesn’t the guy have some fucking sense in him? Being in love is shit, and when that person doesn’t know, it’s more shit. But Aradia fucking died. This isn’t some shitty Romeo and Juliet garbage this is real fucking life and I’m failing to comprehend how anyone can be so STUPID -“ he rants, standing up and pacing a little.

“Karkat!” Jade says, trying to snap him out of it.

“- when has killing yourself ever fixed anything! Fucking Christ I thought Sollux might actually fucking talk to people or at least not just fucking kill himself like no one ELSE WOULD CARE ABOUT HIM-“

“KARKAT!!”

“You know you’re fucking shit up when ERIDAN has to take you to the goddamn hospital like some sentient useless fucking shell of a man like fuck Sollux it’s not like you don’t have suppor-MPH” Karkat is thoroughly shut up by Jade mashing her hand against his mouth.

“Shut up Karkat, you have to go,” she says seriously, looking him straight in the eyes. He nods and pushes her hand off his face.

The three of you watch as your friends disappear into the changing rooms and you wonder if Sollux is going to be okay and what Dave is gonna tell you when he gets back.

…

When Dave gets back it happens to be around 9:00 at night and you might have been waiting for him with Chinese food for several hours at this point. He bursts through your front door soaked by the rain and panting.

“Jeez Dave!” you whine. “What happened to you?”

Dave shucks off his coat and shivers violently trying to tell you but his teeth chattering too loudly. You don’t even think there is snow on the ground anymore and Dave is still the biggest baby about the cold. You roll your eyes and pull him to the couch, wrapping a blanket around him.

“A-Apple juice,” he stammers weakly. You punch him in the arm and throw him the juice box you already had on the coffee table. He takes a sip and after a few minutes seems to have gained back his strength.

“What happennnned, Dave!” you whine, flopping on his lap. He leans back on the couch and rubs his eyes under his shades.

“So fucking much,” he says. “Ight, so Sollux tried jumping off the roof at school, I guess. He said everything was all his fault and that he didn’t deserve to live. I guess Eridan just happened to be hanging out with his asshole friends in the parking lot or something and saw it go down. He actually managed to convince Sollux to stay there. Then, they hashed out some serious real talks, like the view sort of shit, and he managed to convince Sollux to go the hospital and now he’s getting transferred to a psych ward for a couple of weeks.”

“We pretty much left the park after a couple more slides when you guys left, too. Was the hospital wait long?”

“Like my fucking dick. We had to actually hang out with Eridan in the waiting room and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to tear out my eyes more. Like if there would have been anything sharp in the immediate vicinity, my fucking eyeballs would have been on the ground and I might have been at peace.” he complains. You pap his face gently.

“Shoooshh. It’s all over now, Dave. At least Sollux is safe! Aradia’s death seemed sort of hard on everyone, but no one as much Sollux,” you say quietly. He nods and stays silent for a moment. You and Dave haven’t really talked about it at all. He knows that you saw him maybe crying in the store, so you know that it hurt him. But he hasn’t said a word to you. This is the first time that you’ve even acknowledged it in front of him.

That’s sort of the whole problem.

Ever since you and Dave have started hanging out again things have been normal. Almost too normal, though. You don’t talk about anything. You just do friend stuff and hang out. You used to talk about girls, and your dad, not to mention sex. Now it sort of feels like any emotional topic is basically off limits. You’re an emotional guy! You need your outlets! Dave just isn’t one of them anymore.

You wish you could talk to Dave about… well, about being sort of hot for Dave. He would know what to say. You don’t want to do some cliché “I have this friend” sort of deal but you’re getting a little desperate.  You look up at him from his lap to find that he is looking down at you.

“Sup, Egnerd? You’ve been spacing for like three minutes now. Your eyes are so glazed I’m hungry for donuts, dude,” he says, waving his hand in front of your face. You cough awkwardly and sort of look away.

“Uh, can I ask you something Dave? Like as my bro?” you ask awkwardly, avoiding his eyes.

“Shoot,” he says, sipping on his juice.

“Ah. Ok,” you say. “So lately I think I might have a thing for someone. Not like a let’s get married thing! Just a ‘you would probably look really nice naked and I kind of think about it a lot’ sort of thing.” Dave nods.

“Not seeing the problem here, bro,” he states, taking another sip.

“It’s a guy.”

Dave proceeds to choke on his apple juice. You are both blushing violently by the time he manages to catch his break and squeak out a lame, “What?!”

“I-. Yeah. I know. I don’t think it’s, like, gay, though!” you stammer, getting off of Dave’s lap to avoid him spitting more apple juice on you.  He stares at you and you can see him swallowing hard, trying to find words.

“John, I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of gay. Wanting to sleep with other dudes. I guess you could be bisexual, which makes more sense but there is definitely a little gay there. At least half gay, bro. Your pie is technically half-blueberry, half-cherry, there is no way around it,” he says, his face getting redder by the second if that’s even possible. You give a frustrated groan and smash your face into the couch cushion.

“But it’s not! I’ve never thought of guys like that before. It’s just this one guy! You know how when you look at a girl and think wow she has really nice boobs I would like to sleep with her, it’s just like wow he has a really nice body I sort of want to touch it. Ever since Vriska I haven’t even looked at other girls let alone got any! So, I dunno. It sort of feels like maybe I’m just thinking about him when I get off because he’s not like Vriska at all,” you argue, trying to figure out how to say this without basically telling Dave that you’ve been getting off to small ideas of him for the good part of the last month.

“Wait,” he says, seeming to snap out of his embarrassment for a second. “You porked Vriska?”

“Yeah. Well,” you mumble, forgetting that you never told Dave. It just never seemed like a good time to bring it up. “We only had like the FULL sex once I guess. It was sort of short. It wasn’t that good to be honest.”

“Oh. Well, why wouldn’t y’all bang, I dunno why I thought - doesn’t matter. Who’s this dude you’re lusting after?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You know them, I can’t tell you,” you say and Dave nods after a second.

“Cool, that’s not gonna bother me forever. My best bro is finally into dudes too and he won’t even tell me who he fucking flogs his flamingo to,” he says, throwing his hands n the air.

“You never told me you were gay, Dave.”

“I-I’m not, I’m super fucking straight, bro, like a goddamn ruler,” he starts to ramble, “people are like Dave lie down you are so fucking straight we are gonna make the sickest geometric patterns with your body don’t even worry about wearing the proper clothes you’re so straight that your clothes will probably just iron themselves so they can get on your fucking level.” You quirk an eyebrow and look at him like he’s a big liar which he fucking is.

“You just said ‘into dudes too,’ Dave, that sorta implies that you also like guys. Not that I do,” you say, a grin growing on your face.

“I’ve liked girls before too! Fuck, John, sometimes you just gotta appreciate those lumberjack guys with the plaid and the beard and the tree chopping arms. I’m a little not-straight, okay. We will stick with that, moving the FUCK ON, JOHN,” he says and you give him a stupid looking smile.

“What do I do? I don’t think I **like** him-like him! I just kind of think about him sometimes,” you shrug. Dave looks at the floor and copies you.

“Nothing I guess. You don’t like him so why would you say anything? It’s just the same as getting off to a chick right? Except it’s a dude. It’s just a fantasy, man. I dunno. You shouldn’t do anything. Ever. Probably,” he says, still not looking at you. You nod and think that he’s probably right. It’s just a stupid thing you can’t really control. Besides, everyone gets bi-curious at least, right? This is probably nothing to worry about ever.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks Dave! Oh, please don’t tell Rose that I told you that, she would have a freaking hay-day and never leave me alone!” Dave nods sympathetically and you both basically decide to drop the subject after that. It was nice to talk to Dave about stuff, even if it was secretly about you being kinda turned on by the idea of him more naked than usual. Problem averted. Everything can go back to normal now, right?

….

You’re so wrong.

After you and Dave talk, things are pretty normal, as far as sleepovers go. You watch a couple of movies and end up trying to make bacon and Nutella sandwiches way too late at night. You even convinced him to put on one of Jane’s skirts at one point and talk to his brothers like nothing was out of the ordinary (they didn’t even react, like apparently that’s something that happens all the time? Whatever, Striders are weird).

Things started to get kinda weird when it’s time to finally go to bed. You change out of your clothes and throw on your sleeping shirt as usual and crawl into bed. That’s when you hear the indignant squawk from Dave and find out that there’s a small spider nest chilling out in the bottom of his sleeping bag. You both unanimously agree to chuck the thing out of the window and share a bed instead. It’s not that you mind! Really! You’ve shared your bed tons of times before and this time is no different. Well. Except for the fact that it’s _Dave_. 

The thing about your bed is that it’s sort of small, so anyone you share it with, you basically have to spoon. You didn’t really think anything of it at first! Why would spooning Dave be a big deal? You’ve done it a ton of times before at sleepovers and stuff when you guys have had to share beds. Only this time, you forgot how not to be grossly attracted to the guy and well he was sort of pressed against you in all the wrong places.

Despite the fact that your arm is draped casually over his torso you’ve never been so tense. You’ve been lying in bed for about two hours trying not to pop a boner but Dave just had to try and make himself comfortable, rubbing himself up against your boxers in the process.  You try to angle yourself you’re your dick isn’t pressed up exactly against his ass but you’re sort of stuck between a wall and a hard place.  Usually this wouldn’t be such a big problem but, well, Dave is shirtless. You haven’t really gotten to see him up close a lot and it’s a lot nicer than you thought it might be. He is so well toned and you start following the lines of his stomach down to his small treasure trail that just hints down into the edge of his boxers and you nearly groan remembering what is under them.

You don’t even know when the thought of Dave’s dick became appealing but suddenly you would be fine if you had to touch it again or whatever.

You can literally feel ever one of his tiny, subtle movements on the front of his pants and you have to keep yourself from gasping and bucking up against the back of him. Everything is warm and awkward and you need to get out of here and _fast._ You slowly remove your arm from over top of him and he shivers a little from the lack of warmth left. You allow yourself to stare at your sleeping best friend for a second, watching how his mouth is parted just enough to show that he is still sleeping and his hair is messy over his eyes.

Boner, right. After you get your arm off of him the rest isn’t as terrible, your bed creaks loudly as you stand up, the tent in the front of your boxers now almost mocking you. You glare at the little ghosts on them and sneak out to the hallway, thankful that the bathroom was far enough away from everyone else that no one would hear you if you, well, took care of things.

The second you shut the door behind you, you flick the lock and slide down the bathroom door, desperately groping at your underwear, trying to pull yourself out of it. There is already a wet stain on the front and you really hope that’s new.

As soon as your dick hits the air you groan and don’t even bother trying to start off slow, using your pre-cum as lube and rubbing it as fast as you can along your shaft. It’s almost fucking sinful, the noise you make as soon as you start. You shove your free hand in your mouth, trying to stop your stupidly loud moans from spilling out of your mouth.

Instead of your usual well-thought out fantasies you find yourself grasping onto whatever you can think of. Flashes of New Year’s flick through your mind. They way Dave looked with his eyes shut tight and the blush dark on his cheeks, panting as he rubbed himself through his pants. You groan behind your fist and flick your wrist, arching up into your own touch. Suddenly you remember how it felt when Dave was touching you, his hands calloused but so fucking gentle and you fucking _ache._

You think about Dave’s lips, the way he raps when he thinks no one is looking, how his freckles stand out when its cold outside, his stupid fucking smirk, how warm he was when you jumped him after he forgave you. Your mind goes into a chant of “ _Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, DAVE”_ as you thrust up into your hand and spill all over yourself, cumming embarrassingly fast. You manage to hiccup your last heaving breath as you slide back down the bathroom door, not thinking clearly enough to remember to completely take off your boxers. You’re gonna have to clean those off before you go to bed.

Stuff is starting to go from bad to shit-storm and as you look at your dirty boxers you can’t help but think that it’s not gonna get better anytime soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting closer! I'll give you a hint for the next chapter, its a PROM TWO PART-ER. I hope it will be good? Yeah sorry this was sort of long and confusing I had a lot to get out and I hope it wasnt tooooo terrible!


	17. DEEP SEA PROM MAKEOUTS??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets ready with Sollux and his super hot prom date, embarrassing pictures are had, Bro is a DJ in a sweet coconut bra, and plenty of unexpected makeouts are had.

==> Be the guy who needs a fucking date.

Haha, psych! You’re still Dave Strider, but everyone else can suck a dick because somehow you have actually managed to score a date for prom. Well, your date is Terezi, but it’s still a pretty sweet deal. You’ve never actually attended any sort of school dance before, mostly because the DJ is usually of poor quality, but this year Bro actually stepped up and volunteered to DJ instead of the school’s usual garbage. For the first dance of your life, you’re even attending with someone who you don’t hate, which is also pretty fucking rad in your opinion. Despite all your corny dreams of John taking you to prom and ironically moving you into a really sweet salsa dance Moulin Rouge style, you’ve decided that rationally, this isn’t that bad either. Besides, John has been acting so weird lately; despite the fact that you’ve pretty much forgiven him months ago, the second you brush against him he jumps away from you like you’re made out of hot, burning, gay lava.

Not to mention he’s got a boner for some guy now.

You try to pretend that knowing about that isn’t literally eating you alive, but it sort of is. Other than that, things are fine! No. Fucking really, everything is great.                                              

“You’re actually going?” Dirk asks you, interrupting your train of thought and quirking a brow at you. You shrug and give him a half-assed nod.

“I figure that with the music not being shitty this year, I shouldn’t deprive the ladies of all this,” you say, gesturing to all of you, which is currently decked out in the Iron Man PJs Jade gave you for your birthday in December. Dirk snorts and you can tell he’s rolling his eyes behind his shades.

“I’m not sure you’ve ever even held a girl’s hand,” he comments, leaning against your doorframe. You lean back on your elbows and give him a look that says “fuck you, there was that one time in third grade with Amanda Hart you fucking know that” and he gives you a look that says “afterwards you also sneezed so hard you got boogers in her hair don’t give me that shit”. You’re about to say a rebuttal with another strong look when Bro steps behind the both of you and shoves his thumb towards the stairs.

“You’re lisp-y friend is here. He said something about getting this motherfucking sleepover started before he kicks it,” he said, Sollux appearing behind him as if on cue, pushing past him into your bedroom.

“Way to fucking greet your guesths Sthrider,” he says, throwing his bag on your floor and flopping on your bed beside you. Bro gives you a weird pouty frown and leaves, taking Dirk with him. You flip Sollux off and he gladly returns the gesture: your customary greeting.

He stares up at your ceiling and immediately starts talking about this new game for the PS4 that’s coming out, and you can’t help but feel a little proud of him, distracted by how much better he looks.

It’s been about a month since he tried to kill himself. You would never go as far as to say that he is fixed in any sense of the word; sometimes when he thinks no one is looking, he gets a weird far off look in his eye or gets really quiet in the middle of a sentence, remembering something that he shouldn’t. The hospital released him about a week ago; he went through about three weeks of intensive counselling and medication and he’s at least acting a little more like he used to. That doesn’t mean he’s not still on some high security alert, though. He has a crazy strict schedule that consistently needs to be confirmed by the people around him and, for the next couple of months, he’s basically not allowed to go places alone or be alone for any extended period of time.

The only reason why Sollux is getting ready to go to prom with you is that Eridan mentioned it to the hospital workers while he was visiting, and they thought it would be healthy for Sollux to actually attend prom instead of having to miss out because things are shitty.  

After being quiet for a minute, Sollux looks at his phone and groans.

“What are you moaning about?” you ask him, nudging him with your foot. He looks over at you and frowns, his cheeks flushing lightly.

“I didn’t fucking tell you who I’m going to prom with did I?” he asks, mumbling behind the hands over his face. You just sort of assumed he wasn’t going with anyone, with, well, you know. He takes your silence as a no and continues. “You remember how Ampora wath at my fucking death bed half the time I wath in that forsthaken place? He demanded that I go to prom with him ath payment for him ‘sthaving’ my life,” he groans, grabbing your pillow and trying to suffocate himself. You take it out of his hands and smack him in the head with it.

“Dude, you fucking said yes? Shit, man, I almost would’ve taken getting smashed on the goddamn sidewalk like last week’s gum then take _Ampora_ fucking anywhere, “ you say, ignoring how incredibly red Sollux’s face has actually gotten. There is no way he…well, shit, that he actually fucking likes him. That’s basically impossible so you’re just going to ignore it, yep, that’s the plan.

“I almothst wisth I did juthst fucking because of him,” Sollux groans miserably, flashing you the tiniest of smiles when you give him a concerned look. You roll your eyes and stare at the suit that you have lying at the end of your bed. Dirk got it for you, knowing a hell of a lot more about fashion than you do, and informed you that if you didn’t wear it then he would force it on your skinny fucking body if he had to hold you down and hog tie you.

“I guess we should actually get ready,” you shrug, looking at your mirror and sighing because you’re a teenage girl and decided that getting ready with your friends for school dances is basically a requirement. Sollux scoffs at you and picks up his own suit and gold tie.

“Do you want me to do your makeup firthst, Thstider?” he asks you, smirking. You chuck your comb at him and turn on your music to drown out his complaining. You decide on some classic rock and get to work on shucking off your PJs and pulling on your black slacks. You’ve decided to go with the basic red and black, and Terezi really was down for the colour, so it wasn’t exactly the hardest decision you’ve had to make; well, as long as you added the colour teal somewhere in there too.

“Who’sth EB going with?” Sollux asks you while pulling off his own shirt. You take a second to realize that he’s talking about John and you shrug.

“I don’t think he’s got a date. Guess no one can handle having Egbert’s moves imprinted on their prom memories for the rest of their lives,” you say, honestly not knowing why John isn’t going with anyone. It’s not like people haven’t asked him either. Rose even asked him at one point, but he turned down everyone. At one point, you had the fleeting thought of asking him yourself, but you shot that shit in the foot real quick. Now that John knows that you’re, well, not the straightest crayon in the fucking box, you don’t want to make shit weird. You’ve worked too hard to let something like that happen.

“That suckths. I thought he had girlsth crawling all over him,” Sollux shrugs, buttoning up his white shirt.  You’re struck with a little bit of jealousy as you look at your own teal button up that’s lying on the bed.

“I guess not. Whatever. It’s not like I could give a shit who he goes with,” you grumble. Sollux basically looks directly through that statement, as if he’s about to say something, when there’s a loud knock at the door.

“Hello boys,” a familiar voice says. You look up to see your date standing in the doorway.

You start buttoning up your shirt and give a low whistle. “Damn, TZ, if I don’t have the hottest date on this side of the fucking equator. Shit, you know, I got some fucking prom queen material right here,” you say, flashing her a stupid grin. She nods back at you seriously.

“Of course, it’s not really hard to compete with Ampora,” she cackles.

“Shut the fuck up TZ!” Sollux says, chucking your corsage at her, which you actually manage to catch before it hits. You all sort of have this bad habit of forgetting that she’s legally blind sometimes. She does look pretty good though; if you weren’t pretty much exclusively into the D you might even be a little hot and bothered. She’s decked out in a tight fitting teal and black dress and red heels. She even did her hair and makeup, the whole nine yards.  In short, Terezi looks beautiful.

“Have you losers just been pulling scenes from classic 80’s films and not telling me?” she asks, pointing in the general direction of your iPod.

“No, but why the fuck aren’t we?” you ask as Terezi cranks up the music and you all attempt to imitate the classic ‘Risky Business’ dance to ‘Old Time Rock N Roll’.

After your impromptu dance warm up, you and Sollux actually manage to get dressed decent and go downstairs to meet Rose and Bro. You come down, tie in hand, and greet your dearest sister accordingly.

“Look who’s not wearing a corset and a turtle neck,” you say, sliding into the chair beside her. Rose sighs and adjusts her pretty lilac and black dress, smacking your shoulder so you stand up instead.

“Look who still can’t manage to maneuver a tie properly,” she retorts, stretching up to fix the tie around your neck. As much as you don’t want to admit it, it is a hell of a lot more fucking comfortable than the death trap you were wearing before. You’re about to thank Rose when you notice the several large pizzas on the table.

“No fucking way, Bro, you do love me,” you exclaim, grabbing the closest slice you can get your hands on. Your friends seem to think that pizza is also the best thing that has ever fucking happened and soon enough you’re all covered in a layer of napkins and shovelling pizza down your throats like you haven’t eaten in a thousand damn years.

You frown at the small pizza stain on the edge of your jacket and Bro eventually slides the box away from you and points at the clock, removing the napkins he had attached to his own suit. You kinda want to know why he decided that he needed to get dressed up for _your_ fucking prom, but it easier let it go and chalk it up to another way of embarrassing you while blatantly looking better than you.

“Better go hitch a ride with Egbert and his crew if y’all wanna get out of here in time. Not before pictures though; squeeze together, nerds, this is going in my scrapbook,” he says, whipping out a disposable camera seemingly out of nowhere (you’re pretty sure his suit is lined with them). You all groan but squish together anyway, all taking a picture that you’re sure didn’t turn out; to be honest, you’re not even sure if Terezi was looking in the right direction what so ever.

After the pictures are said and done, you grab your wallet and Terezi’s arm and head across the street to John’s house, where he, Jade, and Karkat are already waiting. Impatiently, apparently, going by the string of angry texts that you know are from Karkat without even having to look at them. You don’t even bother ringing the doorbell and stroll into the house with everyone else in tow, apparently scaring the shit out of Karkat and Jade in the front hall, who are standing dangerously close.

“STRIDER HAVE YOU EVER FUCKING HEARD OF KNOCKING?!?” Karkat yells at you, his face bright red. Jade is also a little red and you figure that you probably just walked in on something weird. They’re both matching in their green and black attire and you know that there is just no way that green was Karkat’s choice. Jade looks pretty, though, her hair tied back and hanging loosely in parts around her face. Karkat looks like he kind of attempted to flatted his ridiculous hair but to no avail, as it just looks a little shiner than usual with product.

“Door bells are for people who actually give a shit, Karkitty,” you say, smirking at your friend. “Where’s John at? Don’t tell me he’s still making himself pretty for me. I told him I already have a date and to take a fucking number,” you say, just as you hear him coming down the stairs.

“Like you could afford me, Dave! I am high class,” he says, jumping on the last stair and grinning at you. You’re about to say something clever, but the answer dies in your throat the more you look at him.

John is a goddamn nerdy Disney prince and you hate fucking everything. The only time you’ve ever seen John dressed up was for Aradia’s funeral, and to be honest, you were a little preoccupied being fucking miserable to lust after John at the time. Shit, but now…

He’s not, in theory, wearing anything special, it’s just a black tux with a white button up and a bright blue tie, but fuck if isn’t the hottest he has ever looked fucking ever. You didn’t think that it was possible for there to be a colour that matches his eyes perfectly, but apparently there is. You think your chest is physically aching from how much you need to pin him against a wall and kiss the living daylights out of his cute fucking dorky ass face.

“Dave?” he asks you, waving his hand in front of your face. You snap out of your vivid daydream of carrying John back up his stupid stairs bridal style and blink a couple of times, John now refocusing into your vision. “I said, are you ready to go? You completely left the station there for a minute!” he laughs, yanking on your arm to lead you to his van and hopping in the front seat. You’ve managed to call shotgun for all eternity, so no one even questions it when you hop in the passenger side. 

Everyone else piles in and soon you’re all off to the high school. Since your school council is pretty shitty, it’s being held there instead of at a venue like a lot of proms usually are. You guess they’re just gonna deck out the gym or something? This year’s theme is Under The Sea, and you could hear Bro watching the Little Mermaid this morning for the third time in a row, so let’s just say you’re not exactly the MOST excited for the theme.

John plays the mixtape you gave him for his birthday on the way and you can feel the air thick with excitement as everyone sings along to songs you know they all love. Rose, Sollux, and Terezi are all smooshed in the back seat of John’s van, while you pretend that you don’t notice Jade and Karkat holding hands in the seats behind you.

“My Dad and Bro are, I think, going together and gonna meet us there; he wants pictures of all of us or something lame like that,” John whines. You nod and Karkat audibly sighs from the back seat.

“Shit, Karkat, I wouldn’t complain too much, you don’t wanna disappoint that hot date of yours now would you?” you say, effectively making Karkat blush like a school girl and drop Jade’s hand like it’s hot.

“Yeah Karkat, don’t wanna disappoint me!” she says, poking his red cheeks and grinning like a fool. As much as it kind of grosses you out to admit it, they are sort of really cute together. Cute like baby kittens slowly trying to eat you alive, but cute none the less. You’re sort of glad that he isn’t really into TZ anymore, because, let’s be real, she would fucking eat him alive. Jade at least can keep Karkat under wraps. You can’t wait until the officially start dating because it’s only been like 1000 fucking years and you’re probably gonna be using fucking night cream for you crow’s feet by the time they announce their shitty teen romance.

You still can’t help but wish that you had a shitty teen romance to announce, though, or even just one to keep a secret. You find yourself trying very hard not to stare at John and think about the fact that he is probably going to announce his own romance with the guy he’s been lusting after tonight. You’ve tried to get him to talk about him a little but he mostly just sounds like a tool. You’ve even tried guessing, but he fervently denies every single person and it sort of feels like middle school again. It’s not even like he LIKES the guy, he just wants to sleep with him, but it’s driving you up a goddamn wall not knowing who has you beat out. You mostly just want to have someone to secretly hate and blame for all your own romantic misfortunes, too bad that’s not gonna happen anytime soon.

John pulls into the school parking lot and it’s still light outside; with summer approaching soon, the days are a lot longer. Despite the fact that it kinda looks like rain, it’s still the perfect night and you can see your classmates moving around excitedly, all dressed to the nines and waiting to get into the gym for dinner. Everyone seems to have a date except Rose and John. Even the weird cat girl and the sweaty guy from the football team are going together. Mr. Egbert and Bro pull up in John’s Dad’s car and hop out, calling out all over for a picture. Sollux goes find Eridan (begrudgingly) and you walk over with the others and wait to have your picture taken.

“Shit, never thought I’d be one of the lucky saps to land a date to this shit,“ you say, wrapping your arm around Terezi’s waist and standing beside Jade and Karkat, who are mimicking your position. You feel the corners of your lips turn up a little knowing that this has probably been Karkat’s romantic wet dream for a good part of the new year now and, shit, you’re pretty happy for the asshole.  

“Son, go stand beside the strapping young Strider; Rose, go beside with Jade, dear,” Mr. Egbert says, ushering John beside you and sticking his pipe in his mouth. You roll your eyes and awkwardly manage not to smile for the picture until John starts loudly humming the ghost busters theme. You eventually crack a smile and try to not to think about how Bro is 100% going to put this in the corniest frame he can find. After the group photo, you do the traditional all boys, then all girls, just couples, boring shit - moving on.

Sollux manages to return exactly after John’s Dad waves goodbye and Bro heads inside to start getting ready, with Eridan marching in front of him, dressed to the fucking nines in basically the fanciest suit you’ve ever seen and a stupid freshly dyed purple stripe in his dark brown hair.

“Oh, we’ve missed the pictures. Sol, we have to get pictures inside now,” he says, and you have to resist the urge to punch him. Despite the fact the he’s the one who stopped Sollux from jumping, one of your best bros going to prom with the guy who thought it would be a fucking blast to kick the shit out of you for months isn’t exactly your cup of tea. Not that you even drink tea. You’ve yet to reach that level of pretentiousness in a drink yet, but you’ll get there one day; maybe Bro will finally be proud of you when you can enjoy your sleepy-time-chai tea leaf water baby and actually do something useful with your life.

Wait. You’ve lost where you’re going with this. The point is, Eridan is a dickhole and prom is going to stupid with him around. Terezi seems to notice you staring extra hard at the two of them and tightens her grip on your arm, nudging you to look at her.

“We can trip him later. It will be fine,” she whispers to you, a wicked smile on her face. You grin and head into the gym behind them, trying to find your respective seat. The gym is decked out in the most ridiculous décor you could ever fucking dream of; there’s some sort of giant octopus thing made out of various streamers hanging from the ceiling, which nicely matches the fucking hundreds of fish that hung around it. The walls are covered in seaweed-looking stuff and there was a –

“Holy fucking shit,” you swear, running to the DJ booth. “Bro,” you say seriously, looking up at your brother, who is decked out in his own coconut bra and merman tail-looking thing. You choose to ignore that and instead point out the best thing in the room. “You got a fucking bubble machine,” you laugh as he holds out his fist for you to bump. Terezi gives a weird squawk of delight and demands that Bro turn it on immediately.

“Sorry, little lady,” he says, patting her head. “Not until the party starts. Until then, sit the fuck down, kids.” He speaks like he isn’t only 7 years older than you. You both nod and Terezi frowns at you as you walk back to the table, where the rest of your friends (minus Sollux) are waiting. 

“Dave. Can you do me a favour tonight?” Terezi asks you, before you get too close to the table. You quirk a brow at her and stop.

“Sup?”

“I want to make someone jealous, so I might need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for the night,” she says flatly. Your eyes widen a little behind your shades. It’s not that you have a problem with doing that at all; to be honest, you’ve never really have been anyone’s boyfriend, so you’re not really sure how to act like one. You didn’t even know that Terezi was interested in someone, or you would have gone with Rose.

“I- yeah. That’s fine. No worries, TZ, your fucking knight in shining armour is right here. All aboard the train to fucking swoonville, babe, that dude is gonna shit himself with envy when I’m…holding your hand and shit,” you say, smoothly as possible. Terezi rolls her eyes and grabs your hand instead of your arms. You suddenly are acutely aware about how sweaty your hands are.

“Calm down, Dave. You’re not my real boyfriend, it’s not like I need you to put out or anything,” she laughs, dragging you to the table for real this time.

“Rude, I always put out Terezi,” you snap back, flushing a little as you both sit down. John overhears your conversation and gives you a questioning look before staring down at you and your date’s linked hands. He blinks a couple of times before looking away, a weird expression on his face. You’re about to explain to him the game plan when the Valedictorian clears his throat and starts his speech.

Tavros Nitram (who you think is Mr. Nitram’s younger brother, way less hot though) goes on for at least ten minutes in the most painful speech you’ve ever heard. What you could say in about five minutes he drags into ten with a series of ‘um’s’ and ‘uh’s’ that nearly is the death of you. He’s a nice guy, though, and you think that he probably won Valedictorian because he managed to get out of his wheelchair with therapy and joined every club possible while he still could. 

It’s not like you’re really paying attention, though; he could be telling you exactly how to win a boatload of money so you could live on a giant vacation for the rest of your life and even put Bro in a nice home when he turns 50 or so, but you would have no idea, because you’re too busy staring at John out of the corner of your eyes.

John looks weird being alone at the school dance, like he should have a date, and it’s kind of weird that he doesn’t. Lots of girls have asked him, but he refused them all. Even a couple of dudes did but he just wanted to go alone. He chews on his lips and his blue eyes look a little glazed over as he stares at Tavros. Fucking sap is probably taking all the corny shit he’s talking about straight to heart. He even looks like he might cry near the end of it. John is just that type of dude, though, he gets all sentimental about shit that doesn’t mean anything to you and you sort of just respect it. Or at least, it’s sort of fucking adorable. 

When Tavros finally finishes and walks off stage with his fancy robot legs, John turns back to all of you and grins as people start bringing over food.

“Tavros was right, this year has had shitty parts, but… I don’t think it’s been all bad! We did have that really awesome Halloween party!”

“John, the rival football team used you as their own personal punching bag,” Karkat points out. That’s true. Everyone nods as you remember yanking Caliborn off of Jake as some point and slamming him into the swing-set.

“Oh. Yeah, but New Year’s wasn’t bad!” he says, trying again. You briefly wonder if he remembers that you gave him a handjob and ruined your entire friendship the next day.

“Wait, didn’t you start your terrible relationship with Vriska back up after New Year’s?” Terezi asks, and everyone else’s nods again.

“My Birthday party?”

“Sollux tried to kill himself.”

“Right,” he mutters, looking a little defeated before his face lights up once more. “Wait! Something good did happen this year!” he says, and everyone looks up at him, waiting for him to state what could have possibly not made this year completely shitty.  “Dave moved here!” he grins, slapping his hand on your back. You feel a hot blush crawl up your cheeks and almost want to hit John for being so fucking corny.

“Shit, bro, way to just fucking spray cheese all over prom,” you mumble, still flushing a lot; Rose and Jade let out a long, drawn out aww before Karkat speaks up too.

“Yeah, I guess we did get Strider, that was a total bust,” he says, giving you small smile before trying to look like he didn’t care that much. Terezi grins besides you and kisses your cheek.

“Yeah, you make an okay prom date, too,” she laughs, and everyone else joins her. You are suddenly filled with a sickeningly sweet appreciation for your friends and desperately try to change the subject before you start thinking that despite everything that’s happened this year, it’s still been the best one in your entire life.

“Yeah, you guys aren’t completely terrible either. Oh look, food,” you say, shoving your mouth full of the pasta one of the teachers put in front of you before anyone could say anything else. Everyone is distracted with their food and soon enough you’ve all finished and decided that you should probably head to the dance floor. Bro has already started playing music and this is far better than any sort of shit you hear at school proms in movies and stuff. You grab the small bottle of Vodka you managed to sneak in and take a quick swig when none of the teachers are looking before offering it to Terezi.

“I’ll be fine Dave, I have bigger irons in the fire than that,” she says; you look at he as she grins and opens up her purse for you. Inside, you see what looks like a tube of lipstick and a scarf.

“Shit, TZ, you’re gonna have to get more specific with me here,” you say as she sighs and pulls away the inside of the scarf until a giant bottle cheap sangria slides out from underneath of it.

“Vriska and I aren’t going to let this party go to waste. Don’t get lonely, I’ll be back soon,” she says, pecking you on the cheek and filtering back into the crowd to find the spider bitch. You look around and see that you’ve already lost the majority of your friends. You decide to pay a visit to Bro instead, figuring that at least you can get in a couple of song requests or something before you have to hunt any of your friends down.

You manage to squeeze your way through what seems like miles of classmates you honestly never even knew you had until you get to the DJ booth; a couple of people are already up there making requests, so you just wait to talk to Bro. After they finally leave, you look down at the sheet and groan. There is no way that Bro is even gonna take a second look at the sheet, let’s be real. He takes of his headphones and lets you into the booth.

“What’s up, kid?” he yells over the music. You shrug and lean against the wall.

“Lost all my friends already,” you yell back. He nods and points to a group of people dancing in the corner, you quickly recognize the group of people as your friends and feel the corners of your mouth turn up. They all look like giant loser nerds when they dance.

“I didn’t know you and the blind girl were so close. Thought you were sweet on that Egbert kid,” Bro yells; you’re about to punch him when you realize that there is no possible way that anyone can hear him because _you_ can hardly hear him.

“She asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend so she could make some other kid see green. Not that I blame her, I would have asked me, too,” you shrug and Bro nods sympathetically. “How are you even supposed to be a boyfriend anyway?”

“Just make her feel as important as she is. Lay on the cheese, whisper in her ear, and kiss her whenever possible. Look her in the eyes when she talks and smile. The other guy is gonna fucking lose it,” he says seriously, adjusting his coconut bra. You thank Bro and head off into the dance floor to find your friends, now actually having a vague idea where they all are.

You manage to squeeze your way through the giant crowd of sweaty, well-dressed, dancing teenagers and find your friends, all breaking it down accordingly. Terezi grins when you get close to her and drags you to dance.

“How did the spiking of the punch go?” you ask her as she moves her hips in perfect rhythm to the song. She grins at you and opens her purse, showing you the empty bottle.

“Give it 20 minutes and this party is gonna get a lot more fun,” she laughs, looking around and pulling you closer. You’re grinding now but it’s not really as intense as when you were forced into it at the bar with Caliborn. It’s actually not really that terrible at all. Terezi looks over at Karkat and Jade, who are both fist-pumping to the song off tune and smiles a little.

“Is it weird? Them being kinda together and shit?” you ask her, hoping that it wasn’t too forward. Terezi shrugs and keeps dancing.

“No. I’m happy for him. After the football game he was always on edge around me, and it was suffocating. He can be who he is around her,” she says, just loud enough for you to barely hear and you can’t help but think that she’s telling the truth.

“What happened at the football game anyway? I know about the guy and the leg and the dog thing with John and Vriska but I heard shit went up in flames and you and Karkat broke up because of it,” you ask, hoping that she might actually tell you this time. She looks at you through her glasses and you can’t shake the feeling that she’s looking directly into your eyes despite the fact she has no idea where they are.

“I guess I can trust you enough. Don’t bring this up to him ever though. I mean _ever_ , cool-kid,“ she says. You give her your scout’s honour and she continues. “When we first started dating, Karkat smoked. I think it was a self-destructive thing, or it was just to impress me, either way it was stupid. But when that rabid dog attacked a guy in the stands, he dropped his cigarette. The whole thing lit up like a Christmas tree and while we were trying to escape, I got trampled. I hit my head so hard that my vision was gone. I don’t miss seeing, but after that he was so touchy about everything. We had to break up. Oh, and there was this thing with Tavros but-“ Terezi cuts herself off and looks past your shoulder. You didn’t really realize it but the song has turned slow and her eyes flick back towards you.  “Who’s around us right now?” she asks you, looking serious. You start to name off as many people as you can see, a little confused. Aside from all your friends there are a few kids you recognize briefly from your bio class and a guy from your music class too.

“Why? Is something going down?” you ask her, shifting your hands to her waist while she puts hers around your shoulders to match the mood of the music. She leans in close and puts her lips beside your ear.

“Make out with me, right now. Time to make someone jealous. Will you? Or are you too much of a chicken to kiss a girl?” she asks. You can feel her breath hot on your neck and you flush, not really expecting her to fucking ask to mac on you in the middle of prom. You briefly think of John, if only for a second, and feel a little guilty because, shit, you really really want to be playing tonsil hockey with him. 

“Shit, right now?” you ask, hesitating a little. She hums against your collarbones and you can almost hear yourself swallow. You guess you don’t really mind. If she needs you to, you’re not gonna say no. She starts slowly kissing up you neck and you let her. It’s not exactly unpleasant or anything, it feels nice enough. Eventually, she reaches your lips, and you have to bend down a little to meet her, your height different loudly apparent. Her lips are soft enough. You briefly think that you’ll probably be wearing her lipstick after, but she’s not really bad at kissing. It’s a little hasty for the start of a kiss, but then again, you’re supposed to look like you’re really into it, right? So you meet her lips eagerly with each kiss and she starts smiling into them.

“You’re not half bad, cool-kid,” she says before she wraps her arms around your neck to deepen the kiss. You tighten your grip on her waist in return, meeting her tongue when she prods your mouth open with her own. 

You wonder if John has noticed you kissing her before you note that Terezi tastes exactly like red jellybeans and you have no idea why. It fits her, though, and you’re not even really surprised. You nip at her bottom lip and suck just a little and she sighs happily, almost laughing into your mouth. It’s not uncomfortable kissing her, really. When she jumps up to wrap her legs around your waist, you almost start laughing yourself. It just feels like a joke; you’re sure that you guys look into it enough from the outside, but while you’re kissing Terezi, you honestly feel nothing but just a genuine like towards her. 

It’s not until you find Miss Snowman tapping on your shoulder that you let go of her, looking back towards your teacher’s disapproving face.

“You really couldn’t wait until after prom to let it out, Mr. Strider?” she asks you, and you shrug, trying not to crack a smile.

“Sorry Miss. S, but when duty calls,” you retort as Terezi cracks up behind you, cackling enough to make Miss Snowman turn away in a huff.

You turn back towards Terezi and start dancing normally again, but not until you look at your other friends. Rose is giving you a strange, amused look, while Karkat and Jade are in their own world dancing with each other. It’s when you look at John that an overwhelming guilt floods you. He’s staring at the both of you, looking a little shocked. You suddenly feel bad that it wasn’t him you were kissing. Which is basically the most stupid thing ever, it’s not like either of you have any sort of commitment towards each other. Still, you can’t help but feel like you betrayed him a little, despite your good intentions.

“Shit, John, I forgot to tell you, Terezi just-“ you start, awkwardly rubbing at your neck. John cuts you off before you can finish, sounding more upset than you kind of expected.

“No, dude, its fine! I just, I thought you would tell me if you were into someone is all,” he laughs, clearly not okay with any of this.

“What! No man, Terezi and I are- John?” you say, stopping when you realize that John is already gone.

You fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, like I said, this one is a two-parter and prom is not over yet! Thank you for being patient with me, comments and stuff are always appreciated! Also, if you like this fic please go and check out the other one-shot I just posted! I worked pretty hard on it and it would be hella if you checked it out :)


	18. CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom part two, not gonna like this chapter is just basically everyone wanting to make out with someone.

==> Panic

Your name is John Egbert, and you are not panicking! Panicking would be really stupid, first of all, why you would you be panicking? You mean, yeah, hyperventilating a little, sure. That doesn’t mean you’re panicking, though! It just shocked you, is all. You mean, that part where Dave was kissing Terezi - gosh, it wasn’t even kissing, they were basically tongue-fucking in the middle of the dance floor! You take another gulp of air.

This is stupid.

First of all, Dave is your best friend and if he wants to slander his name at prom then you should support him. You’re just sort of hurt, is all. You thought he would tell you if he liked someone; heck, you basically told him that you’re sort of pining for a slice of Strider pie! Well, you didn’t tell him that it’s him whose bones you wanna jump, but it was as close as you could get! You think that he ran to come find you, but you’ve actually gotten pretty good at avoiding Dave when you need to. So, you’re sitting in one of the girls’ washrooms like every cliché prom story ever.

The worst part is that, well, you’ve never seen Dave really kiss anyone before, ever, and the one time he kissed you, you can hardly remember it all. But for the five seconds you watched it happen, it was…

Shit, it was kind of hot.

You groan and smack your head against the side of the stall. You hate your stupid dumb hormones making you attracted to your best friend. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Okay, so maybe you can’t really think of anyone else you could want. Maybe Terezi? Ugh, no. Not that she’s not cool or anything, but you don’t think you could handle feeling like she was going to laugh at you the entire time you’re banging or something. Not that you want to bang Dave! Okay, well, maybe a little, but not like butt-stuff! That’s really gay. You’re not gay, you’re just figuring it out, is all. People go through this kind of stuff all the time, it’s fine!

You really should have known. Maybe Dave expected you to just know? The signs were all there. They’ve been pretty close since Archaeology Club, and they have a back-and-forth banter that’s way better than then one you have with him. Also, he asked her to prom, which has to mean something. They were holding hands all dinner…and during the pictures, too. You groan again and feel completely stupid. You are the worst friend. It is you.

The door swings open and a group of girls runs in, giggling about something and fixing their make-up, the music becoming loud again just for a few seconds while it’s open. You put your feet up on the seat and sigh. This is stupid. There’s a small knock on the door though.

Who knocks on a stall door?

Suddenly, you see Jade’s head peaking under the stall, and she grins up at you. You unlock the door and she slides in, leaning on the back of it.

“Jeez, Jade, I could have been peeing or something!” you say, trying to sound annoyed. She laughs at you and brushes a strand of her hair back.

“Do you know how many camping trips we’ve been on together? I’ve peed beside you, silly,” she says, rolling her eyes. You mumble something about that not even counting. “So, not to be weird or anything, but if you’re not peeing, then why are you hiding in the girls’ washroom?” she asks, giving you a sympathetic look.

“I-I dunno. Never been in a girls’ bathroom before? I thought prom seemed like a really good time to try new things,” you laugh awkwardly, rubbing your hand in your hair, forgetting that you actually tried to flatten it earlier. Jade doesn’t look like she buys it, though.

“Was it Dave kissing Terezi? John, are you jealous?” she asks you, her eyes wide. You flush and shake your head.

“What! No, that’s stupid, Dave can kiss who he wants, I don’t care. He can kiss Karkat for all I care, why would I care who he kisses or if he told me he was going to kiss them or not. I’m his best friend, I know when he likes people, Jade, I’m not mad! Or jealous! I don’t care,” you huff, crossing your arms and avoiding Jade’s eyes.

“You’re stupid, John. You really think that Dave’s into her? You’ve been friends for a year now and you think that he likes her!? Out of all the people he could like, all of them, you think it’s Terezi?” she yells at you, slapping your arm. You frown and rub the spot on your arm.

“Well, he was kissing her and holding her hand and stuff!” you yell back, throwing your arms in the air. Jade matches your expression flawlessly and groans.

“I can’t believe you. You know what, if you haven’t figure it out by now, I can’t help you, John!” she says, utterly defeated. You raise a brow at her and shake your head.

“What am I supposed to figure out!?” Just tell me!” you beg, hoping that she actually might give you a clue as to what everyone seems to know but you. She shakes her head instead.

“Open your eyes, John. Get out of this stall, people are gonna think you’re making out with your cousin,” she growls, shoving you out of the stall. The 20-something girls don’t even seem to notice you leaving with Jade following behind you, trapped in their own worlds.

You both exit back into the gym, the bass speakers so loud you can feel it vibrate through your body. Jade grabs your arm and drags you back around the gym, trying to find the rest of your friends; eventually she does, but you manage to escape her grip just in time to dart behind another group of people. You’re just not ready to get back out there yet and talk to Dave.

A tiny part of you yells that you’re afraid he actually likes Terezi. If Dave gets a girlfriend, he’ll be gone all the time hanging out with her. When he told you he mostly likes guys (in a few words) you were a little relieved, to be honest. It meant that he wasn’t going anywhere soon. All the guys he and you know are either straight, taken, or just not his type. For a while, you thought that Sollux might be a thing, but he’s not ready for anything right now, no way.

There’s a tap on your shoulder and you turn to find Rose smiling at you.

“Avoiding someone?” she asks, having moved away from your group of friends as well. You shrug; you don’t feel like being interrogated by both Jade AND Rose. She looks at you for a minute before holding out her hand. “We don’t have to speak about it if you don’t want to, John. Would you like to dance?” she asks instead.

You smile a little and place your hands on her waist while she puts hers around your neck, smiling as well and swaying to the music. It’s the second slow song of the night. Usually at school dances, there are about 5. So you only have to feel weird about Dave and Terezi for another three dances, that’s it. Rose rests her head on your chest and pulls you closer. It feels nice to just dance with your friend.

“You are aware that Dave is looking for you instead of enjoying prom, correct?” she mumbles into your chest. You stare past her head, seeing if you could see him. You can’t, but you can see Terezi, whose decided to dance with Vriska, getting spun dramatically by your ex-girlfriend. Despite everything that’s happened, you still don’t regret breaking up with her. She seems a lot happier now. You are too! Maybe not right now but you like hanging out with Dave again, if that’s even gonna happen after this.

“Have you apologized to Kanaya yet?” you ask, changing the subject abruptly. You feel Rose stiffen a little in your arms.

“I haven’t. I was going to talk to her before the next ballad. She…looks quite beautiful tonight, too,” Rose mumbles, flushing a little. You can tell this is important to her, since she never does either of those things ever. You feel your hands tighten around her waist automatically, basically hugging her to you now.

“She really does. I can help you find her if you want? I don’t really want Dave to find me yet. Let me do something first, though, okay! I’ll be right back!” you say, letting go of Rose and ignoring her confused face as you head off into the crowd.

…

Finding Bro was the easy part, getting up to him is what’s hard. Bro stands behind the DJ booth, not really currently mixing with anything, just letting the song play. You somehow manage to sneak behind all your classmates requesting songs and tap Bro on the shoulder. He turns around to stare at you from his pointed anime shades and you are face to face with his coconut bra.

“Oh, ‘Sup Egbert?” he asks, jumping down from his booth so your head was more at eye-level now. You sigh in relief. “How’s prom going? Oh man, did you see Dave and that blind girl? Hilarious,” he laughs, and you wince a little, thinking that maybe going to find Bro isn’t the best idea.

“What? Oh yeah. That. I didn’t know Dave liked Terezi. I thought he might have told me, at least,“ you huff. Bro looks at you for a second and his face suddenly twists like he’s had some sort of revelation.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, well, sometimes you just gotta make out with your sight-deprived friends, right?” he laughs awkwardly. You shrug and think that maybe you should just forfeit the plan. “Woah Egbert, don’t have to get all fucking pouty on me, I didn’t steal your goddamn candy or anything. What can I do for ya, kid?” he asks. You motion for him to bring his face in closer and tell him your brilliant and a little corny plan. He stares at you, eyes wide behind his shades.

“That is fucking beautiful. Every part. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that shit before. Kid, you are invited over for dinner every night this week, well, if we make food, but fuck, Egbert. That is not only a fairly high-level bucket of cold, hard irony you’re dropping, but on top of that, you’re fucking mixing some romance into this soup. I love it. You have my word. Next song,” he agrees and you grin.

“Thanks! I mean, it’s for Rose, right?” you say, Bro shrugs.

“And all the other lonely fucking saps out there. Go help her, I got shit under wraps here,” he says, winking before shooing you off to find Rose. She is exactly where you left her, waiting for you to come back.

“Have you done everything you need to?” she asks, her arms folded across her chest. You grin and nod.

“Obviously! Let’s go find your woman, Rose! You have to woo her! It’s time to get her back,” you shout, grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her through the crowds. Kanaya isn’t really that hard to miss. Her dress is a dark shade of sparkling green and you have to admit she does look really beautiful. Rose turns to you, her eyes wide.

“John, I’m not sure I can go through with this,” she says, gripping on to your arm. You smile and pull her off of you.

“Of course you can! I know you can, Rose; you’re going to get her back and if not, then, she doesn’t know what she’s missing,” you say and as if on cue, Bro’s voice echoes over the gym through the end of the next song.

“In the spirit of being under the sea, this is the time for all you romantic saps to grab your sugar and make a move. Enjoy this request,” he says, his voice going low and charismatic over the microphone. Then “Kiss The Girl” starts playing, and the crowd yells in appreciation.

Rose glares at you as you laugh. “John, you did not.”

“I did. Sorry, Rose. Go kiss your girl!” you say, shoving her in the direction of her ex-girlfriend.  You watch as she calmly walks up to her and makes a small conversation, Kanaya looking surprised to see her but smiling, too. You decide it’s probably best to leave them alone and go back to find your friends.

Your friends happen to be Sollux yelling at Eridan that he absolutely cannot grind to “a goddamn Dithney thong” and Karkat and Jade, arguing about something else.

“I don’t care how romantic you think the song is, he had no idea who she even was, or what Ariel was like at all. You might have just as well put a stamp on the movie that says, warning: girls are depicted as only being worth something when they have a body that fits societal norms! She literally used just her body to get him to kiss her, he just learned her name and knew nothing about her at all! What kind of message is that?” she shouts, as Karkat threw his hands in the air.

“That’s not the point Harley! If you fucking opened your eyes your supposed to realize that he didn’t need to know anything about her to love her, he just did! It’s class fucking A romance, love at first sight, and had you taken one fucking hour to actually educate yourself on romantic films you might realize that-“ he yells before you cut him off.

“Will you two just kiss already and put us all out of our misery?!” you yell, louder than the both of them. They both stare at you for a second, their cheeks cherry red. Karkat is about to argue with you when Jade stops him.

“Fuck it,” she murmurs, yanking him by his tie to her face, kissing him hard.

You didn’t expect that to actually work.

You give out a wolf whistle while Karkat’s eyes nearly bug out of his head before he realizes that he is supposed to kiss her back and pulls her closer to him. You smile a little and decide that you should probably leave them alone, too, instead of awkwardly watching them make out. You turn to go and stand against the wall, waiting for someone to stop making googly-eyes at someone else long enough to hang out with you when you see Dave smiling and leaning over Terezi, awfully fucking close to her face with his hand planted beside her.

Fuck this.

You turn and half run to the doors, making the most dramatic exit you’ve ever made. You don’t really care, though. You just want to go home.

You sort of wish you didn’t go to prom alone.

You don’t really know what you were thinking when you said no to everyone who asked you! You just…didn’t want to go with any of them. You figured that Dave would go alone, too, and maybe you guys could go as bros or something, but then he got a date and that didn’t happen. You considered going with Rose, but you knew that she had someone she would rather be going with and you couldn’t get in the way of that. When you said no to all those people, you had no idea that everyone else you know would have someone to be close too, not as friends but to kiss and stuff.

You probably wouldn’t have minded kissing Dave.

Not that like, it wouldn’t have happened! Especially at prom, then everyone would see and think you’re dating, which isn’t true! Besides, a lot of people think that now. You would’ve been happy even just having him to hang around with to make fun of everyone starting at each other with hearts in their eyes.

This is stupid.

You pull out your keys from your pocket and open your van, sitting in the front seat. You can’t really leave, a lot of people need you for rides home, but you’ll just wait in the car until this entire night is over and you can go home, take off this stupid suit, and masturbate until you feel better. You turn on the van just enough so you can listen to Dave’s mixtape while you wait.

You will admit it any day that his stupid mixtape is probably one of your most prized possessions. You know some of the songs, a lot of them are ones you both listen to together all the time, some of them are from memories. Like the song “Want You Back” by the Jackson 5, you sang that one at him out your window when he was still mad at you. Honestly, you’re a little surprised he remembered a lot of the stuff on there. Some of the songs are just songs he thought you might like, he was right about all of those too. Just as “Mr. Brightside” comes on, the other side of your van opens up and Dave climbs in the passenger seat.

“John, why the fuck are you hanging out in your van instead of at prom? You get one of these things once a life, dude, no takesies-basksies, and you’re spending it in this hunk of metal?” he asks, sitting with his feet on the dashboard in the passenger seat and facing you. You refuse to look at him and stare out the window. You are 100% a child, it is you.

“It’s boring. Everyone is too busy with someone else to hang, and I don’t feel like watching all my friends kiss each other,” you grumble.

“I saw Rose and Kan kissing a little after you left, I guess they’re back together. Shit, even Sollux looked a little close to that fucking asshole Eridan. Jade and Karkat, too,” he says, blatantly leaving out the fact that he was making out with Terezi, as well.

“You’re forgetting that you sucked face with Terezi, too. I’m glad you had such a good time; is she your girlfriend now or something?” you ask, sounding a little more bitter than you meant to. You finally turn to face Dave to get his answer and he stares at you for a second.

“Holy shit, John, are you jealous?” he asks, an incredulous look painted on his face, noticeable even with his shades on. You feel your cheeks get hot and are sort of at a loss of what to say. “What the fuck, you are! John Egbert, you are jealous of Terezi Pyrope,” he repeats, a smile growing on his face.

“I-I’m not!” you protest, your face growing redder and redder. Dave sees right through you anyway.

“You are, though! You’re acting like the teenage girl in every 80’s classic where her heart gets broken at prom and she runs outside of the school until the love of her life chases her and tells her that it was her he loved all along and he made a mistake and, baby, he promises that he can change. Then they kiss and Karkat gets a weird boner,” he says, his face a little red too.

“Shut up! Fuck you. I dunno. I guess I am,” you say slowly, avoiding his eyes, er, shades, again. He quirks a brow at you as an invitation for you to actually explain yourself.

“Baby, I promise I can change.”

“Dave, shut up! Look, I guess when I saw you kissing her, I thought you liked her, and stuff, and Dave, if you get a girlfriend, we won’t hang out anymore! I was fucking stupid and it was the worst after New Year’s but you finally forgave me and we just started hanging out again and I don’t want you to go away. I just got you back,” you say, voice cracking embarrassingly on the last part. You decide to leave out the part where you kind of want to be the one kissing him instead but like in private. With more boners.

Dave stares at you for a second he snorts. The fucking asshole starts laughing and doesn’t stop. You’ve only seen him do this a couple of times and if you weren’t really embarrassed and kind of ma  you would probably treasure this, but he’s laughing at you! “John,” he starts, catching his breath, “I’m not going anywhere, bro. Terezi asked me to act like her boyfriend so she could make someone jealous. I guess it worked on you, instead, but I don’t like her like that, man. Like kissing a friend as a favour. I tried to tell you that but you ran off like a squirrel near a lawnmower before I could fucking get a goddamn word in.”

Oh… well, fuck, that made more sense. Your blushing gets a little dangerous and you hide your face in your arms. “So… you don’t want to date Terezi?” you ask, muffled by the sleeves of your jacket. Dave pokes you hard and you look up at him. He’s kneeling across from you, his arms outstretched.

“John, come here. Right now. Don’t leave me hanging, bro, I’m not fucking around; come here, it’s bro hugging time,” he demands, waving his hands at you to hurry up. You laugh and lean up out of your seat, joining him in a hug. Dave is warm and, even though his suit is kind of stiff, it’s nice. “I’m not fucking going anywhere, stupid,” he mumbles into your hair. He pulls away and you can practically see the bastard rolling his eyes behind his shades. Stupid Striders. “Now, if you don’t mind, I got a fucking prom date to propose too. Sorry for not telling you earlier, bro, but TZ and I are getting hitched and making some dumpster babies, hope you’re cool with it. You’re going to be godfather,” he says seriously, sitting back down into his seat.

“I’ll be the best godfather, Dave, I’ll even consider letting them take over the mob when I’m gone,” you reply, sitting back down in your own seat.

“You coming back in?”

You stop and stare back at Dave, the silence in the car a little awkward. You turn on the mix, letting it fill the air as you think about what you’re actually going to do. It’s good that Dave isn’t leaving you forever, but that doesn’t really mean you’re down to watch everyone make out while you awkwardly Macarena in the background alone. One of the slower songs, an Elvin Bishop song, croons its lyrics in your ear. “I…not yet. I think I’m done with prom. Might just go home and order a pizza and wait for it to be over? I’ll come and pick everyone up later or something,” you shrug. Dave looks scandalized.

“Dude, you think I’m gonna let you ditch out on prom without me? No fucking way, TZ can handle herself for the rest of the night man just fine. I’m coming with you; fuck prom, I vote pizza and bro times any goddamn day. Maybe we can listen to this shit and cry a little in the van, go to the corner store and get some ice cream. Make little voodoo dolls of the guys that broke our hearts. Bonding shit,” he grins, shucking off his jacket and throwing it in the back seat.

You try not to notice how good he looks in his teal button up and red tie. It’s a little tight around his arms, making him look a little beefier than he actually is, but it’s not like it doesn’t show off how in shape he really is. He looks good. Shit.

“Really, Dave? You don’t have to do that. Besides, what will our friends think? Running off into the night together at prom? We’ll be a hometown scandal,” you reply, grinning like a fool. Dave matches your expression and puts his hand on your shoulder.

“For you, Egbert, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m gonna go find TZ, tell her the news. In the meantime, flip over the goddamn tape, Egbert, you only ever listen to the one side; it’s like you don’t care,” he says dramatically, letting go of your shoulder and hopping out of the van. You watch him jog towards the gym doors before flinging them open and running into the still-going dance. Another side, huh? You never thought that it might have been double recorded.

You shove it into the tape player and wait for the music to start, but it doesn’t. Instead, it crackles into what you quickly recognize as Dave’s voice. You can hear him tuning the guitar in the background and he quickly launches into what you take as an explanation.

“So, if you finally figured out that this tape has another side to it, then you probably also figured out that I am the corniest motherfucker around and I kinda wanted to make this mean something more than just me handing you a bunch of rad songs and calling it a day. This is really embarrassing, so if I actually tell you about the other side instead of you figuring it out...you know that it’s driving me fucking insane that you haven’t even mentioned it. Seriously, Egbert, I poured my goddamn heart in this and you didn’t say a word? Rude. Or maybe you have listened to it, I dunno. If you have, ignore that last part, it was stupid,” you snort, feeling a little guilty that you didn’t figure it out right away.

 “Anyway, you probs don’t remember, but the first time we hung out we jammed pretty hard; you were playing some sick piano beats and I was hitting some strings and shit. I wrote it down when I got home like a fucking nerd, and anyway…here’s Wonder Wall,” he says, starting to play the first couple of chords of “Wonder Wall”. You full out laugh and smile against your steering wheel. The next song comes on. “I was just kidding, here’s the song,” he says quickly, before starting to play something that sounds completely familiar, but you still can’t place the parts that come next.

It’s- it’s really nice. Dave re-made the song, adding in the piano parts electronically, but he finished it and even added the humming, and it’s perfect. The piano still sounds just like something you would write, but it’s the perfect mix of you and Dave, and you curse yourself for being sappy, too.

You’ve said it before, but you still can’t believe that there was a time where you hated Dave. Yeah, he can be an asshole sometimes but no more than you. You’ve spent most of your year with him. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you’re so glad that you decided to explode the cake your Dad gave the Strider’s the day they moved in. You would have never met Dave if you didn’t, or, at least, wouldn’t have had a sick pranking war. Dave would just be some dude that’s related to Rose if you didn’t invite him to your Halloween party, and who knows what kind of shape you would be in if he didn’t show up! He built snow forts with you at two in the morning, no questions asked. He gave you more sleepover dance jams than a guy could ask for. He forgave you for leaving him for months. Fuck, Dave is even gonna ditch prom just to hang out with you instead.

You think that you probably love Dave. He’s your best friend, of course you love him. There is no one else you would rather be around with than him. As if on cue, he comes back to the car, flinging open the car door just as the song finishes. His usual smirk disappears and his face goes a little red.

“Oh. You finally listened to it. Did you-“

“Dave I loved it. Best gift ever,” you say, grinning back at him before he can even finish. Dave turns his back away from you and mumbles something about it not being a big deal. You start the car and he immediately scrunches up his jacket and decides to nap on the ride home.

During the stoplights, you can see his eyes fluttering behind his shades and his mouth is hanging open just a little. When you pull into your driveway Dave snaps awake like he doesn’t even know what a nap is and hops out of the car.

“Dibs on not calling in pizza!” he yells, rushing into your house. As you watch him go, you let out a long, low breath and suddenly the van feels emptier than it’s ever felt before. 

You don’t just love Dave Strider; you think you’re falling in love with him, too.

Then, you panic. You don’t remember feeling like you feel in love with him! You can’t pick a point where it makes sense and you love him. You’re just, falling in love with Dave Strider. When you manage to get out of the van and walk into your house, you find him on the couch chanting something about you hurrying the fuck up because he was promised movies and he wants Jurassic Park right fucking now.  You smile and sit beside him, pulling one of your cheap magic tricks and making it look like you just pulled the movie out of your jacket. He lets out a whoop and leans back, running his hand through his hair, a stupid smile plastered on his face, not even a dumb smirk like usual. Suddenly the panic is gone and you wonder how you ever thought that you weren’t stupidly in love with Dave Strider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am weak. Not gonna lie I've had this chapter done nearly right after the last one but I kinda wanted to space them out ya know? Make it a little interesting ya know? Well I am WEAK AND I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO READ MY DUMB FIC AND IM SORRY. I'm not even gonna lie, I have half of the last chapter done already. It says its gonna be 20 chapters, but that's just because I'm debating writing a little thing afterwards for it. The fic itself is gonna be 19 chapters long. Sorry. Listen, I have another one shot I wrote and I kinda like it, you should read it or whatever, might make you feel better if you actually care about this fic.


	19. THE FINAL FRONTIER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, warning, this chapter is really NSFW, so I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, sorry bro. But yeah the pranking war continues, there are pies, old movies and old ladies abound. Dig it.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you miss Texas. It’s summer and it’s not even hot. If anything, it’s a little colder than your tastes would like. It’s not that you love the taint-chafing death wave of heat that radiates through the state of Texas 8 months a year or anything, but you just sort of miss the place you called home for so long. You miss the roof of your old apartment: you’re tired of strifing in the yard or on the back balcony. You miss the record shop down the road where you and Dirk would spend a stupid amount of time looking for obscurely terrible records. You miss your Dad.

You were never that close; he made some movies, and he was never home. He wanted at least one of you to go to Texas State and if you’re being honest, you knew it was going to have to be you. You’ve talked about it with Bro a little. He was a little skeptical at first, since you have all your friends here. You know that, but you’ve been alone before, you can do it again. You applied to other schools too, ones in Washington, just in case you change your mind, but,you don’t think you can stay here anymore. You just want to go back when things weren’t hard and you didn’t have to dance on fucking eggshells around your best friend because you’re stupidly in love with him and you need a life. You have to let go. You’re tired, you’re tired of following him around like a fucking love sick puppy who is never gonna get goddamn adopted.

You have no idea how to tell John.

It’s been about a week since graduation, and you remember nothing about the party that was thrown. All you know is that you drank about as much as a camel before trekking into the desert for a week. You passed with pretty good grades; Rose and Jade did better, but you and John both managed to just pass math. With the start of summer meant some other things, too. Inevitably, the prank war has restarted in full fucking force, and you mean that you can’t leave the house without looking around for incoming fucking water balloons or goddamn plastic wrap over your door.

You haven’t left the house in three days.

“Daveyy you’re slandering our name. Eggybuns is over there, plotting his next move and you’re just gonna sit and mope? Get you head in the game, Strider,” Roxy laughs, petting your hair affectionately as she drapes herself over your futon.  Rose and Bro are out on a demand that you actually have real food in the house and Dirk is lurking somewhere in the garage. Despite the fact that pranking is a family affair Rose had asked that she be left out of any and all shenanigans.

“My head is in the game, Rox. Shaq is gonna start fucking slam dunking it any goddamn second, or least he might if you’d let me fucking get a goddamn thought in,” you grumble, swatting away her hand and flopping back onto her lap.

She’s right. If you’re a dragon then John is a goddamn knight with how hard he’s slaying you right now. As much as you don’t care to admit, John, that little fucking shit, is the Tiger Woods of pranking and you are but a lowly Canadian player who gets on television sometimes but mostly still has to come home to his yelling wife after she works three jobs so you can go live your dream and it’s really starting to not be worth it anymore. 

The last straw was probably when you woke up duct taped to your bed and covered in feathers. You’re not really even sure why they added the feathers but you’re stilling pulling them out of places they really shouldn’t be. In retrospect, giving the Egberts a key to your house probably wasn’t the best idea. It’s not like you don’t have one to theirs, but they are always on high alert. It’s like they have a weird six sense for this sort of thing or something. The last prank you managed to pull took Dirk three days to do and it turns out that shaving cream spontaneously exploding in the house was something that happened regularly anyway.  Basically, you are gonna lose it.

“Aww, don’t give up Davey-baby. Maybe if you beat him, you can demand a kiss as a victory prize!” she laughs, sending a very over-exaggerated wink at you.

“Maybe if I give up I’ll never have to worry about turning fucking purple when I shower,” you sigh, looking up at the crown that was currently displayed proudly on a shelf in your den. John crafted it out of those crowns you get as party favours from the dollar store and stuck on various stickers and stuff. It isn’t much but that doesn’t mean you didn’t wear it around the house for several weeks. He wasn’t even friends with you then, and you still can’t believe he made it for you. An uncomfortable weight in your stomach makes itself known and you shift, trying to shake off the feeling. 

Maybe it would be for the best if you just gave it back to him.

“Whatchya thinkin bout?” Roxy asks you, poking you in the side. You subconsciously flatten your hair and shrug.  The uncomfortable feeling weighs a little less and you sigh at your sister. She kisses your forehead with a loud ‘SMECK’. “Well I can’t help if you don’t breathe a damn word!”

You hum and stand up, moving to pick up the crown when the front door slams shut. You peek around the corner and see both of them standing there, soaked in weird green slime. Every part of you wants to laugh but Rose shoots you a face that says if you do you won’t be for long.

“Did the troll in the girls’ bathroom get you two?” Roxy snorts, following you out to the front room. Rose glares at the slime dripping off her shoulder.

Bro slowly wipes off his shades. “Dave, this shit ends now. My hair took a goddamn hour to perfect this morning and I swear to fucking god the next time that buck-toothed SHIT throws a water balloon or dumps a bucket of slime on me he’s not gonna make it to college. He won’t fucking make it to tomorrow,” he growls while Rose just nods beside him.

You don’t bother to mention that John’s dad and sister are also completely taking part of this but you guess that Bro couldn’t give less of a shit at the moment who was pranking him. You flash step back to the crown and decide that maybe you can say something to him when you claim him the ultimate winner of the prank war now and forever, maybe it won’t make him flip or something.

Roxy looks at you intently, as if she can’t believe you’re actually gonna give up just because Bro threw a hissy fit, but fuck it, you don’t think you can take it much longer either. It sucks raw assholes and every time John pranks you it reminds you how well he knows you and how much you’re gonna goddamn miss him when you’re gone but you have to do this. You _have_ to.

You push past Bro and Rose with the crown in your hands as Roxy searches for something to clean your siblings off. Carefully, you step outside, being sure to check if anything around you look suspicious; sometimes if something really big is gonna go down you can see one of the Egberts waiting around the house “casually”, waiting to see if it actually works or something. Aside from baking, pranking, and the occasional magic trick, you don’t think they have a lot going on in their lives.

You feel a tug on your arm before you manage to get more than one step out of the house. Bro stares back at you intensely through his shades, you try and ignore that he’s currently covered in a questionable slime.

“Dave,” he says, using his serious shit voice. “Stay strong. This is for the good of the family.” He says, before choking up and wiping under his eyes. You roll yours eyes as you hear him sobbing to Rose before you go. “HE’S JUST SO YOUNG. HE HAD SO MUCH HOPE!” he wails.

Luckily, as you cross the street you don’t see any of the Egberts lurking around the house conspicuously waiting for a prank to go through so you decide that you’re probably in the clear for now.  You find yourself staring down his front door, sort of hesitant to even knock.  You do anyway, opting to ignore the Ebert’s trick doorbell that you fucking keep falling for and every time it sprays you in the face with water and you had to get the dokis over a guy who wants to be goddamn Colonel Sassacre or something.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Strider!” Jane says, answering the door happily, all decked out in her cute blue frilly apron thing and looking like she’s baking up a damn storm as always. “John’s in the living room with my Dad, they might be in the middle of a little bit of a strife right now so tread with caution!” she smiles, kissing your cheek and letting you in the house.

You walk into the living room, with the clear mess of a strife for the ages apparent all over the living room. John sits, panting, on the couch, glaring at his father, who has obviously won.

“I’ll get you next time, old man, you can only evade me for so long,” he says, pulling a streamer out of his hair. Mr. Egbert gives out a weird hearty Dad chuckle and ruffles John’s hair.

“Oh, hello David,” he says. You don’t ever bother correcting him and give a half-assed wave.

“Dave!” John grins, slapping you on the back. “You’re just in time. Dad needs us to go to Miss Whittington’s and help her weed her garden again.”

“Wait, John, Mr. Egbert…Jane! Get in here!” you say seriously. “There’s something I need to tell you. As per instructions from the head Strider we’ve decided that y’all win,” you mumble, admitting defeat.

“Wait…do you mean-?” Jane asks as John lets out the loudest whoop you’ve heard all summer. You pull out the crown from behind your back and motion for John to get on his knees.

“Dave this is basically my lifelong dream you know that right?” he says as you smack his shoulder.

“Shut up, Dude, we’ve known each other for like a year don’t make this any more painful then it already is,” you whine, holding the crown above his head.

“You have to say the thing too, it’s the law,” John adds, all jittery and excited. What a fucking nerd. You sigh and clear your throat importantly and roll your eyes.

“Johnathan Egbert, I hereby dub thee Sir Pranking Master, allowing you all the perks and commodities of the title and ending thus known as the Summer Pranking War. Also, fuck you,“ you say importantly, placing the crown on his head while the rest of the family cheers and pats him on the back.

“Don’t worry Dave, there’s always next year to lose as well,” Jane adds helpfully, patting you on the back. 

“Yeah yeah, let’s just go. Let it be known that I wanted no part of this, I just don’t feel like waking up next to a monkey or some shit tomorrow. I can’t take care of a monkey, man. Like, maybe I could start a bed and breakfast where the monkey serves you like some Japan shit and make some fucking dollars but shit, training a monkey to make crepes can’t be easy bro, I don’t have a lot of free time,” you rant, pulling John to the front door.

“I’ll tell Jane to bring him back to zoo,” he sighs before grinning and adjusting his crown. You try not to be so irritatingly in love with him.

When you get to Miss Whittington’s she’s already waiting on the front lawn on her lounger, a huge pink sunflower hat flopped over her face; to be honest, she could be dead and you would never be able to tell. John walks up to her and clears his throat loudly.

“Ugh, Miss Whittington? We’re here to weed your garden?” John says loudly. Miss Whittington jumps out of her lounger and laughs, pulling up her hat.

“Oh! Good afternoon, boys!” she says, reaching out for you and John to help her off of the ground. “Dave, sweetie, you’re so pale. You and your brothers never go outside do you? Back in my day we used to put handsome young men like you to work! Though, you would have probably been jailed with your personal preferences. Still, while they were working, those men were sure nice to look at,” she says, patting your hand.

“Uh, thanks, Miss Whittington,” you say awkwardly, avoiding John’s eyes. Miss Whittington laughs and hands you both a pair of gloves, and you get to work.

It’s not really hard work, and with your flash stepping, you’re both done only a couple of hours later. Okay, so it took a couple of hours because at some point you may or may not have gotten in a “let see how many weeds I can shove down your pants when you’re not looking” competition but it all turned out fine and Miss. Whittington even gave you fucking AJ after so you were the real winner let’s be real.

“So what are your plans for after the summer, boys?” she asks you both, sitting back on her lawn chair and motioning for the both of you to sit with her.  You don’t answer, not really sure how to bring it up without John freaking out.

“I’m just going to the local university for biology!” John says, grinning like a fool because you know how hard he worked to get his grades high enough to actually get into the school. You didn’t really need yours as high, but high enough. Archeology isn’t exactly an easy field. John looks at you expectantly, waiting for you to answer as well. You sigh.

“I’m headed for archaeology,” you say slowly, avoiding the topic of exactly where you’re going. Miss Whittington smiles.

“That’s wonderful, boys! We need more strapping young men like you two working in those kind of professions. Usually all you get is the nerds and losers. Are you going to University with John, Dave? Staying close to your family?” she asks, basically putting the in the exact fucking spot you didn’t want to be. John stares at you, surprised that you’re even hesitant to answer.

“Yeah, I uh, I’m going back to Texas. For school. It’s what my ol’ man wanted and the program isn’t bad,” you mumble, afraid to look at John.

“That sounds wonderful, Dave. Would you boys like a treat? Wait at the door and I’ll go get something,” she says, shakily standing up and waddling towards the door. The silence between you and John is deafening. You run your hand through your hair and get up, quietly walking to the door to wait for your treat with John.

“You’re moving back to Texas?” John asks, nearly whispering. You wince at how hurt he sounds but decide that this is for the best.  Before you can answer Miss Whittington opens the door and smiles, something behind her back.

“Alright, boys! Don’t look so sad are you read for your treat?” she asks, grinning at the both of you. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands!”

You do what she says. You don’t expect her to throw a pie in your face as well as John’s.

“HA. OLD LADY WHITTINGTON GOT YOU TWO PRANKSTERS!” she cackles as you try and shake of the cream from your shades, in shock. “Give me that crown, John. I had to be in the middle of all your pranks for the past two summers, I deserve a little respect. Don’t fuck with Miss Wittington,” she says, taking John’s crown, which he hands over respectfully, and leaving the both of you shocked in front of the door.

You and John walk silently back to your house, not even bothering to wipe off the pie covering your face.  You both stand at your front door, awkwardly unsure of what to say.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” John asks, leaning on the side of the doorframe, instead of avoiding you he stares directly at you, making it even harder.

“I didn’t know what to fucking say. Sorry, John, I can’t stand being here any longer, peace out? Do I need a reason?” you argue, getting a little loud. John frowns and crosses his arms, glaring a little.

“Yeah, I dunno, telling your best friend seems like a fucking decent thing to do when you’re leaving the state forever. Why do you even want to go? We can make a new start at school! Is it the town? You didn’t even know your Dad, Dave, since when have you ever cared about what he wanted? Do you even have a real reason?” John shouts, sounding a lot more upset than you’ve ever heard him sound before.

“That doesn’t fucking matter, John, I’m leaving whether it goddamn please you or not, god, you could give me one fucking reason to stay!” you spit, angry because of John not fucking understanding a goddamn hint when he sees one. He coughs loudly and you stop and stare at you best friend, with whipped cream and pie on his goofy face. He blinks at you a few times with those huge blue eyes of his and his stupid dark pink lips and the next thing you know his mouth is fervently pressing against yours.

It takes you all of three seconds before you manage to push him off of you and escape his sloppy kissing, which you crave more that the fucking oxygen in front of your face.

You hiccup a breath and feel your eyebrows bunch up. “What the fuck?” you pant out. John’s face turns a cherry red under some whip cream and he starts to stammer something stupid and unintelligible.

“W-well, I dunno, you were all, ‘I’m leaving you forever, give me one reason to stay’, and I thought it would be really cool if I just kissed you after you said it! Sort of like that, maybe,” he tries to explain and you feel your stomach tighten up into your chest.

“What, that you could be my reason to stay?” you ask, laughing weakly. “Fuck, John, you’re my reason to leave! Do you know-? Shit, could you have opened your eyes under those goddamn coke bottle glasses for a whole two fucking seconds to realize that I’ve been in love with you ever since you fucking blew a cake up in my kitchen? I tried to pretend I didn’t like you for so long, fuck,“ you rant, realizing that you’re not really making sense but you don’t care.

“Fuck you, John. You just fucking trip in here like some adorable shit and make me fall in love with you and then date some bitch and like some guy and decide that, just when I make an effort to get over you,  you’ll kiss me like it never fucking mattered anyway?!” you end, the last of your voice giving out and you cringe at yourself. You hate yelling at people because your voice always cracks like you’re gonna cry or something. John looks like he might actually cry and you feel bad immediately for yelling at him.

“Dave…I have no idea what you just said. Did you say you were in love with me?” he asks you innocently, his face still blushing under the whipped cream. You resist the urge to kiss it off his dumb fucking face. You didn’t really expect him to be able to tune into the entire tirade you just went on so you just sigh instead, ignoring the loud pounding in your chest.

“Yeah”

“Oh.”

You lick your lips as you avoid his eyes and the taste the coconut cream pie that was all over his mouth. Out of the corner of your eye you can see him licking his lips as well and you feel your own face heating up. He clears his throat a little and rubs his hand behind his neck.

“Can I kiss you again?” he blurts out like it’s not weird at fucking all.

 You nod and before you can blink John’s slammed your back into the front door of your home and his lips are crushing against yours again. You’ve sort of imagined what kissing John would be like; you know, for realises kissing John instead just some drunken sloppy make out. It’s better than you thought it would be. Maybe you don’t feel fireworks, but you can feel your heartbeat pounding in your ears and how sweaty his palms are as he holds your arms down against your front door, and it’s the best kiss you’ve ever fucking had.

John kisses you feverishly and you groan into his mouth, wondering how you’ve managed to go this long without making out with him before. A part of you silently thanks the practice he’s managed to rack up as his tongue teases over his lips to yours and you groan again. Your glasses clack together and its sort of uncomfortable but you could hardly give a single fuck right now. A few minutes pass before you realize exactly where you are.  

“John-“ you attempt between kisses. “We- door.” John hums and presses you harder up against the door and suddenly you are very aware of just how much you’re enjoying the kiss. You yank John off of your face with a quite pop that is far more attractive than it should be and adjust your shades. 

“What, too much?” he asks you, a little out of breath. You can feel your cheek still on fire and shake your head.

“Oh, uh, nah man, it was cool. Just, old lady Whittington is kinda staring at us like one of her soaps and I feel sort of violated. Striders don’t kiss and tell and I don’t want to give her any spoilers, if you know what I mean,” you laugh awkwardly, John joining you.

“Yeah, sorry, I should probably go,” John laughs. Your heart drops into the pit of your stomach and you feel ice run down your spine. There is no fucking way he’s running away from this one, not this time.

“Or, you could stay? I mean like, your door is basically all the way across the street and we have so many wet wipes for you to get that shit off your face with, it’s almost a crime not to use them. Do you know how many people at Wild Wing would fucking love to be you right now? Check your fucking privilege John and get your ass into my house,” you say, maybe yelling a little at him during the last part of your rant. He opens your door without another word and goes inside, you following close behind him. Dirk walks by you, questionable robot parts in his arms as well as what appears to be several different hats.

“What the fuck happened to you two? Don’t tell me you got in a fight with the county fair lady again, Dave, I told you last time it doesn’t matter if she fucking cheated, she won fair and square and your chocolate pudding pie is made out of literal pie crust and pudding and that’s it I don’t even think it counts,” he laughs, not even letting you answer before he walks away, stalking back into the garage as you flip him the best middle finger you can muster.

“Um, where are the-“

“Upstairs,” you answer, grabbing John by the end of his shirt and pulling him up behind you to the bathroom. John follows behind you obediently and you carefully let go of him when you reach your bathroom, pushing aside a few smuppets so you can actually open the door all the way. 

You silently reach into the cupboard and offer him a slightly torn into package of wet wipes. You guys all basically used them religiously and shut the fuck up you don’t care if its weird wet wipes fucking rule, you got shit on your shades? WET WIPES. Sticky hands from Tai food? WET WIPES. Cat pissed on the floor? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE WET WIPES.

“Dave, why are you mumbling about the fucking wet wipes? Just hand one to me, the pie is starting to crust in my hair and it’s gross,” John says, flicking some of the cream off of his face at you. You grimace and grab some of the stuff for yourself, ignoring John.

When you finally both have clean faces you sit awkwardly in the bathroom for a second, avoiding each other’s eyes.  It’s quiet for another few seconds before the heat on your cheeks gets to be too much and you spit out the shittiest apology you’ve ever managed.

“Sorry, about, you know, earlier. I mean, it’s cool if you find it weird that I…yeah. Like no problem, bro, it’s fine. You’re all into that other dude and like I don’t want you to feel weird that I like you and shit or something. You don’t have to hang around, I get it,” you mumble as quickly as possible. “But, you fucking got your mack on with me, twice, not even counting New Year’s. Shit, John, you gotta understand why I gotta blow this popsicle stand, don’t you? I can’t deal with that kinda shit, messing with a bro’s feelings isn’t the best. I can’t hang around while you’re all into other people but pull shit like that. I know we’re friends, man, and I’ve fucking tried to pretend like it doesn’t bother the shit out of me, but it does, and I have to go.”

“Dave,” John says, looking at you seriously. You quirk a brow and he smiles a bit, “I kissed you because I like you. I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you, dude! I just, I dunno, I want to kiss you sort of all the time. Which is a weird thing for friends to do, but I don’t think I want to be just friends, Dave. I know, I didn’t really say that stuff before, but I didn’t really want to admit it. I don’t really care now who knows, though. ”

You feel your heart pound in your ears and hope that you’ve heard what John said right.  

“R-Really? So…kissing is a normal thing that we can do then? Casually violate each other’s faces when the mood strikes? Yes homo implied?” you ask, fully realizing that the more John talks the less you’re able to think.

“Yeah. Homo implied.” He laughs, leaning in close to you. You’re not really sure if you can breathe but you manage, staring into the blue of your best friend’s eyes. He gets closer, and you swear that you can count tiny little flecks of freckles on his nose before John leans in a little more and closes the gap. John’s lips are soft as they press so much more gently against yours than before. You can taste him and it’s a lot better than the sweet lull of alcohol that he tasted like before.

John keeps kissing you softly on your bathroom counter and you kiss him back, unsure of where to put your hands. He seems to know, and one of his is wrapped up in the bottom of your shirt and the other is tracing the light planes of your back. Lightly, you nudge the edge of his lips with your tongue and he complies, gasping lightly as you let yourself memorize every part of his mouth from his stupid buckteeth to the sweet taste of his swollen lips.

Slowly, he pulls back, still pressing his forehead against yours and breathing a little heavier than usual. “Dave, people are gonna need the bathroom eventually…” he mumbles, clearly not wanting to move anywhere by the way he’s holding you, pressed against him.

“Shit, I figured we could just camp out in here, start a new life, living off of the soup Bro feeds through the pipes, and just fucking smooch all day for the next ever. We could sleep in the bathtub and race the spiders in the corner for entertainment,“ you suggest and he rolls his eyes at you.

“Let’s go hang out in your room, jerk,” he says, pulling away from you and wrapping his hand around your wrist, pulling you to the bathroom door.

“Are you sure? I mean, the soap build-up on the tub is pretty fucking choice this time of year,” you say, not really making an effort to stay at all as John shakes his head and drags you across the hall to your bedroom.

When you both get inside you wonder if it’s too soon for you to close the door. Maybe John’s only like part homo for you and isn’t ready for your valiant effort to get anywhere near his drawers. Not that you really care if he wants to just kiss, you’re fucking so cool with that, ice cold really. You don’t want him to feel weird and run away or something.

You flick your eyes over at John, who’s sitting on your bed (regrettably you didn’t bother to clean fucking anything in your room and its looks like a goddamn tornado has had its way with all your shit). His hair is all messed up like it usually is, but he is still blushing and his lips are red and swollen, not to mention you can still see the effects of all that football training he no doubt has started up again and you have to hold back the weak noise that bubbles up in your throat.

“Dave, come here,” he says, smiling at you with the same face he gets when he’s just pulled a prank and you don’t even hesitate to slam the door behind you. “We can keep kissing, right?” he asks.

You don’t even bother answering, grabbing his face with both of your hands and planting your lips on his. He smiles into the kiss and you can feel yourself being dragged on top of John as he lies back onto your bed. He hums as you quickly restart what he did in the bathroom, tangling your tongue with his once again.

This time your body seems to kick into gear and you desperately try to get close to John, your hands roaming his body as feel him move under you, slipping his own hands into the ass pockets of your jeans.  Eventually you break away from his mouth and kiss down his jaw, making it to the soft skin of his neck. His aftershave fills your senses before you suck lightly on the dip in his neck where you can feel his pulse beat.

“Ahh, s-shit!” he gasps, hips involuntarily bucking up against yours. It’s like electricity shoots up your spine as your hips connect and you have to stop yourself from biting down on John’s neck. You slowly bring yourself back down onto his hips, grinding long and hard over his lap. You can’t help the noise that bubbles up in your throat and you moan, perfectly matching John. He buries his head in your neck and you shakily sigh next to his ear.

“Are you…c-cool with this?” you ask, really hoping that he is because you have no idea how anything is ever going to amount to this if he isn’t. “We can stop, if you want to.”

“Dave, I don’t give a fuck what you do, just keep going or I swear I will actually kill you,“ he gasps, pulling your hips together again. You don’t have the energy to argue with him.

John sits up, pulling you close so that your legs are wrapped around his waist as you grind against the front of his shorts. You’re not coordinated enough with doing anything like this at all yet so you forgo making out to just placing small hickies all down his neck to his collar bones. You can feel how hard John is under you but to be honest you can’t bring yourself to look down because you don’t really feel like cumming in your pants right now to ruin the moment.

“Dave. Y-You should take off your shades. They just get in the way.” John says, nudging you a little. You roll your eyes and crawl off of him (not without him hissing at the loss of contact first), getting up to close the curtains so you don’t actually end up blinding yourself while you’re trying to get laid.  You gently remove your shades and set them on the side table, turning back to John, feeling weirdly naked.

“Dave…you should take off your shirt, too,” he adds as you watch his eyes trail down your chest and further.  Your suddenly far too aware of how tight your pants are but you decide not to argue anyway, pulling your shirt over your head and tossing it to the side.  “Jeez, you don’t have to be so dramatic,“ John snorts. “This isn’t a 70’s porno.”

“Egbert, I’m not here to fucking stand around all day and look pretty; if I gotta get in the buck, you do too,” you reply, intently watching as he shakes his head.

“Take off your pants, first,” he demands, and you can feel his prankster’s gambit going up from here.  If you were half as brave as you pretend to be maybe you could give him a show or something, slowly unbutton your pants maybe get like some fucking Britney Spears playing, shake your ass, show some leg. Sadly, you’re a fucking nervous wreck so you fumble and sort of tear off your pants as quickly as possible instead. Awkwardly standing there with your dick pressing against the front of your boxers leaving literally nothing to the imagination.

“Dave….” John says, not even pretending that he isn’t staring at you. “Are you happy to see me?”

He laughs as you punch him in the shoulder.

“Fuck you, John, this is your fault in the first place, now take off your clothes too. I didn’t fucking take off my clothes to be feeling the breeze,” you say, blushing like an idiot. John smiles and pulls off his shirt, and then his pants, finally setting his glasses next to yours. He gets up and stands in front of you, grinning.

“This is okay right?” he asks, grabbing your arms and putting them around his neck. You nod as he runs his hands down your chest, slowly moving lower to the dips of your hips, hooking his thumbs in your boxers. You have no idea how John could ever think that this isn’t okay because you don’t think you’ve ever been more okay in your whole fucking life. You swallow hard and arch yourself into his touch, feeling stupidly embarrassed. Slowly he traces his fingers past your waistband and to your thighs, inching his way closer to exactly where you want him to be.

Fuck John for actually being decent at this, that pranking little shit.

You let a shaky sigh escape you and capture his lips in yours, trying to convey how much you needs this right now with a kiss.  When he doesn’t move his hand you break apart and glare at him. “John, fuck, _please_ touch me. Anything. Christ just d-ahh!”

John doesn’t really need to be told twice as he licks his lips intently and shoves his hands into your underwear, lightly gripping you at the base of your cock. John moves his hand slowly up your shaft, running his thumb over the head of your dick every once in a while until you have to grab onto your desk so you don’t just fucking fall over or something lame like that.  He kisses you in a cute sort of concentrated way as he tries to keep from losing any sort of rhythm. 

“You should let me, ah, touch you too,” you breathe, pressing your forehead against his as he continues to pepper your face with small kisses. You reach down, dipping your fingers in his boxers before he slaps you away.

“No, not yet. Lemme just…enjoy this,” he says, ignoring your protests as he kisses down your shoulders, smiling into each one as he goes lower and yanks down your boxers. You almost choke on the sharp intake of air you take when he mouths just under your belly button, looking up at you and grinning.

“Christ, John,” you say before he takes your dick and gives a long languid lick up its length. You break, grabbing the desk chair near you and holding him away from you as you collapse onto it. “When the fuck did you get so goddamn - whatever this shit is?!” you say, not really able to look away from your best friend on his knees in front of you with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

“Rude, Dave, don’t sass the guy who’s gonna suck your dick. I can be sexy!” he argues. “I ooze sex appeal!”

“Guys who ooze sex appeal generally don’t say ooze. It’s not a sexy word, dude,” you snort.

John glares at you and wraps his one hand around the base of your dick. Then, without even fucking blinking, he takes the whole thing to the back of his throat and _sucks,_ his cheeks hallowing. You can’t really help the moan that comes out of you as you realize that the fucking asshole doesn’t have a goddamn gag reflex and you have missed out on so much holy shit. You lace your fingers through his hair and have to stop yourself from thrusting up, accidentally choking him or something in case he’s just using some sort of voodoo shit instead or something.

“You can do it if you want, I don’t really mind,” he says, pulling off your dick with a small pop and catching his breath, idly lapping at the head. You think you’ve gone so red that your whole body is blushing but you just nod, shakily thrusting up into his mouth.

 It’s fucking sinful.

John hums happily around you and you can’t help yourself but to do it again, just a little harder. It’s so, so good and he even manages to move his tongue enough to lap at your dick between each thrust and he’s goddamn looking up at you, all big blue eyes blinking under those long eyelashes of his and Christ you love him so much.  The next thing you know you’re fucking your best friends mouth like it’s your last goddamn chance and fuck, it might be, but holy shit John actually _wants_ this. He fucking told you to. You find yourself pulling him gently by the hair for his mouth to meet your thrusts and it’s so fucking good, too good.

“S-Shit, fuck, John, wait, stop I’m gonna cum, holy shit, _John_ ,” you stammer, pulling him off of you, trying to catch your own breath for a second. You don’t really feel like giving all of it up yet.

“Why? Oh man, you’re one of those guys that likes to cum on people’s faces, aren’t you? Well if that’s how things are gonna go you better get those wet wipes for after because that sounds like the worst-“

“No, fuck. No, John. I just feel bad fucking blowin’ my load when you’re just sitting there all fucking virgin Mary, never been touched. John, you know I’m not religious, but I can’t stand for shit like this,” you argue, snapping the waistband of his boxers.

He pouts at you but you hold your ground, not only because you feel bad, but because you really want to see John squirm a little too. You’ve only seen him cum once and its sort of engraved on the back of your brain, you just kinda want something else to remember him by too.

“Dave, I’m the only one of us who has actually had sex.” John says, sitting on the bed and rolling his eyes.

“Yeah but like, look at this set up, dude, I look like I’ve had sex,” you argue back, going to sit on his lap. He lets out of a huff of breath when you grind up against him.

“You look like a fucking nerd,” he laughs, pulling you up against him and squeezing your ass. You smirk and reach down into his boxers, pulling out his dick and thoroughly shutting him up in the process.

“Shut up for a second and go reach into the drawer, there’s lube in there, grab it for me,” you demand, wrapping your hand around the both of your dicks and slowly trying to jerk the both of you off, John fumbling to even reach the drawer. When he finally does you both groan as he drips lube over the both of you. You’ve thought about this on your own so much more than should be healthy but now John is under you and you can watch his dick slide up and down against yours and you never really imagined that it could feel as fucking good as it does.

You press your mouth to his neck as he takes over, swearing and panting and you really hope that your siblings aren’t home anymore to hear it. You decide that you kind of want to be the only one who ever gets to hear John like this again.

“Fuck, Dave, I-I have to tell you something,” he pants, stuttering a little, you nod and he slows down pulling you closer so you’re chest to chest. He swipes his thumb across the head of your dicks and you nearly fucking whimper, burying your face in his shoulder. “Remember before when I said that I like you?” he asks, and you feel your heart drop and move up to look at him. This is it. This is the part where he feels guilty and tells you that he actually doesn’t give a shit and just too nice of a guy to say no.

“I lied. Dave, I think I’ve been in love with you for a lot longer than you’d think. I love you. When I was talking about that guy I liked I was talking about you and I didn’t know what to do about it because you’re my friend and friends aren’t supposed to want to do, well, this stuff, and I thought you were gonna hate me or reject me or something. At first I thought it was because that you’re sort of really hot and that this was normal, but I don’t really care about that so much, it’s just you. You go on the stupid rants and you’re so bad at rapping and you do this dumb half smirk thing for real who even does that but I like all that stupid stuff and you got all excited about the fucking dinosaur movie and I really wanted to kiss you sort of like now and I just, I love you Dave, kind of a lot.”

You stare at him for a moment before kissing John as hard as you’ve ever kissed anyone ever before. You’re not really sure what constitutes fireworks but you think that kissing John isn’t exactly fireworks, more like a giant tsunami of never being as in love as you are right now. He kisses you back as you babble between kisses, telling him how much you love him.

“If this is like weirdly soon I’m sorry, but we should maybe have some sex or something,” you say, breaking away from his face and blushing like a goddamn schoolgirl. Despite the fact that maybe for a lot of people it would be too soon, you couldn’t care less. If you were the type that would demand a date first then it would be pointless because you and John might as well have been on a million dates.

“I- um. Yeah. That’s okay with me! I don’t really know…like, how to, um, finger you though, or me on that note, Like I’ve fingered girls before but are guys super different?” John says awkwardly, and you guess that makes sense, it’s not like he’s really ever been with a guy before. Like he could guess but it would probably better if you do it anyway.

“Yeah, don’t worry it’s cool man you can top this time. I’ll just go and uh, prep if you wanna stay here,” you say, getting up off his lap and walking to the door, hoping to hell that no one is in the hallway.

“Dave! Wait. Um. Can I watch?” he asks, and you quirk your brow and watch him grind the palm of his hand against himself.

You nod and get back onto the bed, facing your best friend and getting onto your knees. You reach over and grab the bottle of lube sitting on the bed and coat your fingers, reaching back and dipping one in slowly.

“Christ, _Dave,”_ John moans, rubbing himself gently.

You smirk, fucking your finger and stretching yourself out as best as you can. You never really thought you could be into someone watching you fuck yourself until you watched John all red faced and panting, his eyes all scrunched up at the corners as he moans your name and touches himself.

By the time you manage to get as many fingers as you need before anything else can get inside of you you’re basically a wreck, shivering and panting while John continuously rubs himself watching you. You pull back your hand and grab the lube, gingerly putting it on John’s dick.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks you as you push him down on the bed, pulling down his boxers the rest of the way and sitting yourself above his dick.

“Fuck yes,” you hiss, placing yourself over him and slowly sliding down. You both wince, him out of pleasure, you out of pain. It burns, you’ve fucked yourself before but it’s nothing as big as someone else’s dick and you would be lying if you said it didn’t sting like a goddamn bitch. Slowly you manage to take him to the hilt and relax. It hurts a little less, the pain subsiding.

“Are, ah, you okay?” John asks you, clearly struggling not to thrust up into you. You nod and slowly bring yourself up before going back down. “Fuck, Dave, you’re so fucking warm and tight,“ John breathes before you do it once more, thoroughly shutting him up. John bites his lips with his stupid teeth and meets you with a thrust the next time you move. Eventually you stroke yourself in time with the manageable rhythm you’ve both picked up and things start to feel a lot better than they did before.

“Shit, John, I,“ you start before he thrusts up particularly hard, hitting a spot that makes you see stars. “Fucking Christ, do that again, whatever the FUCK you just did, John, do it the fuck again!” you demand,  trying to angle yourself to hit it again. Eventually it ends up with John lying overtop of you, kissing you between moaning your name as he fucks you into the mattress. You’re moaning his name like prayer when you cum, and it splatters up on both of your stomachs. With a particularly loud cry of your own name he pulls out and cums on your stomach as well, collapsing beside you afterwards.

You grab the tissues off of the side table and chuck him some, wiping yourself off before flopping back down beside your best friend and grinning.

“What do you wanna do now?” he asks you, still breathing a little hard.  You don’t even bother to answer him, pulling him close to you and wrapping your arms around him. He smiles against your shoulder and snakes his arms under you. “Dave Strider: rapper, sword fighter, cuddler,” he laughs lightly.

“Fuck off, John, or we aren’t watching Jumanji later,” you mumble. John sighs dramatically and pulls you closer.

“You aren’t really going away to that dumb school, are you?” he asks you, voice quiet. You shake your head.

“Nah, I have too many ties here. People to see,” you say and John slaps you and then kisses right where he hit you. You both lie in your bed until Bro calls you down for pizza late at night and you all watch old 90’s movies until you pass out on the couch. You ignore the cheers of your siblings when John walks down stairs in your boxers, but, if you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t think you’ve ever been so happy.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the official last chapter of the fic, but there will be an afterword so yeah. I was really nervous about the smut in this fic so I hope its okay! Sorry about the wait but this chapter nearly killed me. Thank you for reading <3 if you like this then you should check out my other fics!


	20. 3 YEARS LATER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha you thought I forgot about these nerds didn't you?

CHAPTER 20 ==> 3 YEARS LATER

Your name is John Egbert and you really hate your Ethics and Methods of Biological Research class. It’s boring-- painfully boring. And, in all honestly, you really just want to get home. Despite that you really like your program, having the methods of how to properly conduct research amongst people in an ethical and safe way explained to you for the thousandth time is starting to make you want to smash your face off the desk. Repeatedly. Also, you would be lying if you weren’t particularly excited to get home today.

Today, your boyfriend is planning a surprise birthday party that you have completely and 100% h known about for weeks. You know that he tried so you don’t really care either way. Plus you’ve been practicing your surprised face all morning in the mirror, so you think that you’re ready! Your birthday so far hasn’t been very eventful. You’ve had three lectures today that you didn’t want to go to when you rolled out of bed at the crack of nine, and you finally, _finally_ get to go home and see your friends and family. When your prof manages to make her last remark you practically burst out of the class room, pushing past people so you can get to your van and drive home.

When you get to your van you slam the door and dig through the piles of mixtapes that Dave has sort of gotten in the habit of making you at least once a month. Though he’s pretty busy with his degree as well (it sort of feels like you haven’t even hung out in weeks), he still manages to pop one of them out for you so you have something new to jam to every morning when you go to work. He also has taken to the habit of writing a cheesy rap for you hidden in the lineup, which always come on at the most embarrassingly inconvenient times (you don’t want to talk about the trip with your grandfather and the rap about the one time you might have made out with Dave in a Sears changing room). You decide on your favourite; the first one he ever made for you. Even though you’ve heard it at least a thousand times and it’s pretty old, you never really get tired of it.

The sounds of Wheatus fill your ears and you press the gas, pulling out of the school parking lot. You’ve managed to get a small apartment on top of a local bookstore only a five minute drive from campus a couple years back, and it’s been basically the best freaking place ever for the last little while you’ve lived there. It’s not really lonely, since almost all your friends joined you when you came here to university. Well, with the exception of Rose and Kanaya, who are now engaged and on a tour of Europe before they decide to finish their schooling in god knows where. You still get pictures every once in a while on Facebook of them doing something freaking crazy, like standing on top of a mountain in the Alps or spending a couple of months teaching English to Mongolian children.  They’re always happy, especially since you know Rose hasn’t picked up a bottle except for wine sampling in France since she quit drinking.

The drive home is easy and you sort of try not to be CRAZY STUPID EXCITED for your surprise birthday party. All your friends are waiting for you in there, and some of them you haven’t seen for a long time. You pull into the parking lot behind all the shops and get out of your van, trying not to run to see them all. You walk up the stairs as normally as you can and throw open the door, expecting your surprise.

It doesn’t come.

You blink a few times and look around the room, expecting to see the banner that Dave hinted about and the balloons he always gets you. They aren’t there. Maybe you read the signs wrong? You half-heartedly throw down your laptop bag and flop on the couch, turning on the old re-runs of The Price Is Right.

A noise sounds from the kitchen and you hear your boyfriend sneak up behind you-- something you’ve gotten attuned to by now. He places his hands over your eyes and you can almost feel his smirk.

“President Nixon? Is that you? Has your spirit returned to me from beyond the grave?” You ask, feeling a stupid smile grow on your own face.

“Yes, I came here to tell you that your boyfriend is the greatest man alive, and I would know because I’m dead. Also you should probably let him touch your butt more or something.” He says in his best ghost voice.

“But Nixon, I didn’t know you supported gay rights?” You say, starting to laugh.

“Fuck the gays.” He deadpans, removing his hands and jumping over the edge of the couch to join you. You roll your eyes and plop your head on his lap, staring up at him. He gives you a small, genuine smile that you still sort of think is the best thing ever and you find it harder to be disappointed about your lack of surprise party.

“Dave, ask me about my day so I can tell you it was the biggest haul of bullshit that anyone has ever shit _ever_.” You whine. Dave nods sympathetically and runs his hands through your hair.

“Did your prof talk about the time she OD’d on ecstasy again?” He asks gently. You shake your head and hum at the feeling of Dave’s fingers. You relax into his lap a little more before answering.

“No, it was just long and dumb.  For once, biology sucked. I couldn’t give less of a single shit about reaction kinetics, Dave. Do you know how boring that is!? Besides, it’s my birthday… and I’m not doing anything. Can we go bowling or something?” You ask him, pouting and pressing your face into his jeans. Dave lets out a weird breathy laugh and shakes his head.

“You really think I didn’t do any for your birthday, Egbert? I’m hurt. Wounded even.” He says, pulling out a slightly crumpled envelope.  You gasp dramatically and sit up to face him.

“Dave! Thanks.” You say, smiling before you open it. You rip the edge and there is a card slightly forced inside. Its covered in some of Dave’s classic SBAHJ characters telling you that it’s THE BIRTHDAY and things are about to get HELLA SNOZZED UP and then a bunch of poorly drawn marijuana graphics. You grin and open it up, two tickets falling out.

Your face drops as soon as you read them.

“Dave are- Are you fucking serious right now?” You ask, hoping he answers soon so you can kiss him until he cannot breathe anymore. He nods and you jump on his lap, pressing him into the couch and kissing him feverishly. In your hands you hold two tickets to a VIP tour of a Ghostbusters tribute in New York that you thought you weren’t going to be able to go to, and Bill MOTHERFUCKING Murray is going to be there and everything and you’ve been talking about it for months and basically, Dave is 100% going to have so much sex today.

Between kisses, you are grinning. Finally you manage to stop and stare at him with the most serious expression. “Dave Strider, fuck me right now. I don’t even care, just put your dick somewhere in me because I love you so much you beautiful angel.”  Dave flushes and shakes his head (you’ve been having sex pretty much constantly for the past three years and he still blushes every fucking time, and you are so in love with Dave it’s stupid).

“Ahh Egbert, not that I don’t appreciate the enthusiasm, and I’m going to definitely take you up on that later, but I actually made you a fucking romantic as shit birthday dinner on the roof, like I’m talking lady and the tramp shit, and it would be a s-shame if it was wasted.” He stammers while you kiss his neck. You pull back and quirk a brow.

“THE Dave Strider managed to cook something, like real food, without burning the apartment down?” You ask. Dave frowns.

“First of all, rude John. Yes I did, and I covered it but the birds are getting smarter and it’s only gonna last so long.” You nod and reluctantly get off of him, taking his hand as he leads you up the stairs to the roof. It’s a journey you’ve made a million times, either to watch Dave and his Bro’s fight when they come to visit, or to fill up a kiddy pool and sit in it during the summer months. Sometimes you both just sit up there when you don’t really want to pay attention to any of your responsibilities. Most of the time when you and Dave have dinner up there, it’s Taco Bell takeout or something and you eat with your legs swinging over the edge of the building and a killer view of the city. You could go for some fancy dining though too! It’s the thought that counts, but you’re a little afraid of Dave’s cooking skills none the less.

What you weren’t expecting though when you got to the roof was all your friends to be standing around with a very enthusiastic, delayed yell of surprise.

Needless to say, you got your surprise party after all. You turn to Dave and grin.

“I thought-“

“I know. Geez Egbert, it’s like you don’t even know me.” You smile and pull him into a side hug. Everyone you know and love is here.  Jade and Karkat both wave at you—well, Jade does. Karkat gives you more of an acknowledgement nod.

“John!!” Jade shouts, making her way over to you, Karkat in tow. “Happy Birthday, cousin!”

“Thanks, Jade. I didn’t think you guys would be able to come to something like this, not with all the wedding planning you have to-“

“SHUSH, John! We still haven’t told people here yet, I don’t want to mention it tonight if I can help it! Tonight’s about you!” She hushes you, pulling you into something of a bone crushing hug. When she pulls back, you try your very best to ignore the ring on her finger, for her sake.  Karkat stares at you for a few seconds before you give in and yank him into a hug too, despite his many protests.

“I just love you guys a lot, okay?!” You shout, Karkat thoroughly flushing and complaining when you pull away. More of your friends have gathered around you to say hello. There are a few people missing, Rose and Kanaya (who are still in Europe. You later find out, though, that they’ve sent you a small mountain of gifts to make up for it), Roxy is gone as well, to your disappointment. Dave said something about her having a huge breakthrough in her career and she would be visiting you next week.  The rest of the gang is there to a certain extent. Jake and Dirk are speaking animatedly to one another near the cake your friends got you.  They notice that you’ve managed to get out of Jade’s clutches and come over.

“Cousin!” Jake shouts, pulling you into yet another bone-crushing hug (this must run in the family). Dirk is a little less abrasive, giving you a short nod and a tiny smile, which might as well be a hug from him.  “Happy Birthday, chap! Dirk and I were just talking about how far you’ve come since they moved to Washington.  Now you’re all grown-up, nearly done school. Not to mention your boyfriend.” He laughs, winking at Dave. You flush and yank Dave’s hand into yours just out of habit.

“Oh yeah, Egbert’s grown up all right. I swear, the other day I could have sworn he grew a chest-hair. Life is amazing.” Dave retorts and you nudge him in the shoulder, suggesting that it’s probably best that Jake and Dirk aren’t reminded of how much the both of you are routinely that close to one another.

“It’s good though!” You say happily, clapping Jake on the shoulder. “I mean, look where I live, and all the people that came to see me. I- think I’m really happy.” You end softly. Jake gives you a small smile and quietly agrees.  As he should! After Jade left to go take some schooling, it left Jake in the perfect position for a promotion at his job as a ranger, and now he basically runs the whole park. Not to mention, he and Dirk are basically rolling in cash.  Then again most of your friends aren’t doing too badly for themselves, even if you don’t hear from some of them anymore.

For example, you haven’t heard from Vriska in years. Last Dave heard from Terezi (who is now in law school, who would have guessed), she was travelling from country to country, basically working as some sort of professional treasure hunter for the government.  Though you guys haven’t really talked in a long time, you still hope she’s happy, and at least it sounds like she is and that’s good enough for you.

Other people have flitted in and out of your life like they usually do. Dave keeps in contact with some of his closer friends too, and as you’ve gotten older, you’ve gotten to know some of them better, like Sollux! The first year of school was kind of rough for Dave, he didn’t really hear from him at all, but now Sollux is making apps to help people with mental health issues, and the rumour is he is even dating someone now. You guess from what Dave says he’s still... not over what happened, but if you think of Dave dying on you, you don’t think you would ever get over it.

You squeeze your boyfriends hand a little tighter and make your way to see your sister, who’s been waiting patiently by the presents. Though it’s technically her birthday too, ever since you were kids you’ve just switched on who gets to celebrate their birthday on that day every year, so she’s celebrating hers tomorrow this year instead.

“John!” She shouts, throwing her arms around your neck. You look down at her and smile, deciding that either she’s shorter than you remember or you just haven’t seen her enough. “You’re both getting more grown up every time I see you.” She says a little sadly before turning to Dave, who grins and kisses her on the cheek.

“Jane, you get more beautiful every time I see you. If I didn’t have your brother in my clutches, I would literally snatch you up faster than a kid getting candy at a parade.” Dave says smoothly, laying on his accent thick and everything, causing your sister to laugh.

“Dave, do you literally have to hit on my sister every time you see her? I am RIGHT here. It’s my birthday!” You shout, playfully punching him in the shoulder.  He grins and leans in close to you, whispering something filthy in your ear. You blush and let it go-- for now.

“Never stop being a charmer, will you Dave? Oh! John, I know it’s not present time yet, but you have to open mine first when it is, because I swear this might be my best work yet!” Jane smiles and you have a sneaking suspicion that whatever she’s given you is going to blow up in your face, literally. “Shoot! I nearly forgot! John, you have a cake. Come on birthday boy, let’s blow out the candles!”

You turn to Dave who gives you a small smile and grin as Jane shouts for everyone to gather around so you can have happy birthday sang to you in 4 different botched versions, and make a wish.

 As you stand in front of your cake, you look up at all your friends smiling at you, singing loudly and looking happy and you can’t help but feel happy too; like a wave heating up your whole body. Once they finish, you shut your eyes tight and make a wish, blowing out the candles. Everyone is cheering and clapping, calling dibs on slices of cake when Dave walks up beside you and kisses you gently for a second. When he pulls back, he smiles.

“So tell me Egbert, what did you wish for this year?”  He asks, looking at you over his shades. 

“I dunno, dude. It’s pretty cheesy.”

“John, I’ve been dating you for three years. I think I know how cheesy you can be.”  He retorts, giving his signature smirk. You give in.

“Yeah, alright. I uh, wished that we could all always be this happy.” You admit, and Dave stares at you for a second before pulling you into another kiss, smiling into your mouth. You pull apart after a few moments and laugh.  You’re not really worried.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 413~! I've had this kicking around for a while but all my friends have been to busy with exams to help me edit. Anyway here is the epilogue! If you liked this fic please check out the other ones I have <3 Thanks

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting my writing ever so criticism is greatly appreciated.  
> The build up is slow but don't worry it will get there. I have a lot of the chapters already planned out so it should be updated at least once a month or so? But yeah don't worry the fluff and the feels will come.  
> My tumblr is milktasteslikegood.tumblr.com if you want to find me there!  
> My editor is pineapple-overlord.tumblr.com too and you should check her out as well! :)  
> ALSO I have recently made an 8tracks for this fic since a lot of songs are mentioned? Its pretty fun check it out  
> http://8tracks.com/dixie-mcmullen/the-douche-next-door


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